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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can hear my neighbour sobbing...

263 replies

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:30

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

She's a young (23ish?) new mum who lives with her partner. Baby was born in October. Her family are all in a different town about 1hr away (I think)

And I'm pretty sure I've heard them arguing a few times since they moved in

I'm WFH today and sat in the living room and I can hear her sobbing through the wall Sad Sad Sad

It would be totally inappropriate to knock and ask if she's ok, because then she'll know we can hear them (only when the tv is off though). But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

It could be PND, or something else (I do hope baby is ok)

WWYD???

OP posts:
YouTarzan · 01/12/2022 20:59

Can you imagine the stress of wanting to cry but feeling like you can’t cos your neighbour will be round?

Greggsyumyumsmum · 01/12/2022 21:04

Maybe pop around with a small token something for baby, use it as an opener, ask her if she fancies a cuppa, ask how she's finding motherhood. Please tell her that a lot of mums find it isolating, and how hard it is, but it's not spoken about enough.
I said this to another new mum a few months ago, and she really needed to hear it. She was suffering silently for quite a while.

Subtlety1985 · 01/12/2022 21:08

WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff · 01/12/2022 16:34

I wouldn't intervene now. Lots of 20-something couples fight like cat and dog, and the rows are is something and nothing. But keep an eye on it, listen out, see if it gets any worse, and see how much you can hear the baby crying and if the cry sounds desperate...

Me and DH had quite a few rows when we were in our 20s, and a lot when DD was under 18 months old. I would not have appreciated a neighbour coming around to find out what's wrong tbh.

Your heart is in the right place though, and that's just my opinion.

Couldn’t have put it better.

I had a baby at the start of the year. I cried hard for the first 8 weeks, many times. My neighbours absolutely would have heard (we can hear each other sneeze). I really appreciate they left me to it. It wasn’t PND, it was healing from a birth injury, sleep deprivation, mastitis and learning to care for a new baby.

As for my DH - it was stressful for him too. He was sleep deprived and watching me in pain. Our life was upside down from what we knew. We both argued - it’s normal.

The last thing I would have wanted was my neighbour knocking to offer me a cup of tea, as many posters have suggested or even making me aware they could hear me. I’d feel like I would have to cry silently and sometimes we just need to let it out as it comes.

ScornedChicken · 01/12/2022 21:12

PreparationPreparationPrep · 01/12/2022 16:35

Could you do above and with a small gift for the baby. Then it doesn't seem too much like you are intruding. But could get your foot in the door - so to speak.

I would do this, a little gift for the baby. An excuse to do a bit of small talk. I remember we had a lovely neighbour when I was younger. I'd love it if my current neighbours were kind. I know everyone is low on time but just a little bit of kindness goes a long way.

Pidgeonslipshit · 01/12/2022 21:42

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2022 19:42

Could you go round to 'borrow' an egg, sugar, a pair of pliers? If she has a tear-stained face maybe just say "You ok, <name>?" with no mention of hearing anything and let her take it from there. She can either say "Sure, I'm fine" or use it for an opening to ask for help or just talk and release some tension.

This is what I would have done. Made up an excuse to call round and then take the lead from her reaction.

KAYMACK · 01/12/2022 21:43

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:30

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

She's a young (23ish?) new mum who lives with her partner. Baby was born in October. Her family are all in a different town about 1hr away (I think)

And I'm pretty sure I've heard them arguing a few times since they moved in

I'm WFH today and sat in the living room and I can hear her sobbing through the wall Sad Sad Sad

It would be totally inappropriate to knock and ask if she's ok, because then she'll know we can hear them (only when the tv is off though). But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

It could be PND, or something else (I do hope baby is ok)

WWYD???

DSD(22)

What does the above mean?

Starseeking · 01/12/2022 21:46

You could easily go round without mentioning that you'd heard her crying.

All you'd say is that you know life can be difficult with a new baby far away from family, and that you thought you'd visit to ask how she is.

It doesn't have to be made into a big drama.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/12/2022 21:49

DSD(22)

What does the above mean?

DSD = Dear Step Daughter, aged 22

dragonfly16 · 01/12/2022 21:54

I sobbed a few times after having a new baby and the last thing I would've wanted is a neighbour coming round! Leave the woman to sob in peace in her own home!

