To ask SS to leave

[fisher7]

I feel awful writing this but I'm at a loss on what to do next

18yo SS lives with me full time, his mum passed away 9 years ago and my DH passed away during the first lockdown which hit us all hard. He had the choice of going and living with his aunt (mums sister) but he declined as he wanted to stay with me and she lived quite far away.

He attended counselling for a while but then stopped as he said it wasn't helping, he did go back to his old self eventually and seemed to have been coping fine.

Before he turned 18, he'd only drank once with his friends which was at 17 about 6 months before his 18th. Since he's turned 18, he goes out and drinks almost everyday, he's even smoked weed a few times. He spends most of his day on his Xbox, he doesn't help around the house with tidying etc.

Earlier, he was out and me and the other rest of us ate dinner, one of the DC’s washed up as it's their turn he got back and ate his dinner and then left his plate on the side. I asked him to wash it up, he said no and told me to do it, I told him he's an adult now etc which led to him shouting that I'm not his mum so I can't tell him what to do, he hates me, wishes I died and not his dad etc. DS(13) then came down and told him to leave me alone, SS then started shouting at him that he can't tell him what to do either and pushed him and went to his room.

DS is fine but has said he doesn't want to go to his dads tomorrow and leave me with SS. I have been to speak to SS and he's apologised and I've asked if he'll speak to me properly tomorrow when the other children are at school but he's refused and told me to leave him alone.

I know I probably am, but will I BU to ask him to leave and stay somewhere else?

Stop minimising male aggression.

He pushed his younger step-brother.

His younger step-brother is now too scared to go to his dad’s because it would leave his mum alone with him.

FFS

Yes he pushed his brother and went up to the room because he felt cornered - hardly aggressive is it.

It’s different if he physically hit one of them or was aggressive even though unprovoked.

He had a short outburst which is not uncommon in teens or adults with MH issues.
His behaviour was wrong but doesn’t warrant kicking out or calling the police.
Even as adults we sometimes shout out of frustration.

Calling the police because he pushed his brother is completely irrational.

@Suffrajitsu Wow...3 years and he should be over his grief!! I hope you never go through multiple bereavements. There is no timetable for grief but various stages and anger is a known stage. The poor lad would have been going through the most horrendous time.

Op, anger/rebellion in teens is often depression. He clearly needs help to process what has happened to him. He is angry, understandably. He has been dealt a really awful hand in life. When a child loses a parent they realise life is short & unfair and it can make them feel that there is no point in trying. Why would you bother studying when life can end very quickly?

How is his relationship with his aunt? Is he supposed to be at college?

FFS, pushing someone IS physical aggression. But in your eyes, it doesn't count because OP and her son are only step-mum and step-brother.

He pushed his younger brother but yet you expect us to believe HE felt cornered? Pull the other one

Teenage boys are hard work. Mine has been a nightmare starting age 17, ie drinking, dangerous behaviour, weed , other drugs etc. He's nearly 20 and he's come out the other side. Doesn't drink that often but still worries me when he's out at the weekend and gets bladdered. He has not had any bereavement or any trauma to deal with. Understandably, these difficult years are going to be harder for your SS.

If you can, please do try to continue to be his parent, his family, but obviously you both need a serious talk about how you move forward. Tbh shoving dc may mean he sees him as a brother, it's what many boys do to their siblings. Obviously he can't do it again.

When my son dropped out of college, age 17, I told him I would support him whatever he wanted to do, but he had to do something. College or work, immediately. He got a job, after doing some work experience with a few different people ( I arranged the work experience) and a few job changes later, is settled and happier. I explained to him when he quit college that humans need to be busy or they get mental health problems, so although spending his days playing x box might initially seem fun, in reality he would end up depressed, unhappy and skint. So that he could do anything he wanted, as long as it was a job or college.
Besr of luck, I hope you find your way through this.

Unfortunately you don't just stop parenting when they turn 18. You took on the husband and the child. You need to guide him like you would your child you birthed.
Honestly.....I'm shocked!

