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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask SS to leave

259 replies

fisher7 · 29/11/2022 22:41

I feel awful writing this but I'm at a loss on what to do next

18yo SS lives with me full time, his mum passed away 9 years ago and my DH passed away during the first lockdown which hit us all hard. He had the choice of going and living with his aunt (mums sister) but he declined as he wanted to stay with me and she lived quite far away.

He attended counselling for a while but then stopped as he said it wasn't helping, he did go back to his old self eventually and seemed to have been coping fine.

Before he turned 18, he'd only drank once with his friends which was at 17 about 6 months before his 18th. Since he's turned 18, he goes out and drinks almost everyday, he's even smoked weed a few times. He spends most of his day on his Xbox, he doesn't help around the house with tidying etc.

Earlier, he was out and me and the other rest of us ate dinner, one of the DC’s washed up as it's their turn he got back and ate his dinner and then left his plate on the side. I asked him to wash it up, he said no and told me to do it, I told him he's an adult now etc which led to him shouting that I'm not his mum so I can't tell him what to do, he hates me, wishes I died and not his dad etc. DS(13) then came down and told him to leave me alone, SS then started shouting at him that he can't tell him what to do either and pushed him and went to his room.

DS is fine but has said he doesn't want to go to his dads tomorrow and leave me with SS. I have been to speak to SS and he's apologised and I've asked if he'll speak to me properly tomorrow when the other children are at school but he's refused and told me to leave him alone.

I know I probably am, but will I BU to ask him to leave and stay somewhere else?

OP posts:
ScrambledOrPoached · 30/11/2022 07:33

He is lashing out. Please don’t send him away. He needs love and connection, not to be abandoned by his family.

poefaced · 30/11/2022 07:35

Usually when an 18yo man is aggressive/violent to his mum and siblings, the advice on MN is to tell him to leave and/or call the police.

The ONLY reason some people are telling OP she has to be kind to this man is because OP is a step-mother and is therefore expected to push aside her own needs and the needs of her children for her step-child.

The hypocrisy is amazing and the abuse of @Annabelle3 on this thread is terrible but very typical.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 30/11/2022 07:36

It would be weirder if he wasn't acting like that. Poor kid must feel so lost 😔 he's had such a traumatic time.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/11/2022 07:39

DuchessDandelion · 29/11/2022 23:05

Please don't, let him stay. Yes boundaries needed as others said, but he's not coping at the moment and he needs you more than ever

This...

He's recently orphaned... And he's clearly showing his upset....

He is testing boundaries.

He needs some consistent professional support.

He may be still eligible for Winstons Wish who are brilliant.

There are some excellent podcasts on bereavement too.. Some done by young people.

CarefreeMe · 30/11/2022 07:39

YABU

He’s not done anything massively wrong.

All teens will go through a bit of a nightmare stage and your DS will too.

It’s very common for young people to go out drinking alcohol and smoking weed.
I was out clubbing as many times a week as I possibly could at that age.

Where is he getting the money from to go out and get drunk?

The reason I didn’t mind working at that age was so I could use the money to buy nice clothes to go out clubbing with and get drunk.

His behaviour is unacceptable but many teens are lazy and the fact he has lost both of his parents and is living with his step mum and step brother is going to affect him.

What I would be most concerned about is that he’s not attending college as this sounds like a MH issue which could spiral.

I would focus on this before sorting out the laziness and rudeness.

Have you spoken to the college?
Ask them for help.

You could sit down and talk with him about what he is going to do - I’d he going to study or get a job as he needs to do one or the other.

As supportive as your son is being, I think he needs to stay out of it as I don’t think him being involved will help as it’ll make DSS feel ganged up on and then he’s going to lash out and do or say things he usually wouldn’t.

CarefreeMe · 30/11/2022 07:40

I agree with PPs that he needs help for his bereavement and if he doesn’t get it his life is just going to be a downward spiral.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/11/2022 07:41

Would you kick your birth son out for this behaviour?
he's lost both his parents and is a bit lost. He's apologised. There is SO MUCH you can do to support him before kicking him out.

Mummacake · 30/11/2022 07:42

Tbh that's pretty typical behaviour of a teen in pushing boundaries, but he's also had significant trauma in losing both parents. His dad dying is awful for you all but will have also made feelings of loss from the death of his mum come to the fore. It's a lot for a teenager to cope with & for you all as a family. Don't ask him to leave his home, but I would look at family counselling to help you all. As pp have said, he needs more parenting now, not less. You've all suffered a huge loss but for him, you're all he has left of his life with a parent. Have a talk to him and let him know you're all grieving. Teens tend to see things through a very black & white lens. Wishing you all well.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 30/11/2022 07:43

Like @RedHelenB I'm also wondering what financial provision was made for him.

If your house is mortgaged with your deceased DH, was there a life insurance payout? Who paid for the house in which SS lives? Did you and DH have the opportunity to discuss what you would do with each other's child if one of you died?

The "outburst" and pushing you describe is not really not that much of a deal, especially if it's a one-off, so not much of a reason to get rid of him, so I really hope that you're not looking for an excuse to kick out your teenaged child.

SS does need to get his life back on track, with a job or college course, so you need to enlist the help of family members to intervene. The drinking and drugs also need addressing.

CarefreeMe · 30/11/2022 07:43

Usually when an 18yo man is aggressive/violent to his mum and siblings, the advice on MN is to tell him to leave and/or call the police.

@poefaced

I really hope you don’t have kids.

