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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to borrow some money from DP over Xmas period

281 replies

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 10:52

Hi, me and DP have been together for 8 years. We have a 1 year old child and I work part time and care for our child, him full time.
We both pay into the joint account, him obviously more than me but I contribute what I can. After paying the joint account, my phone bill, my car tax monthly payments I am currently only left with about £150 per month to live on which has to pay for my fuel and daily living expenses. This month I have nearly run out because of Christmas and buying people presents. I asked him if I would be able to borrow some money and then pay it back to him after pay day, so that I would be able to go out to my works Christmas dinner. He had a less that happy reaction to me asking for some money.
Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think I am living a life of some sort of luxury ..... which couldn't be further from truth

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 02/12/2022 15:12

It's like bloody groundhog day on here lately.

Yanbu op. Your partner is financially exploiting and abusing you.

You don't do this to people you love, you do it to people you don't respect and can't stand

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:12

Yes I will be having a serious conversation with him about money and that I won't be able to continue working part time if it continues as it is & that we will need to outsource for childcare. He needs a reality check and I need to stop being a door mat.
Our home is jointly owned and I actually put more money into that and have the legalities around that to state that and if we were to sell I would get the larger proportion back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:15

And just to clarify - we do have a joint back account which I have access to but because of his general attitude to money I don't feel able to just use it without justify exactly what everything was for. So I only use the joint account for things for our son and for the house etc. not anything solely for me - but from everyone's reaction I can see this is not a good idea!!

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 02/12/2022 15:19

I would expect car costs to go through joint account, but if you are a in a long term relationship I would expect same savings amount and the the rest pooled in the joint account, unless one partner is really bad with money

Dreaming0ftomorrowing · 02/12/2022 15:21

"If I were to sell I'd get the larger proportion back"

If you are not married & own a property together
If you split, the property would be divided equally
You could claim child maintenance

If you were married you could claim more like half of pensions, joint savings, perhaps more of the property, widows pension

Do you both have wills ?

Suggest you read up on rights of
Single person
Versus
Married/Civil partnership

TiredButAlive · 02/12/2022 15:22

Invoice him for the childcare you are providing!!!!

Dreaming0ftomorrowing · 02/12/2022 15:23

You both need to treat each other as equals

carmenitapink · 02/12/2022 15:24

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:06

Just to add we are not married because neither of us has the desire to be married. Marriage isn't for everyone - I know it's the norm, but I've never desired a marriage or a wedding from ever since I was younger

Ugh sigh.

I'm tired of this site.

Dong have to get married but then you shouldn't essentially be subsidising his childcare for him,

Women let men have it so easy these days.

I bet you do all the childcare and housework, but are completely financial vulnerable if you break up.

I'm tired of reading about these situations because it all ties in to so many of the problems we see today when the man leaves, won't pay child support and the woman and child are left so vulnerable for taxpayer to pick up the pieces

carmenitapink · 02/12/2022 15:25

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:10

Yes I do all the cooking, housework, child care etc

I knew this before reading it.

Not directed at OP specifically, but ladies FGS WISE UP!!!

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:26

Dreaming0ftomorrowing · 02/12/2022 15:21

"If I were to sell I'd get the larger proportion back"

If you are not married & own a property together
If you split, the property would be divided equally
You could claim child maintenance

If you were married you could claim more like half of pensions, joint savings, perhaps more of the property, widows pension

Do you both have wills ?

Suggest you read up on rights of
Single person
Versus
Married/Civil partnership

No I have legal documentation that I would get the larger proportion back.
This is the one thing I am sure on Grin Because we were buying the house with a disproportionately larger amount of the deposit from me, we had to sign legal documentation to state whether we would get equal parts if we were to sell or if I would get back more as I put in substantially more. We both agreed on the latter because we are not married.

OP posts:
sheepdogdelight · 02/12/2022 15:27

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:15

And just to clarify - we do have a joint back account which I have access to but because of his general attitude to money I don't feel able to just use it without justify exactly what everything was for. So I only use the joint account for things for our son and for the house etc. not anything solely for me - but from everyone's reaction I can see this is not a good idea!!

Fine to not use the joint account for personal stuff -just be clear between the two of you which is joint and which isn't.

So, for example, DH and I pay for our own phones, partly because he likes the latest expensive model, and I have a cheap old thing. However, commuting costs come from the joint account because we deem these to be an essential household expense, even though they are unequal.

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:28

Also whilst I agree... I am being a doormat in this situation. I am not completely silly, I do have emergency money if things were to go tits up because I am aware we are not married. Obviously the emergency money I don't want to touch on a day to day basis!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 02/12/2022 15:30

liarliarshortsonfire · 02/12/2022 11:26

I'd be telling him that you're going back to work full time as you can't afford part time and he's going to have to pay his % of childcare and 50% of all childcare, housework etc

I know this has already been quoted, but omg, yes, this. Being married isn't really important in the OP's case, as the house is jointly owned so she is at least protected that way.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/12/2022 15:31

I'm glad you ring fenced your assets and not surprised to read you paid the largest deposit
The more you post, the more I feel he's taking advantage of you
He's not a good Dad as he doesn't see the need to prioritise you or your DC's needs
Please have a serious conversation and watch his actions not just his words
Think about buying a house, as you need to cover yourself and your DC's needs

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:35

Also to add I am a landlady and do own a flat and have an income from this also. I feel like everybody on here thinks I am a ridiculously stupid young girl. (I can see why - I am stupid to let somebody walk all over me, I clearly have issues with this) Whilst I am not in a great position with my 'own' day to day money. I have made sure that I have money tied up in other places should I ever need to support myself and my son on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:37

I would be able to support me and my son. What I wanted to know is if I was being unreasonable or not ... as when you're with somebody that likes control like that, they can sometimes make you feel like you're off your rocker and you get a warped view of what should or shouldn't be happening in a relationship. Many of you appear lucky enough to have not had to experience this

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 15:38

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:35

Also to add I am a landlady and do own a flat and have an income from this also. I feel like everybody on here thinks I am a ridiculously stupid young girl. (I can see why - I am stupid to let somebody walk all over me, I clearly have issues with this) Whilst I am not in a great position with my 'own' day to day money. I have made sure that I have money tied up in other places should I ever need to support myself and my son on my own.

That's a bit of a drip feed you've got going on...

The passive income from rent in addition to your part time job might explain why he reacted a little weirdly about you being broke... it's relevant info.

astarsheis · 02/12/2022 15:39

I've never quite understood this...who has to borrow money from their husband?!
Surely it should be 'whats mine is yours and what's yours is mine'?
DH and I have worked by this motto for nearly 40 years. We put each other through university and sometimes I earned more than him and he earned more than me. We have always been a partnership in parenting, everyday life and finances.
We had a joint account before we were married and living with each other.

Think you need to sit that man down and have a serious discussion.

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:40

@LaLuz7 the rent money goes into our joint account

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 15:44

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:40

@LaLuz7 the rent money goes into our joint account

Does everything in the joint account get spent each month?

You put in all the rent money plus part of your salary. He puts in considerably more than you.

That sounds like quite a lot of money to be spent when baby is little and your childcare cost is (almost?) nothing. Unless you both earn very little.

I feel like a piece of the puzzle is missing

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:47

@LaLuz7 No not everything in the joint account gets spent each month. The problem is that I don't feel that I can just use it freely. I feel like I have to justify everything I spend from it. I've told him that I think this is controlling behaviour. He says that I can't be trusted with money (as I said previously there is no reason to think this as I've never had any debts etc)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:48

@LaLuz7 also the problem is that I am also probably putting too much into the joint account - therefore leaving my 'personal' funds short

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:48

I hope that is clearer. It's really hard to explain everything via posts!

OP posts:
anythinginapinch · 02/12/2022 15:52

I'm not lucky never to have been in that situation with a man, OP. I bloody thought carefully about the man I had DCs with before I had them. Like you, we didn't met married, but COAB I was aware of just how important it was that we would work as a team and that I wasn't risking so much for an crap bloke

853ax · 02/12/2022 16:01

Get the presents out of joint account money as they from 'your family'.
Put your flat rental income into your own account like your both do with main income.
Have plan together for what savings get spent on.
How are holidays paid for?