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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH WFHis not working

262 replies

Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:03

DH goes into his office 845 for his meeting. 2 yo ds cries as daddy has gone.

DH comes out of his office at 9 for breakfast.ds delighted.

DH goes back to his office at 930. Ds cries.

and out 945 for a poo

and back at 10

all.day.long.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2022 09:07

This is the sort of thing I think of when people rave about WFH.
I assume that it’s not an option to work anywhere else?
The fifteen minute poo in work time is a nice perk!

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:10

It’s quite rare for the spouse or partner of the WFHer to rave about it @Sparklingbrook Grin

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 02/12/2022 09:12

Daddy should have be

DisplayPurposesOnly · 02/12/2022 09:12

...breakfast before work!

luxxlisbon · 02/12/2022 09:12

How long has he been working from home and how many days?
I see people complain about this on mumsnet but the assumption seems to be that the home is only for the wife and the husband doesn’t belong there which I don’t agree with.
You both need to learn to compromise together.
Where is he working in the house? Why does your child see when DH goes to the bathroom?
I think if DC us getting wound up it’s reasonable to say your husband needs limit his quick breaks to only 1 or 2 a day. So not limiting the toilet but he’s only allowed into the kitchen to make a drink less often so DC doesn’t get affected.

parietal · 02/12/2022 09:13

are you & DS at home all day? can you take DS out? as much as possible. build yourself a schedule of Monday - library / Tuesday - toddler group / Wednesday - park / etc.

when DH comes out of his office, does he stop to chat to you & DS or not? Maybe he should learn NOT to stop and chat in work time (only lunch time) and not engage DS so that DS is not miserable when DH goes again.

theemmadilemma · 02/12/2022 09:13

I can imagine how frustrating it is from your side.

I can also imagine how useful it will be for you at various points for him to have that flexibility.

You can't ask him to just stay in his office. People need to get up and move around, they do it in an office, and they need to do it at home.

Seems like it's a shitty phase you are going to have to work through.

luxxlisbon · 02/12/2022 09:14

Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:10

It’s quite rare for the spouse or partner of the WFHer to rave about it @Sparklingbrook Grin

I dunno if I necessarily agree with this in the real world. It’s so much easier when DH works from home and can do the morning with DD or nursery pick up. Everyone I know is thankful for the positive work life balance WFH brings.
In your case you are both trying to have sole ownership over the space and that is where the conflict is coming from.

KILM · 02/12/2022 09:15

Hate to say it but i feel like all of the benefits your DH gets from WFH (especially the leisurely poo which made me LOL 😁 ) outweighs your son struggling with the transitions, so IS the question here really 'how to get my son used to the fact his dad is at home but he cant see him?'

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:15

I do take ds out, but as much as you shouldn’t really be at home all day it’s also quite hard to be out all day.

the home isn’t only for the wife, if dh was here and not working it wouldn’t be a problem. It’s the here-but-not-here aspect of wfh I struggle with.

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 02/12/2022 09:16

You need to distract your DS. How come he is so aware of DHs every move?

KILM · 02/12/2022 09:17

Sorry didnt mean for that weird IS to be in caps!!
Could you try and take DS out first thing in the morning to get through some of it at least?

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:18

We are going out in about three quarters of an hour, but I do feel a bit sad that the answer here is for us not to be at home at all (in December) because our home is now an office.

Its how it is, but it is sad. It’s not me wanting the space to myself, if dh wasn’t working and was here I’d be delighted as less work for me 😂

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2022 09:20

Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:10

It’s quite rare for the spouse or partner of the WFHer to rave about it @Sparklingbrook Grin

I don’t think it would have worked for us with a 2 year old. 😩
It’s great that he has an office though I guess some people WFH at the kitchen table etc visible the whole time?
What does your DH think? Could he have an earlier breakfast or have it in his office?
At least you know when the leisurely poo will be so you can distract the 2 year old then.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2022 09:22

He’ll have to organise himself a bit so he isn’t constantly in and out. Have breakfast and a poo before he starts etc.

NoSquirrels · 02/12/2022 09:23

DH needs to eat breakfast at 7.45 with DS. Then he’d need a poo at 8.30, meeting at 8.45 and then he could crack on with work until 10am, when you’re going out and he gets to have a coffee break.

Does your DH realise it’s an issue he can work with you on solving by agreeing a schedule?

Managinggenzoclock · 02/12/2022 09:23

A good while ago when my kids were tiny Oh worked from home. He had to check the coast was clear before going to the loo and put a kettle in his office to avoid coming out! It’s tricky but it’s short lived. Once they are school age they understand and my DH loves to schedule a 5 min break when they arrive home from school and give them a hug. The perks definitely come later!

luxxlisbon · 02/12/2022 09:24

@Grumblegrumblegroan but I do feel a bit sad that the answer here is for us not to be at home at all (in December) because our home is now an office.

I don’t think anyone has said that though so you’re being a big dramatic about that one.
You need to work out what specific things bother you so much when your DH works from home and address those?
Do you work or are you a SAHM?
Where does your husband sit when he’s working?
How is your space set up?
Can your husband not stay away from your DC until set times in the day if DC finds the transition hard? Surely your DH is a reasonable human who can see when DC gets worked up?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2022 09:28

I do feel a bit sad that the answer here is for us not to be at home at all (in December) because our home is now an office.

Literally no one has said this. How dramatic.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2022 09:28

Answer definitely isn’t for you to be out more than you would otherwise want to be - it’s primarily a home not an office

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:28

Luxx, quit with the dramatic comments. It’s just a way of trying to put people down.

I am obviously not going to insist or demand that DH goes back to this office, I’m putting up with it, but I am surely allowed to have a bit of an anonymous moan about it. It is difficult with a toddler, but most suggestions have been quite focused around the fact we should be out.

And no matter what the other benefits of wfh may be the fact is that the Solution if you like to be out so we aren’t disturbed and it does make me sad. I’m allowed that feeling without being accused of dramatics, which given I’m sitting quietly on a sofa with mr tumble I. The background is really not accurate.

OP posts:
VisitingThem · 02/12/2022 09:29

My partners always worked from home and it was really difficult when our son was that age as he did want his Dad a lot. My partner used to pace around the house on the phone and had to stop doing that.

Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2022 09:30

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2022 09:28

I do feel a bit sad that the answer here is for us not to be at home at all (in December) because our home is now an office.

Literally no one has said this. How dramatic.

Someone suggested getting out as much as possible

Hugasauras · 02/12/2022 09:30

DH has WFH from way before Covid and we've never really had this issue with DD tbh. And he's popping in and out of his office all day! Maybe she just grew up being used to it. Has he been WFH for long?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/12/2022 09:30

It seems this world is split into people who enjoy working from home, and their other half who wishes they were at work.

Unless you have space for an office it’s not easy.

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