To feel part of a secret life

[Museumland]

DBF and I have been dating for 5 months in a close relationship where we spend a lot of time together. He is separated from his wife and has been for 3 years and is divorcing. He has great relationships with his adult children (early 20s) and is caring and loving to them. He sees one of them, his son for dinners/coffees and lunches 3 times a week. His wife knows about me and his friends, some of whom I have met, but to his children I am referred to as a friend. He is hosting the Christmas lunch and his children will stay for a week. I completely understand that dating 5 months isn't long, but by the same token his children are adults and I can't help feeling that I am compartmentalised. He is busy talking and making plans for Christmas none of which include me from Christmas Eve onwards and I am feeling a bit hurt. I also completely understand that for important things his children should come before me. But I think he feels his children will feel upset if they know he is in a relationship and he obviously wants to avoid that notwithstanding whether their reaction is reasonable. I don't really know how to handle this situation because it's delicate and I wouldn't want him to think I am resentful towards his children.

@Museumland i think there’s probably quite a lot you don’t know about this family and their dynamics.

😂How to say "i'm new to Mumsnet" without saying "I'm new to Mumsnet"

OP, we vipers are known to be, erm, robust of language.

He always put me first. He loves and cares for his children, but at the end of the day, they have their own lives

And Father of the Year award goes to...
I can see why his first wife divorced him if he's so selfish to prioritise a relationship over his children who are still in school.

My take on this is your way way more into him than he is you. To the extent you’re trying to rush him and get your feet under the table. Just go at his pace, if you’re not someone he wants to admit to being in a relationship with yet then just wait until you are.

accept it and go have your own fun over crimbo

Wow. What a shitty father

I'd dump him.

His kids are adults so they understand their parents may be moving on with other people.

Telling your adult children your girlfriend is a friend when everyone else knows otherwise is insulting to you and infantalising them.

You should be invited to Christmas lunch at least, then they spend the rest of the week as a family.

No, lol, seriously? 😂

He's still married and he's being cagey. Something is off.

So how is your love story and how wonderfully quick it all was, helpful to the OP in the situation she's grappling with?

The chances of her being introduced to his parents, let alone even seeing him is currently somewhere between zilch and bugger all

You should be invited to Christmas lunch at least, then they spend the rest of the week as a family.

After only 5 months?????

When he has established a family for at least 20 (more like 30) years?

I think the OP must be very young and naive with no family/children of her own.

I think you need to make your feelings known and ask to be involved. Something h simple like "it would be really good to be involved with your Xmas plans - so you think I could stay over xmas"

It's not too soon.

And to be honest his response will tell you how he sees your relationship.

What’s young and naive about wanting to see the person you’re in a relationship sometime over the Christmas period?

She’s not asking to be called Mum, just to see him for a bit.

It clearly wasn’t about wanting to see him that week but the fact the poster said that she should be invited for Christmas dinner then spend the week acting like a family

which I can only assume was the poster having a laugh at the ops expense

Any partner should always be below the children in a pecking order. Even when they're the other parent.

You said op was young and naive, it wasn’t the op who said any of that.

I'm unsure why you think I'm not being serious. So many marriages breakdown these days, it's likely his grown children know he will be seeing someone at some

After 5 months, I wouldn't expect to be excluded from his entire Christmas season. Even if they broke up in the New Year, adult children are unlikely to be confused by this.

Is it also far-fetched for you to see the children may have by now brought home a few boyfriends/girlfriends themselves, so understand how this works and can adjust?

No , you are not being logical here. It IS nothing to do with them BUT if he wanted to invite them then they do have a choice to attend or not.

I can't believe the number of posters on here who think that even as adult children they have the right to dictate what their parent does simply because they are their parent. When does that ever stop or it doesn't? I do believe though that this man is either being super cautious and doesn't want to rock the boat/ get an easy life or he isn't serious about the relationship or as someone else has said he just isn't thinking.

His children are more important to him than a woman he met 5 months ago. Rightly so.

I think this will always be an issue when you’re seeing another woman’s husband. He’ll never be able to prioritise you.

It's not a direct comparison despite what many people like to think. This debate came up on MN last week too. They are not young.

I wonder why she has never filed for divorce?

OP, I'm not trying to be unkind here, but are you sure the ex wife knows about you?

Sometimes men fabricate and he could be less into the separation and divorce than he's letting on.

You aren’t making sense.

The comment you replied to said Perhaps the children have twigged that you're more than a friend and have told him they're not ready to meet you.

You replied with ‘it’s not their business’. The comment you replied didn’t say the relationship was their business. It said maybe they’re don’t want to meet op yet. How can that not be their business?

I can only guess you didn’t bother to read the comment properly.