My support worker has feelings for me

[Feelinvulnerable]

I’m sat here shaking because I’m just in disbelief and I’m upset.
So I was assaulted by a male earlier in the year and I was referred to a charity to help me through the prosecution.
I have been at my lowest and have felt so supported by my support worker. He’s been absolutely professional and magnificent during this period.
Last week, he messaged me from a different number to say that he was leaving said organisation and we decided to stay in touch.
we also decided to meet up face to face as we had never met as the support had always been over the phone.
Never for one second did I think he would be interested in anything more than a friendship. After all, he knows just how low I am or have been.
We met for lunch just after he had been helping another service user and it’s become apparent after our conversation that he too has had a hard life and may be just as vulnerable as I.
Now this is where it gets messy… I messaged him tonight to tell him about an ongoing issue with the incident earlier in the year, and so we got talking.
A lot has transpired… this support worker has looked me up online before meeting me (no biggie - could just be curiosity), he’s now told me that I mean a lot to him and he’s disclosed some information about his background that will make him feel vulnerable.
I have made it very clear that I’m fragile and in no state to start a romantic relationship with anyone , but now I feel horrendous for him and I feel grubby like I’ve bared my soul to someone that wants to take more than what I was offering.
He has made it clear he wants it to be more than friendship.
I don’t know what to do, and I’m distraught that I’ve given him the wrong impression when I thought I was leaning on a support worker.

How is he able to message you?

WhatsApp. I’m scared blocking him would escalate the situation.
What if he’s hurt himself? Omg I don’t know what to do.
Gonna try his bosses mobile number although I know it’s out of hours… do you think that’s a good idea? Oh Christ, I don’t know what to do.

If he's being taken to hospital why contact his boss? He'll be looked after in hospital.

I don’t know. I’m panicking because he’s disclosed to me that he has mental health problems.
The last thing I want is for him to have hurt himself.
Is he testing my response? My head is a mess.

He's in the best place if he's in hospital.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I'm quite disgusted. Support workers, carers, ect, all have their own lives and dealing with what they do its common for them to have their own mental health concerns. HOWEVER. Their personal life has NOTHING to do with the service user and it is NOT your responsibility to help them. They are the professional. Not you. To contact you like that outside of a professional capacity is incredibly unethical. If they need support, they need to speak to a professional themselves, not put you in this position. And it's seriously gross to attempt to start a relationship like that.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and I echo those saying report it.

I'm really worried about you OP. I honestly can't read the whole thread now but it sounds like you're not getting the support you need. Can you get therapy from another source than this organisation? And speak to someone tonight to get help with the stress you're under?

I've experienced being under someone's control during the pandemic and it's awful. When you get away from him for good you will look back and be horrified by his behaviour.

Right, I’m gonna sit tight and not do anything. I hope he’s okay, but me doing anything right now will just make things messier.

I have now confided in a friend as I was beside myself.

Thanks to everyone on this thread for your advice. It’s been so helpful being able to speak with anonymity

Why do you have his bosses mobile
number? That seems very odd

Please just block him. What he does is not your concern. He is not your responsibility. He has made himself your problem by grooming you to pity him and feel sorry for him. Just delete his number. You must be able to see how wrong this is? He should not be contacting you telling you anything about his personal life. It's nothing to do with you.

They use mobiles for the support work. It’s not her personal number!

Yes continue ignoring him. Please block him.

2 separate guys I had rejected used the "I'm going to hospital/I'm in hospital" line on me too....just to pull me back in amd make me go "Omg will I contacthis family, what if he's hurt???" just like you op.

It's just to get your attention back on him.

You owe him nothing. Block and ignore. Please.

Thank you. X

Even if he is in hospital..you still owe him nothing.

You have nothing to give him. You are working on yourself and thats all you need to do. Thats all you are responsible for.

He is responsible for himself. Nothing to do with you.
I hope you start to feel better soon op.

First of all I want to commend you for your courage speaking out and reaching out for help. I sure know this is an awful situation and you are dealing with it the best you can.

