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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not wanting to help family member

180 replies

girlmummy25 · 01/12/2022 08:52

So I have a cousin whose house is in a poor state and the electrics need looking at as the lights keep flicking or not working, turns out could be water damage to the cable.
My cousin doesn't have spare money for the repairs etc and her money is really tight with 4 kids, so my mum has asked my DH whose a qualified electrician (although electrics isnt his job now) to go and have a look and do the repairs for free basically.

My DH has met my cousin maybe once or twice and im not close to my cousin at all really, DH has said no he is too busy and he doesnt do electrics anymore and sounds like it could end up being a big job. Her house is about 35 minute drive too.

Is DH being unreasonable? I dont think so but I believe my mum thinks he should do it?

OP posts:
Valid8me · 01/12/2022 08:57

He is not being unreasonable. Someone he barely knows who has let their house fall into disrepair and possibly needs the whole house rewiring? I'm all for helping out family but this sounds like too big of an ask for me.

Newwardrobe · 01/12/2022 08:57

Does your husband still have the necessary registration to sign off any work he may do ? Like gas engineers have to have ?

Quitelikeit · 01/12/2022 08:59

I think it’s nice to help people out especially in this financial climate

i take it she owns the house otherwise the landlord would have to do it?

failing your husband can’t she get someone out to give her a quote so she knows what is wrong and how much it will cost?

babyjellyfish · 01/12/2022 09:01

I think it would be nice of him to at least go and have a look, check whether there is any immediate danger and assess how much work needs doing, even if he isn't willing to do the work for free.

5foot5 · 01/12/2022 09:06

What would the legal position be if anything went wrong? I don't know how this works but I wonder if practicing electricians gave sone sort of insurance /legal cover? If your DH doesn't have that now I can understand his reluctance.

Apart from that maybe he is best placed to suspect this could be a lengthy and costly job.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 01/12/2022 09:10

I'd imagine he doesn't have the correct insurance etc to do it anymore so no he's not being unreasonable.
Unfortunately your cousin needs to save up - if it's such a issue for your mum surely she can help pay for someone to come out? That's what I'd say.

Gazelda · 01/12/2022 09:14

I think it'd be nice to say he'll go and take a look and see what needs doing, but that he's got too much on so won't be able to do actual work himself.

He could advise her what sort of remedy she needs to get and a ball park figure so she won't get ripped off.

PicaK · 01/12/2022 09:17

He can't be covered legally to do it.
For the good karma the having a look and ball park figure guidance would be a kind thing to do.

jtaeapa · 01/12/2022 09:17

He isn’t being unreasonable.

Tell your mum to pay for an electrician herself to help your cousin out if she want to help.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 01/12/2022 09:20

Not unreasonable. I think going round and suggesting some bits is fine but to do a huge job at your own expense for someone they’ve met twice! No

Shinyandnew1 · 01/12/2022 09:21

Your mum is basically ‘being nice’ by volunteering someone else to fix her niece’s a problem free of charge!

I would be pissed off if my MIL suggested to my DH that I spent hours of time and money on on her niece that I’d only met twice.

Maybe your mum could pay for an electrician if she wants to help.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/12/2022 09:21

I don't think he's unreasonable to say he can't do it - it sounds like a big job, and he isn't working in that area anymore.

I do think it would be good if he can take a look at the house, tell her roughly what needs doing and a very rough estimate of what it should cost. Then she will be in a much better position to contact an electrician, describe the job, and know if their quote seems ok.

Florin · 01/12/2022 09:28

Sounds like a huge job, we had a problem with just our utility room lights and when we had an electrician doing something else we got him to have a look and the lights had to be rewired it cost about £500 just for the lights in one room and that was cash in hand. This sounds like a whole house which is a huge amount of work. It isn’t your Mum’s place to volunteer him especially as he hardly knows your cousin, I don’t blame him for not wanting to do it.

The problem is when you have skills like that if you are not careful you keep getting asked for favours from everyone. If he doesn’t work in that area anymore I doubt he has insurance anyway. I would go with the insurance excuse, it is what my dh uses and most people accept that.

Untitledsquatboulder · 01/12/2022 09:29

Your cousin chose to have 4 kids so now your dh has to give up days of his time - your family time - to rewire her house. Really?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 01/12/2022 09:32

My Dh spends a lot of time doing this sort of stuff for people for free.

He’d do a cousins house without a second thought.

OrigamiOwls · 01/12/2022 09:33

This sounds like it could be a rather big job, too much to expect your DH to manage on his own.
It's easy for your mum to volunteer your DH without her having to actually do anything.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 01/12/2022 09:37

Yanbu. Time is money. He's likely not insured, and if he hasn't been working in the area any more his ball park figure will be way out, as the cost of materials has skyrocketed

monsteronahill · 01/12/2022 09:37

I wouldn't do it in his position either - he's no longer a working electrician. As PP have said, he might not have all of the insurances / registrations to be able to do that sort of work. It sounds like a huge job too - how many evenings and weekends is your mum planning for your DH to spend fixing it? Who's going to pay for materials? Let alone fuel costs for travel.

I think your mum is an absolute CF for asking, if she has any inclination of how much time and money it would cost him to go and fix things.

I'm in a chartered profession - the amount of people who offer up my time to friends / family, because "oh monster is an xxx, she'll take a look for you" "oh monster does xxxx don't worry she'll do yours" etc. It happens so much, your DH needs to be firm and stick to his no!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/12/2022 09:39

My Dh spends a lot of time doing this sort of stuff for people for free.

Your DH is an angel and I wish we had one of him in our family!

purplecorkheart · 01/12/2022 09:43

I doubt legally he would be able to sign off on the paperwork and certainly would not be covered by Insurance. Also it sounds like a massive job that he would not be able to do alone. Does your mother expect him to pay someone to help him. Also as he is no longer working would be have access to the tools required and be able to purchase the equipment needed. Stuff like that could be restricted to Practicing Electricians with Insurance Cover.

MustardCress · 01/12/2022 09:43

Unless there has been a particular falling out or she is a difficult person then I think it would be nice of him to at least have a look and offer what advice he can, what is a priority, cost estimate etc, as I assume he would wish someone to do the same for you or someone in his family if needed.

But it does sound like a big job and if he doesn’t have insurance or up to date certification then that is a legitimate reason. It can also get complicated and time consuming if she wants him to feedback on quotes etc. No good deed goes unpunished etc.

So I think I would be guided by how reasonable your cousin and your mum are to deal with. If they are difficult in general and you don’t sound like you want to be closer to your cousin, then just stick to your reasons of no insurance/certification and don’t get involved.

poefaced · 01/12/2022 09:49

This sounds like a big job potentially, your DH is right not to want to touch it with a bargepole.

And if he isn’t a certified electrician and something goes wrong, your cousin and mum will be on your DH like a ton of bricks.

What help does your mum give you that she thinks justifies asking for such a big favour for a cousin you’re not even close to?

poefaced · 01/12/2022 09:51

(I know you said DH is qualified)

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/12/2022 09:53

If you're not close to them then he is not unreasonable.

pinkyredrose · 01/12/2022 09:53

He is NBU!

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