To ask SS to leave

[fisher7]

I feel awful writing this but I'm at a loss on what to do next

18yo SS lives with me full time, his mum passed away 9 years ago and my DH passed away during the first lockdown which hit us all hard. He had the choice of going and living with his aunt (mums sister) but he declined as he wanted to stay with me and she lived quite far away.

He attended counselling for a while but then stopped as he said it wasn't helping, he did go back to his old self eventually and seemed to have been coping fine.

Before he turned 18, he'd only drank once with his friends which was at 17 about 6 months before his 18th. Since he's turned 18, he goes out and drinks almost everyday, he's even smoked weed a few times. He spends most of his day on his Xbox, he doesn't help around the house with tidying etc.

Earlier, he was out and me and the other rest of us ate dinner, one of the DC’s washed up as it's their turn he got back and ate his dinner and then left his plate on the side. I asked him to wash it up, he said no and told me to do it, I told him he's an adult now etc which led to him shouting that I'm not his mum so I can't tell him what to do, he hates me, wishes I died and not his dad etc. DS(13) then came down and told him to leave me alone, SS then started shouting at him that he can't tell him what to do either and pushed him and went to his room.

DS is fine but has said he doesn't want to go to his dads tomorrow and leave me with SS. I have been to speak to SS and he's apologised and I've asked if he'll speak to me properly tomorrow when the other children are at school but he's refused and told me to leave him alone.

I know I probably am, but will I BU to ask him to leave and stay somewhere else?

Tell him it isn't personal-nobody gets to live in your house who pushes other people around and does not do his fair share of the housework.

This.

This sounds very hard for him and you.

I feel very sorry for him but aggression of any type is completely unacceptable.

Your son is clearly affected and fearful for you.

Completely unacceptable.

He needs to go to his aunt and take some time out.

I would make it very clear that while you love him deeply, you don't accept ANY aggression from ANY male and he has crossed a line with you.

I would tell you the same if it was your own son, and I have two.

All bets are off when aggression is exhibited.

Life is hard and he cannot be allowed to think that others will put up with whatever behaviour he wants to dish out.

Thereon lies behaviour that will end up with him being an abusive waster.

You can be loving and kind whilst having firm boundaries and letting him know he has now crossed a line.

You need your own son to see your boundaries too.

What a sad situation. Unfortunately he does now need to go as you have a violent, abusive man in the house. He should go somewhere where a man is present. It's very sad for him.

In MN world do kids and siblings not physically fight? It was a push me and my brother used to scrap all the time only stopped late teens early 20s.

OP, everyone in your household is grieving. It makes everything different and there are obviously posters here who’ve never parented bereaved children and don’t understand the effects of childhood trauma. You can acknowledge that and that your SS in particular is in need of support without saying he can stay in your house without boundaries. You need to talk to him at a time when he’s calm and hasn’t been drinking. Reassure him that you’ll always be there to support him, but that you have to balance the needs of all the children in the house and that he can’t continue living there if the younger children aren’t safe. Offer him support to get his emotions under better control. College obviously isn’t for him at the minute, but he needs to get into work or training. Doing that will reduce his time for drinking and brooding. Set a timescale for him doing that. It sounds like he needs counselling, but setting up too many demands at once will only make him more likely to fall.

Most of all, make it clear that you are his parent and will be there for him but that doesn’t mean he gets to do what he wants and continue living in the house.

Not sure avoid the snarky “MN world” but I’ve got 3 siblings and we’ve never physically fought since we were tiny. It’s not abnormal, it’s normal and a sign of a well adjusted healthy upbringing. I’m sorry that wasn’t the case for you but it’s nothing to brag about.

That poor, poor boy. His behaviour isn't exactly rare for someone his age and he's dealing with life changing grief.

Please stick by him

I think my point - wilfully misunderstood? - is that when someone is testing boundaries, you reassure them by demonstrating where the boundaries exist. My stepson had a difficult time in later adolescence. He lived with us for limited periods but there was a time when we asked him to leave. He was smoking skunk and this had a really bad impact on everybody else in the family. He did go, but we always stayed in touch/kept up regular contact. Ultimately he's doing fine now and we have a good relationship. I think now - and perhaps even then - he appreciates/appreciated d our consistency and reliability.

I think those who say, 'Poor child' may not fully appreciate how destructive weed is and how impossible it is to deal with addictive behaviour until the addict is ready to change.

Can you look at going back to counselling? Maybe suggest you go together?
I can remember one of my friend’s dc hit problems as a teenager and it was all related to the death of her father when she was 4. The counsellor said it often comes back to bite them on the bum ( her words) when they’re teenagers.

I’m so sorry for your loss , dealing with your own loss is bad enough but when it affects multiple children too it’s even tougher.
All his behaviour is because he’s hurting, he doesn’t hate you, but I think professional help is needed.

You're right. It's quite horrible to see.

Not for the first time I’ve wished mn would let you block individual posters

I would take the confusing threads over having to read some peoples word vomit ever again.

OP, Im sorry for your loss. It must have been so much to cope with during lockdown becoming the only adult in the house.

