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Original poster

To be proud of my son for standing up to his bully?

308 replies

Spreeofthemoment · 30/11/2022 17:09

My DS is in y6. One boy in particular has been making his(and a few others) life hell he’s it wanted to go to school because of him. Well today, he snapped and floored this boy after he came and pushed DS over(he’s always pushing him!). This boys nose was bleeding. I got a call off the head and told him I won’t be punishing my son and that I’m proud of him for standing up for himself and showing this boy he won’t be bullied anymore, as clearly the school weren’t doing anything to protect my son!

OP posts:
AnyOldThings · 03/12/2022 06:50

Aria999 · 02/12/2022 20:36

"Nobody is biologically violent "

I found this interesting so googled it, it seems to be a controversial issue.

I like this article

https://philosophynow.org/issues/105/AreHumannBeingsNaturallyyViolentAndd_Warlike

which ends as follows;

There is a story, said to be of Cherokee origin, that speaks to this matter, and to our shared responsibility. A young girl was troubled by a recurring dream in which two wolves fought viciously with each other. When she recounted the dream to her grandfather, a village elder renowned for his wisdom, he explained that there are two wolves inside everyone, one peaceful and the other warlike. At this, the girl was even more upset, and asked which one wins. Her grandfather’s response: “The one you feed.”

This is the premise that we all have light and dark within us and the side that is helped to thrive will win.

Bullies being treated as victims and not stoped is enabling the dark.

Mexicola · 03/12/2022 06:51

No. There’s nothing wrong with defending yourself. If an adult started pushing me I’d push them back. Anyone would.

On a separate note I don’t believe in punishing at home for something that happened at school…

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 12:36

@AnyOldThings I agree with you.

I was mildly side tracking the thread as I had always assumed that humans were biologically violent and I was interested to find its complicated!

But I don't really get these people who don't think you should defend yourself if attacked. (Jesus included lol)

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 12:52

@Mexicola why not? If you don't impose consequences at home for things that happen at school you risk becoming the parent of the bully who is doing nothing about it.

I am not talking about OP's son as I agree she should be happy he defended himself, but what about the parent of the bully. Should they stand by and do nothing, if they are aware?

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 13:28

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 12:52

@Mexicola why not? If you don't impose consequences at home for things that happen at school you risk becoming the parent of the bully who is doing nothing about it.

I am not talking about OP's son as I agree she should be happy he defended himself, but what about the parent of the bully. Should they stand by and do nothing, if they are aware?

What punishment at home would stop a bully? Keeping in mind that most kids bully die to learned behaviour at home.

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 13:44

@Pumperthepumper well, DS6 punched another kid in the nose at school, he was on screen time ban and Kung fu ban for a week, with the threat of permanent Kung fu ban if he did it again, so far he hasn't done it again.

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 13:45

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 13:44

@Pumperthepumper well, DS6 punched another kid in the nose at school, he was on screen time ban and Kung fu ban for a week, with the threat of permanent Kung fu ban if he did it again, so far he hasn't done it again.

Why did he punch someone?

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 13:50

They were playing a ball game. The teacher did not know why but knowing DS he probably thought the other child was doing it wrong.

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 13:54

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 13:50

They were playing a ball game. The teacher did not know why but knowing DS he probably thought the other child was doing it wrong.

So you went straight to punishment without finding out exactly why felt he had to resort to violence?

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 13:56

DS was unwilling to say why he did it.

So yes, because zero tolerance for violence unless in self defense, and also because I don't want him kicked out of school.

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 13:57

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 13:56

DS was unwilling to say why he did it.

So yes, because zero tolerance for violence unless in self defense, and also because I don't want him kicked out of school.

And how do you make the connection between not listening to him, but then punishing him by something completely related to what he did? What lesson is he supposed to learn from this punishment?

NewToWoo · 03/12/2022 14:00

You're right to be proud.

DS fiunally punched a kid who had been bullying him badly for three years. try as he might to go round spreading rumours that DS had 'anger issues' everyone knew DS is a very peaceful child, and even the adult in charge said the kid had it coming. It's all very well teaching our children not to be violent, but not if that means the aggressive goady ones constantly get away with it. After three years of severe bullying a single punch stopped it all. Wish he'd done it on day one.

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 14:02

Oh ffs @Pumperthepumper stop with the assumptions.

I do listen to him. I ask open questions. I am sympathetic. He has been to therapy.

Also it's not unrelated. If he is going to punch people and draw blood I can't really justify continuing to send him to martial arts so he can learn to do it better.

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 14:04

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 14:02

Oh ffs @Pumperthepumper stop with the assumptions.

I do listen to him. I ask open questions. I am sympathetic. He has been to therapy.

Also it's not unrelated. If he is going to punch people and draw blood I can't really justify continuing to send him to martial arts so he can learn to do it better.

And a screen time ban. Heavy handed, considering you don’t know why he lashed out in the first place. That’s not helping him to regulate, it’s not dealing with the issue. It’s just throwing your weight around in the hope it might work.

Hellsmovie · 03/12/2022 14:06

Wll done. Bullies deserve every thing coming to them .

I'm also shocked at how many parents on here that are happy to accept there child being assaulted with consequences .

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 14:11

Screen time is really the only thing he much cares about. We have an agreed framework for violence at school or anywhere else that involves screen time restrictions, that DS is well aware of.

Screen time is sometimes part of the problem so it's not entirely arbitrary.

I am also doing all that I can to help him to regulate. Firm consequences are part of what helps him.

If you have any constructive suggestions fire away. I suspect I am already doing them.

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 14:12

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 14:11

Screen time is really the only thing he much cares about. We have an agreed framework for violence at school or anywhere else that involves screen time restrictions, that DS is well aware of.

Screen time is sometimes part of the problem so it's not entirely arbitrary.

I am also doing all that I can to help him to regulate. Firm consequences are part of what helps him.

If you have any constructive suggestions fire away. I suspect I am already doing them.

Stop punishing him. It doesn’t work.

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 14:15

I don't count that as a constructive suggestion!

Strictly1 · 03/12/2022 14:15

Has this bullying actually been shared with the school and they have failed to take action? This is what will make a huge difference to my thoughts on your child’s reaction.
We often have parents mention bullying that’s been going for years for the first time their child is in trouble. Telling all of Facebook is not the same as telling the school (we have some who think that is you report complaints).

Strictly1 · 03/12/2022 14:19

Sorry just read more and can see you have reported it.
I would be wary though - one punch can kill. Whilst your child is in year six and growing etc it’s not an action I’d be encouraging.

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 14:42

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 14:15

I don't count that as a constructive suggestion!

No, but it’s your kid who’s punching people. So maybe you should think about it.

TruckerBarbie · 03/12/2022 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pumperthepumper · 03/12/2022 15:22

Not all children hit though. And mammals don’t react instinctively to violence, it’s always a last resort because mammals are biologically adverse to risk and violence means getting hurt is more likely. Most mammals walk away from fights they know they won’t win.

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 16:41

@Pumperthepumper a constructive suggestion would be something I should do instead

Aria999 · 03/12/2022 16:42

Also, I did do something about it. That's what you started out by complaining about.