Secondly, only you know what is good for yourself and the circumstances you find yourself in. You owe nothing to anyone, be that a justification on how you decide to procede or explaining your feelings.

Everything you feel right now is VALID. Even you being worried about this other person's wellbeing which only shows that you have a good natured heart and want the best for others.

From what I read you have a good understanding of your own emotions and what your needs are right now.

I want you to focus on that. E.g what do you enjoy doing? Drawing, music, writing? Whatever it is I want you to make a priority to keep your mind busy with other things. This will hopefully ease your anxiety and can naturally cause you being less and less available via WhatsApp to respond to unwanted messages.

It's also great you have reached out to a friend, the more you talk about this the easier it will get to bear this situation mentally.
If at any point during tonight the thoughts become unbearable please call the Samaritans on 116 123. You don't have to feel suicidal to call, might feel awkward at first if you have never done it but you can do this anonymously.
Again getting your thoughts out in the open and talk might help make you feel calmer and gives you also an opportunity to talk through any course of action you want to do or not do in the future.

Lastly you can have a look on the Scottish Social Service Council (SSSC) for information about raising concerns regarding conducts of workers. This can also be done anonymously I believe. Obviously that's information for Scotland, even if you live outside Scotland I'd email or call them and they might be able to direct you to the appropriate social service council that oversees your support service.

Telephone number for SSSC: +443456030891

Raising concerns

You are brave. You matter.
Never forget that.

All the best OP, take care of yourself you got it!

That makes sense 😊

Honestly, thank you all for getting me through the last 24 hours.
He knows I’ve got a marker on my address and on my phone so hopefully he wouldn’t be so stupid to do anything.
I am going to wrap some Christmas presents tonight and have a glass of Wine to keep my mind off of everything x

I hope you feel better but if you don't please post on the thread again. It might be good to chat with someone, I found these people good to talk with and the webchat thing is amazing:

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM). You can call the CALM on 0800 58 58 58 (5pm–midnight every day) if you are struggling and need to talk. Or if you prefer not to speak on the phone , you could try the CALM webchat service.

https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/webchat/

OP, I am very glad you have spoken with a friend.

And yes, I actually think talking to his boss is a good idea. And tell the whole story.

And truly: you must block him on every means of contact.

He is absolutely targeting and exploiting your understandable fear of saying ‘no’ to him. But his stunt tonight has shown that he will keep reeling you closer and closer.

Please OP: block him. And tell his boss. For the purposes of ‘welfare check’ if you like but explain your own distress and how it has come about.

Honestly, call the police for a welfare check. His previous history may have been doing exactly this with other vulnerable women.

His behaviour is completely inappropriate.
I think for your own future safety though, you need to learn boundaries. It wasn't appropriate to speak to him about further issues, outside of the professional relationship.

I completely believe you OP and I'm utterly shocked that a male support worked would be paired with a woman, especially a woman who has recently been attacked my a male. Whoever set this up shouldn't be in their role.

I agree with everybody else here (well apart from about two posts).

I think you should call his boss and tell them everything.

I can understand why you wouldn't, but you've got the number... If you don't want to say everything, you could approach it from "I'm so worried about him due to his mental health problems and being in hospital." - "naively".

And in case there's even a sliver of doubt left that he's completely wrong, let's imagine everything he said was true and genuine. He still shouldn't have told you because it completely prioritises him and centres him. If he cared about you, he wouldn't tell you this stuff because he wouldn't want to unsettle you or undermine the support you've had (note not the support you've received from him, but the feelings of support you've had) which has been helping. He would want the best for you. So even the best case scenario that he's genuine and not an predatory arse, means he's a horrifically self-centred, mean individual.

The feelings of regret at sharing details with him are the feelings he should have. Same as when someone feels shame after being sexually abused. The bad feelings are actually what the other person should be feeling, but somehow it's always the victim who takes them on.

Does he know you're on Mumsnet? If so you may want to name change.

I absolutely accept that I let him in, and I will not trust another soul again, so boundaries shouldn’t be too much of an issue.

No, I just joined although I’ve been a lurker for years.