DoubleFunMum · 01/12/2022 21:56

I'd be round there like a shot. Think of a time that you have sobbed like that and how much despair someone has to feel to get like that - wouldn't you want someone to just show some support. Make her a cup of tea, give her a hug and tell her that being a new Mum is hard but will get easier. Offer to take the baby a walk in the pram and let her have a shower. Even if she declines, she will know the offer was there and may approach you in the future if she really needs help. PND or not, a 2 month old is hard without family around. Especially if her relationship isn't good. Again, isn't it better that she knows a friendly ear is next door? It could, literally, be a life-saver.

Lexilexci · 01/12/2022 21:58

My neighbour knocked when they heard noise, they stopped my husband from raping me.

DoubleFunMum · 01/12/2022 21:59

But as others have said, you don't need to say you heard her crying. Just make an excuse to go round.

Livelovebehappy · 01/12/2022 22:00

I wouldn’t intervene. You don’t know why she was crying. You’re adding 2 + 2 together and getting 5. I had bad news about a death yesterday and was crying. I would be mortified if my neighbours jumped to the conclusion that I might be a battered wife. Me and husband do sometimes have heated discussions/debates, which may or may not filter through our walls. Unless you actually see/hear evidence of physical violence or abuse, I would really stay out of it….

kateandme · 01/12/2022 22:17

Oh and contrary to mnet law.couples can argue and shout without it being abuse.disagreements aren't all whispers and rational lines.

DuplicateUserName · 01/12/2022 22:19

Snnowflake · 01/12/2022 18:18

I would've been mortified if I thought my neighbours could hear me and doubly so if they let me know about it!

I'm surprised at this - surely the difficulties of early days with a new baby are recognised now as is pnd. No need to be mortified.

You're surprised I'd be mortified if the family next door told me they could hear me crying? Really? Confused

Lots of difficulties are recognised but that doesn't mean everyone's comfortable with near strangers wanting to talk to them about it.

kateandme · 01/12/2022 22:20

But equally someone's been doing a good old cry sesh.theyve got a new born.so if betrying to go round anyway to support.
Could you cook a pie or something.say you had way too much and would they like it.and you've been meaning to come see how she's getting on anyway.

GG1986 · 01/12/2022 22:25

If you are friendly with her, i would knock on her door with some cakes or biscuits and ask her if she is ok as you thought you could hear her crying the other day, i wouldn't mention the arguing though. Ask her if she needs anything and leave it be.

Duttercup · 01/12/2022 22:34

Think of a time that you have sobbed like that and how much despair someone has to feel to get like that - wouldn't you want someone to just show some support
**
No, I really wouldn't. I would be troubled at not being able to cry inside my own house without feeling self-conscious.

DuplicateUserName · 01/12/2022 22:55

Duttercup · 01/12/2022 22:34

Think of a time that you have sobbed like that and how much despair someone has to feel to get like that - wouldn't you want someone to just show some support
**
No, I really wouldn't. I would be troubled at not being able to cry inside my own house without feeling self-conscious.

Despair?

I cried because I forgot to buy eggs when my DS1 was 2 months old.

Sleep deprivation does that to even the strongest of people so I wouldn't automatically assume despair.

Heretobeanon · 02/12/2022 00:15

This would have been me a few months ago. I have an amazingly supportive DH, but you still end up having silly arguments because you're both knackered.

The sobbing was just because it was so hard looking after a newborn, just the two of us with zero help from extended family. It would often follow an argument because I would get sad that we were griping at each other about trivial things due to us both being so tired.

I totally get why you are concerned about the possibility of DV, but she could just be overwhelmed.

Mulhollandmagoo · 02/12/2022 00:38

Honestly l, when I was in the thick of it with a newborn, and really struggling, I'd have loved.someone to check on me! Just nip.round, double check she's ok, offer her a brew and if she accepts great, of not just tell her to let you know if she needs you for anything, maybe?

mezlou84 · 02/12/2022 11:37

I would invite her round for coffee a few times a week. It's hard not being close to family and being a new mam. Bake some buns or something and say I've just made some buns if you want to come round for coffee and buns x

Lisa411980 · 02/12/2022 12:07

Maybe break the ice if you don't speak to her often maybe buy a tiny gift for baby for Christmas and take a card around strike up a conversation about the baby and maybe offer her if she ever just wants 5 minutes then she's more than welcome to pop around for a brew.

CamelFlarge · 02/12/2022 12:08

I'd err on the side of inviting her to yours rather than just turning up. A note through the door inviting her to join you on your coffee break would be enough.

Throwawayaccount1 · 02/12/2022 12:17

"hi I ordered some donuts/muffins, and they accidentally sent me double, I thought you might like some. They got me through my kid being tiny!"