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AIBU?

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Original poster

I can hear my neighbour sobbing...

263 replies

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:30

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

She's a young (23ish?) new mum who lives with her partner. Baby was born in October. Her family are all in a different town about 1hr away (I think)

And I'm pretty sure I've heard them arguing a few times since they moved in

I'm WFH today and sat in the living room and I can hear her sobbing through the wall Sad Sad Sad

It would be totally inappropriate to knock and ask if she's ok, because then she'll know we can hear them (only when the tv is off though). But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

It could be PND, or something else (I do hope baby is ok)

WWYD???

OP posts:
xogossipgirlxo · 02/12/2022 12:19

YouTarzan · 01/12/2022 20:59

Can you imagine the stress of wanting to cry but feeling like you can’t cos your neighbour will be round?

... and puts the kettle on😆

QuimReaper · 02/12/2022 12:20

I haven't RTFT but just wanted to say, if at all avoidable, please don't turn up unannounced! I've had people do that when I've been perfectly happy and on top of the world (to deliver congratulatory gifts no less), but completely and utterly wiped out, and been mortified to open the door to what I assumed would be the postman, but was in fact a friend, looking like a total scruff with unbrushed hair wearing leggings and a T shirt. And that was during Covid, when they couldn't even be invited in to observe the chaos in the kitchen. I imagine your poor neighbour might be in at least as un-guest-ready a state if you jump her on her doorstep.

If at all possible, drop her a line and ask if it's OK to pop by in an hour or so, give her a chance to smarten herself up if she needs.

Notmrsfitz · 02/12/2022 12:27

The house next door to me is a rented one and quite often the tenants leave and new ones arrive - I’ve heard lots through our (paper thin walls) and thankfully my neighbour was able to intervene many years ago when dreadful things were happening in my house.

I always have tried to be friendly and buy the various families selection boxes at Xmas and Easter eggs at Easter but some of the families I choose not to be involved with on that level, whilst their arguments are awful it soon blows over and I accept it’s just the anger of youth.

one time my youngest son was home and he heard the previous neighbour on the phone trying to get some piroton for her child from friends as she couldn’t leave the house and he actually went to the shop, got her some and took it to her - without her even asking him. (He’s a very thoughtful ds)

I think I’d be inclined to just nip round and say - you’re working from home today and are a bit lonely does she fancy a quick cup of coffee and a biscuit?

Scandiscrepancy · 02/12/2022 12:29

I know everyone is saying you shouldn’t go over and talk to your neighbour but I disagree. I had PND and I just felt so lonely and bored at home all day with my baby. I would have loved it if my neighbour with grown up kids (and all the experience that comes with that) had been present in my life at that time.

neverbeenskiing · 02/12/2022 12:37

I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and PTSD after my second baby. I cried a lot. Uncontrollably, probably louder than I realised, and for sustained periods of time. I would have hated it if a neighbour had turned up because they'd heard me sobbing. I would have been mortified, but felt I had to seem appreciative and pleased to see them and so I probably would have forced myself to accept their offer of a cuppa and a chat. I probably would have told them I was feeling much better and how helpful they were. Privately, I would have been desperate for them to go.

Your neighbour isn't me, and she might just be having a bad day. She might feel completely differently. The point is you don't know, but if you just turn up then it puts her on the spot and you won't really know whether or not its been helpful as most people (well, most women, let's be honest) are conditioned to be 'polite' and grateful even when they're in crisis.

2bazookas · 02/12/2022 12:38

There's a new baby and a mum alone sobbing loud enough to hear through the wall. Noise travels two ways; so she can hear your noises through the wall too; TV, laughter, music, your phone ringing. She surely KNOWS she can be heard crying and is past caring. Just desperate, at the end of her tether, not coping.

That's a red flag for PND and PND can be very dangerous for both.

Get round there, you know she needs help. You can just say "Sounds like you 're on your own and need some company " .

tammie49 · 02/12/2022 12:41

I'd go round. She'll appreciate it so much I'm sure. It's the hardest thing having a new born and it can be so isolating. You might be able to help her out with getting the confidence to go to some groups. Good support networks at that time are worth their weight in gold.

PaintDiagram · 02/12/2022 12:46

What a sad state of affairs that we’re becoming a society that neighbours are strangers.

Mum called our next door neighbour an angel and I called her Auntie. Apparently she’d never hear us thru the wall (I know now that my dad was emotionally and financially abusing mum/gave nil support). She popped over with a knitted blanket when I was born to break the ice and the rest was history.

Don’t push your way in and demand to put on the kettle but offering some baked goods/left over cake is the human touch that we all need as humans. Maybe she needs reassurance from a mum that she’s doing the right thing, maybe she could do with having a chat with another human who’s not a new born baby, maybe she’ll look at you like she’s got three heads but in the future she might just need someone.

moofolk · 02/12/2022 12:46

Knock on.

"Hiya I'm WFH and so bored, do you fancy a brew?"

Wishiwasatailor · 02/12/2022 12:56

could you just knock and ask if she wanted to go for a dog walk together. No need to mention that you heard her crying or even ask if she’s ok. If she wants to share anything it’s likely it will happen.

dontbringthatbirdinhere · 02/12/2022 13:02

I'd also pop round and have a cuppa. Perhaps you could say you remember how hard the first few months of having a newborn were for you and wonder if she fancies some company and a chat?

