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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not wanting to help family member

180 replies

girlmummy25 · 01/12/2022 08:52

So I have a cousin whose house is in a poor state and the electrics need looking at as the lights keep flicking or not working, turns out could be water damage to the cable.
My cousin doesn't have spare money for the repairs etc and her money is really tight with 4 kids, so my mum has asked my DH whose a qualified electrician (although electrics isnt his job now) to go and have a look and do the repairs for free basically.

My DH has met my cousin maybe once or twice and im not close to my cousin at all really, DH has said no he is too busy and he doesnt do electrics anymore and sounds like it could end up being a big job. Her house is about 35 minute drive too.

Is DH being unreasonable? I dont think so but I believe my mum thinks he should do it?

OP posts:
DogInATent · 01/12/2022 12:46

Fink · 01/12/2022 12:41

A lot of the AIBU questions, including this one, aren't really about whether it's 'reasonable' or not. He doesn't owe your cousin this favour, so it's not unreasonable of him to refuse, but in my family it's certainly something we would do for each other. It's not about reason, it's about just helping family out, not because you have to but because you can and it would make their lives easier.

That said, I agree with pp that a quick assessment of how bad the damage is and what sort of repairs she needs would be enough to start with. If it turned out to be a huge job which would take days of full-time labour, then that would be beyond the call of family loyalty.

How far do you stretch 'family' though? The OP states it's not a particularly close cousin.

Shoxfordian · 01/12/2022 12:47

He’s not being unreasonable at all- maybe you could suggest some electricians he’s used to help her

purplecorkheart · 01/12/2022 12:49

GerbilsForever24 · 01/12/2022 12:30

@Florin okay, fine. But it still seems weird to me. In my broader circle of family and friends, someone doing a small favour is not considered a potentially legal issue. BIL helped me with an accounting issue - he didn't worry that if it turned out to be wrong, I'd want to claim the money from him. DH's buddy came and helped lay some flooring - no one worried about what happens if it wasn't perfect. Dh's view is that he was just grateful for the help. And I assume the buddy's view was that qrankly, he knows what he's doing so he's not concerned.

When all the fences went down in those storms a few years ago, one of the neighbours helped all the other neighbours to fix them as he does this for a living. He was paid in beer mostly. He didn't worry that if it wasn't perfect people were going to be hounding him with pitchforks.

But each to their own.

Ok, yes but in your example only you are impacted if your accountant makes an mistake. In this case depending if it is an terrace house or semi detached say if something he did caused a fire that damaged the neighbour's house instead.

I don't think anyone should volunteer someone else for a job without them knowing and agreeing.

Fink · 01/12/2022 12:50

DogInATent · 01/12/2022 12:46

How far do you stretch 'family' though? The OP states it's not a particularly close cousin.

Show quote history

Personally, up to about second cousins, great uncles and aunts etc. But a lot of them aren't local enough to make that a meaningful commitment. I wouldn't go more than about 45 minutes each way unless it were for immediate family or a real emergency.

Teeturtle · 01/12/2022 12:50

GerbilsForever24 · 01/12/2022 12:30

@Florin okay, fine. But it still seems weird to me. In my broader circle of family and friends, someone doing a small favour is not considered a potentially legal issue. BIL helped me with an accounting issue - he didn't worry that if it turned out to be wrong, I'd want to claim the money from him. DH's buddy came and helped lay some flooring - no one worried about what happens if it wasn't perfect. Dh's view is that he was just grateful for the help. And I assume the buddy's view was that qrankly, he knows what he's doing so he's not concerned.

When all the fences went down in those storms a few years ago, one of the neighbours helped all the other neighbours to fix them as he does this for a living. He was paid in beer mostly. He didn't worry that if it wasn't perfect people were going to be hounding him with pitchforks.

But each to their own.

But as has been mentioned, this isn’t a small favour, it is potentially a huge job and one that could have serious consequences if something goes wrong. I was going to comment when I saw your first post, that I am an accountant and whilst I would happily share directional / broad tips, I would not offer free advice on say estate planning or how somebody should structure their growing business empire. It feels like this electrical job is more like those large accounting jobs and in any case, nobody dies if the accounting is wrong.

