To feel part of a secret life

[Museumland]

DBF and I have been dating for 5 months in a close relationship where we spend a lot of time together. He is separated from his wife and has been for 3 years and is divorcing. He has great relationships with his adult children (early 20s) and is caring and loving to them. He sees one of them, his son for dinners/coffees and lunches 3 times a week. His wife knows about me and his friends, some of whom I have met, but to his children I am referred to as a friend. He is hosting the Christmas lunch and his children will stay for a week. I completely understand that dating 5 months isn't long, but by the same token his children are adults and I can't help feeling that I am compartmentalised. He is busy talking and making plans for Christmas none of which include me from Christmas Eve onwards and I am feeling a bit hurt. I also completely understand that for important things his children should come before me. But I think he feels his children will feel upset if they know he is in a relationship and he obviously wants to avoid that notwithstanding whether their reaction is reasonable. I don't really know how to handle this situation because it's delicate and I wouldn't want him to think I am resentful towards his children.

I wonder if he is trying to keep the peace with his ex and kids. I would suggest meeting for a walk etc can be just him but mention if the kids want to come..
see how he reacts. If it’s positive then you can broach next year being more involved at a later date. Sounds like he needs baby steps.

If you are in a relationship that you see as going long term , and you are both open and honest with each other and feel the dynamics of it is solid , then why not ask him ?
you are all grown up , no children's rosy experience of Christmas will be spoilt by this.
What are your plans ? How / who do you usually spend it with ?

This.
Its not like he has to invite you to the main events but to not even tell them he’s going out one of the evenings between Christmas and new year to come and see you says a lot.

It's their dad of course it's got to do with them.

Maybe they've decided they don't want to.

The post you quoted was saying they may not want to meet the Op.

And your response was ‘it’s nothing to do with them’. So a pointless post from you, because it is entirely up to them if they want to or not, for whatever reason.

Hmm, if his wife knows but not his kids, either.... she will have told them or... she doesn't know. Which is why he doesn't want you to meet the kids.

(You say you've met his mates, but can tell them to keep quiet).

^ should read He can tell them to keep quiet

@LadyWithLapdog I see what you mean but I still think it's ok to not want to introduce someone you've been with just a short time, especially at Christmas when everything is a bit charged. Kids don't switch off their feelings and become super rational the day they turn 18 - and seeing your parents with a new partner is weird for most at first. I don't understand the rush, nor do I think his reluctance is indicative of anything sinister.

I’d hope in your shoes to have some time set aside for me e.g lunch between Xmas/new even if totally seperate from the kids. It does make a difference how old they are. At 18-25 I was to be honest still emotionally quite dependent on my parents and I think many young adults are. Post 30 (maybe earlier if married/got kids) I think the intros can be faster.

@kindlyensure she might not have told them. Why would she? If they're on ok terms she may well know but agree with the OP's boyfriend that it's not ideal to tell this to the kids around Christmas.

@PuzzledObserver totally different. No kids involved. Doesn't matter what age the kids are - it'll still affect them.

If it’s the first time you’re going to meet his children, I’d swerve Christmas and go for sometime a bit less fraught with emotion.

I understand if he is not ready to introduce you to his kids and especially at Christmas. But these kids are all old enough, in their 20's, to be left home alone while he goes out for lunch or dinner with you one evening. If he has no plans to see you at all that is very excluding and I'm not surprised you're uncomfortable

You’ve only been dating 5 months.
It’s way too soon.

There’s no way I’d be telling my DC about someone I was dating after only 5 months, especially not at Christmas time.

Do you have children?

As a single parent myself, my DC will always trump a partner especially during Christmas and birthdays etc.

They know you are his friend.
They will get to know that you are dating eventually (probably have an idea already) but this isn’t the right time.

He’s busy with his children over Christmas and it’s not fair that they get that time interrupted because you are feeling left out.

A great expression I've learnt on MN is "don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option". Sounds like you fill a gap in his schedule when nothing better is on offer.

I completely disagree.

Any decent parent would put their children before a new partner.

He already has plans over Christmas.

He should not have to change those plans just to accommodate OP when she is an adult and can make plans for herself.

5 months isn't long in the dating scene tbh, and technically he's still a married man. I totally get him prioritizing his children (even though they're adults).

But have you used your words? Have you actually SAID, "boyfriend, I'd like to see you at some point over the festive break. When are you free?" and listened to what he says? Rather than quietly accepted being dumped for the week.

Plus, OF COURSE his children know you're dating. They might be youngish, but they're not stupid.

What are your plans for Xmas? Can he not come over and see you over Xmas and be away from his adult children for a few hours? Surely they won't spend 24/7 for 5 days all in each others company?

Persoanlly i think you need to set a degfree of time scale - if not now, when? Yes its a big thing for his kids, but its been 3 years, they're adults with their own lives, you shouldn';t be put back in the cupboard every time someone more important comes along

If I were him, or her, or one of the children, I would not think all three meeting up is a good option.

As the new partner, I would hope the kids won't hate me, but would prefer to spend as little time in the same room as possible.

If I were one of the kids, I would feel similarly about the new partner.

If I were him, I'd feel that I couldn't be myself with either her or the children, while they're both in the same room. It would be awkward.

In his position, I would intend to always keep my life with new partner as separate from life with kids as practically possible. The kids and the new partner will never be each other's family, and none of them would want that.

On another issue, I would absolutely describe a new partner as a "friend" to my child. Not to fool them, not because the relationship isn't important, but simply because using a word that brings my sex life into the conversation would be awkward for both. I know I have one, they know I do, we don't need to talk about it.

This. Tbh I dont't think men are always the greatest at thinking stuff like this through.

Why not just say to him, "I understand you'll be tied up with the kids while they're visiting, but I'd like to see you at some point over the week. Can we meet up for lunch or a drink one day?" and see what he says.

Is there not a moderator for abusive language?

This is sensible. I think some posters have thought I am asking to be introduced or to join them which isn't the case. I am literally asking is it unreasonable for him to have not told his adult children he is in relationship and would like to see that person for an evening over Christmas. Yes he is married to their mother but he hasn't lived with her for 3 years.

He always put me first. He loves and cares for his children,

What a really fabulous father. Not.