DH WFHis not working

[Grumblegrumblegroan]

DH goes into his office 845 for his meeting. 2 yo ds cries as daddy has gone.

DH comes out of his office at 9 for breakfast.ds delighted.

DH goes back to his office at 930. Ds cries.

and out 945 for a poo

and back at 10

all.day.long.

Oh I get it. I love a good moan!

DH talks so loudly, and if the other person isn't listening he just talks louder. Drives me nuts, there's even a running joke with my team about it because they've heard it.
I also hate wearing a headset but because what I deal with can be confidential if DH is here I have to so I moan about that too 😆 (he also pops headphones on if he's not on a call so he can't accidentally overhear something he shouldn't and I return the favour because his work can be subject to pretty strict NDAs)

@Sparklingbrook
“Weird. adjective - very strange and unusual, unexpected, or not natural.”

I am sorry if you thought I was being critical
of your house - sorry, I mean the OPs house 😉

This is what sent me back to the office or to a coffee shop on days when DS and DH are at home. He could hear me on calls and would just shout MUMMY! at the door.

Would it be nice to be at home? Yes. Does it work for our family? Not if they’re staying in - it’s fine if they’re off somewhere for the day but that doesn’t always happen.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave in an ideal world yes, DH would work in the office on a Friday. It would make life easier.

But I have not insisted on this or demanded it.

Is DS alright when he knows DH is in the office but working?

Dh doesn’t really want to hear it.

Obviously that’s your problem, not the WFH per se. As loads of people have pointed out, it can work if everyone looks for the solution together.

If he’s not going to listen or adapt, and you’re not going to insist because you don’t think it’s worth it, then your only other option is that you adapt.

So, on a Friday, make sure you’re not in the kitchen or vicinity when DH does his breakfast - make that getting dressed upstairs time. Come downstairs when he’s off for his long poo and shut the living room door etc.

What’s my house got to do with it?
Nobody here WFH for a start.

@FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb i have very few sadnesses in life but missing out on that time on maternity leave is something I am still a bit sad about.

We’re actually out most of the time @girlmom21 . I just dislike feeling I have to be, tbh.

The nature of my and my husband’s jobs was so incompatible with WFH with children that during one of the later lockdowns we both got permission to into our (nearly empty) workplaces on days when the children would be at home. We prioritised the needs of the person looking after the children, and that was for the person who was working to be out of the house when the children were at home. Different jobs and families work differently. As the children get older, WFH with them around will get easier I am sure, and we can take advantage of the nice bits such as flexibility around school. Neither of us has the kind of job where you can just pop in and out for a chit chat, we need quite extended periods of privacy (for meetings) and/or focus.

I thought I explained fairly clearly. The comment about marriages not being identical is really odd. Why would you say that?

I'm saying you haven't had the experience of your partner working full time out of the home while trying to work yourself and looking after multiple small children. The fact that your 2 year old gets upset that his dad is working at home is really trivial compared to the fact that you have a second parent there to deal with emergencies, deliveries, etc.

But I see you're convinced that your situation is terribly difficult and that everyone else is wrong so I'll bow out now. Cba with the attitude and the rudeness.

Loads of us have had that experience BloodandFire, but just don’t feel the same way you do about it.

I mean, I’m living it right now and it’s still preferable to one or both of us working from home with children around, for our family

I WFH, and so does my wife, we love it. No small kids around though.

After years of commuting and craving time at home, I'm thankful that I have this opportunity.
However, that's completely different to your set up. You both need to have space that works for you, and your current set up isn't working, it's really more beneficial to your husband. There's a fine line now between home and home office and its crucial you don't feel like you've lost the home aspect in favour of the workspace. There's definitely a compromise to be had here.
Can he do his day in the office on one of your "at home " days so you only effectively are home whilst he's working for one day? It's not for you to make all the compromises and feel you need to go out, especially as you have your own job too.

Where has the OP even mentioned anything to do with the kayout of her home, in order for you to critique it?

@luxxlisbon , the issue is when the W bit of WFH changes the H part into workplace.

@Jadedbuthappy82 “The ones who love WFH are probably the ones who are not trying to care for children! 🙄”

What an assumption. I WFH and I care for my children thanks. Morning , afternoon, evening, night, and if they’re poorly/needy in the day, I care for my children. And hold down a job.

Plenty of mums do school dropoff and pickup, all getting the kids ready for school and dinner and bed, and work a full day of work from home inbetween.

Is “DH get to the office where you belong” the new “wife, get in the kitchen” then?

I don’t get the porn bit either.

Ageee re breakfast, but plan poo? LOL

And you don’t mention even once raising this with him

I think the thing is that there are plenty of people who do find having a home as an office very easy, so are trying to be helpful by making suggestions which is difficult when you've refused to give any details about how logistics are difficult or dismissed suggestions with spurious objections (eg 'staying on one level isn't possible as child used to nap upstairs but doesn't any more). Can you see why people have found that a little frustrating?

If you don't want advice, fair enough, but I think you need to make that very clear from the outset.

I've been on both sides of this, as DH and I both WFH and both have childcare days, so I've both looked after two toddlers and a baby while DH has worked and worked with two toddlers and a baby around. I haven't found any issues really, and any have been resolved by talking things through and eg avoiding leaving the office at certain times (in the old house, one person often worked from the room next to toddlers' bedroom so would not come out while they were being put down for a nap).

People who don't find it negative are just seeing if there's a way it could be better for you.

I've also looked after my kids while DH has had days in the office with a long commute so is out very early and back just before or sometimes after bedtime and I far prefer his WFH days!

Sorry if missed but what do you do when your son is at nursery?

My DH works from home, I don't I've had extensive surgery and I'm so grateful he's able to help me out with chores and DD.

I'm saying you haven't had the experience of your partner working full time out of the home while trying to work yourself and looking after multiple small children

Yes … But in fact I have.

And you seem to think that because DH wfh some days he does the nursery runs and / or the childcare. He doesn’t. That’s what confused me and promoted the comment about not all marriages being identical.

dh would probably say it works really well too

talk. To. Him. And. Find. Out

How old is your DS? Could he understand if you explain that the office is a “work room” and DH is working?