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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave dh alone with the baby all day tomorrow without telling him

179 replies

reddyt · 01/12/2022 23:21

Dh has gone to sleep in the spare room after our argument tonight, which I have told him I hate!

To top it off, this now means he gets a lovely nights sleep & I am left to do night feeds alone!!!

Im honestly thinking tomorrow i will take our other ds to school, then swan off to the shops or somewhere, leaving him with the baby & not telling him.

I am fully aware this is probably a childish response but this is just where I'm at.

Do it? Or don't do it?

OP posts:
diddl · 02/12/2022 09:37

To top it off, this now means he gets a lovely nights sleep & I am left to do night feeds alone!!!

Why couldn't you wake him up to do the feeds with you?

ScatteredMama82 · 02/12/2022 09:38

Communicate, don't escalate. Storming off in a huff and not saying anything is just childish.

SparkyBlue · 02/12/2022 09:38

No I wouldn't as you are prolonging the row and creating an atmosphere in the house for the weekend which will make everyone feel like shit. Have a chat and go out together with the baby for coffee or whatever together.

jamoncrumpets · 02/12/2022 09:40

ScatteredMama82 · 02/12/2022 09:38

Communicate, don't escalate. Storming off in a huff and not saying anything is just childish.

This. I agree the temptation would be enormous but you have to be the bigger person here. Admittedly it's too late now but maybe just tell him you're going out for a few hours to get a few bits. Perfectly reasonable thing to do.

soulinablackberrypie · 02/12/2022 09:54

As long as the baby is usually bottlefed and will be happy with that, I think it could be a useful lesson - but a lot depends on what DH is like in general. Will he see the funny/educational side or will he just turn it back on you and make things worse? Only you can really decide whether it's worth it.

beAsensible1 · 02/12/2022 09:55

You should go out every friday and leave the baby at home! that should be your self care day sans children.

Lockheart · 02/12/2022 09:58

Its very controlling and horrible behaviour to just disappear for the day and make your partner worry.

Have a conversation like adults.

EverythingsRosey · 02/12/2022 10:02

Whatifiwereareindeer · 01/12/2022 23:51

Perfectly reasonable for him to look after his own child if he’s not supposed to be at work, or have a night where you sleep in the spare room and he has the baby.

But I think it’s completely unreasonable and somewhat childish and over dramatic to just not return home for a day and not at least tell him what is going on simply over a night in the spare room. Personally I wouldn’t escalate an argument by just pulling a disappearing act - but then my husband if I pulled that stunt would probably be scared I’d been run over by a car or been taken seriously ill or something and would be calling the police. I wouldn’t do that to him just because he pissed me off and I’d be deeply unimpressed if he did it to me.

This... Yes it's okay to take time to yourself (as long as you know he can manage the baby because the babies safety is paramount) but to just not show up, I'd be in panic if it was my OH.

altmember · 02/12/2022 10:13

Yes, sure, play pass the parcel with your infant child. Lower yourself to his level. Or do some responsible adulting and tell him that you're going out for the day.

AdobeWanKenobi · 02/12/2022 10:18

ShimmeringShirts · 02/12/2022 07:26

Sorry I couldn’t dump my baby and disappear for the day. But I completely understand why you would want to, it’s not a good idea though.

Dump?
You feel a father looking after his own child is dumping?

Shamrock77 · 02/12/2022 10:22

I don't think that it's a good idea. You're best off going home after the school run and talking about the night before. Hopefully you can then clear the air and then tell him you need a couple of hours to yourself so are going to go to the shops. Just disappearing for the day won't help the situation, I feel it would cause another argument. Not to mention it's not fair on your baby or your other child. If you disappear then there will be an atmosphere when you get home and into the weekend and it's not nice for your children. Babie's sense atmospheres and if it's unsettled, then they will be unsettled which could lead to an unsettled night!
I understand your thoughts behind what you've said but it would cause another argument, your husband probably sleeping in the spare room again, you left holding the baby again and then your feelings of resentment will escalate and it will become a vicious circle. It's not worth it. Talk then tell him you're taking that time to recharge. You then get to clear the air (hopefully) and then get some time for yourself without making another situation.

midsomermurderess · 02/12/2022 10:41

I agree with others that you need to tell him you’ll not be back. Unless your marriage is on its last legs, he’ll be worked about you, if you’re ok. Who wouldn’t be? It is an escalation of your argument otherwise. Why you do that?

