My support worker has feelings for me

[Feelinvulnerable]

I’m sat here shaking because I’m just in disbelief and I’m upset.
So I was assaulted by a male earlier in the year and I was referred to a charity to help me through the prosecution.
I have been at my lowest and have felt so supported by my support worker. He’s been absolutely professional and magnificent during this period.
Last week, he messaged me from a different number to say that he was leaving said organisation and we decided to stay in touch.
we also decided to meet up face to face as we had never met as the support had always been over the phone.
Never for one second did I think he would be interested in anything more than a friendship. After all, he knows just how low I am or have been.
We met for lunch just after he had been helping another service user and it’s become apparent after our conversation that he too has had a hard life and may be just as vulnerable as I.
Now this is where it gets messy… I messaged him tonight to tell him about an ongoing issue with the incident earlier in the year, and so we got talking.
A lot has transpired… this support worker has looked me up online before meeting me (no biggie - could just be curiosity), he’s now told me that I mean a lot to him and he’s disclosed some information about his background that will make him feel vulnerable.
I have made it very clear that I’m fragile and in no state to start a romantic relationship with anyone , but now I feel horrendous for him and I feel grubby like I’ve bared my soul to someone that wants to take more than what I was offering.
He has made it clear he wants it to be more than friendship.
I don’t know what to do, and I’m distraught that I’ve given him the wrong impression when I thought I was leaning on a support worker.

They will report him 💯 and view this as a safeguarding issue. I can’t risk that.

These men are attracted to vulnerable women for a reason @Feelinvulnerable . Please report him. He may not have left the company voluntarily and you may not have been the only woman for whom he had developed “feelings”. The fact that you are afraid of his reaction is incredibly telling.

please talk to someone about this in real life, you don’t have to go through this alone x

just say he does get reported. ultimately what he has done is unethical but he hasn’t committed a crime so don’t worry to much about him being angry. there likely will be no punishment for him as he doesn’t work for his employer anymore and nothing criminal has happened yet. therefore anything that happens to him will be proportionate ie he may be told to delete your number and to not do this again. it won’t be life changing for him if he does get reported. but it will give you peace of mind and help you feel less anxious knowing he won’t come back.

But this man is no stranger… he knows my place of work, and no doubt my address.
He also disclosed he has a murky past and is rather troubled mentally, so I am genuinely worried about his well-being too:

it’s such a horrible situation and I just wish it wasn’t the happening.

What makes you think he will visit your home or your address?

What exactly are you worried he will do? Cause your concerns may mean you to need to report him to the police especially if he’s unstable/unpredictable

ultimately his issues aren’t your problem, you need to protect yourself first and foremost. you don’t need to concern yourself with his well being

The exact same thing happened to me many years ago. Male psychiatric social worker dealing with my childhood sexual abuse turned the sensitive subject into how he found me sexually attractive and how our Star signs aligned. He was married and probably 15 years older than me. I stopped the counselling sessions by avoiding later appts. 36 years later am still haunted by his betrayal of my vulnerability and why I didn't report him.

I was assaulted by a male in my own home so I think I’m paranoid about that happening again. What if he is dodgy?
I’m just a panicked mess just now and I feel so vulnerable.

see if you report this to the police:

1. they can place a marker on your home address so any incidents are prioritised
2. they have a record of your concerns
3. they won’t do anything to the man as he hasn’t committed a crime

so overall you get some extra protection and he won’t be “tipped off” that you reported him

There is already a marker on my phone and home address due to what happened to me earlier in the year.

This is not your fault op. I'm so angry on your behalf.

Are you sure he wasn't sacked from the the organization ? I definitely would contact them .

So sorry OP. He sounds like a predator preying on vulnerable women. Please report him as he’s likely to carry on doing it to others too. I don’t even understand these organisations that are pairing vulnerable women with male ‘support workers’ because that automatically creates a power imbalance, making the woman even more vulnerable. I mean the fact he looked you up before meeting you sounds odd and unprofessional and premeditated in a way, like he was looking for something. This isn’t your fault OP it’s all his fault, I’m angry for you.

That’s good, the police obviously are concerned about your well being then. Don’t be afraid to contact them if you need some extra support. And the charities that are helping you can offer you emotional support x

The sad reality is that now I feel like I can’t trust anyone. I felt like I could completely open up to him, which I have. Look what’s happened.

Oh op

You're in a panic state at the moment, as you said, which means it's hard for you to think this through rationally (but I'm not suggesting you're irrational) and it's compounded by the traumatic experience you've been through.

The priority is to make sure you feel safe and you can work out how best to do that.

We advise that this breach of professional conduct needs to be reported because then remedial steps can be taken to ensure that you are safe and feel it, too.

