My support worker has feelings for me

[Feelinvulnerable]

I’m sat here shaking because I’m just in disbelief and I’m upset.
So I was assaulted by a male earlier in the year and I was referred to a charity to help me through the prosecution.
I have been at my lowest and have felt so supported by my support worker. He’s been absolutely professional and magnificent during this period.
Last week, he messaged me from a different number to say that he was leaving said organisation and we decided to stay in touch.
we also decided to meet up face to face as we had never met as the support had always been over the phone.
Never for one second did I think he would be interested in anything more than a friendship. After all, he knows just how low I am or have been.
We met for lunch just after he had been helping another service user and it’s become apparent after our conversation that he too has had a hard life and may be just as vulnerable as I.
Now this is where it gets messy… I messaged him tonight to tell him about an ongoing issue with the incident earlier in the year, and so we got talking.
A lot has transpired… this support worker has looked me up online before meeting me (no biggie - could just be curiosity), he’s now told me that I mean a lot to him and he’s disclosed some information about his background that will make him feel vulnerable.
I have made it very clear that I’m fragile and in no state to start a romantic relationship with anyone , but now I feel horrendous for him and I feel grubby like I’ve bared my soul to someone that wants to take more than what I was offering.
He has made it clear he wants it to be more than friendship.
I don’t know what to do, and I’m distraught that I’ve given him the wrong impression when I thought I was leaning on a support worker.

I won’t maintain any relationship in any form now with him, but I do worry that he is vulnerable too. After reading so many of your helpful comments I see that this is silly for me to be thinking like this, but I do worry because I almost feel indebted to this man for all of his help

Its called grooming for a reason. Don't worry about him - save your worry for yourself and his other victims, including future victims. You are very unlikely to be the first or last.

I wonder why he suddenly left the charity.

Technically, he’s still there for a couple more days. His reasoning was that it’s not what he hoped it was going to be.

This makes me so angry for you - this support worker has utterly betrayed your trust in him, and shouldn't be working in this area ever again.

Please distance yourself, and if you can, report this behaviour - both to protect yourself if he escalates, and because he might do this to another client.

Everyone's already said it, but let me say it again - you have done nothing wrong. He is not your responsibility in every way. You have been failed by him and by the charity who trained him and matched you to him.

Why not talk to him and explain your fears? You’ll then get a feel for whether he’s angry and if he isn’t (which I highly doubt) you’ll be able to relax a bit more. Just get a feel for how the land lies.

I know what this paranoia feels like because I’ve had a relationship with a man with a violent past. I even thought he was going to take my children from school and when we broke up I barricaded the door every night. But nothing ever happened. I still worry about random men taking a dislike to me and coming to my flat to harm me and my son.

He didn’t act professionally but I doubt he’s a predator - I imagine he’s simply fallen in love with you. I wouldn’t report him because a) it could wreck his life and b) you’ll be even more worried about him hurting you.

I highly doubt he is angry, not I highly doubt that he isn’t!

I am also disappointed that the charity have used someone with a self-declared criminal past (albeit a long time ago according to him and it must be to pass checks) and a fragile state of mind for this kind of work.

I wonder if, in fact, any of this is true.

He might have mentioned a criminal past to create fear and anxiety in you, and mental health struggles to evoke sympathy.

OP, this is a safeguarding issue, and should be reported for that very reason. He is likely to remain in the same line of work, and next time, another vulnerable woman may not know how to say no to him. I understand that you are scared and that it is hugely unfair for you to be in this situation with everything that you have been through, but it is really necessary that you report him to his employer, if only to protect others.

He stepped way out of line and broke numerous professional guidelines. The charity also needs to know that something is going wrong in their hiring and training processes to prevent this from happening again.

Do not feel bad for him. Do not think about his own 'vulnerability', which he has only played up to suggest a deeper shared connection between you. He has masterfully manipulated you in a very vulnerable moment. You owe him absolutely nothing.

None of this is your fault or responsibility.
Women are not to blame for the behaviour of shitty men.
I understand that you are afraid to report him and that’s fair enough but if you DO at any point feel you can you might stop him from doing this to another woman.
Have nothing to do with this Predator at all

He didn’t act professionally but I doubt he’s a predator - I imagine he’s simply fallen in love with you. I wouldn’t report him because a) it could wreck his life and b) you’ll be even more worried about him hurting you.

This is terrible advice. Someone in a position of power over a vulnerable adult - assigned to them because they are vulnerable, who then pursues them, is absolutely a predator. No reasonable person would act this way.

Being reported for abusing your position in this way won't 'wreck his life' it will just mean that he has to have a different job, where he is not placed in positions of power over people like this, as is totally correct.

I very much doubt he is on anti psychotics or that he has fragile mental health or a murky past. He has exploited his position to identify your vulnerabilities and play on them. It sounds extremely calculated and troubling. You really must report him if you can.

THIS!
You have done nothing wrong and he has abused his position! Please concentrate only on yourself

Heaven forbid she should “wreck the life” of this man who is attempting to prey on a vulnerable woman.
And how many awful men excuse their behaviour beside they were “in love” - I’m looking at you Matt Hancock !

The fact that he wanted to meet you face to face to see if he fancied you is telling. Bleurghhh.

I wonder what his hit rate is?

I think you should contact the organisation and tell them what has happened. Let them take action.

Anyone working with vulnerable clients should receive regular clinical supervision (or at the very least line management) to process how they are holding/managing a client’s issues. Assigning a male worker for a vulnerable female introduces an inappropriate and potentially complicating dynamic.

I lost count the number of times I had to ‘read the riot act’ to (some) male clients around the female clients in our service. Of course the men too were vulnerable and deserving of support, but women have sex-specific vulnerabilities, experiences and consequences. THIS is why there are women-only groups, female group therapy facilitators, female-to-female 1:1 counselling sessions etc.

Stick with the empowering women - loads of us here on this thread and no dodgy agendas! ✊🏼X

Dreadful advice

Just when I thought men couldn’t even worse.

You’ve done nothing wrong, OP. He is trying to groom you.

Just goes to show how important it is to have women support workers.

@Newwardrobe is right!

He had massively exploited and groomed you here. Please report him to his old employer.

This is really predatory behaviour on his behalf and totally unethical.
I speak from experience, having been pursued by my male support worker when I was in rehab nearly 10 years ago.
I didn't realise at the time just how wrong his behaviour was.
Please report him and seek support elsewhere.
Please feel free to message me, if you'd like to talk.
X

He didn’t act professionally but I doubt he’s a predator - I imagine he’s simply fallen in love with you. I wouldn’t report him because a) it could wreck his life and b) you’ll be even more worried about him hurting you

WTF?! Who gives a shit if it “wrecks his life” (which it won’t), that’s his own fault. He’s behaved disgustingly and caused OP unnecessary stress and worry when she’s at her most vulnerable. He deserves to have his life wrecked, it’s really not too much to expect men not to prioritise their dick at every opportunity you know?

If he's still technically employed, this is even worse than if his employment had ended (which is bad enough!)

I've not read every reply just wondered if OP is still getting support from the organisation he has just left? If so they must know what's happened

None of it's your fault nor is it ok.

I'm sorry this has happened after what you've been through