My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

If you normally see your DM on her own, how does this work at other times of the year? Can't you do the same as you normally do at Christmas?

Your mum has tolerated her husband for years, she'll just have to suck it up for Christmas Day (which is just a day like any other).

You need to put your children first.

Why is her Christmas more important to you than theirs?

I understand your Mother is upset and will be on her own with your Dad at Christmas and it is sad but surely she must see how miserable a situation it will be to you and yours not just giving up your plans but then having to see your Dad; one sad person or 4+ miserable anxious people, her own daughter and grandchildren to boot. She must see her request is unreasonable.

Oh sorry, have re-read and realised she is unhappy about not seeing you while you are away over Christmas itself, so seeing her as you normally would, before or after your trip, wouldn't help.

Lots of posts while I was typing my reply, including from OP about sister’s dMiL. I can understand them not being able to change their plans with this being their last Christmas together. However, it doesn’t change the fact you’re being expected to change your plans and spend time with your abuser so your mum can have company.

Last year I bit the bullet, after being NC the year before to see my mum and make an effort to try and smooth things over for a few hours for her sake, and my father decided to play the old videos of my eating disorder on xmas eve despite me pleading with him to stop repeatedly.

I posted on here about it at the time, I had a relapse and it took 6 weeks to start eating again. I vowed I would not do this again, hence why this year dh jumped at the chance to get us away. As he knows my one weakness is Christmas and my mum, and I find it very hard to leave her on her own with him.

I know she is going to have a terrible Christmas, and she may as well be alone as he ignores her and it will be a horrible day for her.

OP, my mother had a terribly abusive upbringing. Part of that is she is still (in her late 70s) mired in fear, obligation and guilt. This meant that she quite regularly prioritised her mother and sisters over my sister, dad and I. She allowed us to be verbally abused over years when we had Christmases with them. She threw us under the bus to appease her family.

If being with your mother means that you allow your abusive father to be near your children you will be doing something similar. Please don't do that. You are stuck in a guilt cycle and even being NC with your dad is a huge and positive thing. But you have to stick with it. Stay strong. She doesn't see anyone until Boxing day? That's her lookout. You have plans. You have to stand up for your own emotional health and for the protection of your family. I KNOW it is hard. Good luck and hugs.

I’m no contact with my own dad for similar reasons. It’s been 5 years now but I remember how anxiety inducing seeing him was.

a sad consequence of going no contact is a limited relationship with my mum but I have learnt to accept that.

your mum can’t break the cycle but you have started to don’t be drawn back in to it. Protect yourself and your children.

Of course you should not change your plans. Firstly, you are absolutely entitled to be NC with your father and should not be running the risk of seeing him, or if feelings around seeing him wrecking your Christmas.

Your mother remains with him, despite him being abusive. Her actions have consequences and she has to live with them sadly.

Even if you did not have this situation, you are entitled to spend Christmas as you wish!

Agree that you reap what you sow. You have kindly offered for her to come with you and she has declined.

She may discount that option, as she does not want to do that, but it does not change the fact that the option is there.

Some consequences for her actions (or inaction) may be what actually causes her to make the leap to leave your dad.

Absolutely don’t ruin your plans and annoy and upset your dh and kids. Your mum is an adult and she can get on with it. I’m sure there will be an Age Concern lunch going on near her if she’s that desperate.

Aaah OP I recall your thread about the videos of your eating disorder. .

Please PLEASE break free.

Op said she's already suggested her mum (not dad) comes with her and her family but mum has said no.

Op your dh is right. You can feel sorry for your mum while accepting that she isn't without agency and could, and still can have chosen to leave at any point. You're not punishing her for her choices, her choices are a natural consequence of her own decisions.

All you can do now is stop the cycle repeating with your own children and let them see what a healthy parental relationship is like, so that a) their Christmases now arent spoiled by grumpy, angry grandad and sad, stressed mum
And b) if they have their own dcs their Christmases in the future are happy ones with a positive grandparent relationshio

It will be a horrible day for her? Good. There’s no justification for supporting her vile, child abusing husband.

Yes, this. Your children deserve priority.

Dont you dare cancel your trip. Your mother has chosen to stay with a man who fills his kids with anxiety. It's not your job to ease that. See her before you leave to have a mini Christmas maybe but let her have her tantrum. It's not for you to make it better. It's your Christmas as well

What you do is protect your kids. Keep your plans as they are. Your mother needs to live with her choices.

I suppose being on her own with him on Xmas day will highlight again, just how awful he is, like holding a mirror up to her life. Stick with your plans for your own family's sake. Don't let her coerce you in to staying, causing all of you to be miserable. Your trip sounds lovely.

Just seen your update- so your mum didn't do anything to stop him playing the video despite knowing the effects it had on you?

Seriously do not spend (this or any future) Christmas with either of them

I know I need to put my own children first. And I have been doing so for many years.
Thank you for your replies, and for helping me see through this.

To explain my mum's MH was extremely fragile as a child, so I was kind of the parent to her, not the other way around from a young age. So I do feel like I am abandoning her, even though I know she is a fully capable adult and it is just one day. He is so horrible. I hate the thought of her waking up to him on Christmas morning without anything to dilute him.

I have been lucky that my sister seems to manage it all better, she has two boys and my df is nicer to boys. It is just women and girls he has the problem with.

God that’s shocking and horrific. You absolutely 💯 owe it to yourself not to put yourself through that ever again.

Honestly as sad as not seeing my mum much is knowing I will never be in a room with my dad again is the biggest relief of my life. I

My mother got up and left the room and became very busy tidying the kitchen and went outside to put the bin bags out etc, she said nothing.

Op put your children first. Be a better parent than your mum was / is.

Do not subject your self or your children to this horrible abusive man just because your crys over a man who’s terrible. She can leave if she wants to. But she doesn’t. Be better and do better than her.

I know she is going to have a terrible Christmas, and she may as well be alone as he ignores her and it will be a horrible day for her

You've given her an alternative. She hasn't taken it. That's he choice all on her own.