To be sad that DH wants to go part time too?

[Bobcatbobby]

My DH is very hands on with our DD and is a great Dad. We are very equal in terms of responsibilities both with her and around the house, which is exactly what I thought I always wanted when it came to parenting. I was adamant before I got pregnant that I wouldn't be one of those women that did all the donkey work while her husband did the fun stuff. Which is pretty much what I've got and I know I'm very lucky.

I really want to go PT 3 days a week. We can afford this. However my DH has said it would be good if we can each go down to 4 days so we both get a day of during the week with DD and I've said yes because it seems fair. But honestly I'm kind of gutted - 1 day a week doesn't seem enough. I know if I get 2 and he gets 0 that's shit for him which is why I've agreed. But I'm sad about it. We earn similar so it's not an issue financially, just emotionally.

I know we should have discussed this prior to getting pregnant but honestly DD was a bit of a surprise so we have worked things out as we go along. I shared some of my maternity leave with him (I did 9 and he did 3 months) so im not adverse to working while he does the childcare but im just surprised at myself for WANTING to be the one doing it all.

I think I'm probably being massively U as it's 2022 and equality and all that, but would love to hear thoughts on how others would feel about this.

What in the actual fuck have I just read….? Man is a let down and ‘not a keeper’ because he wants to actively parent his own children and is prepared to make practical changes to his life to do so?!

As I said upthread, there is a huge difference between three days and four in career terms. Four days enables career progression in a way that three doesn’t. So two people working four days is generally way better for the household pot than one full time and one working three days. I’m not sure how you equate the bloke wanting to each work four days as not being what’s best for the family unit. To me that’s absolutely what’s best for everyone in the round. It’s just the woman who wants more days off herself who doesn’t see it that way!

Tell me @Venetiaparties do you work at least four days a week and contribute to ‘making your family financially stable’, or do you sit back and expect a man to do that for you whilst fawning over you forevermore because you once were pregnant and gave birth? In the absence of significant medical injuries, the vast, vast majority of women are well able physically and mentally to work after 9-12 months of mat leave and have absolutely nothing left that they need to recover from after that time. Apart from perhaps the shock of being expected to still go out to work now and then 🤣

You sound like a lazy, man-hating leech if I’m honest. I hope that’s not the case but it’s very much the vibes that jump off your bizarre rant!

Oh and I somehow doubt many (decent) men would be impressed with a woman like you, if I’m honest 🤣🤣

women have maternity leave to get over pregnancy and childbirth.

you sound lazy and entitled.

Its all fair enough in one sense OP, but to be perfectly honest, I couldn't doing with this in a husband. Can't imagine it actually. No, YANBU, but this is the type you married, so it is what it is.

Can’t be doing with what?

A man who wants to spend time with his child?

It sounds like you feel you're somehow not being a modern woman because you actually would like to be home with your child. We've been pushed and pushed to believe that motherhood and being at home is pretty terrible and something women are forced into, and that true equality is... being more like a man.

Of course we wouldn't want to still be in the days where women can't choose what they want to do, aren't allowed to study or progress etc. But modern feminism devalues motherhood and values traditional 'masculine' pursuits to a ridiculous degree. So we have loads of women trying to have it all, and a society where a housheold now needs two wages to function. This is true equality, your husband being able to have a day with your daughter too. I think you know that's lovely and you don't want to take that away from him, but you're surprised that you're disappointed because you've been sold a lie that motherhood is shit and everyone should be leaning in and loving squeezing motherhood between paid work.

I'd love to be able to stay at home and just make the household run smoothly, be super present for my kids, make them a nice environment and healthy meals and them have a mum not stretched so thinly. To many that's quite anti feminist.

I'm just giving an honest perspective, MichaelFabricantWig. I couldn't be doing with it.

I think a lot of women pin their entire sense of self worth on being a mother, being essential to their children and entirely indispensable at home - particularly women who didn’t build a career. The prospect of a man wanting to parent equally as well fills them with insecurity because they’re terrified they might have to do something else too and not blame everything on having kids, doing it all at home etc.

Its quite interesting to see, that for all the posts on here moaning about men who don’t pull their weight, that there seems to be a not insignificant number who actively don’t want them to.

Personally I think that’s the crux of the reason why. It’s certainly not for the benefit of their kids because it’s only good for them to have two active involved parents and to witness real equality every day in their homes.

With what exactly? And why?

It’s quite sad that you ‘couldn’t be doing’ with a man who is an active, present and engaged father to your children. Is that because of what’s best for you your children or because of what it might mean for you I wonder?

What is “it” though?

Christ where did all the dinosaur sexist dickheads pop up from today?

Equality also means that women are just as responsible for financially providing for their families as men. Providing the money to ensure safe and stable housing, healthy food, basic needs and as per income - activities, vacations, vehicles - and to meet your children's financial needs is the responsibility of both parents. Both parents can and should take on childcare, financial responsibility, and domestic work. I am not an everything needs to be exactly 50/50 but both parties need to feel as though each are being equally responsible and equally contributing on all fronts.

Absolutely this.

I had to go back to work when my son was 7 months old due to short maternity leave where we live, but my husband had lots of holiday allowance so I made encouraged him to take a full month off before sending our son to the childminder.

