DH not wanting to help family member

[girlmummy25]

So I have a cousin whose house is in a poor state and the electrics need looking at as the lights keep flicking or not working, turns out could be water damage to the cable.
My cousin doesn't have spare money for the repairs etc and her money is really tight with 4 kids, so my mum has asked my DH whose a qualified electrician (although electrics isnt his job now) to go and have a look and do the repairs for free basically.

My DH has met my cousin maybe once or twice and im not close to my cousin at all really, DH has said no he is too busy and he doesnt do electrics anymore and sounds like it could end up being a big job. Her house is about 35 minute drive too.

Is DH being unreasonable? I dont think so but I believe my mum thinks he should do it?

If your mother hadn’t got involved, would this have come across your radar?

Ie. Would you even have known about it, and if you had would you have “volunteered your DH for it? Who do you feel the favour is for? Your cousin, your mum or you?

Mums can be very good at this sort of thing. My mother was always “volunteering” others to do things she thought needed fixing.

When my brother and his wife were divorcing, she wanted to give her DIL some money, but she didn’t have any.

So she rang me up and said that when she died she was going to leave DIL £10,000 in her will. But as she didn’t have £10,000, would I give it to my SIl, and I would get the money back when my mother died.

A few points: my mother was perfectly healthy and in her sixties. We didn’t have that sort of free money hanging around, so why she thought we did, I don’t know.

I obviously had to say no, but she still managed to make me feel guilty about it.

As it turned out she lived for another 25 years and didn’t actually leave anything in her will for her former DIL. My inheritance in the end was £20, 000

He’s not being unreasonable. It isn’t a quick 5 min fix.

I get this several times a year with people expecting free advice. It’s less of a hassle than physically fixing something, but still comes from my head and wastes my time.

Worst was SIL’s friend (who I’ve eject met!!) messaging me on WhatsApp saying she’d got my number from SIL who said I’d be able to help!!! I did end up helping. Spent an hour in total talking, reading and advising. No follow up from the friend, no thanks. I followed up a week later and asked how her conversation with her employer had gone. She ended up getting tens of thousands of pounds of additional pay as a result of my help. Never again. I should have directed her to someone else who would have charged 😂

He's not being unreasonable. Your Mum is.

He won't be covered by professional or personal insurance. And won't be able to sign it off. sod for him.

Why are your family not paying for someone to sort this out if you're so worried about it, rather than expecting a freebie?

*never met

Sorry. 'Good for him'. Unfortunate typo.

Could he do it for 'mates' rates?'

The thing is, even if he goes ‘just for a look’, and it’s bad news, the next request will be to ‘just fix it quickly’ for her.

He is NBU to refuse to get involved. He could offer to recommend a reputable firm, but say he cannot look himself.

It would be nice of your husband to do a survey of the electrics, then advise your cousin what needs to be done but not offer to do it. He can say that he has been out of the business for a while and couldn't take on a big job anyway. She's not far away and it is good to help people. We all need a helping hand sometimes.

Tell your mother to butt out.

I get that he could go look and give her an idea of the job & price but then thats just awkward to walk out and not do it or even physically help at all, especially if a room is in darkness how could he just leave.

By making it clear up front that he can’t do the work but he can offer advice and let her know how much it is likely to be and how long it would take/what’s involved so that she doesn’t get ripped off.

And so that he can then tell your Mum that info and she can decide how best to help her niece.

He wouldnt want to do it even if he was paid

that’s the answer then.

he doesn’t want to do it, and that is all there is to it.

perhaps he could recommend an electrician?

He’s stopped being an electrician because he doesn’t like doing it, therefore he’s not an electrician. If he’d been a teacher and left the profession would your mum offer out his tutoring services to every Tom, Dick and Harry? You can’t ask someone to go back and do the worst, most complex task involved in a previous job they’ve had and disliked, for free (actually, at the expense of your daughter and grandchildren as well as the person you’re asking) for a stranger. Baffling that anyone would say you’re unreasonable.

Do you mean we seem to live in a world where some people take no personal responsibility for their life choices and expect others to manage these/pay for things? And if they don't they're in the wrong?

