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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel part of a secret life

177 replies

Museumland · 02/12/2022 13:00

DBF and I have been dating for 5 months in a close relationship where we spend a lot of time together. He is separated from his wife and has been for 3 years and is divorcing. He has great relationships with his adult children (early 20s) and is caring and loving to them. He sees one of them, his son for dinners/coffees and lunches 3 times a week. His wife knows about me and his friends, some of whom I have met, but to his children I am referred to as a friend. He is hosting the Christmas lunch and his children will stay for a week. I completely understand that dating 5 months isn't long, but by the same token his children are adults and I can't help feeling that I am compartmentalised. He is busy talking and making plans for Christmas none of which include me from Christmas Eve onwards and I am feeling a bit hurt. I also completely understand that for important things his children should come before me. But I think he feels his children will feel upset if they know he is in a relationship and he obviously wants to avoid that notwithstanding whether their reaction is reasonable. I don't really know how to handle this situation because it's delicate and I wouldn't want him to think I am resentful towards his children.

OP posts:
WindyHedges · 03/12/2022 09:10

I completely understand that dating 5 months isn't long, but by the same token his children are adults and I can't help feeling that I am compartmentalised

His relationship with his children is absolutely none of your business. His children have a relationship with him that predates yours by years.

I’m an adult child of divorced parents, and the reason they’re divorced is because my father could never stay emotionally faithful to my mother. This turned into physical unfaithfulness when I was in my late teens.

That history, and my fathers never sticking to one woman, means I still have zero wish to meet any of his women. Even ones he stayed with for more than a couple of years. They are nothing to me.

Your boyfriend’s children may know more about this situation than ever you could guess.

Ariela · 03/12/2022 09:14

To not be introduced to the adult kids is one thing.
To not be going out or doing something together or not be seeing each other over the 5 day Christmas period is another.

I'd suggest going for brunch one morning, or an evening out - and when he says no tell him how you feel.

roarfeckingroarr · 03/12/2022 09:14

@LadyWithLapdog that was an affair with young children involved. A very different situation.

OP it's early days. Christmas isn't really the time to introduce a new girlfriend/boyfriend. The kids might be adults but it still could bring up some strange difficult feelings. You've only been together a few months. Is there really a rush? Can you not handle a few days apart over Christmas?

If this is still how things are next year, then you would have a point.

Riverlee · 03/12/2022 09:16

Good advice upthread about being proactive. Instead of waiting for him to include you in his plans, make your plans and invite him along. Suggest a walk, cafe trip, day out on one of the days over the holiday period. See how he reacts.

PenelopeGarseeya · 03/12/2022 09:16

Hmmmm. I can see both sides. I get Christmas Day/Boxing Day could be kept for them but I think he’s being quite thoughtless to effectively put you on hold for a week at one of the most (for some, and obviously forhim if he is aware of keeping it special for the kids) lovely times of the year. The balance is off here

PuzzledObserver · 03/12/2022 09:24

(Now) DH and I had our first snog mid-November, and I was invited to join the family Christmas at his sister’s house, which meant meeting his parents. No children involved, though.

Was that too quick? I introduced him to my parents on Boxing Day. It seems to have worked, cos we’ve been married 22 years.

LadyWithLapdog · 03/12/2022 09:27

@roarfeckingroarr oh, I agree. Yet so many being so quick to forgive and forget and going well, they are partners now, why shouldn’t they be public etc. And here is someone who wasn’t implicated in the other person’s marriage breakdown, the other person has grown up children, yet so many think it’s ok to keep quiet and apart.

BobbyBobbyBobby · 03/12/2022 09:27

I understand that he will be seeing them for one or two days but as adults surely they have their own lives and won’t be with their father day and night for a whole week?

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/12/2022 09:27

But the OP isn't insisting that he spends Xmas with her. Obviously he will want to spend Xmas with his kids but surely adult kids are out with their own friends/going to parties or busy with hobbies, shopping etc. I'd be seriously concerned if my adult kids were mooching around my house requiring my attention 24/7 for 5 days with nothing else to do.

I don't think a drink/walk/pub lunch over the festive period is too much to expect when you've otherwise been seeing each other loads.

But this thread is quite entrenched with half saying it's wrong, the other half saying it's perfectly acceptable so I'm guessing it's how you feel about it OP which counts.

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 09:27

Newwardrobe · 02/12/2022 13:25

Perhaps the children have twigged that you're more than a friend and have told him they're not ready to meet you.

They are adults. It has nothing to do with them.

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 09:29

I think he's being a bit of a prick here saying OK see you after a week and I would think twice about my relationship with him.

Auntyacid · 03/12/2022 09:34

I’ve been on the other end of this and my DF showed no such consideration, he thought we were very unreasonable not to want to meet the woman he’d left our DM for. You aren’t the OW and have done nothing wrong but he’s putting his DC first for now. By next Christmas you have every right to expect to be fully involved. I hope you have a very lovely peaceful Christmas doing something you enjoy. Make your own plans and let it go this year.

Itsbeenashortyear · 03/12/2022 09:35

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 09:27

They are adults. It has nothing to do with them.