Has he recently turned 18? Could he be pushing boundaries and pushing you away because he suspects that you only let him stay with you because he was a child and he’s worried that you’ll kick him out now that he’s 18 and you view him as an adult? The whole ‘you’re not my real mum’ thing could be that he’s worried that you don’t view him as your ‘real’ child and he’s lashing out because of it.

teenagers are often hard work, a grieving teenager even more so.

Would you send your own child to live with their aunt in this situation I suspect not. After, presumably, 9 years living with you he is your child.

Sit him down, explain how hurt you are as you consider him as much your child as your son - but you wont put up with being abused in your own home. Therefore he has to start contributing to the household by washing up and other such activities. There will be no more pushing his younger sibling. If he is not studying then you will help him look for work and he can return to study when he is ready to do so but he doesnt get to do nothing.

He's crying out for help.

I would speak to his aunt and explain the situation. I wouldn't just say go live with her. Maybe you two can work together to try and salvage things with him?

You wouldn’t tell your biological son to leave though if he behaved the same. You took him on when you married his dad, you need to carry on with that responsibility no matter how hard. He’s been through, and is still experiencing, unimaginable suffering and pain. You need to sit him down when he’s calm and say things need to change and you want to help him. You all need to find a way of living together. 18 is still a child in many ways.

i would tell him he is your son and will be treated just like your own because you care about him. And because you care about his future you will have high expectations. And then I think you just treat him like you would your own DS if he went off the rails a bit due to an identity crisis/trauma of losing both parents so young. Would you kick your own DS out in the same situation? If yes, then go ahead.
I really think he needs to feel that you are his mum.

What has he had in the way of counselling? He has been through the terrible trauma of losing both parents at a very young age- I am not at all surprising that it is manifesting like this.

Whether it's the right thing for him to stay with his aunt for a while is something for you all to discuss, and either way you need to be very clear with him about what is not acceptable (with pushing your son at the top of the list). But simply to tell him to leave would be appalling- he needs much more support, not less.

Rather than hit the nuclear option and ask him to leave, could you ask the aunt to intervene asap and talk to him about his behaviour? It could be he's acting up precisely because he's scared he's going to lose you and his home – that if he pushes you enough, his fears will be realised and then he can tell himself I told you so. It's warped thinking, but it's what people often do when they fear loss.

Sorry but you're grieving too, you also have a DS who needs you as he's 13.

SS is a man, an adult. Yes he lost his father but you lost your husband. You've had to be strong for the pair of you and no doubt it hit your DS too

I would tell him straight, you either show some respect and stop acting like a child or you leave. You have the right to feel safe in your home, as does your DS. He pushed him. That's unacceptable. It's assault. And once they start they don't stop.

I would call the aunt and say he needs to go to her. I hope she's being supportive of you.

This. He’s lost both parents and only just 18. Jesus. No, he’s not handling his grief and anger ‘well’, but that’s no surprise. He must be feeling so unloved.

There was a reason he wanted to stay with you and not his aunt. Yes, it’d be hard for you to see your DS pushed, but your DS needs to stay out of the arguments between you and your SS and trust that you can handle them on your own.

Children need our love the most when they deserve it the least. Please don’t abandon this boy.

I believe in tough love.

Refusing to undertake the most minimal domestic tasks, shouting and pushing, substance abuse are all highly problematic, especially when a single parent has to consider the welfare of her own younger child.

I think the underlying problem is that the young person is not ready to look at the impact of the losses he has suffered. Drugs and computer games are functioning as an escape. But the poster cannot make him address this when he's not ready. I think it would be far better for him to go elsewhere for a while, whether that's to an aunt or sofa surfing with friends. Or he could make attempts to live as 'an adult' - which would mean finding work and/or studying, looking for alternative conversation

This might - though no guarantees - help him to realise that he's actually better off with the OP. There then might be the basis of a conversation about ground rules (No illegal drug use in the house or coming back stoned. Tidying up after himself. No verbally or physically aggressive behaviour. Committing to getting some help to look at how loss has affected him.)

18 might be legally an adult, but I think most 18 year olds are still boys, not men. Especially this cohort who have been through Covid, and this boy has also lost his father, having lost his mother at only nine.
It seems that he is using drink to deal with his feelings of floundering about, lost and grieving. The drink then seems to be a big part of the rudeness and bad behaviour ? So in your place I would be focusing on that as a starting point.
I think throwing him out over some not unusual teenage behaviour, when he is so lost, would be pretty terrible for him. I assume that as you have been in his life since he was six, and you have a 13 year old from a different relationship, then your younger children must be your SSs half siblings ?
He needs more support, and more love now, not less.

