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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave dh alone with the baby all day tomorrow without telling him

179 replies

reddyt · 01/12/2022 23:21

Dh has gone to sleep in the spare room after our argument tonight, which I have told him I hate!

To top it off, this now means he gets a lovely nights sleep & I am left to do night feeds alone!!!

Im honestly thinking tomorrow i will take our other ds to school, then swan off to the shops or somewhere, leaving him with the baby & not telling him.

I am fully aware this is probably a childish response but this is just where I'm at.

Do it? Or don't do it?

OP posts:
HarvestThyme · 02/12/2022 07:16

Both marriage and parenting require communication and a lot of good will.

You need to tell him exactly how angry you are. And exactly why. Inform him that you are going out to cool down. Feel free to take a couple of hours for that.

Then come back and talk.

Findwen · 02/12/2022 07:19

Mum sneaks out in the morning.

Dad wakes up, wants to avoid Mum after argument - so leaves for work early.

Baby alone for the day.

thelobsterquadrille · 02/12/2022 07:20

Findwen · 02/12/2022 07:19

Mum sneaks out in the morning.

Dad wakes up, wants to avoid Mum after argument - so leaves for work early.

Baby alone for the day.

Uh, I don't think she's going to just walk out and leave her child alone in the house Grin

Presima

thelobsterquadrille · 02/12/2022 07:21

Oops.

That should say "presumably she'll go into the spare room and leave the baby with her partner".

Olivetreebutter · 02/12/2022 07:21

GrinAndVomit · 02/12/2022 06:38

I agree. Don’t add more fuel to the fire. It’s fine to need a bit of space but you have to communicate or you’re just making the situation worse and further damaging the relationship.
If I didn’t come home after the school run, didn’t tell him where I was going and didn’t answer any phone calls or messages, my husband would worry and start making phone calls. I think he’d phone the school first to see if I’d dropped off our children and then progress from there, friends, family and eventually police.

Show quote history

Agreed. If I was expected home and didn't turn up and didn't answer my phone my DH would be absolutely terrified I'd been in an accident. As would I with him.

I always think in situations like this, how important is "winning" the argument to you? In regards to your relationship and general life. If the argument was about something really important, or about behaviours you felt inappropriate etc you might think that "winning" is more important than your relationship. But if it was about somebody forgetting to get dinner out the freezer, or putting the wrong bookbag in the wrong backpack, then is it really worth escalating your relationship over? Yes he took the low road of going into the spare room, but now's your chance to take the high road (think Michelle Obama). Perhaps he thinks a good night's sleep will help him be more rational, tiredness always makes your more reactive. So tomorrow you go in the spare room - "DH, I'm not scalating the argument but you having a night in the spare room has made me think the odd good night's sleep really can make a difference, so I'm going to go in tonight and then we will both be refreshed for the weekend"

If you want to go out shopping, go out shopping but for goodness sake tell him where you are going and when you hope to be back. You're not seeking his permission but being an adult about communicating with your husband.

AlfredBasedman · 02/12/2022 07:21

Who started the argument?

ShimmeringShirts · 02/12/2022 07:26

Sorry I couldn’t dump my baby and disappear for the day. But I completely understand why you would want to, it’s not a good idea though.

itsjustnotok · 02/12/2022 07:33

Not unreasonable to expect to parent his child. Unreasonable to say nothing and go. My DH does nights and is ex-military, he rarely woke for our kids. He snores through. My sleep changed massively so I would wake at a pin drop, I wouldn’t have left the house without telling him the baby was home and I was not.

ifonly4 · 02/12/2022 07:37

You sound like you've had enough, OP. Was it just last night's argument or is there more?

If there's more, and long term you're not going to be happy and may split up, then don't leave your DB with him unless you've told him. Just thinking I wouldn't want any future agreement over who has the DC to go against you if you just walk out and don't say where you're going.
.

If he's miserable this morning, then yes, tell him you're off to do some shopping. Not unreasonable this time of year with Xmas coming up. Shopping will take longer than you think though, and you'll need a sit down and coffee.

Highfivemum · 02/12/2022 07:41

No I wouldn’t as the argument will carry on longer. Sort out the riff then say you need to shop or whatever and go out. Don’t just leave that is childish and doesn’t do your argument cause any favours . Children shd never be used to punish each other

MrsToothyBitch · 02/12/2022 07:51

I couldn't do this. I'd have to make the row up first before going for some time out at the shops and then probably a good sleep! Actually I'd probably just go straight for a sleep, but I couldn't let a disagreement linger, I think it would build resentment.

