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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave dh alone with the baby all day tomorrow without telling him

179 replies

reddyt · 01/12/2022 23:21

Dh has gone to sleep in the spare room after our argument tonight, which I have told him I hate!

To top it off, this now means he gets a lovely nights sleep & I am left to do night feeds alone!!!

Im honestly thinking tomorrow i will take our other ds to school, then swan off to the shops or somewhere, leaving him with the baby & not telling him.

I am fully aware this is probably a childish response but this is just where I'm at.

Do it? Or don't do it?

OP posts:
fUNNYfACE36 · 02/12/2022 04:28

What sort of a mother weaponises their baby?

Pythonese · 02/12/2022 05:00

I think you’re on the slippery slope when you start playing games by using your children to score points.

redbigbananafeet · 02/12/2022 05:15

reddyt · 01/12/2022 23:21

Dh has gone to sleep in the spare room after our argument tonight, which I have told him I hate!

To top it off, this now means he gets a lovely nights sleep & I am left to do night feeds alone!!!

Im honestly thinking tomorrow i will take our other ds to school, then swan off to the shops or somewhere, leaving him with the baby & not telling him.

I am fully aware this is probably a childish response but this is just where I'm at.

Do it? Or don't do it?

Do you both have the day and night off work tomorrow?

havingabubble · 02/12/2022 05:19

You can't just go out for the day without saying a word, that would be really irresponsible, he would worry about you. By all means say you've done all the night feeds and need time to yourself etc but don't leave silently. You need to address the situation like an adult and mother of 2 children...

rwalker · 02/12/2022 05:22

Your just adding fuel to the fire some may say gas lighting

whiteroseredrose · 02/12/2022 05:37

I'd take the baby through to him in the spare room when it's his turn for the night feed. Wake him up, hand over and go back to bed.

orbitalcrisis · 02/12/2022 05:46

fUNNYfACE36 · 02/12/2022 04:28

What sort of a mother weaponises their baby?

The one married to a father who does the same!

Enjoy your day OP! But do tell him or the useless bugger will probably not realise he's supposed to be parenting... again!

Eleusa · 02/12/2022 05:47

Heavens, please don't do this- how childish and cruel. Go out by all means but tell your husband. Leaving him to worry all day that you and DS are dead in a ditch is neither proportionate nor fair.

Looking after the baby is something he should just be doing, as his dad. It shouldn't be a punishment or something to score points with.

Twiglets1 · 02/12/2022 06:11

Sounds like you need some time out.

I would text him after the school drop off to say that you are going into town to do some Christmas shopping for the families. That probably also falls predominantly on your shoulders.

PortiasBiscuit · 02/12/2022 06:18

I suspect that how you act today will absolutely allow anyone to predict whether you and your partner will still be together in three years time.

Talk to him OP!

Theunamedcat · 02/12/2022 06:20

marcopront · 02/12/2022 03:58

Did you miss the part about not telling him?

If you don't tell him

  1. he doesn't know so it doesn't make the same point
  2. he may not look after the baby
Show quote history

What's he going to do ignore the baby crying all day?

Theunamedcat · 02/12/2022 06:22

Milkandhoneybees · 02/12/2022 04:18

If your DH is very upset whilst looking after him and the baby because he has no idea where you are then that isn’t good for either him or the baby.

Don’t escalate the argument into something much bigger and longer lasting, but if you need time out the house then you are entitled to do that - just communicate it.

But it's OK for mum to be upset looking after the baby? That won't hurt mum or baby at all will it 🤔

Sux2buthen · 02/12/2022 06:25

Nobody has any clue what's gone on and the replies are daft.
Do people not just talk anymore?
He could be a horrible git or maybe they had a row and he went to a different room to stop it getting worse
OP said he usually shares night feeds, he's not lazy generally.
Can't stand bad feeling dragging on for days; everyone's a bit more knackered with a baby, a bit less patient.
I'd have a chat personally

Jaybird43 · 02/12/2022 06:26

Yep - you have your day to yourself and let him be the parent. Enjoy it x

Conkersareback · 02/12/2022 06:33

By all means have a day to yourself, but let him know that's what you're doing.

Rainbowcat99 · 02/12/2022 06:36

I don't know, apart from last night is there a history of him leaving you to do all the work or was last night a one off?
As tempting as it feels right now it could lead to an unhealthy tit for tat cycle where each of you keep "disappearing" at a moment's notice. This leave the baby (both dc depending on day) as pawns which is not a great environment to be in.
If he is one of those who takes loads of "hobby time" leaving you alone with the kids then absolutely get some fridays in the diary for yourself. But today, fault or not I'd be using the time trying to sort the argument out for the sake of your dc if nothing else rather than making it worse.

GrinAndVomit · 02/12/2022 06:38

Conkersareback · 02/12/2022 06:33

By all means have a day to yourself, but let him know that's what you're doing.

I agree. Don’t add more fuel to the fire. It’s fine to need a bit of space but you have to communicate or you’re just making the situation worse and further damaging the relationship.
If I didn’t come home after the school run, didn’t tell him where I was going and didn’t answer any phone calls or messages, my husband would worry and start making phone calls. I think he’d phone the school first to see if I’d dropped off our children and then progress from there, friends, family and eventually police.

Feef83 · 02/12/2022 06:48

If not a regular occurrence…. Why create drama and tension. Why don’t three of you go out for breakfast after drop off and then you say that you’re going to head off on your own for a bit and he take the baby home.

if a regular occurrence, then you need to actually talk to him about this seriously.

MulderSmoulder · 02/12/2022 06:51

Don’t use your baby to get back at him.

Maybe he needed some space and time to calm down after the argument? You can’t dictate where someone sleeps you know, that’s very controlling.

Does he need to work tomorrow? Dropping childcare on him with no notice seems quite an extreme reaction.

Sounds like you both need to work on your communication if you want your baby to grow up knowing what a healthy relationship looks like.

PlainJaneSuperBrain99 · 02/12/2022 06:56

If you need to rest while he takes his turn because you were up with the baby last night, then fine. But communicate that.

What you're talking about comes across as if you're doing it out of spite/anger and clearly continuing the argument.

Ivyonafence · 02/12/2022 06:56

Don't use the baby in an argument. That's not fair. Put the baby first no matter what happens.

He's let you down. Talk about it like adults. If you need some time away then just say that and take the time. Don't do it as tit for tat.

Teadrinkingmumofone · 02/12/2022 07:06

Sounds pretty childish. Of you're both home today why doesn't one one of you do the school run then come home for an adult conversation about the argument? Then say you want some time alone and go out.
he's the parent too and I would assume is capable and willing to look after his own child but to just disappear is ridiculous.

StickofVeg · 02/12/2022 07:08

Of course it's fine for your DH to look after baby. But to not communicate about it is childish and it's using your baby as a pawn in your game. I mean this kindly but perhaps work on your relationship and communication with DH because frankly what you suggest isn't going to make it better.

Lobelia123 · 02/12/2022 07:10

No. Of course you can leave the baby with him for the day to take care of, but you have to tell him. You cant just sneak out the house and have no idea whether hes aware that you dont have the baby. What if he thinks youve gone off in a huff with the baby, and leaves for the day? As angry as you may be with him - and YES, he has equal caring responsibilities, your first priority is to make sure your child is not neglected or harmed. So yes, put 100% childcare responsibility on him for the day, but you absolutely have to tell him.

Sushi7 · 02/12/2022 07:14

Have a day out if you want, but you need to let him know. Just a simple text like ‘Gone shopping. I’ll be back later.’ It’s quite emotionally manipulative to just disappear without telling anyone. He might be worried and this would cause even more arguments. Also, what was the argument about? You claim that he was in the wrong, but he might think you are.

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