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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not wanting to help family member

180 replies

girlmummy25 · 01/12/2022 08:52

So I have a cousin whose house is in a poor state and the electrics need looking at as the lights keep flicking or not working, turns out could be water damage to the cable.
My cousin doesn't have spare money for the repairs etc and her money is really tight with 4 kids, so my mum has asked my DH whose a qualified electrician (although electrics isnt his job now) to go and have a look and do the repairs for free basically.

My DH has met my cousin maybe once or twice and im not close to my cousin at all really, DH has said no he is too busy and he doesnt do electrics anymore and sounds like it could end up being a big job. Her house is about 35 minute drive too.

Is DH being unreasonable? I dont think so but I believe my mum thinks he should do it?

OP posts:
Emmelina · 01/12/2022 12:16

Asking a favour of a qualified electrician family member is getting them to change a plug socket or swap a light fitting. This sounds like an enormous, expensive and time-consuming job. They were being cheeky to ask to be honest!

if she owns the house, the insurance needs to get involved. If she doesn’t, then LL or housing association need to step up.

Greydogs123 · 01/12/2022 12:19

I think the most that can be asked of him is to have a look at the problem and give an idea what the problem is and let your cousin know whether it’s likely to be a big job. He should not be asked to do the job, especially if he’s no longer covered legally to do so.

cleanfreak12345 · 01/12/2022 12:22

I'm with your DH. He doesn't know your DC and it sounds like you barely do too

RealBecca · 01/12/2022 12:22

I'd say to mum that it sounds like a great chance to get the family together. You and DH have saturday mornings free so you can pick her up on the way and all.go round together and spend time reuniting.

See how keen she is when there is effort needed on her part and go from there.

1FootInTheRave · 01/12/2022 12:23

This is a massive ask and your mum is a cheeky cow.

I'd be very very pissed off tbh.

AtTheStream · 01/12/2022 12:23

I think to expect someone who is self employed to spend weeks of their own time and cost to fix such a serious issue isn’t fair. However it sounds like her house is dangerous and there’s 4 kids there. How would you feel if something happened?
Your husband could at least look and price up the job to make sure she doesn’t get ripped off. He could also recommend a trusted tradesman. Also give her an idea of how dangerous it is. Then I think it’s the more immediate family’s job to raise the funds somehow?

Florin · 01/12/2022 12:23

GerbilsForever24 · 01/12/2022 12:16

I'm always bemused by all the posters who worry about insurance and all the rest. Surely lots of people do little favours for other people without worrying about legal implications!?

he's certainly not required to do it. But I think me or DH would help out in a situation like this. if only to go have a look and give some advice. I mean, it's good to help other people and extended family seems like a perfectly reasonable person to help if you can carve out the time.

No my husband refuses to do it as he is chartered and only insured through his company so not insured if it’s not a company job. If something went wrong he could lose his chartership which would mean losing his career and job followed by our house as he is the main wage earner, not really worth it for a few small favours for family and friends, he will always point them in the right direction of where to get help though.

wombat1a · 01/12/2022 12:24

No way I'd look at that, it sounds a nightmare situation that the more you look the more problems you'll find and next thing you know you'll be asked to find another sparky, negotiate with them, check it over later and it'll come to days of work for someone you don't even know.

No stay well away from this and let her deal with people directly.

RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 12:28

However it sounds like her house is dangerous and there’s 4 kids there. How would you feel if something happened?

Not OP's responsibility. Entirely the parents' responsibility. Sounds like the cousin had more kids than she could comfortably afford. Who's fault is that?

DogInATent · 01/12/2022 12:28

I'm with your husband on this one.

This sort of 'favour' is likely to turn into a long, involved job and taking the blame for either the original problem or it taking so long to fix. Not helped by family members wading in and claiming it's only a simple job, when they're naively blind with absolutely no idea what could be involved.

RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 12:28

Whose fault *

Stressybetty · 01/12/2022 12:29

Yeah horrible having someone else nominate you for jobs. My ex MIL told exSIL I would sort out reporting her company car tax and updating her tax code for her. Erm no!

GerbilsForever24 · 01/12/2022 12:30

@Florin okay, fine. But it still seems weird to me. In my broader circle of family and friends, someone doing a small favour is not considered a potentially legal issue. BIL helped me with an accounting issue - he didn't worry that if it turned out to be wrong, I'd want to claim the money from him. DH's buddy came and helped lay some flooring - no one worried about what happens if it wasn't perfect. Dh's view is that he was just grateful for the help. And I assume the buddy's view was that qrankly, he knows what he's doing so he's not concerned.

