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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH WFHis not working

262 replies

Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:03

DH goes into his office 845 for his meeting. 2 yo ds cries as daddy has gone.

DH comes out of his office at 9 for breakfast.ds delighted.

DH goes back to his office at 930. Ds cries.

and out 945 for a poo

and back at 10

all.day.long.

OP posts:
openinggambit · 02/12/2022 10:04

It drives me mad my dh wfh now, and we have no kids here! There's no way we would have coped when they were toddlers.

Is there no option for him to go back to the office at least some days?

Liorae · 02/12/2022 10:04

Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 09:03

DH goes into his office 845 for his meeting. 2 yo ds cries as daddy has gone.

DH comes out of his office at 9 for breakfast.ds delighted.

DH goes back to his office at 930. Ds cries.

and out 945 for a poo

and back at 10

all.day.long.

Do you have a job?

RewildingAmbridge · 02/12/2022 10:06

How many days a week is this an issue? Just Fridays? Where does DH work in the house is there any flexibility to change this? Do you have a coffee machine etc that could be relocated to the office space?
If he's set up at the dining table every day I get the intrusion, but if it's one day a week and he's already working as out of the way as possible, your child just needs to get used to it.
DS was 18 months when COVID hit, we were both WFH and going in, nursery was closed so no childcare. It was difficult initially but you get used to it and so does the child

FriedasCarLoad · 02/12/2022 10:06

My DH has WFH since the very beginning of COVID, when my eldest was about 2. She was also upset every time he went back upstairs.

Now she (4) and my youngest (2) love that they get to see him lots. Three meals a day together and time to do things before and after work.

We sometimes still get some whinging when he goes upstairs, but never tears. And DH is also popping down frequently.

Hopefully it will work out equally well for your family with a little more time.

Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2022 10:07

Glamperr · 02/12/2022 10:03

I hope DH isn’t announcing his poos to the household 😂I am struggling to picture this too

Show quote history

It’s entirely possible the 2 year old can hear his Dad coming out of his office, perhaps doesn’t have to actually see him to be aware of him?

BiasedBinding · 02/12/2022 10:07

Why does it matter if OP works?

Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2022 10:08

BiasedBinding · 02/12/2022 10:07

Why does it matter if OP works?

Thanks for asking that , I did wonder!

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 10:08

Yes, @Liorae I have a job. I work three days a week and have two days at week caring for our toddler. I assume you ask because if one is not working you believe they get no say over their shared home. I do not agree with this view.

he could go back to the office full or part time but he doesn’t @openinggambit . He generally goes in on a Tuesday. Must be when most of the people from his team are in.

OP posts:
InBlue · 02/12/2022 10:08

I’d never make personal comments about someone’s clothes or voice, no…. But saying someone’s house layout sounds weird as in unusual as in not the norm, is not the same thing at all? What’s offensive about having an unusually laid out house. Good lord. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.

girlmom21 · 02/12/2022 10:08

BiasedBinding · 02/12/2022 10:07

Why does it matter if OP works?

Because if she doesn't people can pile on and tell her she should be oh so grateful

DameHelena · 02/12/2022 10:09

I don't think you're being purposely obstructive, OP, but it would help if you could say a bit about how the house works ie where the rooms are, how you all inhabit and move around it, so we can get a sense of how DP goes in and out of his office and where he is in relation to you and DS, and think about whether there are ways it could be managed.

BiasedBinding · 02/12/2022 10:09

Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2022 10:08

Thanks for asking that , I did wonder!

Show quote history

Maybe someone is looking for the opportunity to use that nauseating “he who pays, says” phrase

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 10:09

There are some people on here who believe that if you don’t do paid work, you are entitled to no say in how the person who is working lives their life. Of course if that translated in RL it would be abuse. DH is not like this, and in any case I do work.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2022 10:10

InBlue · 02/12/2022 10:08

I’d never make personal comments about someone’s clothes or voice, no…. But saying someone’s house layout sounds weird as in unusual as in not the norm, is not the same thing at all? What’s offensive about having an unusually laid out house. Good lord. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.

So why say ‘ weird’ rather than ‘unusual’ ?

‘Good lord’ indeed.

healthadvice123 · 02/12/2022 10:10

Surely your toddler just gets used to it like they would if you had a newborn that needed to be put to sleep etc
If your dh works upstairs out of sight how does your toddler see him ?

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 10:11

@DameHelena i think that there is a view on here that someone wfh can be invisible if only you use the ‘right’rooms. In my opinion they can’t be. I once lived in an annex in my early twenties and I was still aware of the other people - they were lovely but I couldn’t sit in the garden, come and go, without them knowing.