AndEverWhoKnew · 01/12/2022 12:52

It's not UR but it's not particularly nice or kind either. He could easily have a look and then let her know what she would expect if she called in a qualified electrician. I imagine part of the issue is that she doesn't know if it's a small job or a big one. Flickering lights and/or water damage could be a small or large job depending on the current system and where the ingress is.
Your DH doesn't have to do it. Your DM doesn't have to be happy that he's said no.

OvertiredandConfused · 01/12/2022 12:53

If you want to show willing maybe he could offer to be there when someone goes to price the job - make sure it’s a fair price and provide moral support. But no obligation to do any work, let alone for free. “Sorry, no I can’t” is a perfectly appropriate response

HotDogJumpingFrogHaveACookie · 01/12/2022 12:53

As an aside, electricians do not have to be registered or certified in any way. Building Control will issue certs if your spark isn't registered with the likes of NICEIC for about £150. And the requirement to certify certain works only applies to domestic premises.

It is pretty much an unregulated profession. The only requirement is that someone should be able to demonstrate competence in court if it goes tits up.

In the industry, we have been campaigning for regulation for many years.

AffIt · 01/12/2022 12:56

The problem is that if you have a skill (I work in IT, for example), people can be exceptionally 'kind' when it comes to volunteering your time.

My mother got a bit handy at this for a while until I put my foot down.

I don't mind setting up some cables or giving the odd bit of advice over the phone, but the day a friend of hers asked me to go to their place 40 minutes away to set up a new smart lighting system (something I don't even really know anything about!) was the day I decided that enough was enough.

I do my job five days a week for money, I don't particularly want to spend another two days doing it for free!

I'm with your husband on this - it sounds like a large and complicated job for somebody he barely knows and I think it's better that he doesn't get involved.

The best way to help might to pass on the details of some trusted tradespeople he knows / works with?

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 01/12/2022 12:57

I'm self employed. I don't do any work for free. And it's 35 minutes away!

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/12/2022 12:57

upfucked · 01/12/2022 12:10

Google tells me a re - wire could take 7 days. Not many people have that much spare time. Can he afford to take a week and a half off work to fix someone else’s problem? I don’t know many people who do.

Im with DH on this one.

Years ago, we paid my brother-in-law (a qualified electrician) to rewire our house. On day 2 (it was about a week's work as he as doing it alone), he was having a coffee in the garden when our elderly neighbours asked who he was and he told them. They promptly asked if he would take a look at their electrics as they were having problems.

He did - and spent 3 days working - for FREE - on their house as he felt obliged, etc etc.

Meanwhile, we spent 3 days without fucking power and then the additional 6 days waiting for him to finish our house for which we fucking paid.

The OP's mother had no business offering her son-in-law's labour for free.

Miajk · 01/12/2022 12:59

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 01/12/2022 09:37

Yanbu. Time is money. He's likely not insured, and if he hasn't been working in the area any more his ball park figure will be way out, as the cost of materials has skyrocketed

Jesus Christ what is the world coming to.

Is this really who we are as a society now? Won't even help our own family because "time is money"?

I think this is pretty awful OP and I don't really understand why he can't at least try to help.

ColdHandsHotHead · 01/12/2022 12:59

If your mum is so keen to help your cousin, she can pay.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 01/12/2022 13:00

Winter2020 · 01/12/2022 11:56

If money is not tight you could offer to throw £100 in the pot towards getting them fixed and suggest others do the same. I think it would be worth it just to see if people that were volunteering your husbands time for free were as willing to help out when it impacted them.

Interesting idea😁....

In previous career I was often volunteered to 'help' /advise distant family /friends of friends.... I was completely OK (mostly) IF I could do it remotely and it would take 15 mins... This happened once or twice.... If I spent 15 mins advising folk... They often wanted another several hours help.... I would say I could recommend some colleagues (who would want to be paid proper rates....) but no, they wanted MY (free) help! I also wouldn't be insured for this several hours work which also made it impossible.

Several of these people... I later discovered.... Despite claiming 'no money' they would let slip re their new car /4 bed house.... (I drive a very elderly Citroën /live in one bed apartment....)

The worse one.... Put myself out massively for a friend of friend accessing hospital oncology.... Took day and halfof my time at very late notice. ...