MoreSleepPleasee · 02/12/2022 07:59

He's left you to parent alone tonight I am sure he can cope with his own child alone. If he can't there's something seriously wrong.

NerrSnerr · 02/12/2022 08:22

Personally I wouldn't carry an argument on and would try and sort it.

No issues with him caring for the baby but I'd tell him first and not just do a runner.

PenguinTattoo · 02/12/2022 08:34

I know it's a bit late now, but why would he get a lovely night's sleep? After the first wake up which I would do, I'd take the baby into the spare room for the next wake up and say "your turn".

Sickofcoughing · 02/12/2022 08:42

Yep I did exactly this. My DH swanned off to the spare room, locked the door and put in ear plugs when he "was finished discussing it". Fine except he was entirely in the wrong for my being upset and it was also his turn to do the night feeds - I had one weekend night off a week.

His self entitlement was breathtaking and when I think back to his smug, patronising attitude now I feel mad all over again.

The next day I got up, washed and dressed baby and waited to see what would emerge from the guest bedroom. Out he came still sporting the same obnoxious attitude (it's actually where he used to go when he was deeply in defensive mode and it has taken a lot of therapy to stop this vile dynamic reappearing) only speaking to me in brittle clipped sentences. Smug twat.

I said you seem to have everything under control here I'm going to the shop.

I caught a bus to the city and had a lovely lunch out. I went to the cinema. I messaged a friend who by a stroke of great fortune was meeting friends I knew in a wine bar and I met up with them and had delicious food and spending an extortionate amount on gorgeous wine. I left to catch a train but missed it so sat down at the bar for a drink and had a fabulous ego boost being chatted up by a handsome stranger. I grabbed a takeaway coffee and magazine and floated back on the last train having thoroughly enjoyed my nostalgic trip to single life. It was after midnight when I got home.

I had sent one message when I left and then silenced my phone. When I walked in the first words I heard were "I'm sorry."

I never did anything (never needed to) like it again but it was so so so worth it.

Feef83 · 02/12/2022 08:47

Sickofcoughing · 02/12/2022 08:42

Yep I did exactly this. My DH swanned off to the spare room, locked the door and put in ear plugs when he "was finished discussing it". Fine except he was entirely in the wrong for my being upset and it was also his turn to do the night feeds - I had one weekend night off a week.

His self entitlement was breathtaking and when I think back to his smug, patronising attitude now I feel mad all over again.

The next day I got up, washed and dressed baby and waited to see what would emerge from the guest bedroom. Out he came still sporting the same obnoxious attitude (it's actually where he used to go when he was deeply in defensive mode and it has taken a lot of therapy to stop this vile dynamic reappearing) only speaking to me in brittle clipped sentences. Smug twat.

I said you seem to have everything under control here I'm going to the shop.

I caught a bus to the city and had a lovely lunch out. I went to the cinema. I messaged a friend who by a stroke of great fortune was meeting friends I knew in a wine bar and I met up with them and had delicious food and spending an extortionate amount on gorgeous wine. I left to catch a train but missed it so sat down at the bar for a drink and had a fabulous ego boost being chatted up by a handsome stranger. I grabbed a takeaway coffee and magazine and floated back on the last train having thoroughly enjoyed my nostalgic trip to single life. It was after midnight when I got home.

I had sent one message when I left and then silenced my phone. When I walked in the first words I heard were "I'm sorry."

I never did anything (never needed to) like it again but it was so so so worth it.

How is your marriage generally?

Both would seem seething hatred on your side and an utter lack of though or care on his side

SinnerBoy · 02/12/2022 08:57

Leave him to look after his baby by all means, but let him know, even if it's after the school run.

One day, a few years ago, my wife didn't come home from work. She's usually in after lunchtime. I assumed that she was out shopping, seeing a mate or whatever. I picked our girl up from school and took her to the park, then we went home and I made dinner.

Her and her sister have a business and on Fridays, she does 5am to 11/12, comes home, sleeps and goes out for a night shift at midnight.

