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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel part of a secret life

177 replies

Museumland · 02/12/2022 13:00

DBF and I have been dating for 5 months in a close relationship where we spend a lot of time together. He is separated from his wife and has been for 3 years and is divorcing. He has great relationships with his adult children (early 20s) and is caring and loving to them. He sees one of them, his son for dinners/coffees and lunches 3 times a week. His wife knows about me and his friends, some of whom I have met, but to his children I am referred to as a friend. He is hosting the Christmas lunch and his children will stay for a week. I completely understand that dating 5 months isn't long, but by the same token his children are adults and I can't help feeling that I am compartmentalised. He is busy talking and making plans for Christmas none of which include me from Christmas Eve onwards and I am feeling a bit hurt. I also completely understand that for important things his children should come before me. But I think he feels his children will feel upset if they know he is in a relationship and he obviously wants to avoid that notwithstanding whether their reaction is reasonable. I don't really know how to handle this situation because it's delicate and I wouldn't want him to think I am resentful towards his children.

OP posts:
Jumpking · 03/12/2022 08:17

I do think men want it a bit both ways as in separated equals single but then as you say there's the contractual entanglement of still being married.

@Museumland

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

I could have written your post myself last year. DP and I had been together 4 months. Separated from his wife for 2 years.
His very sensible 12 yr old son didn't have a scooby his dad had a friend.
Didn't see DP from 20th-27th Dec. I completely understood why and filled my time with lovely things. I tried not to be miffed when I knew son was out for the day at a mates and DP didn't use the time to grab a coffee with me.

Roll on another 8 months and son still didn't have a scooby his dad had a friend. DP and I were on holiday together and DP said if his son had asked who he was on holiday with, he might have told him he was seeing someone.

His divorce didn't move on one jot during that year. My divorce came through 18 months after I separated from ex and DP thought that was really quick. 😳

DP is now XDP.

Tread very carefully here OP would be my advice. Try not to fall for him too hard.

SEMPA1234567 · 03/12/2022 08:18

I don’t think Christmas is the time to be introducing a new partner to his children (adult or not). Especially if you’re the first partner he’s had since separating, it’s going to bring up a lot of emotions for them and I don’t think Christmas Day is when you would ideally want to do that. I think you should be happy that you’ve found such a good man that is respectful of his families feelings and doesn’t put himself first (as I’m sure he’d want to be with you also). Do your own thing over Christmas, then in the next few months (once you are sure the relationship is likely to be long term) meet the kids and then by next year I’m sure you’ll have some involvement with his children over Christmas.

853ax · 03/12/2022 08:19

Is his ex spending Christmas with him also ? If not I doubt the children will be with him all 5 days they would visit Mother also.
Expect there will be time for both of you together but at this stage few weeks out he organising the events his children can attend as they will be juggling visiting other parents, families ect

Mulhollandmagoo · 03/12/2022 08:21

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? I'd there any chance he thinks this is what you want too?

I don't think Christmas is the time to introduce a new partner to your adult children, but he could tell his kids he has plans one day any meet you for lunch.

warofthemonstertrucks · 03/12/2022 08:22

I'm sure the children have guessed you are more than a friend but as pp said even adult children can find it difficult to think about their parents moving on. Equally he might just be being over cautious as especially at Christmas he doesn't want o upset his relationship with them.

I think all that makes him a nice person although I can see how it's sad for you. Christmas might not be the right time if introducing you is going to be in any way tricky.

That said as PP said after Christmas I would think it resonate for him to be honest about you with them and for you to be Introduced to them at least.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 03/12/2022 08:23

How did you celebrate Christmas last year? Would you not prefer to have Christmas with those people (your family)?

to me Christmas is about family, firstly

TiddleyWink · 03/12/2022 08:23

Why on earth are you getting so serious about someone who is married? Separated perhaps, but he’s still going through a divorce and nothing is final until the ink is dry. I would be treading very, very carefully and saving things like meeting the kids and sharing Christmas, until he’s actually single. What you’re experiencing here is what happens when you date someone who is still married, he’s not divorced yet and that affects a lot of things including his emotional and physical availability.

Also I would personally feel very uncomfortable myself about being involved with someone who was married to someone else, but that’s a personal view. For me, being formally divorced is a big thing that matters a lot. Legally you’re a bit on the side and personally that would make me feel grim.

birder · 03/12/2022 08:26

So, he's making lots of plans, is that for the whole week while his children are there? Has he asked what your plans are, or does he assume you have family to see?

I wouldn't want to push myself in somewhere I wasn't wanted, so I would plan my time and not be available anyway. I would be interested to see how this panned out and if he actually missed me.

The bit before you become involved with their family is often the best bit anyway OP, so I think this is a bit of a 'wait and see' at the moment. He may surprise you.

daisychain01 · 03/12/2022 08:26

Christmas can often become the catalyst that helps to bottom out where new couples fit respectively into each others' lives.

He's focusing on his family first and foremost (fair enough) but him leaving things up in the air as to whether he wants to spend any time with you over the festive season would make me question the direction the relationship is heading.

if he says that he'd like to spend time on 25 and 26 with his children but could you have time together around New Year, I'd see that as a sign he'd thought things through. Him saying nothing will make it glaringly obvious you don't fit anywhere. Whether things have been going well over the past 5 months could give you a clue as to whether his say nothing option is anything to be worried about or just the casual nature of your relationship to date. If he's been really attentive and engaging and suddenly it hits the buffers I'd be thinking hmm not feeling the love here.

