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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about a woman staying at DPs house overnight

197 replies

Shoulda · 02/12/2022 11:36

woman From work who he’s good friends with. He’s stayed at hers before(in her bed which I told him I wasn’t happy about) but now she’s staying at his house tonight. He lives at his mums at the moment so she will be there too. She will be staying in the spare room. I’ve brought it up with him before and he knows it doesn’t sit right with me. I trust him but it just feels disrespectful. We have a baby who lives with me and I stay at his house 2-3 nights per week or he comes to my house.
Do I bring this up again or just stay quiet?

OP posts:
Charlize43 · 02/12/2022 13:21

Does she provide this bed service for her other work colleagues?

It sounds most inappropriate.

PearlclutchersInc · 02/12/2022 13:25

Shoulda · 02/12/2022 11:41

I’m all honesty, I really can’t be arsed to bring it up with him again. I was made to look like I didn’t trust him-which I do. Probably is my relevant, but he’s 13 years younger than me and I think it’s more ‘acceptable’ to do this if you’re if that age group??

Never mind what age group it is. It's how it sits with you. You don't like it and that's what should count.

ReneBumsWombats · 02/12/2022 13:27

He lives with his mum, he isn't hands on with the baby, he brings friends home to stay...

Couldn't she just have taken the other bunk bed???

Autumndays123 · 02/12/2022 13:28

I'm also confused. You're in a relationship with a considerably younger man, don't live with him, don't have sex with him, never want to live with him and you feel what you have is an actual relationship? So many red flags, more on your part than his. Scooping your baby off for a sleepover half the week in this guys mum's house is also really strange. I cannot imagine living like this at 40. You're fast approaching middle age, what are you doing?

Autumndays123 · 02/12/2022 13:30

Although, I'm also betting OP doesn't want him to live with her because he works and she wants to be able to extract benefits from the system. Bit of benefit fraud going on is my hunch

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 13:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 13:32

Autumndays123 · 02/12/2022 13:30

Although, I'm also betting OP doesn't want him to live with her because he works and she wants to be able to extract benefits from the system. Bit of benefit fraud going on is my hunch

Ding ding ding!

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 02/12/2022 13:32

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 02/12/2022 13:18

Glad benefits are paying out for a baby who has 2 parents who live together but not enough that they loose their benefits.

It's an insult to people who work hard and are honest
People like you make me angry 😤

Rebeljustforkicks · 02/12/2022 13:35

Why are they even sleeping over at each others houses? Confused
Doesn't make sense that this is a regular thing, especially sharing the same bed , ( even though they definitely wont this time), for it not to be sexual?
Wise up FFS

Original poster
Shoulda · 02/12/2022 13:37

Not that it’s anyone’s business, but I run my own successful business, so no, I don’t receive any benefits

OP posts:
Onefootinthegroove · 02/12/2022 13:46

Woah! WTF is it with the benefits bashing ?
I know a woman who has a baby with, but does not live with, her partner. Both work, no benefits involved, just works better for them logistically.
As for the sleepovers? You are being mugged off op 💐

BigFatLiar · 02/12/2022 13:49

He’s stayed at hers before(in her bed which I told him I wasn’t happy about)

This is a bit off if it was while you were a couple, if it was before then not an issue.

However your whole relationship seems a bit strange if you've no intent to settle down with him then really it's a bit of a FWB style relationship rather than a boyfriend/girlfriend style relationship.

emptythelitterbox · 02/12/2022 13:51

Have you ever met the friend?

Underanothersky · 02/12/2022 13:57

Why are people assuming benifit fraud?

Changednamesorry · 02/12/2022 13:57

Ok so I can come in from a different angle to the majority as I too live seperately from my partner with whom I have a young baby.

We love each other very much and the reasons we don't live together are largely due to the fact that we both work from home, live in flats a two minute walk from one another and there are 3 kids in total so we'd have to spend the same on renting an office that his apartment costs.

Now he isn't living with his mum so what happens is that we spend approximately half the time at mine and half the time at his and a night or two a week sleep seperately and we each have keys to the others apartment.

But - he would never dream of having some woman to stay overnight. If he did, it would be over. So YADNBU for your living arrangements but HIBVVVVVVVU having some woman staying over like that. Living apart but being together requires trust. This is not Ok.

CambsAlways · 02/12/2022 14:06

Weird set up to me! If you are not living together despite having a baby together and babies dad is living with his mummy, you can hardly dictate what he is doing , it’s not a partnership

BobbyBobbyBobby · 02/12/2022 14:07

fruktsoda · 02/12/2022 12:56

Honestly, I wouldn't care if something is "normal" for a different age group to mine. If it crosses my boundaries, I don't have to be okay with it in my own relationship. That sounds like an excuse to me, so massive red flag. However, if you don't want a long-term, serious relationship with this man, or any man, I'm not sure it matters. I'd end it now. He sounds immature, but then again, he's no the only one who sounds a bit "off" here.

I also feel sorry for your children. It's not fair to bring them into a messy situation with no hope of a decent father involved in their lives.

This 👏🏻

BobbyBobbyBobby · 02/12/2022 14:08

Autumndays123 · 02/12/2022 13:30

Although, I'm also betting OP doesn't want him to live with her because he works and she wants to be able to extract benefits from the system. Bit of benefit fraud going on is my hunch

Nail. On. Head.

BatshitBanshee · 02/12/2022 14:13

You sound like you don't make him or the relationship with him a priority so I'm not sure why you're expecting him to do the same for you. Weird set up. He's essentially a sperm donor who lives with his mum, has friends round for tea and pops in to coo over the baby.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2022 14:15

Shoulda · 02/12/2022 11:41

I’m all honesty, I really can’t be arsed to bring it up with him again. I was made to look like I didn’t trust him-which I do. Probably is my relevant, but he’s 13 years younger than me and I think it’s more ‘acceptable’ to do this if you’re if that age group??

No you don't trust him. And nor would I.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2022 14:16

Autumndays123 · 02/12/2022 13:30

Although, I'm also betting OP doesn't want him to live with her because he works and she wants to be able to extract benefits from the system. Bit of benefit fraud going on is my hunch

Hunch. With no evidence

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2022 14:18

Shoulda · 02/12/2022 11:55

If we were to split up, I just don’t know how it would work with the baby. Baby is still EBF and refuses a bottle. He adores baby but isn’t particularly hands on with the ‘important’ parts

Why would he be? How often does he see his child? Does the child stay with him at his mum's?

Herejustforthisone · 02/12/2022 14:18

What’s your business @Shoulda?

lechatnoir · 02/12/2022 14:20

So he's basically a mate that keeps you company a few times a week that happens to be father of your youngest child ConfusedDoes he contribute financially? And I don't mean does he stop off for a pack of nappies but actually contribute to raising a child?

This isn't a relationship - grow up, move on and use contraception next time.

SideshowAuntSallly · 02/12/2022 14:28

I've shared a bed with male friends in the past (when I was in my 20s) not sure I'd do it now though. It just feels different now I'm the wrong side of 40.

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