My support worker has feelings for me

[Feelinvulnerable]

I’m sat here shaking because I’m just in disbelief and I’m upset.
So I was assaulted by a male earlier in the year and I was referred to a charity to help me through the prosecution.
I have been at my lowest and have felt so supported by my support worker. He’s been absolutely professional and magnificent during this period.
Last week, he messaged me from a different number to say that he was leaving said organisation and we decided to stay in touch.
we also decided to meet up face to face as we had never met as the support had always been over the phone.
Never for one second did I think he would be interested in anything more than a friendship. After all, he knows just how low I am or have been.
We met for lunch just after he had been helping another service user and it’s become apparent after our conversation that he too has had a hard life and may be just as vulnerable as I.
Now this is where it gets messy… I messaged him tonight to tell him about an ongoing issue with the incident earlier in the year, and so we got talking.
A lot has transpired… this support worker has looked me up online before meeting me (no biggie - could just be curiosity), he’s now told me that I mean a lot to him and he’s disclosed some information about his background that will make him feel vulnerable.
I have made it very clear that I’m fragile and in no state to start a romantic relationship with anyone , but now I feel horrendous for him and I feel grubby like I’ve bared my soul to someone that wants to take more than what I was offering.
He has made it clear he wants it to be more than friendship.
I don’t know what to do, and I’m distraught that I’ve given him the wrong impression when I thought I was leaning on a support worker.

This

This is so very wrong. So unprofessional.

I just wanted to echo other responses. I hope you can find it in you to report him to his ex employer. You should not be in this position to worry about him and what to do. You feel grubby because your alarm bells are telling you this is off, while he is telling you you have a connection. This conflict is why you feel so bad. He is fully aware of this and is breaking many rules that he knows full well not to. Block, run and if you can possibly find the strength, report. I'm very sorry that you have found yourself in this position while seeking help.

I’m also concerned that he’s telling you about his “murky past” - there’s an inherent threat in that. He knows how vulnerable and fearful you are, and he’s playing on that to silence you.

I am so sorry you’ve been put in this position OP, if you can tell someone please do, but otherwise definitely block/grey rock.

I'm so angry that this predatory creep has done this to you. Do not for a moment worry about his mental health. He is a manipulative predator who knows exactly what he's doing.

I think you would be justified in reporting him but if you don’t want to then you don’t have to. You can instead have no further contact with him. Most people do not retaliate if they are turned down, most people feel a bit embarrassed, disappointed and then leave it alone.

As if you didn't have enough on your plate, you now have to worry about his mental health? He is so out of order - you really do have to report him.

This is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong.

He sounds like a predatory man who has manoeuvred himself into a position where he can find and exploit vulnerability. The fact you feel fear of not complying with what he wants speaks volumes.

They will report him 💯 and view this as a safeguarding issue.

This tells you it really is a safeguarding issue, you're not making this up, or blowing it out of proportion. **

Would you be able to seek support from this organisation without naming names initially? Please, if you can, feed back the information you have and get help.

I assume that while he was working for his previous employer he would have been allocated more than one case. You may well not be the only woman that he is targeting…some may be more unquestioning than you. If you can you really should report him to help to ensure that any other potential ‘victims’ are safe.

Wishing you all the best, he has put you in a horrible position 💐💐

Op I echo all the other advice.

But I also just wanted to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you.

Abusive men find us vulnerable women and use our fears against us. And this creep had full access to your every fear. I'd bet he doesn't have a murky past, everything he's told you is to manipulate you. And it's working because he's already got you worried for him, scared to report him etc.

I hope that today is easier for you. That panic mode is horrendous I know x

Block, delete, do not contact in any way. Lock down or deactivate all social media. Don’t accept any new requests and ask friends and family to do the same. Report him to the organisation and ask for their advice to further handle the situation. Inform your work place (can keep personal details vague).

If I am genuine? Wow! I really don’t know what to say to this? Not a very necessary comment from you to be honest, but hope it made you feel better for getting it off your chest.
Blatantly you thought it was okay to insinuate this scenario is fabricated when clearly I’m distraught about the whole thing.
You find it hard to believe, well sadly it’s true. I had absolutely no reason not to have him because I am well aware that not every man on this planet has bad intentions.

Last year my vulnerable friend found herself in a similar situation with her support worker which culminated in him repeatedly escorting her to the bank to withdraw sums of cash until he had cleaned her out of over £1300. He then vanished without trace and the money was never returned. He was very careful to tell her she wasn't allowed to tell any of us about it because he would get in lots of trouble. It is extremely unlikely that he had never taken advantage of a vulnerable client before. This is a deeply inappropriate relationship and he has already crossed lines here. Please report this as you may not be the first person he has developed an inappropriate relationship with.

Everything about him sounds wrong. He’s disclosed his own troubles, he’s ‘left’ the organisation and wants to stay in contact, he knows your trauma but hasn’t put in any boundaries to protect you or him.

I know it’s going to be hard to report but I doubt that you are the first (and won’t be the last) woman that he’s done this to. Reporting is about protecting yourself rather than getting him in trouble.

I’m sorry that you are going through this.