If the example here is the worst your ss has done then I think you really need to pull it together and think through this problem.
Teens are dicks sometimes and grieving people lash out sometimes.
Throwing him out for this would be a massive over reaction and if 5 years time when your 13yo is 18 you’re going to need the strategies you’ve learned with your step son because teens is a bumpy road without major trauma to contend with.

I do think it’s important that you make it clear his behaviour won’t be tolerated long term and that if it continues or escalates to dangerous levels you should be clear with him that you will tell him to leave if he poses a threat to the rest of the house.

There is a line between coddling and just washing your hands of him.

He needs support now more than ever if his life isn’t going to tank out of control

I think those who say, 'Poor child' may not fully appreciate how destructive weed is and how impossible it is to deal with addictive behaviour until the addict is ready to change

Or the damage that’s done to other children living in the same household. There’s an astounding lack of sympathy for OP’s son who’s already scared for her and being pushed in his own home.

Sending him to his aunts isn’t going to make all of this magically disappear. You’re all in an awful and complex situation which sounds really hard, but there’s no short cut to a resolution.

Of course they do - but when drink and drugs are fuelling arguments, those pushes and shoves can get out of hand, and someone - usually the smaller someone - can get seriously hurt.

Tough love is banal, unimaginative, and ineffective. Especially when it comes to children. Tough love is absolutely nothing in comparison to nurturing love.

I agree.

The term ‘tough love’ should be banned as it’s got nothing to do with love and it’s just as excuse to be a negligent parent.

I think those who say, 'Poor child' may not fully appreciate how destructive weed is and how impossible it is to deal with addictive behaviour until the addict is ready to change

Most people will take some form of drug in their life, especially weed or alcohol and especially teenagers.

Weed is no more dangerous than any other drug or lack of sleep, isolation, depression etc.

Yes OP needs to have boundaries and it shouldn’t be smoked in the house or encouraged or anything but I think the weed is the smallest issue here.

I would deal with the issue of not going to college/working first.

I would also deal with how he’s getting his money as this could also be an issue.

Actions have consiquences... hes a fully grown man yelling that he wishes his step mother was dead and assaulting a young teen.

Take out the dead parents bit because while sad is actually irrelivant (not even fresh deaths, we are talking up to a decade old so this inst kneejerk reaction) and of course he shouldnt be allowed to terrorize the household.

OP has to protect the child living there, this adult even if his parents where alive would be expected to grow up and move out and definately wouldnt get away with that behavior.

Not having parents isnt a free pass to not having punishment for bad behavior, in absense of his parents being able to correct it its OP job too now and if his dad wouldnt have put up with it (and really who would) then OP shouldn't.

This is really really sad.

I'm not going to advise you on what to do. Weed in the house and shoving younger siblings isn't acceptable so I'm not judging for considering kicking him out. BUT all I will say is, I think you should imagine what you would do if it was your own biological child behaving like this and try to treat this young man in the same way. If you've been in his life since he was 6/7 then it's irrelevant that you're not biologically related, especially as he's lost his parents.

Such great advice! It's so hard for you OP, and so hard for your SS.

@mam0918 'not even fresh deaths'?! Did you seriously mean to type that?

You’d have to be an utter moron to get into a relationship with a man with a young child, marry them and not have a discussion about what would happen if both biological parents passed away. The attitude towards this kid is appalling by some posters (not by the OP though).

I feel so sorry for that poor boy and you . You are both grieving the loss of someone that you love while still trying to live a normal life. I would suggest that your SS needs counselling and maybe the two of you attend some together to try and figure out this new dynamic . The fact that he has just turned 18 may be weighing on him and the fact that he is no longer a child, so you have no responsibility to put a roof over his head. Your home has been his home for a long time and he may be worried that you will kick him out of the only place that he still has memories of his Father.

I would ask at college if there is a mentoring service, so that he has someone he can 'off load' to and who would support him through his course.
He sounds as though he is a lost little boy who doesn't know where he fits in the world as it is now and needs to know that you are not going to abandon him. Have a chat and tell him that rules still apply and that you are a team at home that you want him to be a part of. Good luck

@Nosleepforthismum "You’d have to be an utter moron to get into a relationship with a man with a young child, marry them and not have a discussion about what would happen if both biological parents passed away. The attitude towards this kid is appalling by some posters (not by the OP though)."

Never had this discussion with my DH or his ex wife about his kids. Ever. And we all get on.

I don't think this is helpful for the OP...

Completely agree with @Annabelle3 . He needs to leave the house and grieve in his own space and reflect on his future.

There should be zero tolerance to male violence, particularly if directed at a woman or 13 year old child who cannot defend themselves. Bet he would not do it to a beefy man in the house. OP and her son are completely vulnerable. Heartbreaking that a 13 year old does not feel safe leaving his mother alone in the house with the SS. This is not a one-off incident. They are both living in fear.

The OP and her son are entitled to live without threat of violence or aggression from an adult male in the house. It is the same whether that male is a spouse, adult son or step son. I cannot believe the apologists for male violence. I would call the police, ask my dh to leave if he lifted a finger.

The OP should lay down some clear boundaries with her SS for future behaviour after which he is out. She can continue to support him to move to his aunt's or with expenses whilst he transitions to his new arrangements.