My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

I do think you should stick to your plans @Venetiaparties, but just wanted to send you strength as I know how incredibly hard it is to stop hoping for the relationship we would like with our parents. My children tell me I'm like a puppy who goes to my parents asking to be kicked - over and over again - but they have always known they are deeply loved and have a confidence I will never have.

You have booked to go away. Whilst you try to excuse your mothers behaviour and say she is a victim(which she is) she has also had support to try and leave and has not

she has also not put her children first and allowed you to be abused

that is her choice, she now has to accept the consequences that YOU are NOT going to do what she did and allow abuse to take place

your priority is your children, just as your mothers should have been

Of course you shouldn't cancel your plans and neither should your sister- even without the extra info.

After what your Dad did to you last time I don't know how your mum has the audacity to sob to you.

You didn't leave her with him. She chose to stay with him. In spite of who he is.

It may feel like you left her with him for now, but in time hopefully you will come to accept that it isn't the case.

If you’ve already made plans with your friends it wouldn’t be fair to them to change it.

OP, I remember your posts last year and how incredibly sad I found them. You are making the right decision not to change your plans, no matter how hard it is. I'm sure there will be posters here with more experience who can recommend books or websites or podcasts that might help you with the guilt?

Have a wonderful Christmas with YOUR family. Your husband, your children. The people that treat you the way family is supposed to treat you. I'm so sorry that neither of your parents managed that.

It's time for you to stop parenting your mother OP - she's a grown woman who has made the choice to stay with an abusive man. You've given her the option to join you and she's declined. She'll be alone with your DF because she is choosing to be.

Please put your own family first, no point putting your energies into something you have no control over.

Sadly your mum has made her choice, and it's not for you to support this by putting yourself, your DH and your children through a miserable christmas. It nearly December now and most people have made their plans. Basically not your problem as you already have plans!

When my DH and I are on our own for Christmas (children all adult and flown the best so some Christmasses we are on our own) we go away for a few days? Is that an option for your parents? We usually go to Butlins and have a meal package so I don't need to do anything, but there are other options depending on budget.

I totally get this OP
dealing with FOG is an impossibly complex and emotional thing and often impossible to explain to others who do not have that experience.
childhood trauma is very primal and I’m sure you have a lot of love for your mum which is creating this conflict.

but fundamentally it sounds as if you’ve done a tremendous amount of work to build a secure and happy life for your family. Your parents have made different choices. Their choices are not your responsibility.

you’ve offered your mum a happy escape with you, and she has declined. That is on her. Do not let her manipulate you into changing your plans. Do not sacrifice your family’s happiness to appease her. Set you boundaries firmly.

Your mum is abusive. Guilting you for decisions she has made. Why does she want you to be unhappy, why does she think that spending Christmas with someone that made you that unhappy last year is a good idea?

I've just re-read your first post. First of all you say you are non-contact with your Dad. Then you say you don't know how you will manage with him if you cancel your plans (don't!!) and have the two of them over for Christmas.
You are non-contact with him, so you literally don't share space with him ever again. You say your Mum wouldn't leave him and come on her own - that's her choice.
If you don't maintain non-contact he will always get opportunities to destroy you over and over again, as he did last Christmas, and also to start on your children. You cannot allow that. Your husband is right and I hope he goes further to protect your children by supporting you in making sure your dad never sees them again.

Your Mum is an adult who chooses to stay & enable your father.

Your kids should be protected from your abuser & his enabler.

Your mum sounds as manipulative as your dad tbh......you offered a solution. She refused it. Get on with your own Christmas plans and enjoy.

Also this thread should serve as a warning for the many posters on here who prioritise bullying, abusive men over their own DC. She's reaping the misery she's sewn, probably too late for her to get out now but that's what happens.

Oh OP. This is so tough for you.

But PP are correct - you need to reframe your kneejerk response from
"I must protect my mother" to
"my mother is an adult who is refusing to protect herself, & is actively trying to put me & my DD's into harm's way in order to get what she wants."

Have a look at this too -
www.healthline.com/health/parentification#how-to-avoid-it

There's a term for this, it's called parentification, and it's a form of abuse all on it's own. I've been there, I know how hard it is. I couldn't see what my mother was doing for a long time because my father was so so awful in comparison that she seemed like the good parent, but had he been normal, I would have had a very different opinion of her. I'm fortunate in that my parents split up and I never saw him again, but I have to keep my mother at a distance now. It's got easier over time.

Please please put yourself and your health first.

Sister just texted to say she can't be expected to have dp every year just because I can't manage them any longer, and she is right

Yes, she is - and so is your DH, in saying there's no way your DC should be subjected to this and that you're being played

I realise this isn't easy for anyone, your DM included, but as PPs have said she still has choices and after the childhood she put you through by staying with him that's exactly what I'd be telling her, tantrum or not

Just make sure you don't get talked into going along with this on a promise that she'll "seen the light now and will leave him in the new year" ...

I think your mother having "the most epic meltdown" because she will have to spend Christmas Day with the man whose cruelty towards her child she enabled for decades says a lot about her priorities, really. They seem to be very much centred on herself.

She'll survive, OP.

This.

Do not cancel your plans OP.

If you were talking to Op's parents this would be a good idea. But you're talking to Op and she needs to step away and stop trying to fix things for them.

Essentially, she is asking you to suck up whatever abuse your father handed out to you & your DC, & allow him to spend xmas with you all

We have always had to ignore whatever he dished out for my mother's sake. Always.
It is second nature and although I am getting much better most of the year, I struggle with Christmas.

My dc come first.
They will always come first.

My df I know is sitting back now and waiting for me to buckle. 100%.
He is no doubt waiting for the inevitable which is usually me unable to let my dm down will be back for her sake, as I have always done in the past.

Not this time.
I will hold firm. Thank you for reminding me that this is just my stuff. My fog and should not be allowed to leak out and affect my own family. So I am sticking with the plan and I am going to hold my nerve.

Head over to the stately homes thread

Read toxic parents by Susan forward

You are deep on the FOG = FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT

You owe this woman nothing

Please be kind to yourself OP, and I say this as gently as I can - it's not your job to fix things for your mother, or anyone for that matter.

Christmas brings up a lot of complicated emotions for many people - for me personally it has brought up a lot of resentment towards my mother. She converted to being a Jehovah's Witness when I was 8/9 (same age my daughter is now) and Christmas was pretty much banned in our household (my dad is disabled so couldn't plan/organise Christmas by himself) from that point on. Looking at how much joy my children get from Christmas and all the associated events now has made me resent my own mother a lot for denying me and my brother that joy.

For my DH, he has a LOT of issues around Christmas - his dad walked out on the family at Christmas when he was 14. As a result he has a compulsion to make Christmas as perfect as possible, to the point that he can get quite stressed about it. Interestingly, his younger brother has the opposite reaction - he ignores Christmas as much as he can (no children yet!) as he associates it with the bad memories of their father leaving.

My point is, I get that Christmas brings up bad memories and feelings. Focus on yourself and your family, put your mum at arms length because she has made her choices and it is NOT your job to find solutions for her.

Just it isn't easy but standing strong now will make the next time easier.

You are so right.
I always thought my Mother was quite a good parent but then I realised she was only a good parent in comparison to my Father