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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel part of a secret life

177 replies

Museumland · 02/12/2022 13:00

DBF and I have been dating for 5 months in a close relationship where we spend a lot of time together. He is separated from his wife and has been for 3 years and is divorcing. He has great relationships with his adult children (early 20s) and is caring and loving to them. He sees one of them, his son for dinners/coffees and lunches 3 times a week. His wife knows about me and his friends, some of whom I have met, but to his children I am referred to as a friend. He is hosting the Christmas lunch and his children will stay for a week. I completely understand that dating 5 months isn't long, but by the same token his children are adults and I can't help feeling that I am compartmentalised. He is busy talking and making plans for Christmas none of which include me from Christmas Eve onwards and I am feeling a bit hurt. I also completely understand that for important things his children should come before me. But I think he feels his children will feel upset if they know he is in a relationship and he obviously wants to avoid that notwithstanding whether their reaction is reasonable. I don't really know how to handle this situation because it's delicate and I wouldn't want him to think I am resentful towards his children.

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 03/12/2022 15:25

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 15:18

It's not a direct comparison despite what many people like to think. This debate came up on MN last week too. They are not young.

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Doesn’t matter how old the kids they should still take priority over a pretty new relationship.

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 15:34

Itsbeenashortyear · 03/12/2022 15:24

You aren’t making sense.

The comment you replied to said Perhaps the children have twigged that you're more than a friend and have told him they're not ready to meet you.

You replied with ‘it’s not their business’. The comment you replied didn’t say the relationship was their business. It said maybe they’re don’t want to meet op yet. How can that not be their business?

I can only guess you didn’t bother to read the comment properly.

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No I did read the comments and in general I meant that the issue of their father having a friend or GF is none of their business. Of course they can say they don't want to meet - that is their choice. I can only guess you didn't bother to take the time and interpret it properly.

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 15:35

whattodo1975 · 03/12/2022 15:25

Doesn’t matter how old the kids they should still take priority over a pretty new relationship.

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It's not as black and white as that and not everyone will agree with that.

Itsbeenashortyear · 03/12/2022 15:40

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 15:34

No I did read the comments and in general I meant that the issue of their father having a friend or GF is none of their business. Of course they can say they don't want to meet - that is their choice. I can only guess you didn't bother to take the time and interpret it properly.

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Yeah of course. You meant the relationship wasn’t their business. But chose to quote a comment which didn’t say that at all, ignore what it said and reply randomly.

Yep, makes title sense 🙄

whattodo1975 · 03/12/2022 16:02

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 15:35

It's not as black and white as that and not everyone will agree with that.

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I think if a guy you’ve only been seeing for 5 months wants to spend Xmas with his kids and not you. That’s alright isn’t ?

Original poster
Museumland · 03/12/2022 16:11

Thank you that's good advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Museumland · 03/12/2022 16:16

CheeseIsMyPatronus · 03/12/2022 12:40

😂How to say "i'm new to Mumsnet" without saying "I'm new to Mumsnet"

OP, we vipers are known to be, erm, robust of language.

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It was the poster who swore !

OP posts:
Original poster
Museumland · 03/12/2022 16:18

whattodo1975 · 03/12/2022 16:02

I think if a guy you’ve only been seeing for 5 months wants to spend Xmas with his kids and not you. That’s alright isn’t ?

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As I said that's alright but all of it, literally the whole period? Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day - yes I can totally understand, but after that ?

OP posts:
CheeseIsMyPatronus · 03/12/2022 17:18

We swear like troopers, @Museumland and that’s perfectly acceptable here.

We’re a gang of potty-mouthed bastards, and we don’t fucking mind.

Pickingmyselfup · 03/12/2022 17:19

What exactly is stopping him from seeing you between Boxing Day and NYE? If his kids are adults they don't need to spend every waking hour together. There is also no reason why they can't know about you even if nobody is meeting each other, after 3 years of being separated. Just a "seeing someone, going round to hers/for a walk/the pub"

Murdoch1949 · 03/12/2022 18:45

I'd go away on holiday until the New Year. It is ONLY 5 months.

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 19:10

Itsbeenashortyear · 03/12/2022 15:40

Yeah of course. You meant the relationship wasn’t their business. But chose to quote a comment which didn’t say that at all, ignore what it said and reply randomly.

Yep, makes title sense 🙄

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Title sense?

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 19:11

whattodo1975 · 03/12/2022 16:02

I think if a guy you’ve only been seeing for 5 months wants to spend Xmas with his kids and not you. That’s alright isn’t ?

Show quote history

Possibly. It all depends on the situation and viewpoint of the person involved, the OP.

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 19:12

and she's not.

Minxmumma · 03/12/2022 20:33

If you had mentioned a younger child as well, I would have said you were dating my ex.
He has done exactly the same with his girlfriend of 5 months....... And to some extent I feel quite sorry for her, but she knew he was still married, had kids and that they came first. He is very clear about this, and our relationship remains amicable so we do talk about most things.

In our case our adult children are very anti the new woman, they are not ready to meet her or have her as part of their family, despite my encouragement. (honestly she's welcome to him).

I can see both sides, and understand why you are put out but at the same time respect him for putting his children first at this early stage.

You do your thing at Christmas and when you can, discuss upcoming things like Easter to see if you can arrange something on neutral ground. But don't be surprised if he says no.

If my ex had his way he would have his gf and still come home to a wife and kids...... Cake and eat it!

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 20:37

Minxmumma · 03/12/2022 20:33

If you had mentioned a younger child as well, I would have said you were dating my ex.
He has done exactly the same with his girlfriend of 5 months....... And to some extent I feel quite sorry for her, but she knew he was still married, had kids and that they came first. He is very clear about this, and our relationship remains amicable so we do talk about most things.

In our case our adult children are very anti the new woman, they are not ready to meet her or have her as part of their family, despite my encouragement. (honestly she's welcome to him).

I can see both sides, and understand why you are put out but at the same time respect him for putting his children first at this early stage.

You do your thing at Christmas and when you can, discuss upcoming things like Easter to see if you can arrange something on neutral ground. But don't be surprised if he says no.

If my ex had his way he would have his gf and still come home to a wife and kids...... Cake and eat it!

Are you still married? If so why?

Minxmumma · 04/12/2022 02:47

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 20:37

Are you still married? If so why?

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When we separated I was in the middle of cancer treatment and had neither the energy or inclination or funds to deal with a divorce. And its just not got done since.

There is no going back for us, we are good friends, capable of putting the kids first in everything but that's it. Those days of being a couple are long gone due to some very complicated reasons.

That said he has no wish to be divorced, so the onus is on me to sort it and I am still dealing with a lot of other issues, so it's not a priority. It will get done though.

WindyHedges · 04/12/2022 04:43

n our case our adult children are very anti the new woman, they are not ready to meet her or have her as part of their family, despite my encouragement. (honestly she's welcome to him).

As the adult child in a scenario like this, I have never considered my father’s girlfriends as anything to do with my family. And that is entirely my prerogative to do so. They are not family as far as I’m concerned.

Zixin · 04/12/2022 05:19

This reply has been deleted

Spam - deleted. MNHQ

DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 04/12/2022 05:29

I get him feeling like it’s too early in the relationship to spend Christmas together with his children, but he’s been separated from his wife for 3 years and these are adult children. What's his reasoning for this? I think you have every right to feel the way you do.

daisychain01 · 04/12/2022 06:07

This reply has been deleted

Spam - deleted. MNHQ

Reported

Sennelier1 · 04/12/2022 10:32

His children probably have understood you're more than just a friend. It would be nice if he could ask his children if it would be o.k. to invite you for coffee or a drink on a "neutral" day, so not christmas (eve) but maybe 27th or 28th or so. Just thinking out loud here 😊

Original poster
Museumland · 04/12/2022 10:35

DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 04/12/2022 05:29

I get him feeling like it’s too early in the relationship to spend Christmas together with his children, but he’s been separated from his wife for 3 years and these are adult children. What's his reasoning for this? I think you have every right to feel the way you do.

I agree and I am not suggesting that I should do that. But I am asking if it is unreasonable for me to feel a bit hurt that I won't see him on his own at all until the New Year...

OP posts:
Original poster
Museumland · 11/12/2022 14:17

Update. I had a conversation with dbf. I explained that as he saw his son every other day and we did lots together I felt that I was a secret if he didn't mention who he was spending his time with. He said his son had a melt down when he raised the issue last year in a different relationship and didn't want to deal with that again. He also felt it was early in the relationship to raise this. I explained that I wasn't seeking to be described as a girlfriend nor an introduction but to be mentioned by my name as in " I went to a play with Louise last night" currently I am either described as a friend as in I went to a play with a friend or as an activity such as "I went to the theatre" . He is going to think about it, maybe I have asked too much but it has been gnawing at me particularly as he often sees his son after spending time with me.

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 11/12/2022 22:40

Well done for being direct. Maybe his son has grown up a bit meanwhile.