Tough love is banal, unimaginative, and ineffective. Especially when it comes to children. Tough love is absolutely nothing in comparison to nurturing love.

Not my words. But completely agree with them.

What unimaginable pain they are both going through!

And how frightened OP's son must be to fears much for her safety if she is left alone with SS.

I agree that he is a deeply unhappy and troubled young man, but that doesn't mean it's OK to expect OP to absorb all of that pain and anger - particularly one there are younger children in the home who are affected by his aggressive behaviour

Part of it may just be ordinary *rsey adolescent behaviour which is exacerbated by grief. If his dad was still around there may still have been a degree of it, but it would have been easier to handle.

A PP has suggested that he stay with his aunt until over Christmas at least - give everyone a chance to have some breathing space, and see how things go after that, and it would certainly be better if he wasn't drinking so much (but try to stop a young man drinking with his mates!).

The situation has the potential to become a physically abusive one and no-one wants it to get to that stage. He is an adult, albeit a very young one and a very unhappy one, Send him to his aunt @fisher7 - he may or may not return, but you both need some space from each other. He will be able to open to his aunt in a way that he can't to you because of his (unfounded) resentment.

If he is drinking he may even lash out at your DS and hurt him if he tries to protect you - and even if he doesn't, you don't want your son feeling worried and upset all of the time. It will do everyone - including him - good to have some space.

FFS, pushing someone IS physical aggression. But in your eyes, it doesn't count because OP and her son are only step-mum and step-brother.

Why are you trying to make this a step parent/child issue when it isn’t.

It doesn’t matter if this was the biological child or not.

I can guarantee that her biological children are also going to have outbursts every now and then and like most children will also probably push someone one day.

It’s concerning that you are so focused on him being a step child that I wonder if you would also kick the biological child out or call the police if OP had pushed him out of the way?

Teenagers pushing siblings is perfectly commonplace behaviour. It's not right and it shouldn't be tolerated but it's not abuse, it's not a precursor of abuse and it's not a reason to throw someone out of the house. Your insistence that most posters are minimising male violence is outrageously offensive to victims of actual domestic abuse.

Was just thinking the same. Poor boy

I absolutely endorse all of this.

I would not suggest "kicking him out" - but I really think that a few weeks break with his aunt - especially if it helps him to break the cycle of drinking and becoming increasingly depressed - may give everyone involved a better perspective.

I haven't read all posts so apologise if I've missed it, but has this poor boy had any grief counselling/ anti-depressants etc?

That's a very good point. I hadn't thought of this.

This 100 percent. How he is treated now will have ramifications for the rest of his life. If he's thrown out now with no support he may well go down the drugs, criminality route.

Some love and support will very much help him. He has abandonment issues already, throwing him out will confirm to him he's alone in the world.

My DM was thrown out at 14 by her SD after her DM died she went into care. She had lived there since the age of 3. My DM has had mental health issues for much of her life. Perhaps if she had been shown love , compassion and care her life might have been different.

Anyway it's clear that this situation has been precipitated by turning 18 - he knows he's legally an adult now, which on the one hand gives most 18yos an "I can do what I want now" attitude but would also make an orphaned 18yo suddenly, acutely aware of how alone he is in the world.

The whole "you're not my real mum" thing is an expression of what he's actually scared of - that the OP doesn't see him as her real son and that he is as alone as he fears.

With that in mind I think focusing on some practicalities is best.

He's apologised so he knows he crossed a line. That should be the starting point for a serious talk about serious house rules: no physical aggression, fair share of chores (with a rota if necessary).

Reading between the lines I assume he's not that close to his aunt, so an intervention from her would be meaningless. But he needs to get himself into counselling asap.

I assume he has a job to pay for the drinking and weed? I think it's time for a talk about longer-term career goals. Not necessarily from the OP but from someone in his field who can point him towards specific goals. It seems that he's both grieving and unfocused - he needs counselling to help with the former and mentoring to help with the latter.