After 6pm, I started to phone her, with no reply. I thought that she must be having a late one, or driving. By 9pm, I rang the Police, asking if there had been an accident, involving our car, on her likely routes home; they called back later, saying it hadn't been picked up on ANPR. I kept ringing and eventually, she answered in a rage, as I'd woken her up.

She'd decided to sleep at her sister's and thought that I would have known, despite her not having done so before! She also said that she'd heard the phone calls, seen it was me and not answered, because it was annoying! She really didn't think I had any right or reason to be worried.

And no, there was no row beforehand.

Sickofcoughing · 02/12/2022 09:13

Feef83 · 02/12/2022 08:47

How is your marriage generally?

Both would seem seething hatred on your side and an utter lack of though or care on his side

Show quote history

As I'm sure is pretty clear from my post there, it was bad back then. As I said, a lot of therapy. If there was no baby I would have thrown the towel in I think.

However when we sat down and talked the next day I explained that it was him thinking he was entitled to swan off, leave me to do baby duty because he had decided the conversation was finished (basically he didn't like the conversation). I was given no choice in the matter.

If we had been able to have a reasonable conversation like that in the morning before things would have gone fine. But he came out fully intending to continue on and I'd had enough.

Sirius3030 · 02/12/2022 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This. And the next time you have an argument he will disappear with his mates for the day. And so on.

napody · 02/12/2022 09:16

I think you should- not as revenge I just bet you don't ever get chance to do that, he's off work and it's good for him to have a few hours looking after baby on a regular basis (reminds him what you do!). Enjoy.

napody · 02/12/2022 09:17

SinnerBoy · 02/12/2022 08:57

Leave him to look after his baby by all means, but let him know, even if it's after the school run.

One day, a few years ago, my wife didn't come home from work. She's usually in after lunchtime. I assumed that she was out shopping, seeing a mate or whatever. I picked our girl up from school and took her to the park, then we went home and I made dinner.

Her and her sister have a business and on Fridays, she does 5am to 11/12, comes home, sleeps and goes out for a night shift at midnight.

After 6pm, I started to phone her, with no reply. I thought that she must be having a late one, or driving. By 9pm, I rang the Police, asking if there had been an accident, involving our car, on her likely routes home; they called back later, saying it hadn't been picked up on ANPR. I kept ringing and eventually, she answered in a rage, as I'd woken her up.

She'd decided to sleep at her sister's and thought that I would have known, despite her not having done so before! She also said that she'd heard the phone calls, seen it was me and not answered, because it was annoying! She really didn't think I had any right or reason to be worried.

And no, there was no row beforehand.

Oh yes, definitely let him know! This sounds awful, you must have been beside yourself.

SinnerBoy · 02/12/2022 09:20

I was, I really thought she'd had a crash, been abducted, had some sort of breakdown - all sorts of things. I didn't help that our daughter got upset and kept asking when she'd be home and then wouldn't settle to sleep.

napody · 02/12/2022 09:21

Sirius3030 · 02/12/2022 09:15

This. And the next time you have an argument he will disappear with his mates for the day. And so on.

Show quote history

Honestly, I think it's very likely that OP is the 'default ' parent at all times (correct me if I'm wrong OP!). Very common after a baby is born. And frankly them moving to a situation where they both get time alone, rather than just DH who I should think gets it anyway, would be an improvement. Not petty at all, sometimes you need to take your chance to make that point.

ShouldIdo · 02/12/2022 09:27

AlfredBasedman · 02/12/2022 07:21

Who started the argument?

I don't think that is relevant, as others have said, yes leave the baby with him, if the OP needs time alone, but not telling him is ridiculous.

QuestionsFromThePublic · 02/12/2022 09:31

I would have taken the baby through in the night as per any regular routine.

I would tell him it is unacceptable to sign off from being a parent. Tell him you are having equal time back. Either sleep in the day or take yourself off to the spare room tonight.

DH was a sulker in the early days. His parents didn't speak for weeks if they fell out. The longer it went on the more rage I felt. Are you able to try to sort it out? You need to catch up on sleep and he needs to step up.

Could you give yourselves a night off each week and get a good night's sleep in the spare room?

The person getting an undisturbed nights sleep wakes with the baby and does the school run. You could alternate Thur and Friday? Agree a time to be showered, dressed, breakfasted and ready to take over 100%.

If your partner doesn't take on equal parental duties, you still need to set time aside for yourself. One person does not deserve more time than the other v