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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be proud of my son for standing up to his bully?

308 replies

Spreeofthemoment · 30/11/2022 17:09

My DS is in y6. One boy in particular has been making his(and a few others) life hell he’s it wanted to go to school because of him. Well today, he snapped and floored this boy after he came and pushed DS over(he’s always pushing him!). This boys nose was bleeding. I got a call off the head and told him I won’t be punishing my son and that I’m proud of him for standing up for himself and showing this boy he won’t be bullied anymore, as clearly the school weren’t doing anything to protect my son!

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 16:45

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 16:41

@Pumperthepumper a constructive suggestion would be something I should do instead

Don’t punish him, and instead work out why he feels the need to lash out.

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 18:55

@Pumperthepumper I think both are needed.

I could write you an essay on why he needs to lash out. He has a sensory processing disorder and has difficulty with transitions. He can be very rigid in his thinking and struggles when other people want to do things 'the wrong way'. He feels a powerful need to control people and situations. But also, he is a boundary pusher who needs - even craves - boundaries, and will keep pushing till he has established what they are.

No violence other than in self defense is a boundary. How else do you enforce a boundary other than with consistent consequences?

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 19:02

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 18:55

@Pumperthepumper I think both are needed.

I could write you an essay on why he needs to lash out. He has a sensory processing disorder and has difficulty with transitions. He can be very rigid in his thinking and struggles when other people want to do things 'the wrong way'. He feels a powerful need to control people and situations. But also, he is a boundary pusher who needs - even craves - boundaries, and will keep pushing till he has established what they are.

No violence other than in self defense is a boundary. How else do you enforce a boundary other than with consistent consequences?

Then none of that, absolutely none of it, will change with him losing screen time. Stop punishing him.

ComfortablyDazed · 03/12/2022 19:04

@Aria999 you don’t need to explain your parenting or your child to some random on the internet.

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 19:07

@ComfortablyDazed yeah I know and we are derailing the thread.

I guess I was interested in pumper's clearly passionately held belief and wanted to explore it. I try to understand other people's point of view.

@Pumperthepumper time I agreed to disagree I think. I'm pretty sure if I did what you suggest then all hell would break loose. I would still be interested to know why you think it.

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 19:10

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 19:07

@ComfortablyDazed yeah I know and we are derailing the thread.

I guess I was interested in pumper's clearly passionately held belief and wanted to explore it. I try to understand other people's point of view.

@Pumperthepumper time I agreed to disagree I think. I'm pretty sure if I did what you suggest then all hell would break loose. I would still be interested to know why you think it.

Why I think what? That punishment doesn’t work?

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 19:10

Yes

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 19:12

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 19:10

Yes

Because it doesn’t work. He won’t change his behaviour because of the threats made at home, because he thinks he’s justified in lashing out. So a better way to deal with it would be coping strategies so he doesn’t feel the need to lash out in the first place. Waiting until after he’s done it to take away his screen time changes absolutely nothing.

Soproudoflionesses · 03/12/2022 19:13

This is probs the only language the bully understands. So long as he didn't throw the first punch l wouldn't be punishing him at all. Bet it stops now.

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 19:14

You said that before but what's it based on? Your experience of children? Your professional training?

Clearly my personal experience is that it does work for us or I would be doing something different.

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 19:14

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 19:14

You said that before but what's it based on? Your experience of children? Your professional training?

Clearly my personal experience is that it does work for us or I would be doing something different.

Yes, both. And it doesn’t work for you, because your kid is punching people.

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 19:17

Not since the consequence he hasn't.

AlarmClockMeetWindow · 03/12/2022 19:17

dinoprincesses · 30/11/2022 17:37

Has it been confirmed by the school that this other boy has been bullying your DS? I only ask because I work in a school and see many incidents at break times, when we talk to the children involved they will always blame the other etc. When I then speak to the parents about it they will almost always say something along the lines of "ds said this boy has been picking on him non stop" when actually the reality of what is going on is much different and it's normally a 50/50 split of who is in the wrong.

So your child tells you they are being bullied and you're meant to disbelieve them, and believe clueless schools instead who do not manage behaviour and allow such situations to develop in the first place? And even when reported to them do not to remove the bully from the school until and unless they behave appropriately?

As someone who was bullied at the many different schools I attended, I can confirm having tried different approaches that teachers were universally useless at stopping it and the only thing that did was to hit the bully, hard. Preferably in front of others so that they were humiliated.

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 19:17

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 19:17

Not since the consequence he hasn't.

How do you know?

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 19:19

Because I am in daily communication with his school to help them support him with coping strategies, and I would have seen if it had happened elsewhere.

