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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for no photos/videos to be taken at school performance?

283 replies

Christmasbahhumbug · 30/11/2022 10:42

DD can’t be in photos/videos online. There are genuine reasons for this. School are very good and I think would put a ban in place if I (or any other parent) asked.

In previous years I have kept her home on special nursery/school days where photos/videos might be taken.

Over the summer, DD really wanted to join in and school allowed photos/videos and asked parents to keep them off SM but unsurprisingly this was ignored.

I get it, I really do. I would love a picture/video of DD having fun/performing with all of her friends but we just can’t.

Do I deny other parents/grandparents/children that pleasure by asking for no photos/videos or yet again have DD miss out completely?

OP posts:
HolidaysAreComin · 01/12/2022 16:49

My daughters first ever school play we were told not to take pics etc as they were filming it and would post it in the school app. Never happened, was never filmed, I was so upset. Thankfully one of the mums took some still images and sent them to the other mums. I've ignored the rule ever since I just don't post them or I put stickers over the other kids faces if I want to share them with other people (I only post the pics with my child in on fb).

I feel sorry for you but it isn't fair taking away the memories and being able to share with our extended families these moments (you only get 2 tickets). Could you request they have a part with their face painted/and or a mask instead of keeping them off?

Propertyindisrepair · 01/12/2022 16:51

@HolidaysAreComin you think it is fairer thst extended members of the family get to see pictures of your children than another actual child actually participates?

MarvelMrs · 01/12/2022 16:54

Frustratingly others don’t understand the need to protect individual children for unique reasons. Parents won’t adhere to any bans or requests.
Could your DD be an off stage narrator with a mic at the back of the room or working backstage on lighting or even be given an exciting job such as camera operator and given a little platform and tripod with camera and the finished product could be sold on dvd for a couple of pounds or just used to show in assembly the following week. Find a creative solution to give your DD a role that makes her part of it but out of sight.

SEMPA1234567 · 01/12/2022 16:56

Our school have a rule that parents are not allowed to take photo’s/videos during the performance but then they film a dress rehearsal (without the kids that can’t be filmed) and put it up on the website for the parents. I personally would love to take videos/photos of the actual performance but think this is a good compromise that keeps everyone safe.

theblackradiator · 01/12/2022 17:00

@Skiphopbump it's like this at my dcs school too yes much better that you don't have to watch through masses of phones being held up in the air but I must admit I feel really sad that I have no videos or photos to document their time in primary and for them to watch back in the future as school never video for parents to purchase even though we've asked on numerous occasions. friends and family with dc at different schools seem to have loads of lovely videos and photos of school performances etc and it does make me sad that we don't have any.

notsinging · 01/12/2022 17:04

I'm really surprised that the school doesn't already have a rigorous social media photo sharing policy in place - I assumed that it would be normal at all schools to ban parents sharing photos of school productions and events on social media these days.

My DC's school has a very strict no-parent-photos policy and is strict at enforcing it. No photos are allowed to be taken by parents during any school performances or events. This is reiterated firmly and clearly at every event. No photos are allowed to be taken during the performance at all - because obviously it is impossible to police whether photos will be for personal use only or shared online.

The school do allow a short, controlled, photo opportunity at the end of performances where you are allowed to photograph your own child only. E.g after the Christmas play parents are allowed to go up to the front to take an individual photo of their child (i.e. in costume). The school are firm about stating that parents must only photograph their own child and mustn't include other children with their child. It would be hard for this to be 100% guaranteed but people do cooperate and everyone seems to accept it.
This seems fair to me.

It's probably worth raising it with your school to suggest they review their current policies. Are they aware that you have specific concerns about your DD's safeguarding in this regard? They seem a bit behind the times with their current safeguarding ideas and if a parent was to raise a real-world serious reason why sharing photos could be problematic or dangerous I can't see how any good school could refuse to consider changing their wider policies.

Orga · 01/12/2022 17:06

I wouldn't hesitate to put in the request with the school if I were you.

People are obsessed with capturing everything on photos/ videos these days. It's not like parents don't already have a million pictures of their little darlings! They can live without it.

PortalooSunset · 01/12/2022 17:15

I thought most schools had a policy like this? Primary at least. At dc's school it happened as you say, "you can take photos but no sharing on social media". Obviously this had been ignored by someone because the next event (nativity) there was a blanket ban on anyone taking photos/video. Teachers took individual photos of the children in costume and gave them to parents.

Imo you would not be unreasonable to ask school to ban photos/videos, but YWBU if your child misses out when she wants to be involved.

MaryBeardsShoes · 01/12/2022 17:25

I can't believe people are suggesting kids miss out on these opportunities because adults can't put their phones down for 5 minutes. For goodness sake. Put your damn kids first.

Syrax · 01/12/2022 18:09

HolidaysAreComin · 01/12/2022 16:49

My daughters first ever school play we were told not to take pics etc as they were filming it and would post it in the school app. Never happened, was never filmed, I was so upset. Thankfully one of the mums took some still images and sent them to the other mums. I've ignored the rule ever since I just don't post them or I put stickers over the other kids faces if I want to share them with other people (I only post the pics with my child in on fb).

I feel sorry for you but it isn't fair taking away the memories and being able to share with our extended families these moments (you only get 2 tickets). Could you request they have a part with their face painted/and or a mask instead of keeping them off?

It isn’t fair that my adopted children have to miss out of yet another normal childhood experience (like being fed or bathed), without being othered by being hidden wearing a mask, in order that you can share a photo of your children in a costume?

Really?

Syrax · 01/12/2022 18:09

^on yet

Saltywalruss · 01/12/2022 20:54

I feel sorry for you but it isn't fair taking away the memories and being able to share with our extended families these moments (you only get 2 tickets)
Nobody is taking away your memory of it if you're not allowed to take photos. Memories are in us, not in phones.
And you don't need to share everything with extended family either. Just tell them about it!