If you do nothing, you will continue to worry and panic about what might happen without the support and reassurance of others.

Shed a light on what's happened here - fear hides in darkness.

If you share what's occurred with the people around you, not only will they take steps to make sure you remain protected but they'll be able to help and support you through the confusion and fear that you experience as a result.

Please don't try to do this alone.

There's a reason he told you things to make it sound like he's vulnerable and that's to ensure your silence. You can take your power back here, though, and ensure that you are safe and supported with the help of others.

As a pp said, he hasn't committed a crime so nothing bad will happen to him. It may even be the trigger needed for him to get the right help and support that he needs.

Trauma means we think of the worst imaginable scenarios when we're under stress, because our self-protection system goes into overdrive. You need the support of others to help manage the fear and anxiety and reassure you that these worst things won't happen.

And we will support you every step too.

You know this, that you need others to help you through this new thing, because you've reached out to us here. Read this thread back as many times as you need when you're in a less heightened state of being.

For now, try to centre yourself so that you can get some rest. Do you have any techniques that help or would you like us to offer some guidance?

The fear of consequences for him and yourself is with you now. I recognise that we're not likely to banish these fears for you overnight.

But what you can do, is you have a choice.

You can sit alone with this new additional fear and panic or you can take a little step and share it with someone around you and go forward with the help and support of others.

We'll be here either way, but the choice is yours and whatever you decide we will support you. It's ok.

So disturbed by your post, had to comment. For many years I worked in frontline services supporting vulnerable people. Unsurprisingly (and quite rightly) the #1 rule: female clients only worked 1:1 with female support workers in a safe and trusting space to explore their issues.

🚩The agency should NEVER have assigned you a male 1:1 worker. Besides which, ALL workers (M&F)should have been trained in the fundamentals of safeguarding, upholding safe boundaries etc.

Although I’ve moved on from my line of work, all workers had to refrain from connecting socially with ex-clients for a minimum of 3 years - firm boundaries for the benefit of client and worker alike.

Hope you’re ok, dear OP - if you feel able, please REPORT this issue to the agency (get a female friend alongside for support) ASAP 🚩The behaviour of this male worker is totally unethical and he is unfit to work with vulnerable people. Block his number, and report. No need to feel guilty - the bang out-of-order behaviour is his responsibility.

Haven’t yet read your additional comments, lest I go into orbit, grrr. Sending you best wishes, stay steady 🌺 x

This sounds like an awful situation and absolutely not your fault at all. Please try to confide in one of the new workers and report this person. As for his ‘mental state’ - 1) he may have fabricated that as he is a predator, he has betrayed your trust and therefore you cannot believe anything he says
-2) if he has got mental issues then one of the first rules of counselling/therapy is that you do not use a client to work out your own issues, if something triggers a counsellor/therapist then that is something they need to work through with their counsellor/therapist. So please do not feel as though you owe this man anything if he has disclosed things from his own personal life.

so sorry that you have been put in this terrible position x

This!

You are not responsible for his mental wellbeing, no matter how fragile his mental health is.

He sounds predatory and the 'disclosures' may be manipulative rather than genuine.

I refuse to see men whenever possible in these situations. Had a very weird psychiatric social worker after I had PND and they make me feel uncomfortable.

I immediately wondered about this too.

OP, I'm gobsmacked you've been put in this position, it's a disgrace.

Please reach out to a woman you can trust in real life. This is terribly unfair on you (as if you didn't have enough to deal with) and you badly need some trusted support. Thinking of you XX

What @DissidentDaughter said. I still have past vulnerable clients try to add me on social media - all lovely people and I'd love to see what they're up to now but I decline, because boundaries! I'm no longer in a role where I could support them.

What's he's doing is appalling OP, really appalling - using his own past traumas to bond with you is particularly shameful. I'd put good money on it all being bullshit - these people are very manipulative - he's heard your story, he knows the strings to pull to make you feel compassionate towards him. I know someone who did exactly this - I bet he told you he's never shared his story with anybody else, and is only telling you because you have such an amazing connection? I promise you OP, 9 out of 10 times it will be bullshit - and you're probably not the first vulnerable client he's done this too. Regardless of whether it's true or not though it's a really scummy thing for him to do to someone working through trauma. The relationship you have with him is supposed to be about your healing, he's made it about his nob

I can understand your reluctance to report him, especially with everything you've been through (remember, he knows this too - that's why he feel emboldened to act this way) but please at the very least block him on everything. Don't let him use your experiences against you

What a complete fucking asshole!

I am so sorry that you've been let down so badly OP, both by the man and the organisation Men should never be trusted in these roles, ever.

Maybe one day in the future you'll be up for reporting him but you don't need to right now.

No need to cause bother, just cut all contact.