Asked to borrow some money from DP over Xmas period

[Ajaal]

Hi, me and DP have been together for 8 years. We have a 1 year old child and I work part time and care for our child, him full time.
We both pay into the joint account, him obviously more than me but I contribute what I can. After paying the joint account, my phone bill, my car tax monthly payments I am currently only left with about £150 per month to live on which has to pay for my fuel and daily living expenses. This month I have nearly run out because of Christmas and buying people presents. I asked him if I would be able to borrow some money and then pay it back to him after pay day, so that I would be able to go out to my works Christmas dinner. He had a less that happy reaction to me asking for some money.
Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think I am living a life of some sort of luxury ..... which couldn't be further from truth

To answer your OP, if he has 400 a month left over and you have 150, totalling 550, you should each have 275 a month to spend and save.

Go back up to full time and the nursery fees come out of the joint account

Absolutely...and I had worked in a law firm so knew how to handle things when I left him.

As you quite rightly say it does put you in a much stronger position...I'd have been absolutely screwed otherwise. I refused to move in with him before we got married and thank God I did.

@isthewashingdryyet Glad you posted too. I feel like I’m in an alternate reality when I read posts like this. It’s astonishing.

What happened to the concept of shared family money?? Childcare is hard going. The DH/DP/OH needs to value that input.

OP - go back to work, give half the childcare bill to your partner. Do not have more children with him.

@Ajaal
Yes I do all the cooking, housework, child care etc

WHY? Why would you do that.

you accept loss of earning by working part time for you shared child. HIS child.

you accept a loss of pension by working part time

you accept a loss of career development by working part time

all this this should be compensated by him financially, before even addressing the unfair split of cooking, house work and child care.

and when he says you are bad with money, he is 100% correct. he would know as he is exploiting your unpaid labour, your willingness to lose earning and pension.

I think this is the third post in two days like this.

Before we had dc we did what you do now, as soon as we had dc and I was on maternity leave we just pooled everything and both have access to it all. We communicate each month if one of us wants to buy something 'big' then just carry on with the rest (and a spreadsheet!)

Please try and correct this - you are equals and I'm assuming you going part time was a joint decision?

So, unless you jointly own your own home you realise you have no rights or security, yes?

And I bet those savings aren't in a joint account...

How much does he pay you for childcare? Or does he get this for free?

So? What do you think you need to do to rectify the imbalance?

There seems to be an entire generation of these selfish men who find some sap to use and feather their own nest.

THIS 👆100% this.
This IS a common topic here.
I am suck to the back teeth of hearing women contributing a whole child, free child care, free household labour, while they sacrifice their career and earning potential, only to be given a a few quid as pocket money to do shop for the whole house.

Don’t allow yourself to be treated like this.

Sick*

I’m not 100 percent convinced you don’t want to get married op, and it’s not he doesn’t want to marry you.

you’re not alone in choosing a life like this, it’s not a partnership and I guess it won’t last, so it’s best to try to get yourself sorted before he’s off with someone else.

Are these saving sin both your names?

The problem is is that there are a lot of shite men about. They might appear to be roughly ok but deep down they are a bit selfish and lazy. Then combine that with the very natural extremely strong desire that women have to have babies and natures time limit on when women are fertile and the result is that women keep having babies in far less than ideal circumstances.

Women need to put their future children before their desire to have babies. They need to not get pregnant unless they have found a decent non lazy non selfish man. (Or women partner or chose to have a baby alone! Both obviously very valid options)

I wonder if it was the OP who wanted the baby and I wonder if there is a health reason that means she can't work full time.

As youve prbably worked out hes conning you-its not your savings its his you would have no claim on it whatsoever

what happend when you work do you have to pay for childcare-youre very vulnerable right now

Just to add dh and i have had a joint account since before we were married-he doesnt care what i spend and viece versa (as long as we're sensible)

having children costs women for their entire lifetime, not just for the maternity leave. this is true even if the woman is the higher earner, her earnings still reduce relative to their potential. There are different ways for a couple to compensate for that fact, but it has to be done. The easiest is getting married and pooling money. If you don’t want to handle it that way, fine, figure out something else, but don’t let the man continue to earn at your expense.

this new attitude toward a division is not equality and it certainly isn’t feminist.

This is becoming the norm and it is sickening. In your shoes I'd go back to work full time, share cosy of childcare, pay into your pension and do half nursery drop offs and pick ups. He is financially abusing you if he has £400 pcm left to spend and you only get £150. I'd go back to him and tell him it is not fair and making you feel under pressure. Don't have another child with him. I hope savings is in joint names.

100% this

Another one here who can't understand marriage with separate finances. Here all money is household money, DH earns more as works ft and me pt since having kids. I keep some of my money from my business separate to pay for stuff that needs cash especially kids stuff, and ocassionally put some aside as savings for a surprise for him. Mostly because he runs hus accounts in a very different way to me. But I could never imagine borrowing money from him and needing to pay it back. Our money is our money.

If you won't square up to him for yourself, do it for your child. If he left you, you'd have no savings, no job, no pension, would lose house and be left to bring up child on your own. What kind of life would your child have? You have got to square up to him and tell him marry you, get a Civil Partnership or you are going to go back to work and child can go to nursery, as you can't afford to live on part time pay. See what he says.

My thoughts exactly! I just don’t understand why both people in a relationship do not have a joint bank account for all their income and together make decisions about what to spend surplus money on.

@Joyfuljolly the op asks whether the is being unreasonable asking to borrow money. @littlemousebigcheese post is an example to the OP of a normal healthy dynamic which highlights there shouldn't be a need to borrow off a partner because all money should be joint. I saw it as a post aimed to give the OP pause for thought because really her partner shouldn't be putting her in this position in the first place.

OP, I echo what others have said. If something were to happen, unless your name is on that savings account, you won't see anything. The value of you going part time, undertaking the childcare, cooking, cleaning has value even if you're not being paid for it!

Yes. Because years ago, women used to insist on marriage first. Now that they don't, men can get away with it.