Isthisfareal · 02/12/2022 13:05

We had a baby earlier this year and have had some horrendous arguments - as you do when you’re knackered and taking it out on each other. I personally wouldn’t go round while she’s crying. Sometimes you need a good cry, and as others have said, it’s her personal space where she should be allowed to cry and not have a neighbour knock on the door or draw attention to the fact you can hear her. Yes we all hear things from time to time but give the girl a bit of privacy. However, sometime next week, pop over and say hello. How are you? How’s the baby? If I can sit with the baby while you catch up on sleep/have some lunch/a shower you just tell me. She won’t (as my lovely neighbours have offered many times!) but it’s so nice to have the offer of support. I also think she’ll speak to her mum or a close friend first rather than confide in you… unless you’re really good friends. And that is totally fine. Just by asking if she’s ok might prompt her to reach out to someone close if she’s not ok.

EnfysPreseli · 02/12/2022 13:10

I don't think it's intrusive to knock on the door and say that you're working from home and wondered if she fancied coming round for a coffee. No need to mention that you've heard her cry, but empathise a bit about how life is with a new baby. If she wants to talk, let her talk. If she doesn't that's fine. At least she knows that there's somewhere she can turn if she does need some support.

JFDIYOLO · 02/12/2022 13:12

Go round as a friendly neighbour, offering a welcome to the area, get to know her. This is unlikely to just go away.

Sandra1984 · 02/12/2022 13:25

She maybe suffering from postpartum depression. I would offer her a cup of tea and a friendly hand. If you hear domestic violence is clearly happening then I would call 911 but it doesn't sound like it's the case here so I would just do the friendly neighbour thing.

Knanks · 02/12/2022 13:28

If you cook at all, then I'd make some freezeable food and take it over and offer to help her out in some way (wash dishes, pick her up something from the shop, etc..). That way she knows she has someone who cares.

TBH, I wouldn't care if anyone thought I was being a nosey git. I'd rather come off as nosey and have her know someone cares, than have something bad happen to her. I've heard of new mothers committing suicide and having increases in domestic abuse. Those to me are far worse than me being a "nosey git".

IClaudine · 02/12/2022 13:33

Could you make up some excuse, such as say some of your sockets are not working and you're not sure if it is your fuse board or if it's affecting everyone. When she says hers are fine, give her your number and ask her to let you know if she notices any problems later in the day. Then add, if you fancy popping round for a coffee at some point, also let me know. Or I could come to you, which ever is easier.

1990s · 02/12/2022 13:39

DuplicateUserName · 01/12/2022 16:57

But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

If you're serious about wanting to help her during a heated argument, would it not be better to tell your DH and DSD what you're really going to do?

It might help to have an actual plan?

I know what you mean by dragging him out by his ear.

I heard some neighbours having a horrible drunken fight once, I knew them well enough to know that someone intervening would likely not result in violence, so I went down and told them they needed to sleep it off and talk again in the morning.

They were sheepish and agreed. That’s what I expect OP meant by this.

BucketofTeaMassiveCake · 02/12/2022 13:44

I'd knock on the door and say, "Hi, it's been a while since I saw you and baby, and I just wondered how you're getting on now. Newborns are lovely but it's tough sometimes, isn't it?" and then the ball is in her court, as it were.

forgotmyusername1 · 02/12/2022 13:54

maybe go and knock on the door with some tea bags and cake and say you were out the front and thought she sounded upset and would she like some tea and cake with you?

I wouldn't say you heard her through the wall

emptythelitterbox · 02/12/2022 13:59

Since you are already friendly with her, I think it'd be ok to invite her for a cuppa.
She may have PPD or having a bad day.
She can always say no thanks.

Savanna1990 · 02/12/2022 14:08

I agree would feel like you’ve got no privacy in your own home.

Yourwan · 02/12/2022 14:14

Oh god, I'm a crier and would hate it if my neighbours could hear me. I had a big cry yesterday because a new very expensive printer I ordered came broken and I need to get orders out asap and now I have a really expensive, really big paperweight until I can sort it out with the company. Last week I cried like a baby because my arthritis has been really painful lately and it's not fair that I am 36 and feel completely hobbled. Some people are just criers, I feel better after a good cry, it doesn't mean something crazy dramatic has happened or I need a neighbour to check up on me. If I was going through a hard time it would make it even worse if I felt like I didn't even have the privacy in my own home to deal with it in peace.

Mama1209 · 02/12/2022 15:35

Ok so first of all, your concerned enough to write this post. So in your opinion something is wrong and a child’s safety as well as mums is at risk. If you don’t feel comfortable asking her about it directly when he’s not there, you have a duty of care and a moral obligation to notify the relevant authorities. God forbid you wake up one morning to one of them being wheeled out the house on a stretcher as you would never be able to live with it!

the issue here is if you do go round there, she assures you all is well, but you can see marks on her for eg. You then contact the authorities, they go round there, she covers for him. Your at risk now too and it will make your life hell.

alternative scenario - you ring the authorities. Tell them EXACTLY why you are concerned ie “I have no evidence but I’m concerned as I’ve heard crying, maybe the mum just needs support” you hope nothing is wrong, just hormonal crying? Bickering? they re assure you and keep it all confidential and you can rest assured and sleep well knowing you have done your bit! Or something is wrong and you have saved the mum and baby from abuse! Either way I think this is the best option IMO

Mama1209 · 02/12/2022 15:40

This is adorable what a lovely thing to do for someone x