My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

Don’t infantilise your mother. She’s an adult and has made decisions that are now having consequences for her.

She's an enabler. She comes as part of a package with the abuser. She thinks her children and grandchildren are a lower priority than him. She is unsafe.

Because she can’t be trusted to put your children’s safety first.

What if your father turned up when she was alone with the children? Or rang insisting to speak to them? Can you honestly say you trust her to put them first?

Your mother enabled your father in what he did to you last year. She didn’t just do nothing, she actively walked away. She had the option of stepping in, which would have got her grief undoubtedly, or self preservation and leaving you to be attacked. She chose the latter.

Your mother may be a victim of your father, but you’re a victim of both of your parents.

Your parents are adults, OP and can and must arrange their own Christmas. Your DM has had ample opportunities over the years to alter the situation but now the chickens have come home to roost for her. There is nothing that you should do about it to rescue her.

The words above by FriendsofDennis and RainingNow are absoslutely what is needed here. Its tough for you to break the pattern but you absolutely need to do it. It is one day. Your DM will get through it, and it is not your responsibility to make it all alright for her this Christmas. Thinking of you. Break the pattern.

When my dc spend time with other adults in the family, there is always the minute possibility that they may say something to them that needs looking into. However wonderful a home and school life they have, it's always possible that a child might make a disclosure which needs attention.

"Sam in my class pulled up my skirt"
"Daddy made me sit in silence at the dinner table alone for 2 hours because I knocked a glass over"
"Jenny in my class said I'm fat and smelly"
"Auntie Janet said I'm nasty and swore at me"

Literally anything.

I have absoloute trust that any adult my dc spend time with without me will never make my child feel anything other than listened to if they make any such comment.

And that they'll act by mentioning it to me so that I can deal with the situation.

How would your dm respond if your dc made any such disclosure to her?

What if you do see your parents and it triggers your illness so that it impacts on your children?
You owe it to yourself and your children to stay mentally well.

I know it's a bit extreme but your father's abuse is like a weapon that he wields, such as a knife and you wouldn't take your children near him if he was sitting there with a knife in his hand .

You won't stop feeling guilty. I'm going to be honest. You're not going to properly enjoy Christmas no matter what. Because of what you've had to go through, Christmas will always come with massive emotional baggage. You can't win, you can't make everyone happy, you can't stop feeling guilty.

The only thing you can easily do, is make sure your DH and DC have lovely Christmas's where they never have to feel the way you do. Your DC will never have to spend December in turmoil of upsetting someone. So go away with your family, let them all have a wonderful time. Try your best to enjoy yourself through the guilt, but know that you're giving your children something your parents couldn't give you. Make them the absolute priority. I'm sorry that it's such a shit situation though. It really is unfair for you.

Well done OP.

And the longer you stick to it, the easier it will get.

The PP who pointed out that you & your daughters should never be exposed to your abuser, or manipulated by his enabler, are spot-on btw.

Hold firm. Set this example for your daughters. Also your mum chooses to stay with him. Its on her to change her life if she doesn't like it.

We have always had to ignore whatever he dished out for my mother's sake. Always.

Which is obviously fucked up & you can't expect your husband & kids to do it also.

I'd tell DM that she's welcome to come with you, and she's always welcome to spend Christmas with you.

But your Dad is absolutely not included in that invitation, and you will not be spending any time in his presence.

It's her choice to see you or not.

Your husband is right. You know this. Stay strong.

And to be honest, even if they were both the loveliest people in the world, you are an adult and you are allowed to do something different with your Christmas. I can't bear all this obligation. I tell all the young people I know to do something different as soon as they're able/old enough to so to nip this 'every year we have to sit in one of two houses' shite in the bud.

Go on your trip.

Parentification - where the parent puts their child in the role of parent - is a type of abuse op. I understand you feel sorry for your dm. But she is also manipulating you to follow her choices.

Also this is highly manipulative on her part My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own.

if she genuinely cared about you, your sister and her grandchildren then she’d be pleased you were all going to have a nice, and safe, Christmas away from him.

Instead she’s upset because her safety shield will be missing and she’ll have to deal with the consequences of her decisions alone.

Your kids want this break, your DH wants this break and you want this break. That's it. End of story. Your mum being on her own with your dad is now her problem and she'll have to sort it out. She can't keep relying on you to sort out her relationship. And that comes from someone who was married to an abuser.

Tell your mum you'll have 'Christmas' with her when you get back (if you want to). At the end of the day, unless you're religious, Christmas Day can be any day. There are lots of people like health workers, armed forces, police etc., who don't get Christmas off and celebrate with their families another day. If you were one of them you'd have no choice and neither would she.

