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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH not wanting to help family member

180 replies

girlmummy25 · 01/12/2022 08:52

So I have a cousin whose house is in a poor state and the electrics need looking at as the lights keep flicking or not working, turns out could be water damage to the cable.
My cousin doesn't have spare money for the repairs etc and her money is really tight with 4 kids, so my mum has asked my DH whose a qualified electrician (although electrics isnt his job now) to go and have a look and do the repairs for free basically.

My DH has met my cousin maybe once or twice and im not close to my cousin at all really, DH has said no he is too busy and he doesnt do electrics anymore and sounds like it could end up being a big job. Her house is about 35 minute drive too.

Is DH being unreasonable? I dont think so but I believe my mum thinks he should do it?

OP posts:
DisappearingGirl · 01/12/2022 13:54

Would the electrician who works for your DH have time to take it on? Presumably your DH knows he is trustworthy, competent etc.

If so could he give a quote, and then your cousin and wider family can see if you can all afford to chip in to pay for it?

FatOaf · 01/12/2022 13:58

he just doesnt like it anymore so he pays another electrician to do it.

How old is he? I've done a lot of DIY electrics in my time (but would be reluctant to do anyone else's without knowing what effect it would have on their house insurance). I find it quite difficult now because my near vision has deteriorated so much with age..

LimeTwists · 01/12/2022 14:01

He’s not being unreasonable - he barely knows them and they’ve only bothered to get in touch with him for a freebie. I think that’s pretty cheeky: they are using him. This guilt trip suggests that it’s his duty to work for free for people he barely knows. It’s not fair to put their inability to pay for household work on him and somehow make it all about him being mean! Why does he owe her free work when he’s only met her once or twice and she never bothers with him at any other time?

dawngreen · 01/12/2022 14:05

Which room has the problems? any electrics done for a kitchen or bathroom need to be legal.

BigglyBee · 01/12/2022 14:07

My husband worked in the building trade for many years and even now (at the age of 71!) he is asked for favours as big as this one. He always refuses, because long and tedious experiences taught him that once you open the door, in some people's minds that makes you responsible for their problem.

I have called in favours to get good tradesmen to repair my house. However, the favour is that they come at all, I always pay them. Good tradespeople are busy, and often booked up many months in advance. No matter how hard up I was (and I also have 4 kids and financial problems), I would never ask someone to work for me for free. Sometimes my DH exchanges work with his nephew (one fits windows for the other, then has his roughcasting done for free, that sort of thing), but that way they both gain.

brianixon · 01/12/2022 14:10

Every Christmas needs a Scrooge.
It is perfectly sensible that he doesn't do the work. All kinds of reasons.
But not to go and look and advise is a bit mean.
Leaving the poor woman to stew. Not Right

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/12/2022 14:12

babyjellyfish · 01/12/2022 09:01

I think it would be nice of him to at least go and have a look, check whether there is any immediate danger and assess how much work needs doing, even if he isn't willing to do the work for free.

This is a really difficult one. On the surface I'd second this suggestion - I wouldn't like to think of children being in a dangerous situation.

The problem is, if he then can't/won't do any necessary work he will end up being the bad guy (and the point about insurance etc is a good one, even if he fancied doing the job, which he doesn't).

It might also mean that if the electrics are in a dangerous state, he would feel obliged to report it to "someone" *, and that her electricity would be turned off. Again he would be the bad guy. I think he's wise to keep out of it TBH.

*I don't know who - but I'll bet there's some authority out there somewhere.

butterfliedtwo · 01/12/2022 14:16

Your mum is basically ‘being nice’ by volunteering someone else to fix her niece’s a problem free of charge!

Your mother is the unreasonable one here not your husband.

RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 14:19

But not to go and look and advise is a bit mean.
Leaving the poor woman to stew. Not Right

@brianixon why is OP's husband responsible for a virtual stranger? Is it his fault in any way that this lady is broke? Is he the baby daddy to those 4 kids?

No? Then he's just as responsible for her problem as you or me.

JudgeJ · 01/12/2022 14:30

Miajk · 01/12/2022 12:59

Jesus Christ what is the world coming to.

Is this really who we are as a society now? Won't even help our own family because "time is money"?

I think this is pretty awful OP and I don't really understand why he can't at least try to help.

Show quote history

But in the world of grown ups then time is money when one is expected to provide services for free to some random person, eg a cousin hardly known which would involve taking time from a working day.

mushroom3 · 01/12/2022 14:33

If an escape of water has damaged your cousin's electrics, maybe she could get it fixed via her household insurance.

