Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My support worker has feelings for me

172 replies

Feelinvulnerable · 30/11/2022 00:58

I’m sat here shaking because I’m just in disbelief and I’m upset.
So I was assaulted by a male earlier in the year and I was referred to a charity to help me through the prosecution.
I have been at my lowest and have felt so supported by my support worker. He’s been absolutely professional and magnificent during this period.
Last week, he messaged me from a different number to say that he was leaving said organisation and we decided to stay in touch.
we also decided to meet up face to face as we had never met as the support had always been over the phone.
Never for one second did I think he would be interested in anything more than a friendship. After all, he knows just how low I am or have been.
We met for lunch just after he had been helping another service user and it’s become apparent after our conversation that he too has had a hard life and may be just as vulnerable as I.
Now this is where it gets messy… I messaged him tonight to tell him about an ongoing issue with the incident earlier in the year, and so we got talking.
A lot has transpired… this support worker has looked me up online before meeting me (no biggie - could just be curiosity), he’s now told me that I mean a lot to him and he’s disclosed some information about his background that will make him feel vulnerable.
I have made it very clear that I’m fragile and in no state to start a romantic relationship with anyone , but now I feel horrendous for him and I feel grubby like I’ve bared my soul to someone that wants to take more than what I was offering.
He has made it clear he wants it to be more than friendship.
I don’t know what to do, and I’m distraught that I’ve given him the wrong impression when I thought I was leaning on a support worker.

OP posts:
DuchessDandelion · 30/11/2022 01:02

and I’m distraught that I’ve given him the wrong impression when I thought I was leaning on a support worker

You haven't done anything wrong and you haven't led him on. He's behaving incredible unprofessionally and he may have things which make him emotionally vulnerable but the big difference is that he knows the professional rules between you and him, why they're there, how to navigate them and he has knowingly broken them.

He has knowingly approached you - an incredibly vulnerable woman - outside the professional setting in order to pursue a relationship. That isn't on and needs to be reported.

I am so sorry, you should never have been put into this position Flowers

Vallmo47 · 30/11/2022 01:05

Please don’t feel bad for not being ready/ not interested in a relationship with your support worker. I understand he’s leaving the organisation but in my my mind he’s still crossed a line. It’s probably not a good idea for you to carry on this friendship- he knows things about you that you wouldn’t be happy to disclose to just anyone, he could take advantage of this and it would just become messy.
I know you feel bad but you really shouldn’t - just a very brief message to say how much you’ve valued his time and friendship as your support worker but you are not looking for a relationship. From experience, I wouldn’t open any doors in terms of being vague … don’t say “maybe we can get in touch after holidays…” or “if you just want to be friends….”
Unfortunately I feel the best thing for YOU is a clean cut now, his experiences are his own and while they’re sad, it will likely drag you down too. Two sinking ships don’t make for a running engine. Sorry if that’s hard to hear, I’ve been in very dark places myself and it’s okay to not allow others to add to your list. Focus on spending time with people who bring you up, not down. Good luck 🥰

Original poster
Feelinvulnerable · 30/11/2022 01:06

I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to cause any bother for him and I cannot handle anymore stress with everything I’m going through just now.
He hasn’t been sexual but says we are connected emotionally. We are but not romantically. I just feel sick and I’m worried how he’s going to react now that I’ve told him that’s the last thing I want.

OP posts:
GLADragss · 30/11/2022 01:08

Oh god this is awful! I would report him to his ex employer. He shouldn’t be trying to stir up a relationship regardless of leaving the business as you’re a vulnerable person and he’s crossing a boundary. You should just have a strictly professional relationship and you shouldn’t feel worried that support workers will attempt to date you

SammyScrounge · 30/11/2022 01:09

Hit the ground running. He sounds dodgy to me. He knows your current fragility and low confidence and, he looked you up and found out more. He.has all the.tools he needs to exploit you.

Original poster
Feelinvulnerable · 30/11/2022 01:10

GLADragss · 30/11/2022 01:08

Oh god this is awful! I would report him to his ex employer. He shouldn’t be trying to stir up a relationship regardless of leaving the business as you’re a vulnerable person and he’s crossing a boundary. You should just have a strictly professional relationship and you shouldn’t feel worried that support workers will attempt to date you

It never entered my head that he would want to date me. I’ve told him really intimate things about what happened to me.
Now I feel even more exposed and vulnerable than I did before

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/11/2022 01:11

He has broken so many professional boundaries. I do similar work and getting a client phone number before leaving and contacting them from my personal phone would be utterly unthinkable.

Please tell his prior employer so they don't give him a reference. Block, tell him you want to stop contact and let the police know if he continues.

You have done nothing wrong, he has done a great deal wrong.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 30/11/2022 01:13

Absolutely report him to his previous employer, this is extremely unprofessional and unethical

You have done nothing wrong here. Unfortunately there are some men who like to prey on women at their weakest because they are more likely to put up with bullshit.

CuriousEats · 30/11/2022 01:13

SammyScrounge · 30/11/2022 01:09

Hit the ground running. He sounds dodgy to me. He knows your current fragility and low confidence and, he looked you up and found out more. He.has all the.tools he needs to exploit you.

This.

DuchessDandelion · 30/11/2022 01:13

If nothing else, op, then this:

Now I feel even more exposed and vulnerable than I did before

Is sufficient grounds to report him. If any other professional made you feel like this, they'd be disciplined over it - this is no different.

