My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

But they won’t be alone, they will be with family in Scotland won’t they?

Oh sorry, your sister, I can see that now

Your sister changed her plans she should be the one cancelling and not you. I'm NC with my dad but he and my mum aren't together so it's different. Do not change your plans and if your mum tries to guilt trip uou just say you can't spend Xmas with your abusive father. end of

She’s got the option of not being alone, ignore her

Fuck no she chooses to stay with an abuser actions have consequences

Ever heard of the expression Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm?

Don't sacrifice your Christmas she made her choice

@BiasedBinding - ops sister is going to Scotland without her parents I think.
OP - I don’t think you should change your plans.

Has she? I can’t see that option in the OP.

They won't be alone, they'll have each other. Sounds like your dad was fucking awful to you (and your dc) from young and she chose to stay with him in spite of that.

It's a bit of a reap what you sow situation for me here.

fuck em

You know what, it isn't your problem, sometimes you just need to get away and do your own thing. I don't hound adult DS to spend xmas with me, he sometimes needs his own space.
Your mother chose to stay with Mr Grumpy Pants, it's her problem.

Thats the thing my sister's in laws are terminally ill, this is her dh's mother's last Christmas, and her wish is to be in Scotland with extended family and staying at her dh's siblings houses. There is no way my sister can cancel, and I understand why. My sister will never speak about what happened to us as children, and she has screened it out, so we have quite a strained relationship anyway.

Her choice to be with a child abuser has consequences. She's not your problem.

I think you should stick to your plans of going away for Christmas- your mother is not your responsibility.

If your mum wants to put up with your dads behaviour then that's her decision, it doesn't mean you have to though. Leave them to it and enjoy your break.

But she must spend other days of the year alone with him. Don't be guilt tripped into changing your plans. Have a good Christmas.

Seconding what others have said, your mother is not alone? She is with your father?
I don’t know why she calls that ‘being alone’
enjoy your trip away - you’re seeing her over the season after your return- that’s plenty

Her husband is there

Your mother is an adult. She has made her own bed. Let her lie in it.

Look, I mean this in the nicest way possible. Why are you in contact with an abuser? Protect yourself and your DC.

Your mother has made a mess of her own life. Don't get dragged into that, it has nothing to do with you and is not your responsibility.

AND OP offered to take her with them

Stick with your plans, you need to prioritise your own family.

My dh says this is sadly the consequences of staying with an abusive man, and that we can't possibly put our kids through a Christmas with my Dad due to my FOG. It is not fair and I am being played.

But my poor mum is also a victim of both domestic violence when we were younger and now she is older coercive control. She is no way going to leave him, I have tried for decades.

If you were just at home and made no plans to see your parents over the holidays that would be one thing and an easy change in plans - though, as you are NC with your dad, is your mum expecting to come to you or for you to go there and have enforced contact just so they’re not alone? Your sister has made new plans which has led to your parents being in the situation they are - have your parents suggested to (or tried to guilt trip) her that she not go away because they’ll be alone?

As it is you’re physically going to be away which, presumably, has cost you money and changes not just your plans but those of the people you’re due to visit.

I would not be changing my plans because someone else has decided to go away and not be with your parents as originally planned!!

You need to put your kids first OP...

She’s an adult, you don’t need to manage her emotions like she’s a child. The thought of me trying to guilt trip my kids to see me at Christmas when I’m older sounds awful.

I’ll be very happy if we have a good relationship and they want to see me, but if it is before Xmas or after Xmas because they have other commitments then that’s fine - and I really hope I don’t ever make them feel otherwise.

Christmas is just one fucking day it's nothing "magical" you don't turn into a pinecone if you don't spend it having "fun" with "all your family"