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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave dh alone with the baby all day tomorrow without telling him

179 replies

reddyt · 01/12/2022 23:21

Dh has gone to sleep in the spare room after our argument tonight, which I have told him I hate!

To top it off, this now means he gets a lovely nights sleep & I am left to do night feeds alone!!!

Im honestly thinking tomorrow i will take our other ds to school, then swan off to the shops or somewhere, leaving him with the baby & not telling him.

I am fully aware this is probably a childish response but this is just where I'm at.

Do it? Or don't do it?

OP posts:
Waiteflower · 02/12/2022 00:22

This reply has been deleted

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How?

She's leaving her child with her dad? Plenty of mums get left with their children - he's a parent looking after his kid. I don't see an issue personally.

Mariposista · 02/12/2022 00:27

No, as tempting as it is, playing tit for tat is childish and will only drag out the resentment. If you want the marriage to work, sit down like adults, clear the air calmly, then move on before the weekend starts.

Blueberrywitch · 02/12/2022 00:28

Although it feels like what you want to do it doesn’t feel very mature and isn’t a good way to deal with disagreements in the long run. Better to say “hey because i was left with baby on my own last night I really need a break today, id like to head off today to do Xyz please let me know if that’s an issue”

not a good precedent to start weaponising your own child in arguments

SarahDippity · 02/12/2022 00:31

I think it’s wrong to not have a conversation, even if it is a firm and conclusive one that you have x day planned, and he is in charge of y. Using the baby as a pawn for your anger is not in the family’s best interest. An angry dad, in the dark about your plans, could be seething and why would you want to leave that atmosphere festering for a day? Be calm in the morning, say you are upset, tell him when you will be back, and be unequivocal that he is having some quality one on one time to enable you to have some space. But be an adult about it.

EL8888 · 02/12/2022 00:33

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Well, quite. How dare she expect him to care for his own child. He needs to enjoy his lovely nights sleep and then his day off surely!

Back in the real world. The OP did the night so he can do the day. A day with his child will be good for them both

Hellomush · 02/12/2022 00:58

Ask him to do the school run.

WTF475878237NC · 02/12/2022 01:02

It isn't healthy behaviour to disappear. We should behave as we wish to be treated. How would you like it if he did it to you with no communication?

Christmasnero · 02/12/2022 01:06

I’d tell him,
yes you deserve time and no he shouldn’t have just left you to the night feeds
why can’t he do the school run if he’s off?

but I don’t think petty for petty is a good move for the long term health of your relationship

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 02/12/2022 01:06

softpilllow · 01/12/2022 23:46

I probably wouldn't as it's just prolonging the argument and I would want to clear things up rather then extend them.

Finally, a voice of reason!

Rosebel · 02/12/2022 01:10

It's fine to go out for the day but you need to tell him you are going. Otherwise he'll probably imagine the worst and as you will be leaving the house with older DC he'll also be worried about them.
Take older DC to school and then have a day for yourself but either tell your partner before you leave or at least text him.

HolidaysAreComin · 02/12/2022 01:14

Sounds childish. If you are on mat leave why is he sharing night feeds? I'm assuming you are as you aren't at work? He shouldn't be getting up in the night if he's working and you arent anyway.

I'd just talk to my husband rather than stomp off, your marriage won't last if this is how you communicate.

Blocked · 02/12/2022 01:14

I do this all the time Confused I wouldn't head off shopping or something if I knew he was going somewhere but if I take a fancy of going to the shops or anywhere really after dropping DC1 off to school on our mutual day off I just go for it. If he wants you to be there he can hide his voice and tell you so can't he Confused

Blocked · 02/12/2022 01:14

Use his voice!

frazzledasarock · 02/12/2022 01:16

I’d message him that you’ve got plans for the day, and he’s in charge of the baby.

book into a hotel and have a good long unbroken sleep.

stuntbubbles · 02/12/2022 02:08

HolidaysAreComin · 02/12/2022 01:14

Sounds childish. If you are on mat leave why is he sharing night feeds? I'm assuming you are as you aren't at work? He shouldn't be getting up in the night if he's working and you arent anyway.

I'd just talk to my husband rather than stomp off, your marriage won't last if this is how you communicate.

Eh, why shouldn’t they share night feeds? Looking after a baby all day can be harder work than work? Anyway he’s not working tomorrow, thus magically capable of sharing the feeds.

Can you go and wake him up, OP? Or put the baby in with him in the spare room?

Nugg · 02/12/2022 02:16

What has happened to people that want to talk and resolve issues? Yes by all means go out and have a day to yourself but why would you just want to keep this argument going by acting like a child?

PenelopeStrawberry1 · 02/12/2022 02:17

It does piss me off how men get the option to just opt out of parenting if they get in a bad mood or if they don't feel like it.

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/12/2022 02:36

@HolidaysAreComin Even if she was on maternity leave, she still needs adequate sleep to be able to look after the baby all day.

Dh needs adequate sleep for work responsibilities at his job (mind you he had the day off) and Dw needs adequate sleep for work responsibilities at home (which she didn’t have the day off but is now contemplating it).

Parenting is team work and you function better if you help each other.

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/12/2022 02:38

frazzledasarock · 02/12/2022 01:16

I’d message him that you’ve got plans for the day, and he’s in charge of the baby.

book into a hotel and have a good long unbroken sleep.

Love this. If you can afford it go for it. A good sleep would do you a world of good.😴🛌

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/12/2022 02:43

@PenelopeStrawberry1 Yeah that pisses me off too. Then when they do do some parenting they are are valued as some kind of hero. How amazing that you are such a devoted father that you take your children to the playground 🤩

ReneBumsWombats · 02/12/2022 03:47

If he doesn't work Fridays, what would he have been doing normally?

Ragwort · 02/12/2022 03:56

Do you hate him storming off after an argument or do you hate him sleeping in the spare room?

A more mature response would be to agree who does night feeds (shared) and sleep in separate rooms so you both get the opportunity of a good night's sleep. Then discuss, calmly, that you will be taking some time out for yourself today. Don't be petty and just leave without informing him.

marcopront · 02/12/2022 03:58

XanaduKira · 01/12/2022 23:33

Absolutely - he's the dad, he can look after his child. Enjoy your day.

Did you miss the part about not telling him?

If you don't tell him

  1. he doesn't know so it doesn't make the same point
  2. he may not look after the baby
Milkandhoneybees · 02/12/2022 04:18

If your DH is very upset whilst looking after him and the baby because he has no idea where you are then that isn’t good for either him or the baby.

Don’t escalate the argument into something much bigger and longer lasting, but if you need time out the house then you are entitled to do that - just communicate it.

Milkandhoneybees · 02/12/2022 04:20

Milkandhoneybees · 02/12/2022 04:18

If your DH is very upset whilst looking after him and the baby because he has no idea where you are then that isn’t good for either him or the baby.

Don’t escalate the argument into something much bigger and longer lasting, but if you need time out the house then you are entitled to do that - just communicate it.

*if your DH is very upset whilst looking after the baby it isn’t good for the baby

is what I meant to write.

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