My support worker has feelings for me

[Feelinvulnerable]

I’m sat here shaking because I’m just in disbelief and I’m upset.
So I was assaulted by a male earlier in the year and I was referred to a charity to help me through the prosecution.
I have been at my lowest and have felt so supported by my support worker. He’s been absolutely professional and magnificent during this period.
Last week, he messaged me from a different number to say that he was leaving said organisation and we decided to stay in touch.
we also decided to meet up face to face as we had never met as the support had always been over the phone.
Never for one second did I think he would be interested in anything more than a friendship. After all, he knows just how low I am or have been.
We met for lunch just after he had been helping another service user and it’s become apparent after our conversation that he too has had a hard life and may be just as vulnerable as I.
Now this is where it gets messy… I messaged him tonight to tell him about an ongoing issue with the incident earlier in the year, and so we got talking.
A lot has transpired… this support worker has looked me up online before meeting me (no biggie - could just be curiosity), he’s now told me that I mean a lot to him and he’s disclosed some information about his background that will make him feel vulnerable.
I have made it very clear that I’m fragile and in no state to start a romantic relationship with anyone , but now I feel horrendous for him and I feel grubby like I’ve bared my soul to someone that wants to take more than what I was offering.
He has made it clear he wants it to be more than friendship.
I don’t know what to do, and I’m distraught that I’ve given him the wrong impression when I thought I was leaning on a support worker.

@Feelinvulnerable I'm so sorry you're going through this, on top of the earlier incident.

What you posted, that I've quoted, is why you need to inform his previous employer.

I understand you think he's vulnerable and don't want to 'get him in trouble' (and he's changing jobs) BUT he could be lying about his past to make you feel sorry for him and even if he's not, he's supposed to be the professional, NOT a client. He was the one working with a code of practice, not you. You should have been able to safely say anything about the previous incident without feeling more vulnerable.

You really need to report & block. If you must, send him a message saying a relationship or friendship is not appropriate & you wish him well, but do not want any further contact at all.

He's abused his position and should never be making such things clear to you.

You were seeking support and he's made you feel this way. He's horrible. Stop speaking to him. He's a bad person. He knows you're vulnerable, that isn't attractive in a good way. He wants to take advantage of you.

Stop feeling this is your fault. He is bloody disgrace and should not be working in that field. Tell his previous employers. Dont have anything more to do with him. You are absolutely ripe for exploitation and he knows it. This is how it begins. Lose him.

FFS this is some of the worst advice I've ever seen on here.

I wouldn't believe a word this man has told you about his past. Predatory and exploitative people seem to be able to read other people very well whilst simultaneously having no empathy.

I'm quite sure that a support worker jobs of any description would be exempt from the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act and require an enhanced DBS check so he is lying to you or his employer about his past. The only offences an employer might overlook for jobs of this nature are motoring offences.

You do not owe him a relationship of any description because you think he did his job. I think he is a predatory opportunist who has chosen his career path purel out of self interest.

I think you need to report him. Your concerns for yourself are understandable but it's not your responsibility to protect him from the consequences of his own actions. Nearly every job I've ever had has required an enhanced DBS and neither myself or my colleagues have ever needed to be told not to establish personal relationships with the people we're helping, training is given but it is also a very obvious breech of professional standards.

I’m feeling like I’ve taken a big hit back the way but I haven’t heard from him today so that’s good.

I don’t want anyone finding me attractive just now or anything like it just now so I think that’s what sent me into panic mode.

I know too well how that can end when you don’t want someone and they want you. I’m scared of being stalked, I’m scared of being hurt or even worse.

I absolutely trusted him as we have been speaking for around half a year now on a regular basis through the service.

I.had no idea that he would be someone with problems himself or with possible criminal history. Judgemental or not, I simply wouldn’t have opened up to him at all and laid myself bare in that way.

I’m at the point where I have to do an internal risk assessment about the men I have around me and there’s just no way I would have allowed him so near knowing what I know now.

He had been helpful, proactive and just like I imagined someone in his position should be. Now I feel disgusting.

It is too far but because of the past incident, I’m looking at how he could have come to the conclusion I wanted to be romantically involved.

Sorry, I know I’m being repetitive but it’s helping me to regurgitate my thoughts. I have read each of your replies and I am taking it all on board.

Aww OP, you haven’t done anything wrong here

1. the organisation should have done due diligence in their decision making to hire him and to also allocate him to you
2. the support worker shouldn’t have contacted you outside of his work duties
3. you should tell someone what’s happening to protect yourself. If you’re genuinely worried about your safety, understand that sometimes you can’t sort a problem of this scale out alone. other people helping you and knowing what’s going on will help. If you keep quiet, he will keep doing what he’s doing as protected by the fact no one knows.

what criminal offence did he disclose?

Also doing an internal risk assessment is good. It helps you protect yourself.

Keep this in mind: maybe you being vulnerable influences your boundaries. Other people may have gotten that message from the support worker and decided to not meet up with him and to not respond to his unprofessional message. You responded and met up with him because you trusted him and thought he was a supportive professional. He knows you’re vulnerable and essentially knew you would be an easy target because your boundaries possibly aren’t as high as someone else because of what you’ve been through. That’s why everyone on this thread is disgusted.

He sounds like a predator preying on vulnerable women.

This - it's not you it's him cross boundaries he had no business doing.

I hope you get to the point you can talk to someone about this in RL and maybe find the support to report though I understand that a hard step to take - but it's not anything you have done it's all him and I suspect it all quiet calculating and much less vulnerability than he's projected at you.