@MilkyWaytoday you would be surprised! It shouldn’t happen but I was assigned a male after an attack and I work with men who work with women who have had horrendous experiences (the men that I work and the man that I was assigned are all much more professional than op’s support worker).

You would be wrong in that assumption - women can often find it difficult to get women support workers and in that time of vulnerability can often find it hard to speak up and ask for a women when one is allocated by whichever charity has the contract for support - because "charity".

Its also often hard to be sure of female support in psychiatric and medical care, even when women have experienced traumatic abuse by men.

No idea why you would assume otherwise.

I believe you totally. For professional reasons I met many vulnerable people and did indeed become vulnerable myself for a while after two close bereavements. Abusers often choose careers or do voluntary work where they know they will come in to contact with vulnerable people especially women and children, it’s a sad fact. They are also almost always invariably men.

No health or support worker should ever be in touch with a client in this way. It’s not your fault but unfortunately you are vulnerable and abusers literally sniff out the vulnerable. If a support worker had asked for my number I would have reported them immediately, he got to know you so knew you had poor boundaries, it’s not your fault it is entirely his fault.

All the murky stuff and being ill himself is most definitely a manipulation tactic.
Any organisation that helps the vulnerable will by default attract abusers it’s a real issue. You must report him to the organisation.

His well being is not your problem. Predators seek out opportunities to access victims, will have a fine set of stories to coerce and convince already vulnerable people and will target organisations like victim support charityies to find their prey..

You absolutely need to report and share any messages/mails/texts with his employer as well as informing the police or whoever has contracted this organisation to provide this abuser in the guise of a support worker. You also need to tell them you feel threatened as well as exploited by him.

Can you find someone from an actual women's support group to accompany you or support you through the process?

@Feelinvulnerable A few things leap off the page to those of us this side of the screen

1. He targeted you, very deliberately
2. He was probably sacked, he may have been erratic at work
3. Or he may have no MH issues, he is using that, very successfully, to control your response
4. Whichever is true his behaviour has keyed perfectly into your own issues, leaving you feeling utterly defenceless, bereft
5. He is using you to shore up his own life. He needs help

What we ALL want you to do is tell the first support worker you see today. We want you to tell his last employer, they need to know he has issues, that he needs help, he isn't coping ad you definitely don't need his continued attention.

We want you to be safe. To feel safe. And, possibly more importantly, to feel as though YOU are in control of this.

Take that first step... step out of your panic response. You can do this.

What a dirty, creepy predator he is, and I doubt you’re the only one he’s attempting to abuse. Report him and block.

I am so so sorry this has happened to you. You must be feeing utterly hideous and terrified.

But. You have to tell someone. I know you're scared of retaliation - but you need to report for his sake, not just your own. It will be horrible for him in the short term, but this is someone who obviously needs some help and support of his own. He isn't in a safe enough place to be offering support to other people.

And, on top of that, you need to be able to get the support and help you need. This has retraumatised you - which is completely understandable - and you really need support with that.

Again, I am so sorry.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Troll hunting is not allowed, you should have reported this thread if you didn’t think it was genuine. Instead, so arrogant in your assertions, you come on here and call a rape survivor a liar? Did you stop and consider for even a second that you might be wrong, and the impact those words would have on OP, or did the need to demonstrate your ‘superior wisdom’ just too much to resist?

Idiot.

One thing I do know is that he takes antipsychotics. He is a lot older than me and really has been such a help through my dark times but that’s what this organisation (charity) is for.

I won’t maintain any relationship in any form now with him, but I do worry that he is vulnerable too. After reading so many of your helpful comments I see that this is silly for me to be thinking like this, but I do worry because I almost feel indebted to this man for all of his help.

I am also disappointed that the charity have used someone with a self-declared criminal past (albeit a long time ago according to him and it must be to pass checks) and a fragile state of mind for this kind of work.

All I wanted was support and instead I’ve now got another problem that’s making me feel unsafe. He hasn’t indicated that he’s going to do something bad or retaliate - that’s my past frightening me for sure.

My natural reaction is that is he will now act badly towards me because I’ve told him I don’t want him. That’s not to say he will, but I just feel so uneasy and vulnerable.

I do worry because I almost feel indebted to this man for all of his help.

That's part of the manipulation and what he wants.

OP, I am so sorry all of this has happened to you. Of course you feel violated and betrayed, horrendous that your support turned out to be a trap.

He was incredibly manipulative to tell you about his own history and MH. Getting you hooked in to his story was all part of a manipulative abusive strategy.

He was provided as a resource by a charity set up to do that. He has betrayed that service as well as exploiting you.

You are not his support worker. And based on his behaviour, he is not your friend. So you have not one jot of responsibility for his well being in any way.

Do whatever you can do to look after your own well-being as your priority. I really hope you can find support from a woman counsellor.

Reporting is of course up to you, your own decision. But you may feel, in time, empowered if you do. So whatever you decide for now maybe store any messages he sent you? Just to give you a choice at some time.

Bloody hell, OP, I am so angry that you were treated like this, and I know not all men are like that (blah blah) but enough are and we need women, women, women to help us when we have been victims of male assault.