My husband is also now between careers after leaving the army, and did six weeks of childcare over the summer when the childminder was on holiday and then when our son started at crèche part-time.

He also did 5 days and nights of completely solo parenting when our son was 11 months old and then again at 13 months old because I had to go away for work.

The result is that I am not the default parent. We are both equally capable of taking care of our son. If I want to go for a weekend away, I can. If I want to apply for a promotion, I can. And our children will not grow up with the impression that daddies bring home the bacon and mummies stay at home and wipe bottoms.

"What is “it” though?"

I suppose, for me, "It" would be a few things.
L
a) a man pushing me back to work before I was ready
b) making a new mum work 4 days instead of 3 because "equality."
c) the general mentality / lack of the instinct to provide for his family

Sorry, I know that's not a popular sentiment in MN, but I'm being honest.

Most men only want to do this now because it's easier (screens, for themselves and dc.) Selection bias will fill this thread with posters who have unusual examples of wonderful hands-on dads, but that's certainly not the norm. Most men aren't willing to sacrifice their own comfort in the same way. I know one SAHD who put the baby in childcare to socialize- at 3 months! Another who's kids have gotten the exact same grotty sandwich in their pack lunch for 12 years. All are on screens constantly. I do know of one dad who is an exception.

I also have an inkling that some of these marriages are equal for good reasons, and some are these tedious fuckers who tit for tat everything because they're both lazy and don't want to work. I sure hope OP isn't back in a few years whinging about turning the heating on.

Yes, the 'tit for tat' whingers. That's what would do my head in.

What a great dad and he wants to be hands on, brilliant. Therefore, YABU, share the parenting role and share the working role. 2022 and all that

I think a lot of women pin their entire sense of self worth on being a mother, being essential to their children and entirely indispensable at home - particularly women who didn’t build a career. The prospect of a man wanting to parent equally as well fills them with insecurity because they’re terrified they might have to do something else too and not blame everything on having kids, doing it all at home etc.

Its quite interesting to see, that for all the posts on here moaning about men who don’t pull their weight, that there seems to be a not insignificant number who actively don’t want them to.

Personally I think that’s the crux of the reason why. It’s certainly not for the benefit of their kids because it’s only good for them to have two active involved parents and to witness real equality every day in their homes.

Spot on 👍🏻

dh and I both did 4 days a week with ds in the first couple of years and it worked well. I was the main breadwinner and would have loved more time off with ds (had to go back after 6 mnoths), but in hindsight it meant dh had a great relationship with ds that I never saw with any of the other men in our families who worked long FT hours. We did this 18 years ago and it was only possible for dh because he was self employed, I don't recall any employed men having the choice back then.

It is fantastic you both earn equally and the option is there for both parents to get an equal opportunity to enjoy quality 1-1 time with their dd and it is the best thing for your dd too. Surely this is what the last few decades of change has been all about?

• I stayed off work for a full year before my husband and started our four day each arrangement. I was very ready to go back.

• I like my work, it’s fulfilling, pays well and I’m proud of it. I wanted to work four days as I knew that three days would mean my career plateaued and I wanted to achieve more, which I now have. Husband was pretty easy going and happy for me to decide what I wanted to do.

• My husband earns very well even on four days a week. He provides very well, as do I. That buys us the luxury of choosing to also provide our children with TIME from both of us which we believe matters a huge amount, just as much as more money would. Which, as I explained upthread, we would actually have less of if he worked full time and I had reduced to three days.

You’re assuming that all women are un-ambitious and only work if someone ‘makes’ them. Not all of us are looking for a penis to pay the bills. I see a husband and father as far more than a caveman provider, I thought we’d moved past that nonsense?

MN makes me laugh to be honest. It's always the same. All this super-earnest 50/50 waffle. I always imagine Kevin from Motherland as the ideal MN husband.

If you read mumsnet you should know that we’re a long, long way from it being ‘always’ 50/50.

You do you, but don’t sneer at people who want something different for their families.

Well he’s not forcing her back to work too early. The child is 16 months. Maternity leave is 12 months. Presumably their lifestyle depends on having 2 wages so OP herself knows she needs to work. She can work that out for herself without needing a man to do so.

He is not “making” her do anything. I’ve worked 4 days pretty much my entire career as a parent. It’s hardly like he’s forcing her to move away from home and work down a mine. In this day and age women are sensible to retain as much ability to provide for themselves and their children if they can instead of being reliant on a man.

How does working 4 days mean he doesn’t have an instinct to provide for his family? Have I missed a post that he’s actually planning to quit work altogether and go on the dole? As above I’ve worked 4 days almost all my career until recently and I’m the principal breadwinner. Did I not have that instinct either or does that only apply to men?

Your “being honest” demonstrates that you are a sexist dinosaur, probably lazy as well, not something I’d be proud to share but you do you I guess.

Ha!

Yeah it's the endless threads about how men at work make sure to never take on the low visibility shit tasks, always negotiate for advancement etc- we should be like them and never organize the leaving card for Deirdre. But at home these men magically become doting dads. No, aside from the woman above with 2 magically high earning parents on 4 days a week (might explain the state of the economy tbf) what these women most likely ended up with is one of those lazy boys.