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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about a woman staying at DPs house overnight

197 replies

Shoulda · 02/12/2022 11:36

woman From work who he’s good friends with. He’s stayed at hers before(in her bed which I told him I wasn’t happy about) but now she’s staying at his house tonight. He lives at his mums at the moment so she will be there too. She will be staying in the spare room. I’ve brought it up with him before and he knows it doesn’t sit right with me. I trust him but it just feels disrespectful. We have a baby who lives with me and I stay at his house 2-3 nights per week or he comes to my house.
Do I bring this up again or just stay quiet?

OP posts:
AccioChocolate · 02/12/2022 11:49

Even still, he should have his own place just so he can effectively raise his child too.

Original poster
Shoulda · 02/12/2022 11:50

He’s mid 20s

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 02/12/2022 11:52

You are wanting him to have a mature relationship with you

he isn’t willing to regardless that you have a child together

move on

Biscuits1011 · 02/12/2022 11:53

What the hell. No way on this earth should that be ok. Why are women so ok with these loser men… ugh. And there was a time I’d put up with shit like this so I don’t want to be harsh… but never again. No, just nope. Tell him if she stays, he can kiss goodbye to your relationship. It’s so disrespectful. I’m angry at him for you.

Trinity65 · 02/12/2022 11:53

I'm old OP so my single days were a long time ago. 1980s. I have shared beds with make and female friends, just to sleep. We were single though. Not sure how I would feel in your shoes

Original poster
Shoulda · 02/12/2022 11:55

If we were to split up, I just don’t know how it would work with the baby. Baby is still EBF and refuses a bottle. He adores baby but isn’t particularly hands on with the ‘important’ parts

OP posts:
RewildingAmbridge · 02/12/2022 11:57

This is what I mean OP, he's not an equal partner , he doesn't live with you so he doesn't deal with the mundane repetitive day to day, you've acknowledged he isn't hands on with the baby. It's not a long term relationship, regardless of who stays at his mum's house and you've convinced yourself this is what you want. If it really was you wouldn't be on here questioning him.

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 11:58

Have some self respect OP... really, this whole deal is pathetic for more than one reason.

Bookworm20 · 02/12/2022 11:58

Well whats the reason for her staying over? And the reason he stayed at hers?

And YANBU to be annoyed.

MolliciousIntent · 02/12/2022 11:58

Shoulda · 02/12/2022 11:55

If we were to split up, I just don’t know how it would work with the baby. Baby is still EBF and refuses a bottle. He adores baby but isn’t particularly hands on with the ‘important’ parts

How can he be, he doesn't live there! For all intents and purposes your child is having the same experience as any other child from a broken home

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 11:59

Shoulda · 02/12/2022 11:55

If we were to split up, I just don’t know how it would work with the baby. Baby is still EBF and refuses a bottle. He adores baby but isn’t particularly hands on with the ‘important’ parts

Please tell me that at least he pays for the baby!

Juicylychee · 02/12/2022 11:59

Jesus Christ why do you keep having kids with dickhead men? Not even living together, why not get some commitment and solid foundation before bringing more children into it.

YellowTreeHouse · 02/12/2022 12:00

Why is she staying over in the first place?

Why does he live at his mums when he’s a father?

He’s playing at being a grown up and failing badly.

sheepdogdelight · 02/12/2022 12:00

Wouldn't be happy with sleeping in the same bed, but staying in the spare room at his mother's house seems innocuous enough.

I think you need to work out whether he is your partner or simply the father of your child. At the moment it sounds more like the latter.

Original poster
Shoulda · 02/12/2022 12:01

@sheepdogdelight yes you’re right. It’s a relationship of convenience at the moment and I’m pretty sure he isn’t going to be my forever. I don’t want to be with anyone! I’m happy in my own little bubble with my kids

OP posts:
csecdec · 02/12/2022 12:04

sorry for being harsh but you’re being a complete mug if you think there’s nothing going on here

TedMullins · 02/12/2022 12:04

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a friend staying in the spare room. Living with his mum would be a big turn off though. But it sounds like this guy is more of an hindrance to your life than a positive addition so probably best to cut your losses

WhatTheHellIsAQuasar · 02/12/2022 12:05

In what way is he a partner?

Clarinet1 · 02/12/2022 12:07

I don’t think it sounds as if he is mature enough to be a parent but, at the same time, I don’t quite understand why you are asking about this when you say you trust him. Whether you are right to trust him is another matter entirely though - I don’t think I would!

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 12:08

Juicylychee · 02/12/2022 11:59

Jesus Christ why do you keep having kids with dickhead men? Not even living together, why not get some commitment and solid foundation before bringing more children into it.

This...

One is a mistake, two is a pattern.

You'd think a grown woman with kids, pushing 40 would know to put fireproof contraception in place when dating a loser dude 13 years her junior.

Poor kids...

Fupoffyagrasshole · 02/12/2022 12:10

Honestly when i was in my 20's i did things like this all the time and thought nothing of it!

I'd probably still share a bed with a male friend now (even though i'm married with a child) but it just doesn't come up much anymore as, 1 im not out as often with small baby, and 2, my best male friend who's bed I often slept in after nights out now lives with his girlfriend so if i do crash at there's after a night out Id sleep on the sofa.

I guess it depends though - some people are fine with things like this - others aren't!

RaRaRaspoutine · 02/12/2022 12:12

He'll tell YOU that she's in the spare room. It might not be the case. This whole setup benefits him, not you and baby.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 02/12/2022 12:12

He's mid twenties and single. How old are you OP ? It looks like a non starter to me and you would be better off leaving him to play while you do the grown up stuff

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 02/12/2022 12:13

@Shoulda

I think you have bigger problems here

Why is your partner living with his mum and not you and the baby? Unless you are swizzling benefits??

That's weird

georgarina · 02/12/2022 12:14

No, not normal and ok regardless of age group.

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