My support worker has feelings for me

[Feelinvulnerable]

I’m sat here shaking because I’m just in disbelief and I’m upset.
So I was assaulted by a male earlier in the year and I was referred to a charity to help me through the prosecution.
I have been at my lowest and have felt so supported by my support worker. He’s been absolutely professional and magnificent during this period.
Last week, he messaged me from a different number to say that he was leaving said organisation and we decided to stay in touch.
we also decided to meet up face to face as we had never met as the support had always been over the phone.
Never for one second did I think he would be interested in anything more than a friendship. After all, he knows just how low I am or have been.
We met for lunch just after he had been helping another service user and it’s become apparent after our conversation that he too has had a hard life and may be just as vulnerable as I.
Now this is where it gets messy… I messaged him tonight to tell him about an ongoing issue with the incident earlier in the year, and so we got talking.
A lot has transpired… this support worker has looked me up online before meeting me (no biggie - could just be curiosity), he’s now told me that I mean a lot to him and he’s disclosed some information about his background that will make him feel vulnerable.
I have made it very clear that I’m fragile and in no state to start a romantic relationship with anyone , but now I feel horrendous for him and I feel grubby like I’ve bared my soul to someone that wants to take more than what I was offering.
He has made it clear he wants it to be more than friendship.
I don’t know what to do, and I’m distraught that I’ve given him the wrong impression when I thought I was leaning on a support worker.

But that's the whole point. Part of the reason the op is vulnerable is because she's deeply traumatised and therefore her boundaries are going to be all over the place.

To be frank, your comment reads as victim blaming and the op bears no responsibility at all here for this situation- it's all on him.

OP: do not take it in yourself that he broached your boundaries. He had a professional responsibility and duty of care to someone he knew perfectly well was traumatised.

It. Was. No. Fault.Of.Yours.

This advice: “If you don't want to say everything, you could approach it from "I'm so worried about him due to his mental health problems and being in hospital." - "naively".”

Take great care with that. If you call and only say you are worried about him, when (if everything works as it should) his supervisor asks why you know his personal details he will spin a kind about how you have become obsessed with him blah blah. He just will.

If you have any contact with his supervisor / the charity senior management, you must be clear about what actually happened.

I will be. It’s on Whatapp so it’s there in black and white.
Thanks again x

Whether he is vulnerable or not, be should not have started to speak to you via a diff phone ( personal phone I'm guessing) and in no way should he have disclosed his feelings. Its inappropriate and an abuse of the power and trust in the support relationship. Personally I'd report it. He could be doing this to more than just you, someone perhaps much more vulnerable.

Well done OP.

You are sounding a bit stronger.

I am a techno- numpty. Do WhatsApp messages delete / disappear if you block someone? Maybe screen shot or copy his messages into a folder so that he isn’t in your face every time you check your phone, and then block him?

It means that I have evidence of what’s been said.

Yes, which is very good.

You can send a PDF of an entire conversation to your email on WhatsApp, if that helps

Click his name above the text, and then "export chat"

Thank you so much! I know I don’t know any of you but you have really helped me with this.

I was feeling very alone and it’s been a relief being able to talk to someone without any comeback.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still worried about what’s going to happen but you guys really have helped me through a tough couple of days x

How are you @Feelinvulnerable ?

Even if you were prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt to start with, his behaviour in the last couple of days kinda proves that he's (at best) a thoughtless, selfish, inconsiderate jerk.
Why would be tell you - the person he was meant to be supporting for the past six months - that he's being taken into hospital?!
The appropriate people to tell that information to are your friends/family/housemates/cat-sitter, your own, existing, support network, NOT a brand-new friend/acquaintance.
At least being in hospital means he's now being looked after by proper healthcare professionals, who are best placed to deal with him: there is absolutely no need for you to worry about him any more!

However I do share the suspicions of other posters: that he's used the hospital line as a way of getting your attention/sympathy. It's a really common, unoriginal, tactic for crappy/ predatory men to use.

Please put everything you've said here in writing so you can fully report what's happened, both to (a) the women from the other organisation which has been supporting you (b) the safeguarding lead at the charity which employed him. The priority is (a) for you to get the support you need to get over both the original trauma, and this huge abuse of your trust and vulnerability that's retraumatised you. (b) is important for the charity to learn from its mistakes and check in with any other service users he may have behaved like this with.

I don't think that every single person with a criminal record should be barred forever from working with vulnerable adults and/or children, but it very much depends on their record/ history of offending/ nature of offences. Personally I'd be more concerned about the charity's current procedures and processes (do they have effective line management and safeguarding procedures/ training? do all their support workers understand that contacting service users and meeting them in person is not allowed at all?) than them employing reformed ex-offenders.

Which is why women continue to need women only services . There are many men who will absolutely take advantage of vulnerable women. So sorry this has happened to you. Next time look for female support if you can, although it is harder these days to find.

I’ve been pretty miserable but trying to throw myself into Christmassy stuff with the kids.
I don’t want any men around at all.

I really must speak with his worker tomorrow whilst I still have the courage because I’ve been telling myself this isn’t as big a deal as I first thought… talking myself out of it.

@Feelinvulnerable - I think you might find this rather empowering. You will actually be drawing a line in the sand for yourself for once. Doing something about it and being your own rescuer. Please call his worker. He’s very unsafe.

Thank you everyone. I contacted a member of staff from the service today who has promised to deal with the situation with great care.

I’m to wait for someone to get in touch with me with regards to further support.

I cannot put into words just how much you guys have kept me going this past week. Just wish I had come on here in the first place after the assault.

Thanks again x

That's brilliant @Feelinvulnerable and I hope you won't take it as patronising but a huge well done! Taken enormous courage and I hope if you take anything from this, you'll remember your strength in dealing with it.

Am genuinely really proud for you - I hope you're feeling OK after reporting it? Must have been nerve-wracking for you

That’s wonderful @Feelinvulnerable! I hope that this feels like the first step for you where you feel like you’re taking charge YOUR way! So proud of you!

Right, despite what he's led you to believe, and inspite of his background and MH (which he is probably lying about) this man is actually a predator. I would be surprised if you are the first woman he's done this too.

Please confide in your new support worker, and completely block his number. Don't be afraid.

Oh well done @Feelinvulnerable - that is so brave of you and absolutely the right thing to do.

That's massive, @Feelinvulnerable!! Well done! I hope you feel empowered. You should do! You just took back control of the situation.

Honestly, thank you so much everyone. Means the absolute world to me x