GnomeDePlume · 01/12/2022 14:41

This work sounds like it is likely to be a major job quite possibly ending up as a full rewire plus possibly a plumbing job to sort the leak that has caused the problem.

Full rewire will be costly in materials and time. Materials alone will be in the hundreds.

Is it possible that DM doesn't understand the work involved and thinks it is just tightening up a few light switches?

DH used to be a qualified electrician plus skilled handyman. He hates doing work for my DM as she assumes that once he has fitted something that he takes on responsibility for it for ever more.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 01/12/2022 14:43

It's easy to offer other people's time and money but how many people can really afford to work for free?

Firstly, she offered his services without speaking to him first.

Assumes he has the time.

Assumes he can afford to finance it.

Assumes he wants to do it.

What happens if she needs more help or your mother does, it will be expected that he'll do it and for free.

Don't offer money either, the best thing to do is offer contacts of an electrician he trusts.

I say that as someone whose been taken advantage of after a one off offer turned into an expectation to help whenever needed.

BigglyBee · 01/12/2022 14:43

PP made a point I hadn't considered- if he discovered something dangerous, would he have a legal obligation to either report the fault or disconnect the supply somehow?

Twopeasinthesamepod · 01/12/2022 14:47

Having a look and advising her would be a kind thing to do.

Beautiful3 · 01/12/2022 14:48

If they were family, hard up and close to me, I'd ask him to help out. Not if we didn't really know them/be close to them. Just tell the truth, that he's too busy with work, and weekends are important for rest & family time. If he did go, he could make it safe, and give her lights in important areas. However it could be the whole house needs rewiring, and that's a big job.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 01/12/2022 14:49

He'd have an obligation to turn off and lock the supply to the circuit if it was deemed deadly. I wouldn't want to risk being put in that position.

Water damage to a electrical cable means the water needs sorting first, the wires need redoing, the walls would then need replastering and the room redecorating. This isn't a simple job

loislovesstewie · 01/12/2022 14:50

Are you sure the flickering isn't the main fuse going? That isn't an electricians job, but is covered by the powergrid company? ( Just had to sort this for a neighbour, however I will say that they wouldn't touch it until an electrician had given a certificate of compliance!)

Cherrysoup · 01/12/2022 15:01

Why does your mum think he should do as she says? Were it a close family member you see a lot, maybe, otherwise, no.

GnomeDePlume · 01/12/2022 15:02

BigglyBee · 01/12/2022 14:43

PP made a point I hadn't considered- if he discovered something dangerous, would he have a legal obligation to either report the fault or disconnect the supply somehow?

Unless things have changed recently, unlike gas engineers, electricians can't condemn electrical installations.

They can advise that something is unsafe and that it shouldn't be used but no more than that.

The problem with electrical work is that so much of it is hidden. The issues could be caused by old damaged cables (the insulation on cable can perish over time). Or it could be some dodgy DIY. It could be an appliance which is at fault.

Once an electrician starts work they can end up taking on responsibility for the whole circuit they are working on.

DH hated doing small jobs because fitting a new socket could then lead onto having to do much more extensive work than the customer wanted. Of course then they think they are being scammed because the neighbour's cousin's cat will do the job for a tin of Whiskers. Never mind that it hasn't been properly tested.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/12/2022 15:03

Your mother is being unreasonable.Nobody should offer someone else's services and say they "should" do it

This ^^

I was another who thought "Maybe he could look and advise rather than actually do the job", but realistically I doubt she'd be happy with that and then he's the bad guy for refusing - so much simpler to just say no in the first place

DogInATent · 01/12/2022 15:06

Unless things have changed recently, unlike gas engineers, electricians can't condemn electrical installations.
Yes, they can.
I had to call an electrician out to a fault, and it resulted in the house being disconnected until it was fixed. It's entirely down to the nature of the fault.

Harry12345 · 01/12/2022 15:08

Untitledsquatboulder · 01/12/2022 09:29

Your cousin chose to have 4 kids so now your dh has to give up days of his time - your family time - to rewire her house. Really?

Honestly! Are people just horrible nowadays or only on this site?

Inkyblue123 · 01/12/2022 15:09

thars Super cheeky and your husband is not being unreasonable at all.

Cruisebabe1 · 01/12/2022 15:10

DunkingMyDonuts · 01/12/2022 12:46

Is DH being unreasonable? I dont think so but I believe my mum thinks he should do it?

I just love these people who offer other people's time for free - where do they get off being such organising "do gooders"?!

Tell your mum to put her hand in her own pocket and pay someone herself if she is that bothered

Exactly. My MIL used to do this promise people that her husband would drive them here and there. It stopped when FIL refused and she had to go back and say no.