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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not wanting to help family member

180 replies

girlmummy25 · 01/12/2022 08:52

So I have a cousin whose house is in a poor state and the electrics need looking at as the lights keep flicking or not working, turns out could be water damage to the cable.
My cousin doesn't have spare money for the repairs etc and her money is really tight with 4 kids, so my mum has asked my DH whose a qualified electrician (although electrics isnt his job now) to go and have a look and do the repairs for free basically.

My DH has met my cousin maybe once or twice and im not close to my cousin at all really, DH has said no he is too busy and he doesnt do electrics anymore and sounds like it could end up being a big job. Her house is about 35 minute drive too.

Is DH being unreasonable? I dont think so but I believe my mum thinks he should do it?

OP posts:
maddening · 01/12/2022 09:53

Does your cousin own or rent?

Could your mum pay but ask dh to go along for quotes etc to make sure she isn't ripped off?

KangarooKenny · 01/12/2022 09:54

No. Your mother will be sending him off to look at everyone’s electrics if he says yes to this. Set the president and say no.

poefaced · 01/12/2022 09:55

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/12/2022 09:53

If you're not close to them then he is not unreasonable.

Even if she’s close to them, it’s not unreasonable for him not to want to do it.

It could be re-wiring the whole house. And once he turns up to have a look, cousin will just expect him to do it.

So don’t even agree to him having a look, OP.

Georgeskitchen · 01/12/2022 10:25

I think it's correct that if he no longer has accreditation he won't legally be able to do the work. Legislation is rightly strict about this stuff gas/electric etc.
If something went wrong he could be in very serious trouble.
Too big an ask from someone DP barely knows.
I suppose its reasonable for him to take a look, on the strict understanding that he can't actually do the remedial work.

Is the cousin on benefits? Do the dwp still do interest free emergency loans? I got one when I was a struggling single mum with woodworm in the house although it was 30 years ago

Original poster
girlmummy25 · 01/12/2022 10:25

More info:
He is still insured and equipped to do electrics - he is now a property developer however, he doesnt even do the electrics in his own properties that get built as he just doesnt like it anymore so he pays another electrician to do it.

I get that he could go look and give her an idea of the job & price but then thats just awkward to walk out and not do it or even physically help at all, especially if a room is in darkness how could he just leave. He wouldnt want to do it even if he was paid

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 01/12/2022 10:30

Not your DH’s problem. Whatever assessment or quote he does would still need checking by whoever ends up doing the job. So it’d be a wasted journey and time. Your cousin needs to sort themselves out. Easy for your mum to put on the pressure but she’s not the one getting the hassle.

Ellie56 · 01/12/2022 10:47

DH has said no he is too busy and he doesn't do electrics anymore and sounds like it could end up being a big job.

Just tell your mum and cousin this. He is not being unreasonable.

FictionalCharacter · 01/12/2022 10:52

Your mother is being unreasonable.Nobody should offer someone else's services and say they "should" do it.

lifeinthehills · 01/12/2022 10:57

Just tell them what you said here - DH doesn't do electrics anymore, he doesn't like it and it sounds like a big time commitment for him. He doesn't have that kind of time to spare.

Winter2020 · 01/12/2022 11:54

The circle of people wanting their electrics done for free if you included family, friends and colleagues that you are as close to as this cousin would be absolutely huge - hundreds of people.

Whatever the reality I would just say "DH is no longer insured to do that work so couldn't touch it" - if he doesn't do hands on work how would anyone know any different. Then no one is offended and everyone knows it's a no.

Winter2020 · 01/12/2022 11:56

If money is not tight you could offer to throw £100 in the pot towards getting them fixed and suggest others do the same. I think it would be worth it just to see if people that were volunteering your husbands time for free were as willing to help out when it impacted them.

RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 11:59

The cousin is basically a stranger to him. Why should he be obligated to take on a project that could take entire days of work for free?

