DH not wanting to help family member

[girlmummy25]

So I have a cousin whose house is in a poor state and the electrics need looking at as the lights keep flicking or not working, turns out could be water damage to the cable.
My cousin doesn't have spare money for the repairs etc and her money is really tight with 4 kids, so my mum has asked my DH whose a qualified electrician (although electrics isnt his job now) to go and have a look and do the repairs for free basically.

My DH has met my cousin maybe once or twice and im not close to my cousin at all really, DH has said no he is too busy and he doesnt do electrics anymore and sounds like it could end up being a big job. Her house is about 35 minute drive too.

Is DH being unreasonable? I dont think so but I believe my mum thinks he should do it?

Say to your mum, "Mum, DH thinks you should pay for those repairs" and see what she says. She wouldn't see it as her responsibility and yet she's related to the woman. Your husband barely knows her.

He could just say he hasn't time to do the actual job so it wouldn't make any sense him looking at it. He's rusty as it's nit something he does anymore. But he could put her on to a good electrician

I’d probably go and take a look and maybe ‘disgnose’ the problem, but I’d laugh in your mother’s face if she expected me to rewire the house for nothing.

Why even waste time with diagnosing the problem? Simpler not to get involved.

My Dad trained as an electrician and although he ended up as factory management/works engineer, he loved doing the practical stuff. After he retired half the village got a free, immaculate rewire (DM most miffed as the house they brought us up in had the original Edwardian stuff, he was always working)

The operative words here are "retired" and "loved" I think. It is potentially a very big job and I think your DM has was very wrong to volunteer him.

Erm. No! Leave Well alone!

I have some experience in " cousins" you don't know very well......there's usually a reason. 😂

Not only is he right, a full re wire can take several sparkys a week to do at least, and even down the road that's a huge ask...but 35 minutes and money to earn for his family. No! Just no.

CAB can help with grants and homeowner help with repairs that are essential to both energy efficiency and health and safety.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/moving-and-improving-your-home/help-with-home-improvements/

YABU

Is it completely unreasonable to help out? Could DH not look at it 'for charity's sake'? In a world where you could be anything, why not be kind?

DH could make it clear that he's only having a look and will advise the best way forward... Even that would be better than just turning a blind eye on a needy relative

I hire sparks to do my electrical work at home because quite plainly I don't want to do it. I've never done domestic work, though I'm more than capable.

How was that comment 'horrible'?

Be a wether you have none, 1 or 4 children circumstances can change dramatically meaning that you can face hardship you were not expecting

Because

In a world where you can be anything, be responsible.

babyjellyfish · Today 09:01
I think it would be nice of him to at least go and have a look, check whether there is any immediate danger and assess how much work needs doing, even if he isn't willing to do the work for free“

I agree. He must also know of reliable people to recommend and will know if the quotes are fair.

Your mother has a brass neck!

So we should all give everyone anything they want because "circumstances can charge" 🤔

Why is someone not putting their own hands in their pockets to pay for THEIR own home, become someone else's problem??

Is your cousin’s kids’ dad in the picture? Can’t he contribute? What about your cousin’s parents? Not sure why your mum thinks it’s your DH’s responsibility when it sounds like a huge task for a stranger. That’s time, energy and money he’s using when I bet he wants to relax after working all day.

Your mother is an interfering CF.

She has no business commandeering other people’s time and money.

Just say that he is absolutely snowed under with work and desperate to get everyone’s deadlines. And he can’t afford to turn down paid work or work for free due to massive cost increases.

Has your Mum actually said to your cousin that he will help? Ask her most emphatically not to make promises that she can’t take personal responsibility for fulfilling. If she can’t turn out in person with her tool box she needs to STFU.

No obviously not, but in my family and my community if people can help others they do. If he doesn’t want to that is fine however to berate the woman for struggling and having 4 children is not nice. I really wonder if people come on here being nasty and get some strange kick out of arguing with posters

In my community it is also the norm to help, but I don't think I've ever lived in a place where a week's free work is considered a reasonable request!

My comment was initially aimed at someone being mean about the lady having 4 kids, then I was more referring to people commenting that he could go round and see what the issue is. At no point have I said people should do a weeks work for someone for free

Doesn't everybody know that "circumstances can change" though? It's not exactly unheard of. And 4 kids is v, v expensive whether they change or not.

If her electrics have water in them then she needs to call the electric company on thier emergency number, they'll send someone out asap.

but in my family and my community if people can help others they do

By offering THEIR OWN services - yes. But put the "helping" where it belongs, with the OP's mother. In my community you don't offer other people's services for free and think that is acceptable. You offer your own!

I can see why he's unwilling/uneasy about it. It sounds like one of those "no good deed goes unpunished" situations where a quick visit to advise could quickly snowball. If the electrics are dangerous or barely functional he'd have difficulty, professionally and morally, walking away from it.

I'm a solicitor and I've fallen into the trap too many times of agreeing to help someone out by having a quick look at a legal issue and it ends up taking hours and hours of my free time when I've already worked a 50+ hour week. A lit of the time I got very little in the way of thanks too. Nowadays I only agree to certify documents (which takes just a few minutes) and only do more substantial work for people I know well and who won't take the piss/would also do me favours if I asked.

If I were OH I'd say there's no way I can take on the work but I'll have a look so you know what you're dealing with. I couldn't ignore the fact that 4 kids could be in danger and I ignored it.