Several weeks later she refused to help me on a task that would take less than an hour.... She got really narked when she wanted more help.... It wasn't tit for tat... Just her general using me as free help....and zero willingness to reciprocate in ANY way...

Spent lots of hours mentoring /tutoring a mature student.... Who was ill /couldnt afford ANY amount of money to pay... I was daft... Discover recently she paid out 14k on a wedding in August.....

There are plenty of people who have no issue using you...

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 01/12/2022 13:01

I'd be telling your mum to look at some YouTube tutorial videos and buying some tools, if she's that eager to help she can have a crack at it herself

poefaced · 01/12/2022 13:02

Miajk · 01/12/2022 12:59

Jesus Christ what is the world coming to.

Is this really who we are as a society now? Won't even help our own family because "time is money"?

I think this is pretty awful OP and I don't really understand why he can't at least try to help.

Show quote history

It’s someone her DH has only met once or twice, and Op Is not close to her at all.

As Winter says, The circle of people wanting their electrics done for free if you included family, friends and colleagues that you are as close to as this cousin would be absolutely huge - hundreds of people.

ohthehorrorthehorror · 01/12/2022 13:04

No he's not being unreasonable at all.
My dad had form for this type of thing. He asked me to translate a letter for a friend, which I did. He was then asking me to translate pamphlets and a short book, all for free. He wasn't pleased when I said that I would charge the same as the local university's translation service, which at the time was £70 an hour, but I wasn't pleased at being taken for a mug, which is what your mum is doing to your DH.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/12/2022 13:04

We have a good friend who is an electrician, we had a few odd jobs that we needed done and we approached him to ask if he had a recommendation…. Even being prepared to pay we wouldn’t have asked him to do the work. I don’t like mixing business and family/friends. Too much room for things to go wrong. Your DH sounds very smart to say no.

Penguinsaregreat · 01/12/2022 13:05

I think the best thing to say is Dh no longer does sort of electrical work. He doesn’t even do his own electrics anymore. It’s been so long that he is out of the loop on current regulations. Then leave it at that.
Years ago I had an ex who had a certain vehicle. The number of people ( not even family) who took the Michael asking him to help them, then never ever paying him or even paying for the fuel it cost was ridiculous. Many didn’t even make him a drink whilst he was working for free.
It was me who put a stop to it in the end.

DogInATent · 01/12/2022 13:06

He could easily have a look and then let her know what she would expect if she called in a qualified electrician

He is a qualified electrician. I don't think people realise that if the cousin has allowed her house to fall into disrepair and there's water in the electric, the husband may have no professional option except to immediately cut off the electrical supply to the home for safety reasons once he sees it.

What then? - is he going to be held to carrying out potentially thousands of pounds of repairs for free because it's extended family? And what about his own business whilst he's doing this?

2bazookas · 01/12/2022 13:08

He's not unreasonable to refuse liability for any related problems/risks in the home of a stranger.

If it's a rented home then the landlord is legally obliged to maintain safe electrical services

HamBone · 01/12/2022 13:09

It would be nice for your DH to take a look and let her know the extent of the issues- but he should absolutely say they he can’t do the work himself as his skills are out-of-date and he’s not insured. He can’t take risks with electrics, it’s not like fixing a dripping tap.

He could also recommend someone reliable…and as a PP suggested, perhaps other family members could pitch in and help pay for it…it would be interesting to see whether they would.

diddl · 01/12/2022 13:09

Jesus Christ what is the world coming to.

Is this really who we are as a society now? Won't even help our own family because "time is money"?

Well surely Op's husband isn't the only one who could help in some way?

Hankunamatata · 01/12/2022 13:16

She can claim on her house insurance if its water damage

Greenfairydust · 01/12/2022 13:17

If he is no longer working as an electrician he doesn't have a current professional registration/insurance so it actually would be a big issue if he was to do some repairs and something went wrong. There would some serious legal consequences for him .

So I am afraid I would say no as well in his shoes just because of the legal aspect.

Especially this sounds like it could be a big job rather than something that can just be quickly fixed.

Your mother should not have offered his services before having a chat with him first.

If she owns her own home and made the choice to have 4 kids I assume she and any partner she has/had also gave some thoughts as to how she was going to maintain her home and provide for her family?