If I was DH I would tell her I don’t have my license (or whatever it is called) so I can’t do any of the work but I can have a look and tell her the problem and approximate cost so she doesn’t get ripped off by some randomer.

I get that he doesn’t have to do this but helping out someone less fortunate by just spending an hour of your time checking it out isn’t much to ask.
Especially if there is water and electricity mixing and she’s essentially living in a very dangerous situation.
And one day he may also need a favour from someone else.

I also don’t get why he hires someone to do the electricity in his own property.
I’ve never heard of this and it’s crazy to even think about unless he is very rich.

Yep, a world where you just say ‘SOMEBODY has to help me because I can’t help myself/I have children/Your time should be free for me’

Surely as a professional he could well have to condemn the whole of the electrics so no point in him looking as that could leave them in a safer but also with no electric and nobody to fix it.

his not being unreasonable to not take on such a task for people he doesn’t know in a role he doesn’t even work in anymore.

how has it got this bad? Surely a plumber or something is needed first to find where and how water got in.

If he’d been a teacher and left the profession would your mum offer out his tutoring services to every Tom, Dick and Harry?

As an ex teacher I would happily give people advice or website links to do with schools that parents may not know.

I wouldn’t tutor random people for free though.

Nog unreasonable at all. He maybe could do a quick assesment of the necessary works, maybe even recommend a good technician het knows (of), but not work for free! Only the sun comes up for free! If he does her house for free - and I don’t see why he should do that - the whole family might be getting in line to have him work on their houses too!

My OH puts his foot down about this.
He has a skill that is in demand, and distant relatives, neighbours, acqaintances all seem to expect him to drop his Saturday morning/Tuesday night afterwork to give his free services.
My mother was the worst at offering her son in law to all and sundry. Somehow he should be grateful at doing 3 hours work for free at a randomer's house.

My mother has just last week offered my clothes to a relative.
Relative lives in a hot country abroad, is coming in the colder months here- my mother said to relative " Don't worry about having to buy warm clothes or coats- speakout can give you her clothes to wear".....
I appreciate the cost of buying stuff, but I don't appreciate my clothes being offered without my consent.
I will do what happened last time relative visited- take her and OH to a good inexpensive charity shop to get kitted out- the clothes can be donated back to the shop after the visit.

Unless there’s a massive backstory that cousin owes you money/ is always asking for favours, or DH isn’t insured (which the OP says he is), I can’t imagine not helping out, even a distant family member, in these circumstances. But obviously it’s your DH’s time and he’s within his rights to say no - just seems a bit mean when she’s in such a touch situation and it’s impacting her kids.

I dont think it's unreasonable.
Your dh could say that he doesn't do that kind of work anymore but can recommend a good electrician who can come and give her a quote.
If your cousin is genuinely struggling and the house is unsafe, then I do think it would be a really kind thing to do.
I know lots of people don't believe in being charitable any more but there's always a need.

I can't stand it when people do this! They volunteer someone to do a job then sit back & and take all the credit when what they've actually done is put some poor soul in a spot, saddled with a job they didn't ask for or feeling bad because they've said no! It's so unfair! I would tell hubby not to get involved. YANBU no way!

I think part of the problem about doing these jobs is that you end up with "ownership" of the situation.
So OP your OH may do the jo, but then it is a drip of constant snagging and further work.
My OH helped a few neighbours in our last village, ( He is PC/IT skilled)
Once the job was done- and usually a bottle of wine is the currency ( for 3 or 4 hours work), then OH was forever responsible- texts asking for upgrades/ anti virus software/ firewalls/ installation of new programmes.
We moved, and I don't think our neighbours even know what his work is now.

You really can't understand that the OPs husband has a busy job already and doesn't have the time to take on a potentially big job?
Do you take time off work to do jobs for free and supply all the necessary materials?

Exactly! The person offering the favour gets all the brownie points and thanks, not the poor mug who has to do the work.

I’m with others. Unless he has the current accreditation to sign off on the work and is protected if anything goes wrong, I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole, so there’s his reason - not an excuse, a reason, to refuse.