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 19:20

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 19:19

Because I am in daily communication with his school to help them support him with coping strategies, and I would have seen if it had happened elsewhere.

If the kid he’d hit had told the staff about it. You can’t honestly know if he’s not lashing out, because you don’t know why he lashed out to begin with. And taking away his screen time - as I said - changes nothing. And if he’s worried about further punishments at home, he’s much less likely to speak to you about how he’s feeling.

dinoprincesses · 03/12/2022 19:31

@AlarmClockMeetWindow I'm not saying completely disbelieve them but I have had numerous incidents over the last few weeks of parents coming in and telling me that their child had cried at home telling them so and so had hit or been mean to them etc that day. When in fact their child had been hitting the other child and had been hitting the other child at break time and had told their parents this to avoid getting in trouble themselves. I don't know what type of schools other people have experience of but in the school I work in we have clear view of all children at break times and would easily be able to pick up on (and often do) behaviour that was bullying or inappropriate.

AlarmClockMeetWindow · 03/12/2022 19:53

dinoprincesses · 03/12/2022 19:31

@AlarmClockMeetWindow I'm not saying completely disbelieve them but I have had numerous incidents over the last few weeks of parents coming in and telling me that their child had cried at home telling them so and so had hit or been mean to them etc that day. When in fact their child had been hitting the other child and had been hitting the other child at break time and had told their parents this to avoid getting in trouble themselves. I don't know what type of schools other people have experience of but in the school I work in we have clear view of all children at break times and would easily be able to pick up on (and often do) behaviour that was bullying or inappropriate.

And when there is bullying behaviour, what do you do about it? Do you exclude the bullies? Is there any meaningful punishment? Or just a pathetic "telling off" and call their parents (who of course will do nothing hence why they have become a bully in the first place).

dinoprincesses · 03/12/2022 19:58

@AlarmClockMeetWindow entirely depends on the level of behaviour. Exclusions for any 'extreme' incidents such a hitting. If we have a pupil with numerous incidents they will normally be kept on limited play times (away from others and with an adult) where they will undertake activities that help them re regulate their behaviour. But this is just a limited example, consequences entirely depend on the incident.

SeeYouNextTLol · 03/12/2022 19:58

Well done to your son. Some people need a dry slap as they are too stupid to understand reason.

AlarmClockMeetWindow · 03/12/2022 20:44

dinoprincesses · 03/12/2022 19:58

@AlarmClockMeetWindow entirely depends on the level of behaviour. Exclusions for any 'extreme' incidents such a hitting. If we have a pupil with numerous incidents they will normally be kept on limited play times (away from others and with an adult) where they will undertake activities that help them re regulate their behaviour. But this is just a limited example, consequences entirely depend on the incident.

So to be clear, if you see a child hitting they are excluded from school? I think that is a very rare approach for a school to take but if that's true, that is good.

What do you do about verbal bullying? That is more insidious and damaging, a lot of the time. And I'm not sure that just by "watching" playtime you'd have as clear picture of it as you claim.

dinoprincesses · 03/12/2022 21:27

@AlarmClockMeetWindow depending on the level of hitting. A punch for example would be a definite exclusion, normally for a week. It's a rare thing to happen in our school. Children pushing and shoving their each other with no obvious instigator obviously would be different.

Verbal is dealt with in a case by case basis. If it's something that we see is happening on a regular basis then the child would be given the same restorative sessions as children who had been violent. We would also be extra vigilant in watching interactions with parents etc as it can be an indicator of home life (not saying this is in every case of course). It's hard to detail exactly what our consequences are as we are a school that deal with things on a case by case basis and take children's needs and Mh very seriously.

I would say that I get a very clear idea of what is happening by watching at break times. I work in the classroom well day and then am out at break times so other than a half hour break (where somebody else from the same classroom would be outside) I am with my class almost every minute they are in school, I feel that gives me a very clear idea of what is going on. I also think that gives me a very good relationship with each child in my class so that they would feel they would be able to tell me if something was wrong.

dinoprincesses · 03/12/2022 21:28

Excuse the typos I'm currently rocking a baby to sleep!

AlarmClockMeetWindow · 03/12/2022 22:08

Well @dinoprincesses that sounds very nice. And if it's so simple to do, why do you think so much bullying still goes on? This is what I do not understand.

dinoprincesses · 03/12/2022 22:54

@AlarmClockMeetWindow hopefully I'm not wrong but in the school I'm in I genuinely don't think there is any bullying going on. I work in a village school though with a high number of TA's though which I think probably makes a difference. So I can't comment on other schools. If we see an issue in the school I'm in it is dealt with quickly.