You all need this break for your mental health. Take it, enjoy it and deal with the other issues afterwards. Don't give in. It's not your problem - she's a grown up.

@Venetiaparties
Your mum is never too old to leave an abuser-
But I had a friend enmeshed with a violent man- we tried for years to get get to leave-
She was apart from him for years, then they got back together again, had a child , and a dog -
I saw her once after that, in the street, went to say hello to dog who flinched away from my hand

I said “ This dog has been hit?” Friend said he has been “ Only when he’s naughty “
It was so depressing.

It seems like it’s an addiction to stat with an abuser.

Your mum made her choices
DO NOT ruin your family Christmas because if her poor choices, if she wanted to leave, she could.

Your DM would have a 'terrible Christmas' either way - just her and her husband, or by surrounding herself with unhappy and abused family. Leave her to it.

Christmas IS NOT an incredible sacred cow of a day. It could just be a chance to go to Mass, if she's religious, and do something to help other people.

This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM and it definitely is not your children's problem. Show them what putting your family first really means.

I don't know whether to choose YABU or YANBU because it is ambiguous what your question is.

Your children come first, not your mum. Go abroad. They must have other friends, but it sounds like your mum should have left your dad years ago. It is just a day of the year, if she spends every other day with him, she can spend Christmas day with him.

I agree with JustLyra. Your mum isn't safe because you can't trust her NOT to put your DF first. She has not protected you at all, she has actively removed herself. I agree that parentification is a form of abuse. Look at the knots she's tied you into. She's choosing to put her poor decision making and lack of boundaries on your head. She's making you responsible for a very awful situation that she has the capacity to control and is actively choosing.

Your dad is easy in that he is so clearly abusive you absolutely must keep away. But I don't think your mum is much better, she's just better disguised. Sorry, it's not fair.

In a way it's lovely and very kind-hearted of you to want to protect your mum. From the sounds of it (leaving the room when your father put that video on) she didn't and still doesn't do a good job of protecting you .

But you deserve a lovely, peaceful Christmas with your DH and DC. It's fantastic that you've managed to break the cycle and protect your DC. I can't imagine how hard that must be and how much strength it must take considering you didn't have a role model to help, an example to follow. So, if she kicks off about not seeing you on Christmas Day maybe remember how she walked away last year and ignore her in a similar fashion. Easier said than done I know but you would be perfectly justified in protecting yourself. Especially when the person who is supposed to protect you doesn't. 💐

Ok, it just sounded like you were pondering logistics of going to see the pro abuser. No, people who support a child abuser, and dole out a different type of abuse are not safe. At best the woman will be manipulating your kids and displaying her vile dynamics.

Go on the Stately Homes thread, and you need therapy. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that we don’t have an actual mother, just a monstrous burden who damaged us for life. An arbitrary date in December is irrelevant. Your sister can sweep the abuse under the carpet, but you can shine a light on it. Tell her you will not be hosting your abusers, she can if she feels the need but you don’t let scum in your life any more.

You can't make your Mum's life right for her only she can. I hope you enjoy your Christmas which I have to say sounds like it will be brilliant if you go abroad.

Why is it so important to choose your mother when your mother didn't choose you, or your sister?

Sit with that a minute.

Then think about the support you need to help you manage Christmas better in future. You are doing SO well, this is clearly a difficult topic for you, so start thinking about what help you need to make this easier for you next year. It's not on that you're spending months worrying about this, I'm not having that for you.

I totally understand that dm should never have allowed for any of this to happen to us, she has apologised for her part in our childhood. More than once.

Sadly she has taken no steps whatsoever to address why it happened or to consider that he is still able to cause so much damage now and today. She seems to think it all happened years ago, and he is a benign now. So she is still in denial.

The truth is even if we did go and see them for Christmas, which we won't be happening, he would make me pay so badly for my NC position of the last year.

I don't know how he would wreck revenge this year. Last year he blindsided me/us with digging up the worst videos he could find and shamed me so much, under the false pretences of showing my dc mummy when she was young. Even my dc were pleading with him to stop the footage, and we had to stand up and leave the house there and then.

What am I thinking even considering seeing them again??

God only knows what would be waiting for us this time.
He absolutely despises me for standing up to him by distancing, he hated me before but I know he really has it in for me now, and he has plenty of time to come up with something very very cruel. I can't go again. Never again.

And that is sad at Christmas.

Thank you for helping me with this.

Maybe this is the jolt your mum needs op to get the hell out of there . Staying with then is enabling the situation. Don't cancel