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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to borrow some money from DP over Xmas period

281 replies

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 10:52

Hi, me and DP have been together for 8 years. We have a 1 year old child and I work part time and care for our child, him full time.
We both pay into the joint account, him obviously more than me but I contribute what I can. After paying the joint account, my phone bill, my car tax monthly payments I am currently only left with about £150 per month to live on which has to pay for my fuel and daily living expenses. This month I have nearly run out because of Christmas and buying people presents. I asked him if I would be able to borrow some money and then pay it back to him after pay day, so that I would be able to go out to my works Christmas dinner. He had a less that happy reaction to me asking for some money.
Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think I am living a life of some sort of luxury ..... which couldn't be further from truth

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 02/12/2022 16:03

dont put all the rentinto the joint account then keep some for yourself for whatever you need

FT123456 · 02/12/2022 16:06

Your a partnership... YANBU!

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 16:14

853ax · 02/12/2022 16:01

Get the presents out of joint account money as they from 'your family'.
Put your flat rental income into your own account like your both do with main income.
Have plan together for what savings get spent on.
How are holidays paid for?

Yes I am going to suggest this!

OP posts:
iloveorange · 02/12/2022 16:42

I never 'wanted' to get married - I wanted a stable long term relationship. However, I also wanted security in the event either of us had to quit work for whatever reason - that's what marriage is for. It links two people up so that they have a legal responsability towards one another. A legal responsability means that if one fails to comply, the other can pursue legal action. It's a freaking contract.

Weddings are a totally different think - a wedding is a party.

You might not want to celebrate your marriage, same way you wouldn't necessarily celebrate a divorce or signing a will, but you still do those things because they protect you and what you own.

I think this whole 'I don't want to get married because I am an independent woman' is fantastic if you are indeed a financially independent woman who plans on continuing to be financially independent. If that's not the case, the most feminist thing you can do is to get married.

lamaze1 · 02/12/2022 17:19

OP yabu but only because you shouldn't have to ask in the first place.

As an outsider looking in and based upon what you've said. The whole you can't be trusted allegation is bizarre. You're clearly not completely naive as you rightly protected your deposit, have a second property etc. it really comes across as him being financially controlling.

You absolutely need to get this sorted with equal access to money asap. If he isn't prepared to agree to this, go full time with him paying 50% childcare, cleaner etc and pending you finding a full time role factor in what his 50% of childcare /cleaner would be and work it into the calculations so that anything he thinks you owe is offset by that work you're currently contributing is acknowledged.

Also I'd immediately have the rent for your other property paid to your own personal account. He can't have it both ways.

Naunet · 02/12/2022 17:27

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:47

@LaLuz7 No not everything in the joint account gets spent each month. The problem is that I don't feel that I can just use it freely. I feel like I have to justify everything I spend from it. I've told him that I think this is controlling behaviour. He says that I can't be trusted with money (as I said previously there is no reason to think this as I've never had any debts etc)

Use that money, you’re entitled to it too, and if he dares start with the can’t be trusted shit, tell him if he thinks you’re that irresponsible he shouldn’t have had a child with you or purchased a house with you.

emilydickinsonscat · 02/12/2022 17:30

Your rent money goes into a joint account - you can't afford to celebrate Christmas - he gets £400 to save every month.

Honestly wake up, have the difficult conversations and woman up!

magma32 · 02/12/2022 17:37

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 16:14

Yes I am going to suggest this!

Show quote history

No don’t suggest it, do it

this Is money you have earned without any help from him, unlike his earnings which you are enabling him to earn via free child care and all the other crap you’re doing so he doesn’t need to.

you need to stop asking permission/making suggestions and just do it. You know if you be passive he’ll just talk you out of it by telling you you’re being stupid etc.

The reason you’re feeling like a doormat is because you’ve given him so much power and he’s taken it and tells you things like you can’t deal with money.
Of course that is bs but I really think he’s feeling threatened by you so he’s putting you down enough so you believe it and allow him that control.

Maggie178 · 02/12/2022 17:40

You're not being unreasonable. I think him having more spare cash than you every month is unreasonable. For me it caused alot of resentment when I felt my partner had alot more money than me each month even though I was earning more and paying more. Now we have a joint pot to pay all our bills, joint expenses and savings. We both have equal spending money each month. I save some of mine he fritters his away. But at least I feel it's equal.

LeavesOnTrees · 02/12/2022 17:46

You are in a much better financial position than you initially indicated.
I agree with PP, just take the money you need, don't borrow anything.
Tell him he has to like it or lump it.