I'm on his team

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 12:03

Who is your mum suggesting pays for the materials needed?

mezlou84 · 01/12/2022 12:05

Not being unreasonable at all. It's going to be potentially a huge job with lots of hours work. Plus he would have to do all the work himself since she isn't paying anything at all. When is he going to have the time between family life and his own job us time to relax. I'm assuming she will still need power so he would have to work all hours just to leave it in a safe condition for her to have power back on. It's a domestic property so would need to be part p registered which since he's no longer doing electrics he isn't. He will need alsort of tools and testers which aren't cheap if he already got rid of them. All this for free and you all put out for at least 2wks if not longer. Write down all the reasons including any children not getting to see anything of their dad on paper and stipulate this is why he isn't doing it and you fully agree with his decision xx

Outdoorable · 01/12/2022 12:08

Winter2020 · 01/12/2022 11:56

If money is not tight you could offer to throw £100 in the pot towards getting them fixed and suggest others do the same. I think it would be worth it just to see if people that were volunteering your husbands time for free were as willing to help out when it impacted them.

This was my initial thought too.

As a family you could help your cousin (assuming this is her own properly and not rented) but it really is too much to expect your husband who effectively doesn't know her to give up all this time, for free, do to a job he dislikes so much he pays someone else to do it when he needs it done.

PeekAtYou · 01/12/2022 12:09

He is not unreasonable.

If there's water damage then you'd need someone to fix the reason why there's water damage (eg plumber)
Professionals have insurance for when they do work.

upfucked · 01/12/2022 12:10

Google tells me a re - wire could take 7 days. Not many people have that much spare time. Can he afford to take a week and a half off work to fix someone else’s problem? I don’t know many people who do.

Im with DH on this one.

PeekAtYou · 01/12/2022 12:10

If he goes to quote for the job, it makes it harder to decline further involvement because it looks like nagging pays off.

Sceptre86 · 01/12/2022 12:11

If he doesn't want to do it that's enough of a reason. I don't think you should try to convince him otherwise and if it were me I'd speak to my mum and tell her not to offer dh to do jobs for someone else without speaking to him directly beforehand. At least that way he could say, I don't do electrics anymore,no not confident as has been a while, not got enough time, it's too big a job or whatever reason. She could help pay towards it if family is so important as could you if you wanted to.

Squirrelgate · 01/12/2022 12:11

I cannot afford to work for free at the moment, and I assume it's the same for your DH. Your mum is in the wrong.

rwalker · 01/12/2022 12:12

Your mum is well out of order for volunteering him
if I was him I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole it’s liability written all over it

have a serious word with your mum about volunteering him

theemmadilemma · 01/12/2022 12:12

This is BIL (also electrician) made it a hard rule, no work for family. Yes, that applied to his MIL.

It pissed me off at times, but I get it, otherwise it becomes a 'where does it end' thing.

Dyrne · 01/12/2022 12:14

As others have said a good compromise could be to explain that he can come out and take a look, check it’s not something silly like a wonky fuse; and give a ballpark estimate for what it’ll cost to get fixed so she has an idea of what to save.

In all likelihood even if he did want to fix it he’d need to go round and have a look first then come back later with materials; so expecting him to look and fix in one go wouldn’t really happen anyway.

For the sake of family harmony it might be worth giving up an hour or so of his time so he can give an informed opinion - “I’ve had a look and I’m sorry but it’ll take 5 days of full time work to fix and I can’t manage to take that off work” would go down better than “I’m assuming it’ll be a ballache so I’m not even going to look”.

latetothefisting · 01/12/2022 12:15

Shinyandnew1 · 01/12/2022 09:21

Your mum is basically ‘being nice’ by volunteering someone else to fix her niece’s a problem free of charge!

I would be pissed off if my MIL suggested to my DH that I spent hours of time and money on on her niece that I’d only met twice.

Maybe your mum could pay for an electrician if she wants to help.

This!

Regardless of the truth I'd say his insurance won't cover it. Overegg it - say he could be prosecuted if it went wrong and there will be issues if cousin came to sell it. If they aren't in the trade they won't know the specifics of the legalities.

Maybe say that if he did it he'd have to take x days off work and ask your mum " you realise it would cost dh xxx of lost pay to do this for cousin for free, why do you want your daughter and her family to lose out financially to benefit your neice?"

Say no and then get yourself over the the current cheeky fucker thread to vent!

GerbilsForever24 · 01/12/2022 12:16

I'm always bemused by all the posters who worry about insurance and all the rest. Surely lots of people do little favours for other people without worrying about legal implications!?

he's certainly not required to do it. But I think me or DH would help out in a situation like this. if only to go have a look and give some advice. I mean, it's good to help other people and extended family seems like a perfectly reasonable person to help if you can carve out the time.