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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH WFHis not working

262 replies

Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:03

DH goes into his office 845 for his meeting. 2 yo ds cries as daddy has gone.

DH comes out of his office at 9 for breakfast.ds delighted.

DH goes back to his office at 930. Ds cries.

and out 945 for a poo

and back at 10

all.day.long.

OP posts:
FuckabethFuckor · 02/12/2022 09:31

‘Women! Help schedule your menfolk’s poos!’

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:31

Since covid so ds is used to it, but like a lot of toddlers he goes through stages. He’s not bothered about being dropped off at nursery now but a couple of months ago used to cry. This morning he got hysterical when I went in the shower, next week he’ll be fine.

Or maybe he is dramatic like his mum Wink

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 02/12/2022 09:32

Is he in a separate office? Different level of house?

DameHelena · 02/12/2022 09:32

How is the house laid out ie how/why does DS see all DH's comings and goings? Is it possible to shut them off a bit more – is there a door DH could close in between his office and the part(s) of the house you and DS tend to be in? Can one party be upstairs and the other downstairs? etc.

Hugasauras · 02/12/2022 09:33

Ah just sounds like an annoying phase then I guess! Hopefully it passes soon. I find having DH WFH really useful (especially as I have a 3yo and baby, so an extra pair of hands at points can be useful!) so once you get over the hump, hopefully it'll be a good thing!

InBlue · 02/12/2022 09:33

I think the set up of your home sounds weird. Why can DS see when your husband goes to the toilet?

I WFH but I work upstairs so my kids (downstairs) don’t see me move about. I can also go into the kitchen without seeing them. Even when we lived in a small flat this was possible - we closed the living room door.

Not fair on your husband to make this a husband issue I don’t think.

Is your house completely open plan? Toilet/kitchen all coming off the living room?

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:34

The house must be weird, obviously goes with my dramatic personality

seriously

there are some ridiculously critical comments on here sometimes but someone being told their house is weird?

OP posts:
Unwellchild325 · 02/12/2022 09:35

This sounds like you need to manage your DC better. It has to be confusing for the 2 year old and it will take a bit of work for them to understand but they will get it eventually.

Getting up every 45 minutes is actually a pretty healthy work pattern, if he's fairly consistent with this perhaps shut the door to the room you're in with DC so they can't see your DH milling around so much

SilverCatStripes · 02/12/2022 09:35

YABU and also YANBU !

WFH arrangements needs the family to be a team in order for it to work.

You can’t expect your DH to stay shut up in his office all day.

BUT he also needs to think about how his day impacts you and DS, so for example he
could organise his schedule so his break times are consistent to enable him to have some time with DS.

You could take DS out for an early walk or playgroup etc if the start of the working day is a particular pinch point ?

Cherry8809 · 02/12/2022 09:36

Just shackle him to his office chair and let him out whenever you deem acceptable.

That’ll do it.

Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2022 09:36

Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:34

The house must be weird, obviously goes with my dramatic personality

seriously

there are some ridiculously critical comments on here sometimes but someone being told their house is weird?

Don’t be explaining the layout of your house. It’s perfectly possible to imagine why your DC would see and hear your DH moving about to the kitchen for half an hour and the loo.
The layout of other people’s is irrelevant.

Apollonia1 · 02/12/2022 09:37

I work from home, with 2.5-year-old twins looked after by their nanny.

It works really well, since I'm not in-and-out disturbing them.

I start about 8:45 and work till midday. Then I take a break to give the twins lunch (and give the nanny a break). When the twins go up for nap, I nip down quickly to make a sandwich for my lunch. Then I don't see them until I finish work. Occasionally in the afternoon, I'll pop down for some water/a quick play if I've time between meetings. They know I've to go back upstairs for meetings, and don't get upset.

I'm very aware that the nanny likely doesn't want me wandering in and out and disturbing the children.

Could your husband work somewhere further away from your son - so that your son would not notice when your husband goes to the loo?

BringbackSpringsteen · 02/12/2022 09:37

We have both successfully worked from home while the other was looking after kids this age..