ArabellaScott · 01/12/2022 21:04

Saltywalruss · 01/12/2022 20:54

I feel sorry for you but it isn't fair taking away the memories and being able to share with our extended families these moments (you only get 2 tickets)
Nobody is taking away your memory of it if you're not allowed to take photos. Memories are in us, not in phones.
And you don't need to share everything with extended family either. Just tell them about it!

100%.

Watch your children's show, make eye contact, smile at them! Tell their relatives later. It's actually sad that we want to try and record every 'moment' of our lives (I include myself in this) and in doing so miss quite a lot of it as it actually happens.

CaptainMyCaptain · 01/12/2022 22:05

ArabellaScott · 01/12/2022 21:04

100%.

Watch your children's show, make eye contact, smile at them! Tell their relatives later. It's actually sad that we want to try and record every 'moment' of our lives (I include myself in this) and in doing so miss quite a lot of it as it actually happens.

Show quote history

Absolutely!

Pilgit · 01/12/2022 22:22

I would welcome it. Aside from the very obvious safe guarding issues (which so many do just not get) it's bloody irritating to be stuck behind the prat with the phone videoing the whole thing, getting in everyone's way. Why can't people just be present and enjoy it? Why is everything viewed through a phone? I get that there are good reasons - missed DDs orchestra performance in the summer and it couldn't be recorded so i missed out and i am sad about that (i was giving birth though....) but that doesn't account for all of it!

Hmmmm2018 · 01/12/2022 22:44

Our school has a blanket no video/photography rule. For big productions they do record certain performances and share those, presumably with children whose imagine can't be shared not in it. I like it that way. I don't get why you want to spend a whole show recording kids mumbling. Do people really watch these back? I much prefer to just enjoy the moment and actually watch the action. I don't even watch back the proper recording done by the school.

GiantCheeseMonster · 01/12/2022 22:51

HolidaysAreComin · 01/12/2022 16:49

My daughters first ever school play we were told not to take pics etc as they were filming it and would post it in the school app. Never happened, was never filmed, I was so upset. Thankfully one of the mums took some still images and sent them to the other mums. I've ignored the rule ever since I just don't post them or I put stickers over the other kids faces if I want to share them with other people (I only post the pics with my child in on fb).

I feel sorry for you but it isn't fair taking away the memories and being able to share with our extended families these moments (you only get 2 tickets). Could you request they have a part with their face painted/and or a mask instead of keeping them off?

The foster carers and adoptive parents sitting around you have no idea whether you will remember to sticker the faces of their children when you put them on SM. So you end up with poor parents like the OP, feeling like she has to stop her child from taking part.

I work with children in care. I wish I could tell you some of their stories. There are hundreds of thousands of children in this country who have suffered appalling abuse and neglect and been removed from everything they know to keep them safe. Sometimes they can’t even stay with their brothers and sisters (not many foster carers will take five or six children at once). School provides normality and safety. They should be able to feel like other children and take part in things other children can. Putting them on SM can literally endanger their lives or even those of their foster carers. Take a picture of your child in their costume after the performance and count your blessings.

Sennelier1 · 02/12/2022 12:19

All parents and grandparents at my grandson's school take pictures but not one of them shares on social media 🤷🏼‍♀️ If and when someone has pictures that others might like we send them to the monitored private page of the school, not the world-wide-web 'round.

Rockbird · 03/12/2022 11:25

It's a tough one alright. DD1, no issues. I have photos and videos of everything. DD2 we were banned from filming. She's in Y6 now and I have nothing at all. No nativity, no carol service, no school play. Comparing the two girls it's like DD2 didn't take part in anything.

camdenn · 03/12/2022 11:35

@Rockbird it’s weird that you see a lack of photos to mean your daughter didn’t participate. Presumably everyone who attended has memories of the actual events, and she herself has those memories to confirm she took part. Not having photos does not equal to it not happening

MoreSleepPleasee · 03/12/2022 12:01

Family will take sly pictures whether they are told to or not. They want that precious memory captured.

RedHelenB · 03/12/2022 12:17

surelt it's up to the school? Headteachers I've known would say no photos/ filming so household can take part.

Becgoz7 · 03/12/2022 17:36

Christmasbahhumbug · 30/11/2022 10:42

DD can’t be in photos/videos online. There are genuine reasons for this. School are very good and I think would put a ban in place if I (or any other parent) asked.

In previous years I have kept her home on special nursery/school days where photos/videos might be taken.

Over the summer, DD really wanted to join in and school allowed photos/videos and asked parents to keep them off SM but unsurprisingly this was ignored.

I get it, I really do. I would love a picture/video of DD having fun/performing with all of her friends but we just can’t.

Do I deny other parents/grandparents/children that pleasure by asking for no photos/videos or yet again have DD miss out completely?

I cover other children's faces in photos. I guess videos would be harder but I try to only get my child in.

I don't think it's fair to ban photos and videos.

Tessabelle74 · 03/12/2022 18:36

We have a ban at our school for I'd guess child protection issues, it's really not a big deal to me. We're allowed to take photos of our kids in costumes etc after the performance

Gemcat1 · 03/12/2022 19:13

Why are you banning photos of school children? When my kids were at school there was a school photographer/video specialist who was the only person allowed to take pictures or videos to stop all of the parents getting in each other's way and blocking the view. But if your child is dressed in a way that is allowed in public why aren't photos allowed? I understand that no-one wants inappropriate pictures but there is no reason for anyone not to have memories of something special for their child even if there are other children in the picture. You are over protecting your children and making them afraid to be in the real world.