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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about a woman staying at DPs house overnight

197 replies

Shoulda · 02/12/2022 11:36

woman From work who he’s good friends with. He’s stayed at hers before(in her bed which I told him I wasn’t happy about) but now she’s staying at his house tonight. He lives at his mums at the moment so she will be there too. She will be staying in the spare room. I’ve brought it up with him before and he knows it doesn’t sit right with me. I trust him but it just feels disrespectful. We have a baby who lives with me and I stay at his house 2-3 nights per week or he comes to my house.
Do I bring this up again or just stay quiet?

OP posts:
OlympicProcrastinator · 02/12/2022 12:45

That last sentence is about the most unfortunate typo I've ever

OMFG 😂😂😂😂 You’re so right, I’m dying 😂

Original poster
Shoulda · 02/12/2022 12:45

He is not a fuck buddy 🙄 who has the time or energy for sex with a new baby?? He isn’t childcare either. I haven’t left baby yet

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 02/12/2022 12:45

SideEyeSally · 02/12/2022 12:38

That last sentence is about the most unfortunate typo I've ever seen.

Show quote history

😂😂

Misspacorabanne · 02/12/2022 12:45

Wake up op! He's playing you for a fool!!

Blossomtoes · 02/12/2022 12:46

Shoulda · 02/12/2022 12:45

He is not a fuck buddy 🙄 who has the time or energy for sex with a new baby?? He isn’t childcare either. I haven’t left baby yet

What is he then? He seems to be neither use nor ornament.

2bazookas · 02/12/2022 12:47

He's shagging her. You know that really.

butterfliedtwo · 02/12/2022 12:49

You're FWB who share a child that you raise. This is not a relationship.

Herejustforthisone · 02/12/2022 12:50

What a weird set up. An older woman in a home with her kids. Fine. Her ‘partner’ is much younger, lives with his mummy, and shares the bed with another woman during sleepovers. It’s kind of fucked.

Bin him off now, why wait? Doesn’t sound like he’s going to bother his arse trying to be a proper father anyway.

CloudyYellow · 02/12/2022 12:50

malificent7 · 02/12/2022 11:38

And u have a baby together but don't live together?!

This.
Does not sound like he is that committed to you.

butterfliedtwo · 02/12/2022 12:51

kingtamponthefurred · 02/12/2022 12:19

You have chosen not to have a conventional set-up, so you do not get to control what he does when he is not with you.

And this is a very good point.

Imogensmumma · 02/12/2022 12:52

Why is she staying over, why did he stay at hers. Ubers and hotels exist for a reason

There is too many moving parts in this situation

altmember · 02/12/2022 12:53

Sorry, but it doesn't sound like you're even in a relationship with him. Why have a child with someone you don't even like enough to try and cohabit with? You're a single parent and he's a Disney dad, and that's entirely your choice by not wanting to live together. There's no way he can pull his weight as a parent of a newborn without being present.

Who he see's and what he gets up to the rest of the time is barely of any of your business.

BobbyBobbyBobby · 02/12/2022 12:53

All I can see here is a poor baby/child being raised by two selfish parents who put their own lifestyle choices before those of raising a child in a united and loving family environment.

grlwhowrites · 02/12/2022 12:55

I think the issue here is that he knows it doesn't sit right with you and yet he's doing it anyway? Deliberately doing something you know bothers or upsets your partner is disrespectful.
While her staying over at his mum's in the spare room doesn't sound like an excuse to have sex, it's still something he knows makes you uncomfortable and that's an issue. Why does she need to stay there? Why can't she go home or stay with someone else?

fruktsoda · 02/12/2022 12:56

Honestly, I wouldn't care if something is "normal" for a different age group to mine. If it crosses my boundaries, I don't have to be okay with it in my own relationship. That sounds like an excuse to me, so massive red flag. However, if you don't want a long-term, serious relationship with this man, or any man, I'm not sure it matters. I'd end it now. He sounds immature, but then again, he's no the only one who sounds a bit "off" here.

I also feel sorry for your children. It's not fair to bring them into a messy situation with no hope of a decent father involved in their lives.

Upsidedownagain · 02/12/2022 12:57

Given that you don't want him closely entwined in your life or living with you, not do you want sex with him apparently, then I'd let him do as he pleases. Whether they have sex together or not doesn't seem to have much bearing on you. Are you annoyed he might have fun when you can't? (Despite her apparently being a platonic friend anyway)

Catapultaway · 02/12/2022 12:57

You are nearly 40 and your sleeping over at your boyfriend's mum's house 3 nights a week??
It's not just him that needs to grow up.

Coldhouseflowers · 02/12/2022 12:59

This should have finished after the staying in bed together, there’s no way I was sleep in the bed with my male bed friend !

NotToBeShaked · 02/12/2022 13:06

Everything aside OP, this relationship sounds flimsy and unfulfilling. I say that as someone who like you won't live with another man again (but has a wonderful, secure relationship with my partner of 4 years).

Time to end this relationship.

georgarina · 02/12/2022 13:08

kingtamponthefurred · 02/12/2022 12:19

You have chosen not to have a conventional set-up, so you do not get to control what he does when he is not with you.

...so if you're in a relationship but not living together you're free to cheat?

viques · 02/12/2022 13:10

He doesn’t live at “his” house, he lives at his mums house. I bet his mum cooks his tea,does his washing and changes the sheets on his bed when you have stayed over for a night of passion.

I don’t know how any man worth his salt and over the age of 19 would want a work colleague to be aware of his living relationship, especially if they know about you.

He really doesn’t sound as though he is worth the headspace you are giving him, he clearly doesn’t care too much about how his actions affect you and your children so ask yourself if you could do better.

LakieLady · 02/12/2022 13:11

Shoulda · 02/12/2022 11:41

I’m all honesty, I really can’t be arsed to bring it up with him again. I was made to look like I didn’t trust him-which I do. Probably is my relevant, but he’s 13 years younger than me and I think it’s more ‘acceptable’ to do this if you’re if that age group??

If you trust him, I don't see what the problem is, tbh. I can't see anything that's not "acceptable" about it as long as there's no infidelity, or what the relevance of age is. I used to stay over at a male friend's regularly, and he at mine, to save the hassle of getting (expensive) taxis or if we were going to the same event the following day.

I did this until well into my 50s and only stopped when he died.

Bog · 02/12/2022 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JestersTear · 02/12/2022 13:17

Regardless of where she sleeps (yes, hang on a min folks) the actual issue here is that you have said that you don't like the sleepovers, they make you uncomfortable but in spite of telling him this a few times now, he STILL DOES IT!
You are setting your boundaries by saying that you're unhappy with it and he is ignoring them and going ahead and doing it anyway. THAT's a reason to walk away before you even get to the sleeping arrangements themselves. (Sharing a bed? Hard no from me!)

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 02/12/2022 13:18

Glad benefits are paying out for a baby who has 2 parents who live together but not enough that they loose their benefits.