I think how/where you're working makes a huge difference - upstairs for working, downstairs for playing

Minimising coming and going - I take a thermos and jug of milk up with me so that I can make tea without coming downstairs

Texting to let the other know when you're going out so that they can pop down to sort lunch etc

Being quite strict about boundaries - the kids are not allowed in the office at all

We have always defaulted to getting out for a good chunk of each day with the kids so that was a given

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:39

The thing is @Apollonia1 dh would probably say it works really well too!

because it does. For him 😂

sometimes the person wfh and the other people in the house can have a different perception on what works well.

OP posts:
Merrow · 02/12/2022 09:41

We've got our WFH strategy down, but it does require conscious effort to stay the hell out of the way (unless called for). Both work upstairs. Head upstairs armed with coffee, coffee in a thermos, water and then do not reappear. Person with the child stays downstairs unless absolutely necessary. Obviously only works as we have a toilet on each floor!

Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2022 09:41

I think how/where you're working makes a huge difference - upstairs for working, downstairs for playing

Thats a nice ideal but I don’t think possible for everyone.
If the office is downstairs etc

PearlclutchersInc · 02/12/2022 09:42

It's small consolation but these types are the same in the office. The only difference is no crying child (just the adults)

AlmostSummer21 · 02/12/2022 09:42

It's a nightmare, you have my sympathy.

you & DH need 'A plan'

Firstly he does the easy & obvious things

  • works in the least disruptive room (preferably near a toilet)
  • eats his breakfast earlier (or takes it into his work space when he goes in for his meeting)
  • has drink making facilities in his work space
  • appreciates how disruptive it is for DS & you.
  • Texts if he needs to come into and area with you & DS, so you can close a door/go into another room etc.
He needs to work with you or get his arse out of the house. He doesn't get to shrug his shoulders and leave you to manage DS's emotions/behaviour.

mor do you need to feel compelled to leave your HOME.

Apollonia1 · 02/12/2022 09:43

Does your DH think it works well, when he knows he is disturbing your son multiple times a day and making him cry?

I think you need to discuss it with your DH, to align on perceptions.

Tohaveandtohold · 02/12/2022 09:44

There should be a space for an office that won’t interfere with family life. Myself and DH do hybrid working (one day in the office) and we’re certainly not in each others legs. We take lunch break at the same time and that’s it.
During Covid when the children were home, DD2 was just 2 at the time and we had the stair gates, etc so that when DH is in a meeting, she can’t just run upstairs so he’s free to roam around upstairs and use the toilet ofcourse without the 2 year old knowing his every move and myself and the children had downstairs to ourselves

QuestionsFromThePublic · 02/12/2022 09:44

Sounds like your DH is homing from work, that is a lot of breaks.

I WFH 100%. It is disruptive for the family so we are in a routine that suits everybody. It works both ways. Teacher DP and DC will be off for a few weeks soon. I'll be the only one up early and busy all day.

We both worked out of the home when DC were little. I think this kind of HfW presence would irk me Your DP needs to be more aware of how he is impacting on DS.

Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2022 09:44

It seems unusual to have a half an hour breakfast at 9am wherever you work.
Is it not possible for you all to have breakfast together before he has his 8.45 meeting?

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:44

The other problem with the upstairs / downstairs thing is it assumes you only stay in one area. When ds was a baby his crib was upstairs and I used to like to try to lie down for a bit when he napped.

he has recently dropped his nap it would appear (sob) although he still naps at nursery but until a couple of weeks ago he was sleeping upstairs. So blocking off one ‘floor’ only works if you have several floors. And impossible if you live in a bungalow or flat.

OP posts:
InBlue · 02/12/2022 09:44

@Grumblegrumblegroan Are you being purposely obstructive? You’ve come on looking for help. People are trying to help.

It’s very unusual to see people going to the toilet from your living space.

The only way I can picture it is an old Victorian house with only a downstairs toilet (off back of kitchen). In which case I was going to suggest DH working at the kitchen table, so he doesn’t have to keep walking past your son.

Oh sorry, that’s a constructive comment. What I MEANT was: how annoying hun, time for him to go back to the office.

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:45

I think his normal routine is to have his meeting and then breakfast sparkling.

it only really affects me on Fridays, so seems a bit churlish to ask him not to.

OP posts: