Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

White British but with dark hair and slightly olive skin. Hasn't happened recently (going grey and being more careful about SPF). Used to happen frequently with people convinced I was foreign normally Spanish/Italian/Greek.

People are so insistent too. I'd tell them I am from my home town then it would be, but have you always lived there (yes apart from three years in Yorkshire for uni). Then it is "but were you born there?" Then where are your parents from, then grandparents, I normally tell them my grandfather was a bit exotic and they get excited and I tell them that he was from the neighbouring county about 20 miles away.

I've had people speaking to me in other languages or not speaking to me because I probably don't speak English.

My Dad who is darker was often treated with suspicion by airport security and asked weird questions like are you visiting family etc.

My MIL is 78 and would (and sadly does) make these types of remarks alongside various other absolute clangers.
I think some of this is her disinhibition, but I wouldn't consider for a moment she should be given the type of responsibility that Lady Hussey had.......

Disinhibition.

My childhood memory of a great grandfather in his 80s was of someone who seemed to be loving, generous and a bit of a tease to someone two years later who was saying things that were uncomfortable and puzzling. Well, that’s me in my 30s now trying to articulate what 8 - 10 year old me was observing. His death followed soon after that and was not linked to mental decline. However, looking back it is clear to me and other family members that he was losing some, but not much, mental capacity. It wasn’t a major change in character, more not holding back the way one tends to to coexist pleasantly with others.

Ehmm @Closuretime my parents are Nigerian and so I am Nigerian and I am also British. I’m not making bold claims neither am I lying 😉

Ehmm @Closuretime my parents are Nigerian and so I am Nigerian and I am also British. I’m not making bold claims neither am I lying 😉

But that’s the point, people are trying to stop her 🙄

The thread is full of people telling her and others to get over it

Even if that is the case, unfortunately there are many younger apologists who appear to share their outlook.
Do we file them all under the "endearing granny" label?

@phoenixrosehere thanks for taking the time to explain - it makes sense. X

What’s endearing about it?

@Sleekgurl you said you are British and you said you tell people you are actually FROM Nigeria.

My Grandparents are Jamaican born and all their kids were born in England. Jamaican is their heritage as is mine.... my aunts and uncles and me are British born so when I meet people I tell them if asked obvious I am from England.

You however were suggesting you are from and born in Nigeria that is lying regardless if your parents are born Nigerians.....

The thing that a lot of people here are missing is that the simple act of asking is highlighting the other person as “other”. The vast majority who are born here don’t want random conversations with strangers constantly pointing out their “other” status.

I know where I come from for at least 5 generations but in the here and now I was born here, this is home. I may look different but I certainly don’t need a stranger to point it out to me etc

Old lady says some racist remarks to me whilst i'm minding my business.

Oh she doesn't mean any harm. She's just an old "endearing" little nana.

It's all good and my feelings aren't hurt at all 😃

So, in which category do we put the younger racists? @PickyEaters

Funny enough, all my racist experiences have never been from endearing nanas so....

I’m not excusing Lady Hussey at all nor I am giving members of the Royal household or elderly people passes on making racist comments due to their ages.

However, I will say, I’ve witnessed racist comments (targeting a specific group of black young women I worked with) from both my white, middle class, female bosses pre covid 19 and George Floyd. After George Floyd our non biased, diversity, incision training ramped up especially as some people quite rightly complained of triggering, micro aggression etc re their race. I brought up what I’d witnessed and been told to act on but in confidence and my white middle class bosses both denied saying what they’d said or insinuated to me to carry out as a white colleague. My bosses then took early retirement. Post George Floyd at between my bringing their behaviour up they were all for promoting BLM and diversity etc in the workplace but I knew exactly what I’d been told (it wasn’t emailed!) and how it came across.

If that’s how two middle class privileged white professionals behaved (I’m white, working/middle class too and privileged) then I don’t doubt at all that institutional racism is endemic (? Correct word?) in the Royal household and other echelons of society etc and the RF etc have to look at all their members of staff and diversity, bias, non bias, inclusion training.

It makes me sad for Meghan Markle too as she must’ve experienced this, I’m not keen on her character in general but if she was targeted and treated negatively then no wonder why she is/was unhappy by this treatment.

My endearing nana who’s been dead since 2013 would have never have made comments like this… she had more tact! But then she owned an employment agency post WW2 so was used to dealing with people from all nationalities etc.

Forget the racism for a moment. She will have been brought up being taught etiquette and suitable behaviour in public. By any measure she was incredibly rude. She will have been taught and known that she was being rude.
Elderly women tend to have been taught better manners than younger people. And yet she ignored that teaching.

Can I ask a genuine question please? If somebody has an accent and is clearly speaking English as a second language, is it still bad to ask them where they are from? I like to ask that question purely because I have an interest in other cultures and languages and have travelled quite a lot so might have been to their home country. I find it a good thing to talk about when in a small talk situation as I'm genuinely interested to hear about it. I don't want to cause offence though and would only ask it based on language and not appearance because clearly appearance has nothing to do with where you're 'from'.

Can I ask a genuine question please? If somebody has an accent and is clearly speaking English as a second language, is it still bad to ask them where they are from?

It's bad form and ignorant.
They get asked a gazillion times. They're not on holiday here to engage in idle chit chat about cultures as seen through a white Anglo-Saxon lens. They are going about their day not wanting to be used as a cultural springboard. My MIL is Italian and has lived here for 50 years, she has raised 4 dc here and still has strong Italian accent. She does not want to be asked about where she is from because she has lived in the UK for 5 decades even if she lived in Italy until the age of 17.

I’m sure it must be annoying. I’m from Edinburgh and the traditional question is where did you go to school which tells you a lot about people, apparently, I went to a rubbish school so I wouldn’t know.

Legally though doesn’t your nationality follow your parents in the UK so you could be born in England but be French or Jamaican etc. Other countries you gain nationality just by being born there Ireland used to but I think the rules have changed there.

Where did you go to school is a class question.

Because of the joys of Empire - my parents and grandparents have always held British passports despite having been born outside the UK.

That's very common amongst Commonwealth migrants

Yes. Find some other small talk to make.

My father has lived in this country for 70 years since moving here as a child i.e. longer than he's lived anywhere else.
he still speaks English with an accent. He would not welcome you asking him where he came from because the story of how he would up in England is not straight forward and (still) quite emotionally difficult for him.
Not to mention that he's won't know whether or not you will follow it up with "why don't you go back there?" so he'll naturally be on edge.

So unless you want the answer "Manchester", then just don't ask him.
It's not something to discuss under the umbrella of small talk.

@sheepdogdelight Ok, noted. Thanks for the reply.

Sure, you are welcome to ask me. Then, please accept my answer, even if it is not what you expected.
Just don't keep trying to get a different answer.

Basically ask me if you want to know where I am from.

If you want to know how come I'm a bit brown but sound English, then that's a different question.

Why would you want to be all up in people's business if you're just meeting them? Would you ask someone for their bank balance when you first meet them? Surely there are other talking points to make good conversation??? I find that very odd and extremely weird.

If you get to know someone and they have an accent, naturally they would most likely tell you whether they're from!

Make other conversation and it will flow!

My Recent Experience

I recently went on a work trip to Germany to see a client and the lady representing the client, I could tell she was Latina backed up with the accent.

From previous virtual conversations I knew for a fact that she lives and is based in Germany and has been for a while because we do have small talks here and there when we have meetings.

I am just meeting her face to face for the very fist time. I never once asked her where she was from and neither did she to me. Naturally, after a while we started talking about kids as we both have toddlers the same age and one convo led to the other and she ended up telling me about how she use to give her toddler coffee and milk because its a normal thing when she was growing up in Colombia and never knew it wasn't a thing here in Europe.

Now imagination I was like our "endeared" Lady what's her face and I had asked her where she's from and she said, Germany. What would be my next question? No where are you really from? Where are your people from?

**Can people really not see how this is just an insane, intrusive line of questioning from complete strangers???

As I said, I would never ask where somebody is from because of their appearance. But I won't ask the question at all in future. It's a shame that racism means that I can't have what should be a positive conversation.