When all the fences went down in those storms a few years ago, one of the neighbours helped all the other neighbours to fix them as he does this for a living. He was paid in beer mostly. He didn't worry that if it wasn't perfect people were going to be hounding him with pitchforks.

But each to their own.

billy1966 · 01/12/2022 12:30

This is not a fix a switch/plug job that someone could help out.

It sounds like it could be a large job.

Your mother is rude to presume on your husbands time in this way.

This is not going to be a quick fix and your husband knows it.

WB205020 · 01/12/2022 12:31

If it was limited to 1 light in 1 room it would be pretty easy to diagnose however from what you say it is multiple lights. This usually means its on a circuit. Best case its a dodgy connection in a socket on that circuit which means looking at each socket and making sure the wires are securely connected.

Worst case it would be tracing the problem......potentially finding hidden connection point within a wall. It could also be mice nibbling through wires, or water damage as you say.

If its multiple lights as you say then the circuit needs looking at. Average electrician hourly rate is £40 / £300 a day. It would be several hours / days work to find the issue and resolve it which could be a partial rewire of the damaged section or from the board through each socket / switch.

I dont blame you DH for not wanting to visit......he could be opening pandoras box as even if he did the work for free the material alone would be expensive for a partial rewire.

Fireflybaby · 01/12/2022 12:36

I just love it when family members volunteer other family members to do a certain job and feel entitled that this happens too! Pronto!

Mmm No! If cousin needs repairs , cousin can have a chat with you and ask for advice/ help directly... ask mum to keep her nose out of it.

HappyHamsters · 01/12/2022 12:36

If its water in the cable then its not just the electrics that need looking at, it could involve leak detection, roof, plumbing. Is it covered on cousins insurance or is there any grant available for people on low income.

JudgeJ · 01/12/2022 12:38

5foot5 · 01/12/2022 09:06

What would the legal position be if anything went wrong? I don't know how this works but I wonder if practicing electricians gave sone sort of insurance /legal cover? If your DH doesn't have that now I can understand his reluctance.

Apart from that maybe he is best placed to suspect this could be a lengthy and costly job.

Exactly, it sounds like a total rewiring may be needed and for all sorts of reasons he can't be expected to do this for free or even mates' rates, not forgetting the need for certification etc.. Any time he spends will be time he is not earning, this is his job not his hobby. People get really cheeky when asking for free help.

Whammyyammy · 01/12/2022 12:39

Only person being unreasonable is your mum.
Why should your busy husband do the work, which could end up in an extensive rewiring job once started

Whammyyammy · 01/12/2022 12:40

Could your mum pay an electrician to fix it, as she is so concerned?

fruitbrewhaha · 01/12/2022 12:41

If he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to. Perhaps he could recommend someone for the job. Sounds like she needs someone to look at the damp/water ingress problem too. Perhaps he could offer to read over any quote or advise. It can be difficult when you've no idea about it yourself so knowing she has someone knowledgeable to say, yeah that sounds about right and is a decent price, could be a real help.

Fink · 01/12/2022 12:41

A lot of the AIBU questions, including this one, aren't really about whether it's 'reasonable' or not. He doesn't owe your cousin this favour, so it's not unreasonable of him to refuse, but in my family it's certainly something we would do for each other. It's not about reason, it's about just helping family out, not because you have to but because you can and it would make their lives easier.

That said, I agree with pp that a quick assessment of how bad the damage is and what sort of repairs she needs would be enough to start with. If it turned out to be a huge job which would take days of full-time labour, then that would be beyond the call of family loyalty.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 01/12/2022 12:44

babyjellyfish · 01/12/2022 09:01

I think it would be nice of him to at least go and have a look, check whether there is any immediate danger and assess how much work needs doing, even if he isn't willing to do the work for free.

This....

If it were my OH I'd be happy with this... Check that it isn't dangerous.... Do some immediate checks... So it will either be safe or need immediate action (from another electrician).

Surely he could act in an advisory role for a few hours.?? If only to say... The whole place needs rewiring... This would cost between x and y... I'd get quotes from these companies.

HotDogJumpingFrogHaveACookie · 01/12/2022 12:46

Not unreasonable at all! It could end up being a big job needing at least partial rewire which would be time and material exhaustive.

DunkingMyDonuts · 01/12/2022 12:46

Is DH being unreasonable? I dont think so but I believe my mum thinks he should do it?

I just love these people who offer other people's time for free - where do they get off being such organising "do gooders"?!

Tell your mum to put her hand in her own pocket and pay someone herself if she is that bothered

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