BiscuitLover3678 · 02/12/2022 10:43

I agree that leaving my baby with someone who might be pissed off and resentful (and might not even realise he’s looking after it) would stress me out far more. Kids pick up on this shit.

Why not just sit him down and talk to him about it?

Derbee · 02/12/2022 11:09

Depends on how capable he is, and how well the baby will be cared for. If you’re one of the many many women who have had a baby with a total arsehole, it might not be a good idea.

I wouldn’t let my baby suffer to teach DH a lesson. But if this sulk is a one off and he’s usually a normal, caring, capable adult and baby isn’t EBF, then absolutely do it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/12/2022 11:15

So... what happened in the end?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/12/2022 11:16

Depends on how capable he is

WTF? He is the Dad.

beachcitygirl · 02/12/2022 11:22

Leave a note on the fridge.

Hi dh
Hope you had a great night sleep. I'm taking kids to school & then off xmas shopping & a spot of dinner with a pal. You & baba have fun

Text you around 6/7 to let you know when I'll be home.

Then book into a cheap hotel, face mask, glossy magazine. Go to sleep (if you need it ) if not
Go have fun.

You're leaving the baby with its FATHER not the man next door but one.

Don't listen to the people guilt tripping you.

kateandme · 02/12/2022 11:36

There needs to be way more context and information to this for people to even remotely comment.

Phelicity · 02/12/2022 11:38

Why play childish games? Be an adult (& a responsible parent) and tell him in advance, and keep your phone switched on.

WetBandits · 02/12/2022 12:01

Just tell him you’re going out and leaving baby with him, you don’t just vanish without contact! If my DP just disappeared after popping out on what was meant to be a 30 min school run and then ignored me while I was trying to contact him, I’d spend the whole day petrified something had happened to him and would probably be reporting him missing by lunchtime.

Melloyellow1983 · 02/12/2022 13:23

Absolutely do this! I would message him as you’re leaving/once you’ve left to let him know you won’t be coming back. Why should he angrily be able to get out his responsibilities and you can’t?

It’s nothing to be ashamed of and you’re not playing childish games. Have no idea why some people are piling on you. I’m sorry that you’re experiencing that.

Your OH is using anger to get out of his responsibilities. That is bang out of order. You don’t have the luxury of just not caring for your child. Why do you have to be the ‘reasonable adult’ one? I mean. After you take your day, sure, definitely have the adult conversation. But I would absolutely meet his behaviour because it is the quickest way for him to realise what he has done.

Sickofcoughing · 02/12/2022 13:55

Yes everyone is coming up with solutions for the two of you to divide the workload but he wasn't interested in doing that - he just left you to it.

Feef83 · 02/12/2022 14:09

It’s nothing to be ashamed of and you’re not playing childish games.

To those of us who don’t like to actively garner tension and drama in our lives and the life’s of our children…. This is precisely a childish game.

And all it will achieve it an argument tonight, in front of the children and lingering hostile tension over the weekend for the children to be around.

Melloyellow1983 · 02/12/2022 15:27

@Feef83 what you’re dismissing as childish, drama and tension is anger. Anger is normal and needs to be expressed. People don’t know how to deal with anger and conflict because it is judged and dismissed heavily in our society.

The OP is entitled to her anger. It is normal. Arguing is normal. Trying to get someone to understand you and empathise is normal - giving them a taste of their own medicine is a strategy. Children witnessing anger and arguing is totally normal. They need to learn that it is a normal, uncomfortable emotion that you may need to be creative to work through.

I suspect that the posters judging the OP aren’t very adept at dealing with anger and conflict in their own lives.

Lockheart · 02/12/2022 15:31

Melloyellow1983 · 02/12/2022 15:27

@Feef83 what you’re dismissing as childish, drama and tension is anger. Anger is normal and needs to be expressed. People don’t know how to deal with anger and conflict because it is judged and dismissed heavily in our society.

The OP is entitled to her anger. It is normal. Arguing is normal. Trying to get someone to understand you and empathise is normal - giving them a taste of their own medicine is a strategy. Children witnessing anger and arguing is totally normal. They need to learn that it is a normal, uncomfortable emotion that you may need to be creative to work through.

I suspect that the posters judging the OP aren’t very adept at dealing with anger and conflict in their own lives.

Anger is normal.

Disappearing in order to deliberately make your partner worry is abusive and unhealthy.

If this is how you deal with anger then you are extremely poor in dealing with anger and conflict and need help to address your dysfunctional and toxic behaviour patterns.