Show quote history

Wether they meet and spend time with Op is nothing to do with them?

CaronPoivre · 03/12/2022 09:35

He is married. Until he isn’t you are having an affair and are the ‘other woman’. Plenty of men ‘are getting a divorce’ and plenty of woman fall into trap of committing to someone who is cheating.
Why would he sit you at a table with his children and destroy their image of him and probably their relationship?
Five months is a seriously short time to want to play happy families with a family that is breaking up.

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 09:39

It's been 3 years since he and his wife split up. I agree he should have got a move on with divorce or maybe so should his wife? Him having someone new after three years will "destroy their image of him"? That sounds a bit OTT.

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 09:40

Itsbeenashortyear · 03/12/2022 09:35

Wether they meet and spend time with Op is nothing to do with them?

Show quote history

They would have their choice if they wanted to meet her.

itsjakeandamy · 03/12/2022 09:40

I can understand where he's coming from.
Are his adult children actually 18 and a bit older or in their 30s? It makes a difference.
I have adult children but they're still at uni - I would not be bringing a new partner around that quickly. Also - if they all live far away - he might just be super excited at having all his kids around for a week and I can understand that. I'd feel the same.
My sil - who divorced about 4 years ago - has a new partner in the last 2 years. She introduced him to us all (and her children, all in their 20s) very quickly.
He's very nice and everyone likes him but it does completely change the dynamic of an occasion (less so now but more at the beginning). Where we were used to hanging out with her (and before, with her ex) casually, now every occasion felt like "hosting" and having to be very polite and ask questions about his life etc. Obviously we did it because we're nice and wanted to be polite and kind and it looks as though their relationship will progress - but I'm glad she didn't bring him around at Christmas last year even though they'd been together a few months by then.
And her children have found it hard and weird - they are trying very hard to be understanding and accepting but they still find it odd to get their heads around.
I know it must feel like you are being overlooked but I think this shows that he's a good person and I'd give him the benefit of the doubt over this one. 5 months is a very short time really. By the summer I'm sure things will be different.

MrsClatterbuck · 03/12/2022 09:41

How can he not see you even for a few hours over Christmas. Surely his adult kids are not spending their time with him 24/7. Some time with their mother plus surely they will be out with their friends as well even boy or girl friends.

Ilkleymoor · 03/12/2022 09:41

I was an adult child of divorcing parents. Can be very difficult, especially if one parent doesn't want to divorce. I would also not include you the first year because I would want to re establish ground with my adult kids and how Christmas happens.

Not seeing you on the big days is reasonable, not sure why he isn't saying let's do something lovely on 27th. It could just be not knowing how to manage it, it could be he enjoys the relationship but you're going to stay at fun casual status.

Runningintolife · 03/12/2022 09:42

Speak up. Say you want to have plans with him over Christmas. Ask him when in 2023 he might introduce you as his partner. Your feelings matter and its ok to express them actually essential to express them. Compromise can follow.

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 09:43

itsjakeandamy · 03/12/2022 09:40

I can understand where he's coming from.
Are his adult children actually 18 and a bit older or in their 30s? It makes a difference.
I have adult children but they're still at uni - I would not be bringing a new partner around that quickly. Also - if they all live far away - he might just be super excited at having all his kids around for a week and I can understand that. I'd feel the same.
My sil - who divorced about 4 years ago - has a new partner in the last 2 years. She introduced him to us all (and her children, all in their 20s) very quickly.
He's very nice and everyone likes him but it does completely change the dynamic of an occasion (less so now but more at the beginning). Where we were used to hanging out with her (and before, with her ex) casually, now every occasion felt like "hosting" and having to be very polite and ask questions about his life etc. Obviously we did it because we're nice and wanted to be polite and kind and it looks as though their relationship will progress - but I'm glad she didn't bring him around at Christmas last year even though they'd been together a few months by then.
And her children have found it hard and weird - they are trying very hard to be understanding and accepting but they still find it odd to get their heads around.
I know it must feel like you are being overlooked but I think this shows that he's a good person and I'd give him the benefit of the doubt over this one. 5 months is a very short time really. By the summer I'm sure things will be different.

This post is all about you and how you feel about the new partner and you also rope in her adult children. When does it get to be about her or she has to maintain the status quo to make you all feel relaxed ?

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 09:46

It could well be that his wife doesn't know that he is seeing people/you and he wants to keep it that way as it is easier for him. My now H met his ex w in the Nov to tell her that he had met someone and it was serious and I would be meeting their children at some point. We met in the April.

DuchessDandelion · 03/12/2022 09:46

Are you sure you're not a secret?

BobbyBobbyBobby · 03/12/2022 09:49

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 09:46

It could well be that his wife doesn't know that he is seeing people/you and he wants to keep it that way as it is easier for him. My now H met his ex w in the Nov to tell her that he had met someone and it was serious and I would be meeting their children at some point. We met in the April.

The op stated that the wife knows about her.

DuchessDandelion · 03/12/2022 09:52

It sounds like she's been told the wife knows about her...Does she actually?

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