Bloody hell I really HOPE this thread isn’t real because what sort of charity would pair an older male with a criminal history with a younger female?!

It is too far but because of the past incident, I’m looking at how he could have come to the conclusion I wanted to be romantically involved.

He hasn't come to the conclusion you want to be romantically involved. He's come to the conclusion you're too vulnerable and easily manipulated to say no. You've not been putting out 'available and single' signals, you've been putting out 'vulnerable' signals, and that's what he's targeting. Don't blame yourself or go through your behaviour to see where you went wrong - you didn't. He has behaved in a predatory and manipulative fashion and should never have been in his position of trust.

Please don’t feel bad for him. I wonder if he is genuine, or just putting it on thinking that will help you bond. He is extremely unprofessional and should have never contacted you outside this setting.
I’d be very surprised if the charity used someone as fragile mentally as he says he is.
if you feel up to it - please report it to the charity- clearly something has gone very wrong with their safeguarding protocols.

I can't believe some have made excuses when it's clear he's been very predatory by seeking out a vulnerable client away from workplace which he knows isn't allowed, the sharing of his MH troubles is to fake a more intimate two way bond and gain sympathy. Blindsiding with romantic intentions when as an ex client it shouldn't even be a consideration. He knows OP is vulnerable and if cared for her wellbeing and best interests would not put his desires above. He's intentionally put your head in a spin which leaves you in a more malleable position.

Don't worry about his MH it maybe these aren't even his experiences but stolen from past clients. Even if true it's not your problem and if really so emotionally delicate that can't deal with a knock back he'd never coped in role as a support worker.

His behaviour is wrong on so many levels could you seek support from the woman's charity or another. I think it would offer you the best protection to speak out about and let them deal with reporting. I doubt it's his first time doing this tbh.

Of course it’s real. Trust me I wish it wasn’t, I wish none of this was real.

CuriousEats - 💯 nail on head

I plucked up the courage to contact live chat on the charity’s website but it wasn’t available. So I contacted the charity via live chat in a different uk country.
I explained everything and they said confirmed that even after checks, some people’s past is so far back and if they’ve reformed they can indeed be recruited as support volunteers.
I then had to answer door and then live chat had ended by the time I got back to phone.

OP, you have been let down by this charity who have allowed this awful man to attempt to prey on you like this. It’s good that you’re able to see that he would be bad news for you. It took strength to say no to him and you clearly have sound judgement.

Imagine reading an article where something similar happened to someone else - someone in a role of support to someone vulnerable trying to take advantage of them. You’d feel horrified and angry then.
Maybe someone with a learning disability whose “carer” takes all their money, or
someone in an old peoples
home “kindly” looking after their patients valuables, a school guidance teacher selling drugs to a troubled 15-year-old, Or ... well, the list is endless. This is the same thing as this guy was trying to do to you.

I’m sorry to say this, OP, but this is the opposite of what a support worker should be doing.

There’s no way of knowing how many women he’s contacting through this charity. And you can only take his word for it that he’s vulnerable - he could be mirroring you in order to fake closeness. A lot of what you describe sounds predatory.

If his story is true, the man needs professional support and shouldn’t be involved with supporting vulnerable women.

Please don't feel bad about this. It's him not you.

This thread just affirms why I am wary of “support workers”.

It’s an unregulated role and the level of “support” provided varies massively, there’s no defined scope of duties. That kind of culture lets rogue “support workers” run rampant

In my public sector role, I regularly come across support workers behaving oddly eg being sweary/aggressive when they misunderstand processes and demand something that can’t be done, setting up accounts for the service user with their own personal details and not giving that the user access to the account/password, charging unnecessary fees to the person they’re helping etc.

I think professionals in public sectors the support workers engage with (NHS, benefit offices, social workers, police, council etc) have more defined processes to report rogue colleagues and it’s more drilled in NOT to do unprofessional shit like this else you’d get sacked. Not that those departments are perfect of course.

I know too well how that can end when you don’t want someone and they want you. I’m scared of being stalked, I’m scared of being hurt or even worse.

OP, it is fully understandable that you have that fear. In fact that is a very powerful explanation of how women can feel while recovering from assault. And I worry that your instinct not to confront him is close to appeasing him, whereas the reality is that someone else needs to know about this. You cannot appease him out of being a threat without making yourself very vulnerable.

Is the charity run by fully qualified professionals? You did really well to approach them about this via Live Chat but I am not heartened by their response in minimising / explaining away a criminal record. Did you get as far as alluding to his behaviour to you? I wonder if Live Chat is run by semi qualified volunteers?

This highlights the issues with reporting. If you don’t get the response you need, you can end up feeling worse.

Is there a phone line? I wonder if you can e mail and say you need to talk with a senior staff member with safeguarding responsibility?

Between us I think we need to find you a professional advocate.

You are really in my thoughts today, OP.

Yes his behaviour has Forced Teaming written all over it.
Hope you can find the strength to report, and the support you need to finally feel safe OP

He’s messaged me to say he’s being taken to hospital, and I’m feeling sick with worry.
Should I ask the police to do a welfare check on him? I won’t reply to him but I don’t want him to harm himself.
This is horrendous. Feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.

No. You shouldn’t do anything except block
him and ignore!!

When someone was trying to control me, he said sent pretend emails (because I'd blocked him) with poor spelling, trying to show he was in such a bad way that he even write an email properly. If he's being taken to hospital what's the need for the welfare check? This situation is very worrying.

No, don't get drawn in. It's almost certainly a lie