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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can hear my neighbour sobbing...

263 replies

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:30

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

She's a young (23ish?) new mum who lives with her partner. Baby was born in October. Her family are all in a different town about 1hr away (I think)

And I'm pretty sure I've heard them arguing a few times since they moved in

I'm WFH today and sat in the living room and I can hear her sobbing through the wall Sad Sad Sad

It would be totally inappropriate to knock and ask if she's ok, because then she'll know we can hear them (only when the tv is off though). But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

It could be PND, or something else (I do hope baby is ok)

WWYD???

OP posts:
Original poster
FooFighter99 · 02/12/2022 15:51

It's difficult isn't it, knowing what to do for the best...

They could be our neighbours for a very long time, and I don't want to overstep the mark and create a weird atmosphere; and I'm certainly not going to tell her I could hear her crying, she's already said she worries we can hear the baby crying and hoped he isn't disturbing us (I told her we couldn't hear him, but you can, although it isn't loud or annoying) so she'd be horrified if she knew just how much we could hear

I've decided to leave it for a few days and see what happens. I can't bake/cook her anything as it would just be too out of character. And we aren't really friendly enough for tea/coffee yet (they only moved in a few weeks before baby was born and both DH and I work full time so there hasn't been that much opportunity to get to know them) so it would just be weird if I turned up and/or asked her round for a brew

Maybe she was just having a shitty day, and probably wouldn't appreciate the intrusion but I will keep an eye on the situation and see how things go

Thank you to all who have responded, and sorry for not replying to you all individually

OP posts:
Summertime16 · 02/12/2022 15:58

Sorry OP I haven’t read the full thread. Going round with a “I’ve made too many biscuits, care to take some off me” rather than an intentional bake and a friendly smile.

life is strange for some of us atm with bills, COL so a break in routine maybe good for her and the baby

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 02/12/2022 15:58

1990s · 02/12/2022 13:39

I know what you mean by dragging him out by his ear.

I heard some neighbours having a horrible drunken fight once, I knew them well enough to know that someone intervening would likely not result in violence, so I went down and told them they needed to sleep it off and talk again in the morning.

They were sheepish and agreed. That’s what I expect OP meant by this.

Show quote history

I think, if what I heard was undeniably him shouting at her and her sounding scared/baby crying hysterically, I wouldn't hesitate to go round and have "words" with him

I'm 6' tall and weigh considerably more than he does (and he's not a skinny bloke....) so I would absolutely not be intimidated by him!

But so far, it's just been 1 or 2 instances when I've heard them, and you can just tell he's giving her grief over something (his tone sounds really condescending and goady) and you can kind of hear the pleading in her responses - but it hasn't been for long, nor has it been very loud/heated - it's hard to explain Sad

OP posts:
MasterCherry · 02/12/2022 16:58

Mama1209 · 02/12/2022 15:35

Ok so first of all, your concerned enough to write this post. So in your opinion something is wrong and a child’s safety as well as mums is at risk. If you don’t feel comfortable asking her about it directly when he’s not there, you have a duty of care and a moral obligation to notify the relevant authorities. God forbid you wake up one morning to one of them being wheeled out the house on a stretcher as you would never be able to live with it!

the issue here is if you do go round there, she assures you all is well, but you can see marks on her for eg. You then contact the authorities, they go round there, she covers for him. Your at risk now too and it will make your life hell.

alternative scenario - you ring the authorities. Tell them EXACTLY why you are concerned ie “I have no evidence but I’m concerned as I’ve heard crying, maybe the mum just needs support” you hope nothing is wrong, just hormonal crying? Bickering? they re assure you and keep it all confidential and you can rest assured and sleep well knowing you have done your bit! Or something is wrong and you have saved the mum and baby from abuse! Either way I think this is the best option IMO

How awful. We had a very difficult time after our first was born -- not because my husband was remotely abusive, just because a baby was a massive shock to the system for both of us. I cried because I needed to, and would have hated to be interrupted just by in what should have been the privacy of my own home. Having 'the authorities' (although, what 'authorities' do you mean?) notified by a neighbour would have been absolutely terrifying.

SEND2022 · 02/12/2022 16:58

I had my children at 21 and 23. I split with my ex when youngest 10 weeks old. About 3 weeks later my neighbour came and knocked on the door, she'd seen my face a few times and knew I'd been upset. She asked if she could make me a cup of tea and hold a baby whilst I drank my tea.

It became a fairly routine thing and a life long friendship. She has NO idea how much those 10-20 minutes meant and how many times they got me out of a hole

larkstar · 02/12/2022 17:04

@FooFighter99

"It's difficult isn't it,..."
I tend to look at it the other way. How hard would it be if something happened and you then thought it might have been better to have said something than not. I can see that you could see it as a nuanced situation - we can't judge the situation from a distance - I have realised that giving someone an ounce of hope is a very powerful thing - just to say - well - if there's anything I can do for you, if you need me give me a shout, etc may seem insignificant to you but could be a lifeline for someone - so - I tend to go that route if I'm in any doubt. Hope it turns out to be nothing. There's no shame in being completely wrong about misjudging a situation when you go in with the right intentions - I can live with that.

fussyhousewife · 02/12/2022 17:54

Had similar, thought there was something wrong when I heard my neighbour sobbing (I was coming down path and she was in bathroom with window open). I did as suggested - invited her in. Turns out he was abusing her and beating her and this eventually came out as she began to trust me. I helped her get to a halfway house for abused women (with her two young children). Now she is living with two georgeous teens and having a good life - we are firm friends too. I definitely would do it all again.

PopcornAndPeanutsAndChocolateAndTea · 02/12/2022 18:03

If the dogs get on well I'd knock the next time you take yours for a walk and offer to take it, whilst you're putting collars and leads on just ask how she's doing and say 'I was blooming exhausted with my one when they were tiny' or something along those lines, she may carry on the conversation or she may ask you in for a coffee after the walk
I find with a bit of an awkward conversation it's better to be doing something rather than just standing there

Mumkins42 · 02/12/2022 18:06

I really would hate any neighbour knocking on the door aware they'd heard me crying. I don't think that's a good idea.

The idea of just being as kind and caring with your words if the opportunity arises when you see her again (without bringing up what you've heard )sounds right

BaconChops · 02/12/2022 18:06

Are you likely to bump into your neighbour outside at all? If so I’d be tempted to tell her you wfh and if she ever fancies a cuppa you’d love the company and for a chance to see the baby. Seems more normal to me and less false. Nice though that you’re concerned and the fact it’s even crossing your mind to try and help I think is lovely.

Rosie22xx · 02/12/2022 18:08

I wouldn't mention you can hear them. But maybe knock on and offer some food or if she would like to have a cup of tea and you would love to have a chat and get to know her if she would like to make friends.

JT12 · 02/12/2022 18:09

I was in a similar situation one time when I was staying with my elderly Dad. I could hear his neighbour crying really hard through the wall. My Dad said it was none of my business but I couldn't ignore it so I called my sister who knew her much better and we knocked on her door. It turns out her mum had collapsed with a massive aneurysm and she died within 24 hours. I think she was appreciative of people reaching out as she was waiting for her boyfriend to arrive and was on her own. It might be worth tentatively asking if you can help in any way and take your guidance from her reaction.

Brackensmomma · 02/12/2022 18:11

@FooFighter99 can't you call round see if she'd fancy walking the dogs? And get the baby some fresh air. ?

Esp as the dogs love eachother

She maybe more inclined to open up on a walk.

Good luck hope she's is OK.

IWishIHadNotDoneIt · 02/12/2022 18:11

Could you use the "my parcel hasn't been delivered here by mistake has it?" excuse?

Youneverknowwhatyourgonnaget · 02/12/2022 18:13

when I had my first I was early 20’s and me and my now husband had so many rows I bet my neighbours heard us and heard me crying but to be honest I think it was a mixture of lack of sleep hormones and getting used to a whole new way of life. I remember being jealous of him being able to nip to the shop when he was at work but to me going to the shop seemed such hard work with a baby. Once she started sleeping better and I got my head around my new life things settled. Now my baby is 16 I am very happily married to my absolute best friend and very rarely argue at all. I’d start small talk if you catch her outside ask how things are going as a new mum and to let you know if she needs any help or advice with her family not being close by and keep your eye out for any signs of abuse. Hopefully it will like my case and just teething problems of becoming new young parents. She’s lucky to have you next door

axolotlfloof · 02/12/2022 18:16

Offer to take her dog out with yours?

Chandlersthird · 02/12/2022 18:18

I have read all of your posts op and quite a lot of others. I’m going to go against the grain here a bit and say that she’s more likely to be open and honest when she’s all up in her feelings. I certainly am! If met with compassion rather than nosey neighbour vibes, it just be the moment she needs to be honest about whatever is going on.

Sumthingsweet · 02/12/2022 18:28

Agree I live In south and if someone came around with pack of biscuits or asked me to make them tea when I’m allready feeling shit I would NOT appreciate it . I’m sure she will be embarrassed

Rhodesiawassuper1972 · 02/12/2022 18:28

Knock on her door with a mug of tea and a biscuit. No hesitation

LadyEloise1 · 02/12/2022 18:29

The moment has passed obviously but next time you see her ask her to your house for a coffee/tea. Set an actual date and time not just the generic "Oh you must come over for a cup of coffee sometime. "
Tell her baby is very welcome too ( so excuse ).

BrownEyedGal1512 · 02/12/2022 18:29

You sound like a lovely neighbour 🤩

Bananagirl23 · 02/12/2022 18:30

I think you need to tread carefully here too - like others have said, she should be entitled to have a cry in the privacy of her own home without being bothered by the authorities. Maybe she’s just exhausted with a young baby and letting off steam? Crying does actually release endorphins to make you feel better when you are down. Some people also cry a lot more than others - it’s not necessarily a sign of anything sinister in itself. I agree with others if you interrupt her while crying she might be completely embarrassed and avoid you in future.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 02/12/2022 18:31

I’d worry it was DV

Tessabelle74 · 02/12/2022 18:41

I'd definitely go and see her but maybe a bit later so she doesn't get embarrassed that you've heard her. Maybe take some biscuits round and say you know what it's like trying to grab something to eat with a new baby or similar

Yayhelen · 02/12/2022 18:54

I heard my neighbour beating up his girlfriend and I did go round. Told him I wanted to see her, he said no so I told him I was coming back in 5 minutes and if she wasn’t there for me to see I was calling the police. Can’t believe I did that now - I was only 17 at the time!

In this instance I would just make a bit more of an effort to be available, knock in the next couple of days and say you know having a newborn is a bit tough and you just wanted to let her know you’re about if she needs it, give a couple of examples - a cuppa and some adult conversation or a walk to get out the house.

regardless of reason for upset (partner/hormones/lack of sleep) the best you can do is make an overture of friendship/support x