Id make plans for yourself and write off time with him this festive season the longer his silence continues, say by end of next week.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 03/12/2022 08:32

I would be unimpressed at having no Christmas slot at all. Are you doing anything Christmassy together at all? Is he going away to visit family and staying at their house? If this is the case, then it probably be awkward for you to spend Christmas with a bunch of strangers. Difficult to judge whether he is BU

WinterFoxes · 03/12/2022 08:33

I think I'd feel like you do, OP. Not seeing eachother on Christmas and Boxing Day might be a given, but five days? That would make me feel like plan B. As PP have said, they are all adults and the parents have been separated for years!

Also, why has this not been discussed wiht you and no mutual agreement come to? Will he always want you to fall in with plans that suit him or will he meet you half way? That's what I'd be looking out for if you stay together.

I hope you have a really good Christmas.

StickofVeg · 03/12/2022 08:36

OP I have to question how you know he is really separated and divorcing his wife. You say you have met some friends, but what evidence have you actually got that substantiates he is actually divorcing and soon. I say this because I wouldn't want you or anyone to be strung along and sometimes we have to look for hard evidence that someone is actually out of their previous relationship. Honestly, I don't think you should worry about seeing him over Xmas - he seems to be more embroiled with his family than he's letting on if he can't see you once in 5 days.

FlamingJingleBells · 03/12/2022 08:42

You are being unreasonable to be expected to spend Christmas with a relatively new boyfriend. You're at the start of a relationship which could last or not, if it doesn't last then his kids are stuck with the memory of spending Christmas 2022 with a short term girlfriend. Take it easy and slowly and don't make demands at such an early stage.

Unmarriedhousewife · 03/12/2022 08:43

I agree with above, adult dc will definitely twig there's more there but likely respect their dad's wishes to keep it quiet after only 5 months. Meeting a new partner can be difficult/awkward and christmas is absolutely not the time to do it. Yanbu to want to see him at some point but this year you need to perhaps have your own Christmas day (maybe cook together and swap gifts) a week later

Branleuse · 03/12/2022 08:49

He might be making plans with them, but i doubt his adult kids will be wanting to spend 5 days with him, so he will likely have free time.
I think a few months in, he is completely reasonable to prioritise his family. If he still wasnt planning things with you by next christmas, that would be different.
Have you asked him what day he would like to meet up for xmas drink and gift swapping, or has he actually said no

ZekeZeke · 03/12/2022 08:50

He is still married.
He has 20+ years history with his wife.
You are on the scene 5 months-a girlfriend.
Are they having Christmas together? Him, the wife and adult children?

user1471538283 · 03/12/2022 08:50

Maybe his adult DCs do not want to meet you. Not that they would dislike you but they are adults and you would not really be part of your life.

I met one of my DFs girlfriend and family and whilst she was lovely it was a waste of time. I had my own life and they split up not long after.

I know you feel hurt but I wouldn't push it. I would also be considering other options.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/12/2022 08:51

The barometer for me would be considering whether if this was any other relationship (ignoring ex wife/DC) etc, at 5 months in, would you be expecting to see your BF at some point over Christmas-for me that would be a yes. His DC are adults and I’m sure can cope. You need to have the conversation

Moveoverdarlin · 03/12/2022 08:53

He sounds like a decent man and a good dad. Things might be very different next year, when you’ve been together longer. Personally I wouldn’t bring it up, just go with it, although I understand why you’re feeling pushed out. After a week with twenty somethings in his house he’ll be delighted to see you I imagine. Don’t go getting all ‘but what about me?!’ It May make him have doubts.

3luckystars · 03/12/2022 08:54

Make your own plans, lots of them.

cleanfreak12345 · 03/12/2022 08:55

The ex wife knows about you but his adult children are told you're a "friend"

Firstly, the adult children aren't stupid and secondly, does your partner not think that his children and their mother talk?

He's been separated three years, a new woman has been on the scene for nearly half a year who's a "friend"

It doesn't take a genius to work out what's going on really, Christ knows why he cares so much. His children are in their twenties, probably more interested in their own lives anyway

Shodan · 03/12/2022 08:58

It does come across a bit as you being an option, rather than a priority. It's up to you how you choose to deal with that.

I think I'd remove myself as even a possibility, over Christmas at least. And don't entertain the idea of him 'popping in' when he has a free moment.

Tempyname · 03/12/2022 09:05

When we were at this stage we just met for a short walk on the day after Boxing Day morning, the two of us. Exchanged gifts etc. sadly I would say that adult children can be challenging and it sounds like if they aren’t aware of you that he might think they will be. We’ve been together decades and it can be done but it’s often up and down so do make sure he is the one if you do end up getting more serious!

KatherineJaneway · 03/12/2022 09:07

I do kinda get where you are coming from OP but it has only been 5 months and, despite being adults, their age is no guarantee that they will take the news of a new romance well. Has he introduced any other women he has dated since his separation to his kids?

Lovemusic33 · 03/12/2022 09:08

I have been dating someone for a similar length of time but not as full on (I don’t rush things), I don’t plan on spending Christmas with him, he hasn’t met my dc yet and I only see him when my dc (older teens )are not around, my dc don’t really know about him as there’s no need as it’s early days.

You relationship sounds pretty full on for 5 months, you are expecting him to make you priority over his family for Christmas? I think you need to slow things down. If you stay with him there will be more Christmas’s that you can spend together, I think it’s pretty standard that the first Christmas in a relationship you don’t spend together, especially when you or your partner have dc?

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