Original poster
Feelinvulnerable · 30/11/2022 01:14

I just don’t think I can report him. What if he turns nasty? I can’t risk that for me and my children.
I have major anxiety of retaliation attacks after rejecting someone… it would be even worse if I reported him.
I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack right now.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/11/2022 01:19

Is the charity a proper, big, registered one? They will have policies. You don't have to do anything right now. Except breathe.

The fact is he knows what your fears are so the best thing to do is probably what you wouldn't be expected to, and it sounds as if that is reporting.

But again you don't have to do anything right now. Use some grounding techniques and give yourself space and time.

GLADragss · 30/11/2022 01:22

I help people with significant complex needs in my NHS career. I’ve bonded with people at their worst time and want what’s best for them and wonder how they’re doing from time to time. However that’s just a passing thought, I never search them on social media or meet up with them or contact them. That’s so gross and unethical.

His job was merely to assist you in that specific moment and nothing further. He knows he should not be contacting you regardless of leaving. Regardless of any “bond”, it’s a strictly professional relationship so any communication should cease once you/he left the service. He shouldn’t have met up with you and he shouldn’t have said these things.

DuchessDandelion · 30/11/2022 01:23

Feelinvulnerable · 30/11/2022 01:14

I just don’t think I can report him. What if he turns nasty? I can’t risk that for me and my children.
I have major anxiety of retaliation attacks after rejecting someone… it would be even worse if I reported him.
I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack right now.

OK, you don't need to do anything you don't want to, op.

This is your choice to make and whichever choice you make will be right for you.

Do you have a new support worker?
My advice would be to confide in them, because you need extra support right now.

You've told him you're no position for a relationship, so I don't think you need to anything else right now. If he messages again, don't respond. In fact, block his number.

He won't retaliate because he knows he's in the wrong.

Original poster
Feelinvulnerable · 30/11/2022 01:27

He’s made it clear that he has a fragile state of mind too, and I’m petrified what’s going to happen next.
I really feel like I cannot be around men just now. They’ve turned me into someone so far removed from myself.
thank you all for your replies. I know I probably sound like a broken record but they are there for me to properly take on board once I’m out of the panic stage x

OP posts:
Booklover3 · 30/11/2022 01:28

He’s 100% in the wrong here and is trying to take advantage. I know you don’t want to report him but I think you should and if you really can’t then stay well away from him.

Original poster
Feelinvulnerable · 30/11/2022 01:30

I will be staying away from him. I’m just a nervous wreck. What if he is angry I’ve ruled out a relationship?
What if he’s upset? I don’t think he has great mental health from what he has disclosed to me in the past 24 hours.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/11/2022 01:32

I know you're stuck in fear and anxiety. But is there any anger in there? He's done a really shitty thing, really shitty. Anger might help.

Weatherwax13 · 30/11/2022 01:34

Fucking hell. What an absolute wanker. I'm so sorry OP. Is there anyone IRL you can tell? Is there a woman from the support workers' agency/employer you could call?
I totally understand your fears re reporting him and nobody can make you so don't think about that right now. Just think about who you could talk to for your own sake.
I think I'd contact Rape Crisis.
I know this bastard hasn't physically assaulted you but they may well be able to advise/support you as he's taken advantage of you as a sexual assault survivor and retraumatised you.
I really feel for you @Feelinvulnerable

GLADragss · 30/11/2022 01:35

For me, this proves he’s of dodgy character. If you work in public services or deal with vulnerable people of any background, you need to know when to switch off and that work stays at work to protect vulnerable people. It would have been drilled into him to never do this. Getting a service users number to be “more than friends” after leaving the job is a huge breach.

you’ve done nothing wrong.
he doesn’t have right to be angry with you.

The police are on your side if needed.
you can’t worry about him being upset - he hasn’t considered you being upset has he?

dolor · 30/11/2022 01:35

His behaviour is deeply, deeply unprofessional. He should not have contacted you privately at all, especially knowing now vulnerable you are.

It's absolutely not on you to report him given your position, so don't feel pressured to do that because it's not like you can guarantee protection now, and you don't know what he's capable of.

I think it's best for you say something along the lines of "I am not comfortable with this, please do not contact me again", and then block him.

If he accepts that and leaves you alone, then okay. If he doesn't, you will probably need to involve the police, but you never know what sort of support you're going to get from them.

Original poster
Feelinvulnerable · 30/11/2022 01:36

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/11/2022 01:32

I know you're stuck in fear and anxiety. But is there any anger in there? He's done a really shitty thing, really shitty. Anger might help.

No anger. I am angry that the charity paired me up with a man knowing what has happened to me for me to be referred to them.
But having said that… not every would I have ever thought he would want to be anything other than my support worker or at most an actual friend.
I go to another organisation who is solely for women and I’ve struck up friendships there but I feel sick that he wants me like that when the last thing I want is for him to feel like that.

OP posts:
GLADragss · 30/11/2022 01:37

Search online for the grey rock communication method and use it

basically to protect yourself, be as boring as possible so he loses interest in you

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/11/2022 01:40

I go to another organisation who is solely for women and I’ve struck up friendships there

That's great. Are there workers there you could talk to in confidence?

Original poster
Feelinvulnerable · 30/11/2022 01:40

GLADragss · 30/11/2022 01:37

Search online for the grey rock communication method and use it

basically to protect yourself, be as boring as possible so he loses interest in you

I know how to do this. I swear there’s something wrong with me. I had a colleague disclose feelings for me earlier in the year too which was awful then the incident with the male and now this.
Makes me feel so disgusting. I don’t want to be viewed like that. Especially not from
him because he was my post to lean on. That’s why I was given him.

OP posts: