To be sad that DH wants to go part time too?

[Bobcatbobby]

My DH is very hands on with our DD and is a great Dad. We are very equal in terms of responsibilities both with her and around the house, which is exactly what I thought I always wanted when it came to parenting. I was adamant before I got pregnant that I wouldn't be one of those women that did all the donkey work while her husband did the fun stuff. Which is pretty much what I've got and I know I'm very lucky.

I really want to go PT 3 days a week. We can afford this. However my DH has said it would be good if we can each go down to 4 days so we both get a day of during the week with DD and I've said yes because it seems fair. But honestly I'm kind of gutted - 1 day a week doesn't seem enough. I know if I get 2 and he gets 0 that's shit for him which is why I've agreed. But I'm sad about it. We earn similar so it's not an issue financially, just emotionally.

I know we should have discussed this prior to getting pregnant but honestly DD was a bit of a surprise so we have worked things out as we go along. I shared some of my maternity leave with him (I did 9 and he did 3 months) so im not adverse to working while he does the childcare but im just surprised at myself for WANTING to be the one doing it all.

I think I'm probably being massively U as it's 2022 and equality and all that, but would love to hear thoughts on how others would feel about this.

I think both parents been able to do p/t is the ideal personally.

Wow so unfair on your DH. You seem like you have everything yet its still not enough.

2 days per week was the perfect balance for me so I see why you want (both) more. Could you work flexible, compressed hours? Or reduce your core job hours and pick up a couple of night shifts in another job? Office cleaning?

Don't be horrible. A partner who wants to do 50 50 is a basic expectation, not an example of "having it all".

Anyone who can pay all their bills each month already "has enough" but that doesnt stop people picking up overtime for holidays and extras or doing the lottery.

Why shouldn't she explore flexible working to get more time with her child. She has explicitly said she doesnt want to reduce his time so get that chip off your shoulder.

🤣🤣 get that grip off my shoulder. No I'm OK thanks, are you ok?

It's unfair on her DH. Why is it OK for her to reduce days but not him?

Why don’t you still just work 3 days and your DH 4? That way your child is only in nursery 2 days a week. Much better for them to be at home with a parent at such a young age.

Even if less money for a while, you’d be saving on nursery fees & can increase hours once she’s older.

You don’t get that time back, I think you are completely reasonable for wanting to spend more time with your child.

If your H was my son this is exactly what I would hope he would do when the pregnancy was announced. I would hope he would step up and be 100% equal partner in everything not just putting shelves up and putting the bins outside. Your marriage will benefit too. This is what I hope my sons will do when they meet someone they love and have children. Well done.

I'm not going to vote 😊 as I perfectly understand how you feel! But I think in the long run this will absolutely work for the benefit of your family. So yes, YABU , and no, YANBU 💝

My advice applies to him....if he wants more days with the kids look for flexible working.

Have you actually shared anything helpful or just whined that it's sooo unfair? Because you're looking for a way to view this as the mean lady wanting to take the time away from her poor husband or wanting to work less than him. Flexible working deals with that. Let's hear your actual ideas shall we?

Like you said, you're very lucky to have a partner who does his complete fair share of the childcare etc. I think it's only fair for you both to go down to 4 days part time and get a day each with her? However, if it's how you feel, you need to discuss it with him and see how he feels. But I do understand his point of view to be honest.

I can completely understand why you are disappointed. For me, I would be let down by the fact he does not want to work and secure promotions and make us financially stable. There seems to be no sense of responsibility. He sounds desperate for absolutely everything to be equal because it suits him without recognising the exhaustion of creating a life, sustaining a life for 9 months, labour and breast feeding - dh has done none of this - and I would expect time to get over that and to be part time and to recover if it was financially possible. You are not equal, because your body has been through a huge upheaval and additionally you are the one to sustain your baby in the early months.

He is not a keeper, in a word, and it would depress the life out of me being with someone angling to get the best deal for himself, rather than doing what is best for the whole family. He sounds selfish and looking out for himself.

You should continue to be part time with 2 days off
He should go part time with 1 day off
I wouldn't be impressed with a man like this if I am honest.

Not sure what I think of this. I agree equality and all that. But I know that no matter how much I'd have insisted my DH to share the mat leave he would have been twice as insistent that we don't and that I take the full leave. He is the best hands on Dad, we are pretty much 50/50 in everything we do. He might do more jobs, I do the cooking/shopping and we share virtually everything else by choice for the both of us. But when it comes to reducing days I think I would suggest both of us drop a day rather than me drop 2 and him 0. I'd feel like he deserves that the same as me. Just my opinion though. I do understand where you are coming from OP x

I see and understand your disappointment and although it’s not really fair, as you yourself point out,there are so many benefits to it.

you get to work and keep your foot on the ladder
All the housework commitments don’t fall on you
Your husband gets to spend time with your daughter
Your daughter gets the benefit and joy of 2 days a week with her parents and each will offer her different experiences.

I think from the outside looking in this is a fabulous way to do it, and it’s not forever as in no time at - nursery looms and she will go to nursery a grounded little girl whose spent lots of time with both her Mummy and Daddy.

I think returning to work after having a baby is always daunting, so much has changed for you and it’s all very different - but you soon fall into a new routine and working is beneficial to Mums in many ways.

I think you feel this way because it is still so much the norm for Mums to be home with baby.Maybe discuss it with him ,Tell him you would feel happier your way round and see what he says.Women biologically are primed for pregnancy bf and so on .

Plenty of men now look after children on there own without a “mother figure” and most the posts on here smack of misandry.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander

This is ridiculous does he have no sense of responsibility for his family for wanting to work 4 days but not the OP who only wants to do 3?

We’re talking about a whole year post birth. Being tired from pregnancy or labour doesn’t really come into it.

FS image describing someone as “not a keeper” based on them wanting 1 day a week at home with their child!

It is very much in your long term interest to get him contributing in this way. You might feel a bit emotional about it but it really really makes sense longer term.

I’m going to quote Caitlin Moran by saying that a woman’s career is only as good as her husband allows it to be. Try to see this as positive. Your child will also get a lot from having time with both parents.

You know yabu op😀
In the kindest way,please be grateful for all you have and stop the wanting more,it won't help.🌈

I think it’s understandable that a mum wants as much time at home as possible with her child.

I appreciate all the replies and different perspectives!

DD is 16 months.

As much as I'd love to do 3 days a week while he does 4, we really can't afford that even with the drop in childcare costs.

With respect @Venetiaparties I disagree - I think we are both responsible for making our family unit financially stable in whatever way works for both of us. He actually does have promotion in mind but so do I and love my job (believe it or not from this post haha).

I'm glad I posted here. Hopefully we will be able to model to our daughter that she doesn't have to choose between a family and a career if she doesn't want to!

Off to spend the weekend treasuring the moments with her now, yay! Thanks all.

You should've saved yourself the paragraphs and just typed "a man's role is to work and earn money, a woman's role is to stay at home and rear children", because that's what this bollocks boils down to.

Yikes. He is not proposing to work one day a week and veg out the other 6 days.

He will work 4 days and care for his dd alone 1 day.

That’s to be commended.

There are lots of women on MN who work part time and their husbands work full time but do fuck all in the house on evenings or weekends or holidays.

This post makes me feel we have SUCH a long way to go! So many women on here such be ashamed of their 1950s views.

I applaud OP's husband - an absolute model of what many men should do in terms of their fair share.

Also doesn't sound like OP is disappointed that her husband wants a day off, BUT that it means she can't get an extra day. Presumably she wouldn't feel that way if they could afford to let her have the time off she wants plus he also gets 1 day.