Calling the police or kicking someone out because they didn’t wash their plate and then had an argument over it, is absolutely ridiculous.

blebbleb · 30/11/2022 07:44

I bet he's grieving but the way he's behaving and talking to you is unacceptable. Even if he doesn't want to talk to you today you need to have a conversation. He needs to be in education or employment and pulling his weight at home. You don't have to threaten him with chucking him out just yet but he can't carry on like he has been

blebbleb · 30/11/2022 07:45

People saying it's just an argument but to say he wishes she had died instead isn't just a standard argument. It's a pretty horrific thing to say to another person.

poefaced · 30/11/2022 07:46

CarefreeMe · 30/11/2022 07:43

Usually when an 18yo man is aggressive/violent to his mum and siblings, the advice on MN is to tell him to leave and/or call the police.

@poefaced

I really hope you don’t have kids.

Calling the police or kicking someone out because they didn’t wash their plate and then had an argument over it, is absolutely ridiculous.

Stop minimising male aggression.

He pushed his younger step-brother.

His younger step-brother is now too scared to go to his dad’s because it would leave his mum alone with him.

maryofthevirginkind · 30/11/2022 07:46

Difficult one but he's grieving. Has he got support at college to attend. Perhaps he's depressed. I'd lay some boundaries down. I'd try not to chuck him out as he's nobody but definitely insist you have a chat and ask him what he wants/needs..

Suffrajitsu · 30/11/2022 07:49

You want to make a traumatised 18 year old orphan homeless because they are behaving like many teenagers before them?

He wouldn't be homeless. He can go to his aunt.

People emoting about the SS seem to be forgetting that OP and her son have also had a terrible bereavement.

BarrelOfOtters · 30/11/2022 07:50

if it helps, different situation, but my SS went through a bereavement, lost his brother, in early 20s, so his dad was grieving too. His behaviour was different but difficult. He’s got himself through it but it took support, medication and a lot of time and talking.

You need help and he needs help. If you can get someone to look after your kids for a bit and find a place to talk to him, in the car is good….use the aunt as an intermediary, a counsellor?

that’s so many changes for you all as a family.

He is lost and grieving and kicking out metaphorically at someone who he hopes is safe. Yes he needs boundaries but how many 18 year olds in his situation are good at regulating their emotions.

Grief makes us all do weird things.

Chalalalaa · 30/11/2022 07:58

I'm in between on this.

I don't think ignoring it and just being sympathetic and not much else is okay.

But I don't think going straight to chucking him out is necessarily the right move either.

I would be having a conversation with him and laying down some ground rules he MUST follow. One of which needs to be never laying a finger on your son again (that I seriously wouldn't tolerate over everything else, PP is right that ultimately if it came to it, YOUR child should be put first). Another should be that he attends his course and helps in the home.

If this was a one off and he took on board those comments I think I would let him stay. If this became a regular occurrence of your 13 year old child being scared to leave you alone with him etc.. then I'd be considering asking him to stay with his aunt. As I say, as harsh as it is, your 13 year old should be your priority. These are important years for him and if this situation escalated I wouldn't be willing to risk my own child's happiness and stability for SS.

Winterpetal · 30/11/2022 08:02

He’s not a grown man at 18 ,he’s a teenager ,who’s brain is still developing and growing,and who has lost both parents,and probably quite worried about being asked to leave by you ,and loosing you and your dc.
i can’t even begin to imagine how it must feel to of lost both parents by 18 .
he must feel so alone in the world .
what would your late dh want you to do ? And would you do the same with your own dc? You married his dad ,so you became this young man’s step mum .
please see your way to keeping him in your family ,there’s nothing worse than feeling alone in the world

Suffrajitsu · 30/11/2022 08:04

He's dealing with huge grief and pain and needs support.

Do we know this? It's potentially almost three years since his father died, but this behavioiur has only started fairly recently.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/11/2022 08:05

No-one thinks his behaviour is ok. But there are very clear reasons behind it and an understanding of WHY he is behaving like that is the first part of trying to resolve the situation. That isn’t enabling, it’s parting of finding an appropriate solution.

otherwise we may as give up on all children that are in care who are traumatised and not the best behaved. Let’s just tell them to fuck off without a further though shall we.

DucklingDaisy · 30/11/2022 08:09

There’s some real monsters on this thread, Jesus Christ. I really feel like I’m staring into the abyss right now.

DucklingDaisy · 30/11/2022 08:10

Suffrajitsu · 30/11/2022 08:04

He's dealing with huge grief and pain and needs support.

Do we know this? It's potentially almost three years since his father died, but this behavioiur has only started fairly recently.

Seems likely he correctly senses OP doesn’t see him as a son and that he’s basically on his own now he’s 18. I’d feel pretty hopeless, and angry, in that situation.

FiveMins · 30/11/2022 08:13

I have an 18 year old and and Stepson in his 20s. My 18 year old can be just like this, there is a reason we used to all get kicked out around this age! My advice would be to take him out somewhere public and explain that his behaviour was unacceptable. Tell him you love him but he is an adult now and cannot behave like this. Say you want him to continue living with you but that you will not put up with such behaviour. Then try and have a conversation about something nicer.

Wibbly1008 · 30/11/2022 08:14

This child is crying out. He has in effect lost everything and he is pushing you away now as he is probably scared you’ll end up gone too. IMO he needs a hug and to be told he is loved and wanted, but after that I would suggest he has a break at aunts and comes back with a clean slate in the new year. He has to earn respect, but he will only do this when he feels secure and safe. I’m so sorry for you all, this is very sad.

stopbeeping · 30/11/2022 08:15

Such a difficult situation to be in I can see how you feel so torn
I would treat him like a bio son so he can stay as long as he meets following expectations incl counselling so he can learn to cope with his aggression

Did you inherit money when your DH died? Can you give him some to set him up to be independent once he has done some counselling and settled a bit