Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

i worked with a lovely ex colleague who was half Italian and half Jamaican, she looked a bit like Meghan Markle. She straightened her hair but one day wore it curly (natural) and it looked so pretty. She mentioned to me once she’d got racist abuse on her looks. Luckily she held her own. She went to a private girls school and said that her though people weren’t racist to her face she’d get comments.

Same with someone else I know who’s half Bajan and half white, got loads of abuse growing up and developed a very thick skin.

Years ago, my DM’s Jewish family friend who owned a prestigious shop and gave opening evenings/viewings invited me and a friend and my DM along. Friend is Nigerian. Family friend says “oh I love dark girls, they’re so lovely and exotic”. My DM and I shot him nasty looks and DM spoke to him afterwards in private but I was mortified for my friend.

I realise I’m privileged as a white woman not to have to navigate that crap.

That's great for you, genuinely. But I was born here to a mother who's an orphan. So these questions are awkward for me as I genuinely don't have a clue.

So I look east Asian but you could give me a pin and a map and your guess would be as good as mine.

I've met royalty and thankfully I wasn't asked where I was from, as I'd have had the same conversation.

Do I find these questions offensive? Not particularly but I've got thick skin. They're tiresome though as I've been asked so many times. I can certainly empathise with those who do find it offensive as we're all different. Perhaps you need a bit more of that as you're coming across like there's no problem.

This has become about racism (and whether some people think it is/isn’t) but to me the way the guest was questioned was just RUDE, and not what I would expect from a person who has spent decades doing these sort of functions where etiquette and politeness are prized. Why wasn’t the lady in waiting asking the guest about her charitable work, which is what she was there for, instead of giving her a grilling about her family heritage and ignoring the obvious ‘I am uncomfortable’ signs the guest was giving? Very undiplomatic and crass. I’m of African heritage, I generally don’t mind telling people my ‘origin story’, but in some situations (like this one) it can be inappropriate, humiliating and intrusive in the way it is done.

I mean it's surely counterproductive not to acknowledge heritage and make it a taboo subject - racism is based on someone's (perceived or actual) racial appearance, by stopping the conversation about it we're surely stopping the conversation about racism? And that cannot happen.

What I am gleaming from this thread is that heritage is something to rightly be proud of and asking about it in a non-confrontational way is acceptable? What is not acceptable is questioning someone's nationality and not accepting their answer based on your own predetermined notions of nationality. Forgive me if I'm wrong.

I hate a world in which racism and xenophobia is a thing. But I also hate a world in which our diversity (physical and otherwise) cannot be discussed and celebrated.

One of my brother’s ex GF’s and still a friend of mine is mixed race, her DF was black and her mum was white. She never knew her DF.

She had DC in her 20s and has been asked several times by strangers if they’re hers and she always says yes. Her DH and the DC’s DF is white British and he’s never asked this question.

It’s even worse for her as she was brought up to embrace her “white” side as a child, but as she got older she embraced her “black” side. I do recall her being very hurt when as a young woman dating my DB, she went into an Afro Caribbean hair salon to ask for an appointment and got rudely told “we don’t deal with your type of hair!” (Which was long, very curly, unruly and few hair salons knew how to cut it then). So it can go both ways.,

I was wondering (not to excuse Lady Hussey at all!) if Lady Hussey is suffering from dementia, as like you say, she must’ve been in those situations lots of times where tact should be used.

The great thing here is the Royal Family and all the establishment will have to rethink and put into place all their diversity, non bias, inclusion training —which should’ve been there in the first place—.

strike through fail in last sentence always does this on phone!

The poster says he worked there in the 90s and didn’t even speak the language. Sounds like the expats who do a stint in Dubai for a few years.

Ohhhh sweet Jesus!! But actually that is what the subtext of “where are you really from?” always is isn’t it?

Very possibly. It sounded like she was extremely belligerent. She must have been to 100s of similar functions presumably without upsetting too many people.

I think that’s exactly it. My DP is mixed race but to a lot of white people he appears white. He is in fact deeply entrenched in his Trinidadian roots and spent every summer there as a child. If he was asked where he is from he would definitely mention Trinidad in the answer as it is a fundamental part of how he views himself. If someone was to then say “well your not Trinidadian are you, you’re white” and deny his identity then this would be very upsetting (has happened in the past). Ultimately a person’s clear answer on where they are from should supersede any ethnic physical characteristics that they may have because these are ultimately irrelevant.

Interestingly enough, my sheltered white British self was completely floored by going Trinidad and seeing the huge range of ethnic diversity there. Ethnicity is never questioned in the way it would be here. You sound Trini, you’re Trini, end of.

White people who've lived in South Asia for generations would never be accepted as Indian or Pakistani. They would constantly be told they were foreign.

*gleaning not gleaming!

Because asking someone's heritage is usually fine and not taboo at all.... asking where someone is from just cos they have a different skin tone is stupid and racist.

Yes I’d agree that if you’re white then “British” is enough explanation. If you’re Asian then “Japanese” is enough explanation. Otherwise as you say you’d need to expand like “black Japanese” or “white Japanese” or “black British”

because the Japanese as a race are historically Asian and the British as a race are historically, biologically Caucasian.

This, and then asking and asking again if you don't get the right answe. Then when you do get an answer use the opportunity to 'other' the person 'how often do you get back home' 'ah so you ate not fully British!' Etc.

Why can't people just accept that this happens ? This is a thread where we are being invited to speak about our experiences which happen over and over again. Yet people are coming on to say our experiences are wrong or misconstrued somehow??!!

It's too early and it seems I'm too annoyed to write effectively.

If they live there, they're local. It's different if they are visiting as tourists.
I hope this thread has taught you that it is rude and ignorant to ask where people are (really) from when they are going about their day. It singles them out. If you are that interested and open minded as you think, take on board what all of us 'non locals' or non-whites are saying, ask us about what is relevant to the situation do NOT ask us personal questions about our heritage. HTH.

White people who've lived in South Asia for generations would never be accepted as Indian or Pakistani. They would constantly be told they were foreign

And there is no outrage

I guess if you colonised the place and took over then I guess being accepted as locals might be a tad tricky.

In the same way that the French are probably not that accepted in Vietnam.

I'm sure it's tedious and exhausting.
100% racist subtext.

I've experienced it I'm English living in ireland , the only people who push it are the racist fucks because they are delighted to have an opportunity to make you feel shit.
They come back later to egg the house and shout tan cunt go home.

Thank you @CupOfCake for this thread. It's really important for all voices to be heard, despite people still denying it is racist and claiming that it is the same as going on holiday.

I'm mixed race and appear white so generally don't have these experiences, although I have had people do a double take when they see my mother and then delve further into my background. It's not at all the same as having to explain yourself on a frequent basis.

And I'm so sorry for the micro aggressions detailed by @Dotingmumandgranny and @LadyKenya . This is hard to read.

Because asking someone's heritage is usually fine and not taboo at all.... asking where someone is from just cos they have a different skin tone is stupid and racist.

No it's not fine to ask perfect strangers about their heritage, it's intrusive and othering and highly annoying. To all those those curious posters who just want to find out where someone and their family are from: there are thousands of you. As a result we get asked every single day. On the school run, at the doctors, at the shops, sometimes we get asked several times a day. Once my ds was very unwell and his GP, rather than quickly dealing with my Ds's consultation, quizzed me about my surname and accent. My ds ended up in hospital that day as he was so ill and even in these circumstances I had to explain my heritage. Fuck off with that shite.

A few years ago: an older English man and his wife who are maybe in their 60s, on the tube asked me something. I have an accent and answered politely and helpfully. The man asked where I was from. I told him where I was from and also where my mum and dad are from as they're each from a different country. He replied "that is the worst combination ever." 😂

I'm white European looking and indistinguishable from any white English middle class mum and people seem to expect me to be 'from here'. When I speak, it's clear that I have an accent and it is hilarious how many white English people get so put out when they realise that their expectation of me has been betrayed. As son as they realise I am a foreigner, even though I have lived in England for 30 years, they change their attitude and it's obvious they respect me less. Xenophobia is rampant in this country.

Where are you from is a daft question anyway even excluding race
I get asked it because of my accent and never know how to answer
Is it where I was born, because that's Devon
Then they say oh you don't sound like you're from there?
Well no, I was only there a year
Well where did you live after that?
Everywhere from Lancashire to Yorkshire to Oxford!