OP posts:
BloodAndFire · 02/12/2022 10:11

Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 10:09

There are some people on here who believe that if you don’t do paid work, you are entitled to no say in how the person who is working lives their life. Of course if that translated in RL it would be abuse. DH is not like this, and in any case I do work.

Personally I asked because I was wondering where she works. We both wfh part of the week since covid and it's been hugely helpful. When my kids were tiny, my husband worked in an office ft while I wfh and it was really really tough. I had to do all of the childcare, school runs etc. during the working week. I don't think op realises how lucky she is.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 02/12/2022 10:12

I'm WFH and my 3 year old is autistic and struggles with transitions.

I take a tray with a carafe of coffee and some breakfast/snacks up with me first thing.

When I need to make a break for it I always send a text and forewarn whoever is looking after my son so they can distract him if I need to pass through the house peacefully.

My breaks are then more dedicated to spending time with my son who still struggles with transitions but we've been making saying goodbye fun and now it is much less of a struggle.

At 2 years old it's just not developmentally appropriate for them to completely understand the concept of object permanence so when your husband leaves the room your child will think he's just disappeared completely, so it's something your husband needs to work on making fun, but it will take time.

For the rest of the time he needs to find solutions to make things more convenient for you both.

It's a shared space and WFH can work well when all involved choose to communicate.

Jadedbuthappy82 · 02/12/2022 10:12

Op please ignore all the nasty negative comments making out that you're precious and that you have a problem. I've been in exactly your boat and know completely what you mean. Little ones do hear every noise or creak of floorboard when they know their dad is up there, it distract them because they then think the other adult is coming to play. They can hear movement around the house just as we would. And I too think it's sad that you are being told it's you with the problem and you should go out more. It is hard monotonous work being at home looking after small children, but it's even worse when you have someone's (ocassionally annoying and disturbing) presence without them actually being present. The ones who love WFH are probably the ones who are not trying to care for children! 🙄 I had this but was also being constantly watched and monitored, commented on and criticised but that's a whole other story. Its difficult to put the feeling into words but you're not alone and totally get it. Please ignore the others telling you you're odd, it's you, you're house is weird and that you're dramatic. They're probably the same one who think it's cool that theri partners watch too much porn etc 🙄 bore off. Ops feelings are totally valid.

Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2022 10:13

If your dh works upstairs out of sight how does your toddler see him ?

Half an hour breakfast at 9am followed by 15 minute poo?

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 10:13

I’m a bit confused by your post, @BloodAndFire .

Why do you think I am lucky? It sounds a bit like you’ve decided my marriage is identical to yours, it isn’t.

OP posts:
ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 02/12/2022 10:14

i think that there is a view on here that someone wfh can be invisible if only you use the ‘right’rooms. In my opinion they can’t be.

He doesn't need to be invisible though. Your toddler wanting something that isn't convenient isn't an issue - it's life with a toddler. You didn't give up showers when your toddler was upset at you showering. You didn't pull him out of nursery when he was upset at going. You just get on with things. So why do you want to send your husband back to the office?

Original poster
Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 10:14

Anyway, he doesn’t work upstairs, but before I have a flurry of suggestions about why he should and it would work better - it wouldn’t. Wherever he is, he is sort of here.

OP posts:
DameHelena · 02/12/2022 10:14

Grumblegrumblegroan · 02/12/2022 10:11

@DameHelena i think that there is a view on here that someone wfh can be invisible if only you use the ‘right’rooms. In my opinion they can’t be. I once lived in an annex in my early twenties and I was still aware of the other people - they were lovely but I couldn’t sit in the garden, come and go, without them knowing.

I'm not sure anyone is saying that, or that there's a watertight solution (of course people can hear and be aware of others even if they're not in certain rooms).
I'm just saying that we've no idea/image at all of how it works in your house; and without a sense of layout, rooms used etc, it's not possible even to give suggestions about managing the space and DH's work. People's responses will be different if, say, you're in a small flat with all rooms going off a central hallway than if you live in a two-storey house and there's more than one bathroom.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 02/12/2022 10:15

I get it.
I think it must hard. When I was at home with 2 smalls back in the last century, the challenge was getting through 14 hrs thar dh was out of the house.
When I had dd3, I loved every second of maternity leave. House to myself and totally my own agent..
I find it hard enough now. DH is permanently remote working and I have ended up taking a job working in an office 3 days a week, just to stop me wanting to kill him.
But the house is literally never fucking empty. Ever.