RobinRobinMouse · 02/12/2022 17:51

Married or otherwise you need to decide if you are a family unit, if you are then everyone needs to be equal within that, none of this my and his business.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 02/12/2022 17:59

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 15:47

@LaLuz7 No not everything in the joint account gets spent each month. The problem is that I don't feel that I can just use it freely. I feel like I have to justify everything I spend from it. I've told him that I think this is controlling behaviour. He says that I can't be trusted with money (as I said previously there is no reason to think this as I've never had any debts etc)

If I were you I would want him to explain really clearly precisely why he thinks you are bad with money when you put more of the deposit into the house and you own another property.

also I think you said your fuel comes from your personal account? but how much of that fuel is used transporting your joint child, or doing the household shopping etc? I always view fuel as a joint account expense

uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/12/2022 18:23

Can you open your own account for the rental money then transfer an amount to the joint account otherwise he's benefitting once again

uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/12/2022 18:24

He's controlling you, by saying you're bad with money.

MyrrAgain · 02/12/2022 19:00

Total drip feed
Take the rent money from your own property and use that as your own income. Why is it "joint" if you're not "allowed" to use it?

Nevermind31 · 02/12/2022 20:06

Ask him…
why do you think I am bad with money?
why does my rent money go into joint, as if it is both our income, yet your money doesn’t?
why am I paying for everyone’s Christmas presents if these are from all of us?
why is it ok for you to have so much left over, and nothing for me?

don’t fall for that line that you are bad with money.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/12/2022 20:11

You need 6 months rent money put aside for any issues/expenses that may crop up. I.e. maintenance fees, emergencies, tenants doing a moonlight flit etc.

STOP putting thar income into the joint account & put it into your own savings account.

Stop giving him financial power over you. Take a stand and take it back.

Ohhmydays · 03/12/2022 09:10

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:06

Just to add we are not married because neither of us has the desire to be married. Marriage isn't for everyone - I know it's the norm, but I've never desired a marriage or a wedding from ever since I was younger

@Ajaal this is the same for me. I don’t see the big deal with marriage but I don’t need to ‘borrow’ money. If I’m skint I just say to my partner can you give me x amount of money but even then that’s not often. He usually asks half way through the week, how much money have you got, and if I haven’t got much he will transfer me

TheOrigRights · 03/12/2022 09:18

@Ohhmydays why do you have to ask for money? Why can't you access it yourself. It sounds like a child asking their dad.

whynotwhatknot · 03/12/2022 10:43

stop asking just do it its yur money

Joyfuljolly · 03/12/2022 11:18

whynotwhatknot · 03/12/2022 10:43

stop asking just do it its yur money

Don’t be ridiculous it’s not her money. Even if they were married it wouldn’t legally be her money,.

whynotwhatknot · 03/12/2022 11:30

Joyfuljolly · 03/12/2022 11:18

Don’t be ridiculous it’s not her money. Even if they were married it wouldn’t legally be her money,.

Show quote history

im talking bout her rental income

Kennykenkencat · 03/12/2022 11:47

Do not put anything into the joint account. Open your own account then put in your pro rata share of bills. Food shopping etc. Keep your money separate
Especially when he says you are bad with money yet didn’t have his share of the deposit so he is living in a better house than he could afford if he had been with someone who only had enough to match his deposit. You own a rental property which again is propping him up. And yet he is the one to say you are bad with money.

Ever asked him why he says that.

I would suggest he is softening you up. If he says you are bad with money that one day you will believe him and then give him control over your financial decisions.

deeperthanallroses · 03/12/2022 13:56

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 16:14

Yes I am going to suggest this!

Show quote history

What do you mean by suggest this? You aren’t a very junior underling to tentatively say what if we did this… and he says I don’t think so and you say ok and creep back under a skint rock.
You can however say our financial split isn’t working for me. Im not bad with money, im very careful with money because I have much less than you. I know you love me and baby (probably not true but a good way to say it) but you don’t seem to have paid any attention to the fact that you can earn more because I work part time to look after our child. I don’t see you volunteering childcare hours. From now on, some things will change. We are a family and I will buy presents from the joint account from our family. My rental income will go into my personal account just like your salary goes into yours, and with a fairer split of money between us I won’t have to ask you for any extra. Whcih is demeaning, and I’m done with being demeaned in my relationship.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 03/12/2022 16:30

What a drip feed.

You have an income and you voluntarily pay it all into the joint account that you feel like you can't take money back out of.

Don't be so daft, I have zero sympathy. Stop being a martyr.